(no subject)
Chapter five.
As soon as she got home, Quinn changed into work-out clothes and ran. She avoided Rachel’s house that was usually on her route and ran. The thoughts wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard she tried to push them. Even if it seemed impossible, even if she knew that stuff was made up, that it didn’t actually happened… it felt right. All of her symptoms, all her blurred memories, her feelings and that tug she felt on her shoulder when she thought about it. It was the same tug she felt every month, when her body took over and followed its instincts. But the rational part of her brain couldn’t, refused to accept it. It was just… impossible. That stuff was made up; it didn’t happen… werewolves weren’t real.
&&&
Rachel didn’t try to find her at school, and it simultaneously relieved and scared Quinn. She didn’t really want to talk about it, didn’t want to believe it; but somewhere in the back of her mind, the thought of Rachel giving up on her so easily made her uneasy. Mostly because she didn’t want to be alone, because she didn’t want to be left without any explanation again of what might be happening to her… to them.
She tried to distract herself with Sam and skating and running, and it worked for the most part, except the thoughts plagued her as soon as she stopped doing those things. Hanging out with Sam was fun; she did homework with him at her house and sometimes watched movies. The break-up was the most progressive, natural and friendliest thing. They were never much of a couple to begin with, and now that she wasn’t a cheerleader anymore, there wasn’t any popularity boost they could get out of each other. They still sat close and hugged, even held hands just the same, because they had feelings for each other, just not romantic ones. But sometimes she couldn’t bear to be with him and keep up an appearance, like she didn’t think she was going insane. Sometimes, she rather be alone, even if it made her gloomier still.
Skating brought a feeling of accomplishment she didn’t get out of cheerleading after the pregnancy. Quinn caught up quickly with what used to be easy and fun for her, almost like second nature. She went from going one class a week to three, and staying until noon on Saturday s to help her teacher with the little girls. She could see the relief in her mom’s face every time she saw her smiling when coming home from a class.
But weeks later, when she woke up with a headache for the third day in a row, she couldn’t hold it in any longer. As soon as she got home from school, Quinn sat on her desk, opened Google and read the entire day until her mother called her down for dinner. That night, she prepared a bag of clothes and left it at the foot of her bed.
Still, relief overwhelmed her when she woke up in her own bed without a fever, but she remained cautious until she got safely to school. A note fell out of her locked when she opened, a neat square of pink paper that simply read “Full Moon this Monday.” Her body hummed with something when realization sunk in, and her wound throbbed at the beat of her pounding heart.
All through the day, she tried to confront Rachel. She wasn’t sure if it was to tell her to leave her the hell alone, or to ask for help. She desperately wanted help, but didn’t know how to ask for it, and every time she got remotely close to the brunette, she just couldn’t do it. Quinn was aware Rachel saw her faltering a few times, but that wasn’t new. If anyone saw her insecurities or her moments of hesitation since the moment they met, it was Rachel. That was why it was so hard for Quinn to be around her, it was why she was so guarded and defensive… Rachel saw right through her.
That night, as she lay in bed, her mind couldn’t stop running, and all through the weekend, she was simultaneously anxious and afraid of Monday. She wanted everything to make sense again, once and for all, even if it meant sharing a lunatic delusion with Rachel. She was anxious to find out, to remember, but also afraid of it coming true.
As soon as she woke up, Quinn knew. Her mind felt as if it was breaking from the pain and her face and body were on fire. She felt it in her bones, and as she put on worn out clothes and headed out with her bag, she tried to focus her mind. Remember, remember… please remember.
&&&
Rachel sat on the kitchen island Tuesday afternoon, a cup of coffee on one hand and a quarter of vegan chocolate cake on a plate. She was exhausted and hungry as hell. Even though she knew it was coming, it didn’t get easier. She still remembered the same things from the day, but the night was still as blurry. Colors and sounds were most of her recollections, and feelings like hunger and smells and feet and hands hitting the ground.
She was in the middle of the second cup of coffee when the doorbell rang. She slid with her socks through the hardwood floor and slightly opened the door without unlocking the chain lock. A barefoot and bleak Quinn stood on the other side. Gasping, Rachel tugged on the door before realizing it was locked. She closed it quickly with a slam and opened it two seconds later, and Quinn’s expression remained the same. She was looking down to the floor and her hair was poorly done, framing her face.
“Quinn!” Rachel exclaimed, tugging on her arm to pull her inside. “Why are you in a shirt? It’s cold! And you’re… barefoot.” She finished in a murmur. When the blonde didn’t answer, Rachel pulled her to the couch and sat her down, covering her with a blanket. “Please don’t go anywhere, okay?”
The brunette came back minutes later with a steaming cup of coffee, chocolate cake on a plate and a long sweater and wool socks. She set everything on the table and handed the clothing to Quinn. The blonde sniffed as she put them on, then threw the blanket on again and drank half the coffee in one go.
