(no subject)
life is interesting. it amazes me how you can be high as shit one day and lower than hell the next. people keep telling me that they're amazed at how strong i am...why dont i feel that way? for as much as i want to leave and be out on my own, the selfish side of me wants to know what it would feel like for someone to take care of me for once. i do love my life. i know that im incredibly fortunate in so many ways. i know a lot of people can only dream about having what i have or having the oppurtunities that ive had let alone being able to take advantage of most of them....but its weird. somedays i want more; others i want less. its funny. people always say "god i cant imagine going through what you are" or "how do you deal with that?" the philosophical side of me always thinks "deal with what? ive had to deal with it for so long that its not even something i deal with anymore...its just life .its the way my life is. so when you really think about it, once you're used to something, its not a hassle...its just part of t daily grind"....but the reality is that my philosophy is just bullshit. it sucks. a lot. and i cant stand it when people tell me they know what im going through. i wouldnt dare tell anyone half of my life story so dont even try to compare shoes. believe me, mine wouldnt fit....i take that back. i think theres only one person on earth that could put the way i feel into words. he didnt even mean to either. he was describing his own feelings about a situation he went through pretty much parallel to mine and he just hit the fucking target when he openned his mouth. i cant stand the sight of him right now though. he makes me sad. hes so close to being where he wants to be. hes standing on the fucking edge but he wont jump. i dont know how to get him to realize that he's gonna fly when he takes that step, not fall. im scared though because our lives have mirrored eachother's so much that what if i end up like him? part of me thinks im on that path. i seem to just shut everything and everyone out. people piss me off. a lot. life pisses me off. im angry. im so angry most of the time that i dont know which end is up. its like waking up every morning in tank full of water and having vertigo so bad that you cant figure out how to swim to the top because you dont know which way the trap door is. and by the time i find the door, its been so long that im almost out of breath and dont have the energy to fumble with the lock to let myself out. might as well drown and try again the next morning.... life's not all bad. i know they care. they've always tried to do the best they could with me and gieven the fact that ive pretty much fought them all the way, i think theyve done well. i also think theyve irreversably screwed me up too. not on purpose of course. theres just things they shouldve kept a closer eye on. sheltered me more from the bad and let me experience more of the good. a discussion occured today with her that i thought never would. i figured id forget about it permanently and hope she wouldnt ever question it. thanks to her fucked up father and the confessions of a sister, it was brought up. would i ever tell her the truth? no. im not that stupid. she has enough killing her, she doesnt need to hear something like that. and him? i dont know whats happened with us. i dont really exist to him anymore. im sure hes ashamed of whatever it is he thinks im turning out to be. he cant handle some of the things ive done, the choices ive made in my life. i dont really blame him though either. its a lot for someone like him to stomach. somedays, its hard for me to stomach...i dont think im out of control really. i have some sort of power inside of me. its just kind of lost and selective right now though. instead of embracing life as a whole, i kind of grasp on to temporary lifelines then fall apart when they disappear. it goes back to me being independent... in ways, i am. in others, i dont think ill ever be able to be. psychologically, i can analyze everything's that wrong with me. i dont need a psychologist to charge me 100 bucks an hour to tell me what i already know. what i dont know, is how to change it. i dont know how to help myself. 18 years later and ive yet to be able to discover that part of life. i can take care of everybody else but myself. how sad is that? i know i sell myself short. i have a lot more potential than i give myself credit for. i just sort of stop midway of being great. i wonder if its possible to be happy being mediocre. i mean, obviously not everybody can be great. some people have to just...be. i want to be that person but i also want to be great. funny. as im writing this im wondering why i want to be great....and its not for me. its for everybody else. if im great, then people will want me and praise me and accept me. they wont lecture and condescend. i picture myself in some wide open, airy studio apartment with brick walls, hardwood floors, and gauzy drapes. i want wicker furniture, large leafy house plants, and a dog. a scruffy one. one the kind of looks like me i suppose. ive never wanted extravagant things. i guess thats it. ive never wanted something that i couldnt have. ive always wanted things that were within my reach but... i could just.. never find the stepstool to get to them. i keep wondering what it feels like to be truely happy. not necessarily to have everything youve ever wanted but to just be happy. i cant remember the last time i was. thats very sad. and yet, i dont want to be a sad girl.