Rachel simply sat on the couch next to her with her knees pulled against her chest and her cheek resting there, looking into the air.
“You’re quiet.” Quinn whispered.
“I’m tired.”
The blonde nodded and ate in silence, and Rachel almost chuckled when she saw her licking her fingers.
“Do you want more?” Quinn began to shake her head, but Rachel cut in. “I already ate two pieces and I’m going to get more right now. I also drank two cups of coffee. So, do you want more?”
“Okay.” Quinn nodded quietly.
Twenty minutes later, Quinn mirrored Rachel’s position on the couch with their knees pulled up against their chest and their cheeks resting on top.
“This is impossible.” Quinn murmured after a while.
“Yes, but don’t you feel it?”
“I do.”
Rachel heaved a sigh, and minutes later, they were asleep.
When she woke up, the living room was dark and there was barely any moon light streaming through the window. She could guess by Quinn’s frame that she was curled into a tiny ball under the blanket with her head resting on the armrest. It almost physically pained her to wake her up, but her mother would probably be worried. Getting on her knees on the cushion, Rachel held herself with a still mildly shaking hand on the backrest and rested the other hand on the blonde’s shoulder.
“Quinn? It’s late; you should probably call your mother… Quinn.” She felt her stirring underneath her, whimpering, and Rachel had to bit her lip and close her eyes for a second. “Hey… wake up, come on.”
“What time is it?” Quinn’s voice was rasp and Rachel unconsciously cleared her own throat.
“I don’t know, but it’s very dark. You should stay here, but you should also call your mom. She might be worried.”
“She’s not.” Quinn answered through a yawn, rubbing her eyes. “She’s working. She has night shifts and… day shifts… I don’t know, but she’s not home.”
“Okay…” Rachel nodded. “Text her?” Quinn sighed exasperatedly.
“If only to soothe your conscience.” The blonde palmed her pockets and frowned. Her heart started beating faster against her chest and she bit her lip.
“Quinn?” The brunette asked after a complete minute of the other girl being still. Then she heard a groan and a sniffle and Quinn broke down into tears. “Quinn! What happened? Are you hurt? Does anything hurt? Remove your blanket, let me see if there’s anything -“
“I lost it!” Quinn sobbed. Rachel halted her hands mid-air, a confused frown adorning her face.
“What… what did you lost?”
“My cellphone!” She whimpered.
Rachel sat motionless, trying not to gape at the blonde while she cried because she lost her phone. She didn’t quite know how to react, but then it occurred to her that Quinn was overreacting. She rested her hands on the blonde’s shoulders to get her attention.
“I’m sure that’s not why you’re crying, right?” She asked softly.
“I don’t know.” Quinn sniffled, trying in vain to wipe her flowing tears. “I don’t think so.” She lifted her eyes to see the brunette’s worried face. “Rachel… I… I ho -howled.” She whispered with widened eyes.
Rachel was stone still for the longest time, enough for Quinn to think that maybe she was going insane after all. Maybe Rachel didn’t actually believe in all of that and she realized how insane everything was just with hearing the blonde say those words. But then Rachel sucked in a deep breath and lunged forward to wrap her in her arms. Quinn almost felt herself turning into goo in the warm, comforting embrace.
“Oh, Quinn.” Rachel whispered so softly and full of emotion, the blonde felt a new set of tears flowing down her face. They sat there for a while, both of them crying with Quinn’s face hidden between Rachel’s neck and shoulder and the brunette’s face hidden in blonde locks. They were so wrapped up in each other, Rachel’s next words felt whispered in her ear. “I heard you.”
“What?” Quinn asked, confused and overwhelmed with sensory overload.
“Every -every time I black -change… that’s how we should call it, right?”
“I don’t know” The blonde whispered brokenly, shrugging one shoulder.
“Every time I change I -I think I hear a scream. It’s like someone’s scream turning into -into an impossible growl and then… a howl.” She took a shuddering breath, tightened her hold on Quinn and rested her chin on her shoulder. “I thought… it was me. It didn’t seem completely plausible because it seemed to come from afar, but also most of the time I wasn’t sure if the sounds were actually real or in my head because when I remember things… they’re like… sounds you hear from the surface when you’re under water.” She felt Quinn’s cheek brushing softly against hers as she nodded slowly. “But I think it’s you… Quinn?”
“Hm?”
“Where do you wake up?”
Quinn reluctantly detached herself from Rachel in order to think properly. It was becoming more difficult with her scent filling her lungs and her skin brushing against her own, and her voice comforting her and lulling her into security. She felt like she could take most of the things Rachel was saying just because she was saying them while wrapping her in her arms, but she had to let go if she wanted to think coherently.
“Not always in the same place, that’s why… I miss my clothes sometimes. I took a bag yesterday, I remember that, but I couldn’t find it this morning. I walked through the trees aimlessly for a long time…”
“Did you walk here?” Rachel interrupted, astonished.
“If I had, I would still be walking, I think.” She almost smiled. “I took the bus and told the driver I didn’t have any money, but he let me ride for free when he saw I had no shoes or warm clothes on.”
“But Quinn…” Rachel urged with her head. “Where do you wake up?”
“Right.” Quinn bit her lip and frowned. “I think… always near to where we… you know…”
“By the river?” Rachel sounded surprised.
“Yes. I, um… wash myself there because of the dirt. Um… why are you looking at me like that?”
“I wake up there, on the other side.”
“What?”
“I wake up on the other side of the river! I think I cross that little bridge because that’s what I use to get to the path the next morning…” She trailed off.
“How could we never…”
“Eludes me…” Rachel whispered with narrowed eyes. “Quinn…” She started after a minute. “You’re not… running away from me again, are you?”
The blonde bit her lip and looked down.
“I’m sorry about that… but I… I’m too scared.” She whispered, distressed. “God, I don’t want to cry anymore.”
“It’s okay.” Rachel brought Quinn close again, gently removing the hand that was covering her face.
“I’m too scared to stay alone now. I should have believed you… I did, from the moment I saw that calendar, I just knew… felt it.”
“I know. It feels like a tug, right?”
“Yes!” Quinn smiled, side-hugging Rachel and resting her head on her shoulder. “I don’t want… we can’t stay alone. Maybe we can work out things… together. If -if you want.”
“Of course, Quinn. I don’t want you to go through this alone, either. I even have plans.” Rachel nodded once to herself.
“Care to share?” The blonde smiled, not scared this time of how comfortable she could be around Rachel if she allowed it to herself.
“First of all, we have to drive there once a month.”
“What for?”
“Well… what if one day you don’t find any of your clothes? I think we should hide a backpack with clothes… dig a hole or hang it high on a tree.”
“I would have never thought of that.” Quinn smirked, amazed.
“We have to investigate, too.”
“Didn’t you have a thousand bookmarked pages on your computer?”
“Quinn! We can never be too informed or prepared.”
“You are right, sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I believe the more informed we are about our condition, the more we will remember and be able to control ourselves.”
“But I didn’t know werewolves even existed… I mean, sure there are a lot of stories out there, but that’s fiction. I’ve watched Twilight and I can’t turn into a beast whenever I please.”
“Quinn, if you would have read the books you would know those are not werewolves, they’re shape-shifters.” Rachel nodded with finality.
“I can’t believe how this conversation turned out.” Quinn mumbled.
“Never mind Twilight, there is always a base from where fiction is drawn upon. Myths and legends are based on true facts, admittedly people confused human diseases and covered them with supernatural enlightenments, but there was always some form of truth.”
“So you’re saying we should watch Twilight and An American Werewolf in London. For educational purposes. “
“Yes.” Quinn snorted. “Don’t mock me! I know those stories are full of fantasy, Quinn, but there’s no harm in watching them and learn truth and lie about them!”
“Okay! Okay, I have no trouble watching those movies with you. I think you’re way more prepared for this than I am. I’m still not fully convinced I’m not just insane and hallucinating and you’re already planning on forming a pack.”
“That’s outrageous! I would never -“
“Rachel!” Quinn grinned. “I’m joking with you.” She said softly, shrugging one shoulder and biting her lip. Rachel could see the playful glint in her eye even in the poor lightning in the room.
“Right.” She breathed out. “I’m just… not used to you being playful with me.”
“Well don’t get used to it, I’m not really like that.”
They locked eyes and Rachel could feel heat rising to her face. In the back of her mind she registered that her hands weren’t shaking any more.
“We should get some sleep.” Rachel broke their stare, licking her lips as she got up.
&&&
“You tricked me, Berry.” Quinn accused tree days later from her side of the couch.
“I beg your pardon?”
“There are no werewolves in this one! Just creepy vampires and creepy humans.”
“I resent that, it’s romantic. Perhaps even educational if we ever happen to encounter vampires…”
“Hey! Wait, no. No, don’t say that. Vampires are not real!”
“I bet you thought the same thing about werewolves just a few months ago.” Rachel smirked.
“Please, let’s not go there. I can hardly believe this as it is. Let’s pretend we’re the only ones, okay?” Quinn took a deep breath. “Okay?”
“Okay.” The brunette nodded. “And, for the record? I was just messing with you. “
“Ha-ha.”
“Let’s watch New Moon!” Rachel chirped, jumping from the couch to the DVD player and changing the DVDs, carefully saving Twilight on its box before sliding it into the shelf.
Quinn watched her, unconsciously shaking her head with a side smile.
“Do you really like the movie so much?”
“Well… I read the books before it became such a bestseller, so I’m a little fond of them… but nothing too special for me.” She chuckled. “I’m just really careful with DVDs.”
“Good, because that story it’s not a good example for girls. I mean, hooking up with a vampire that climbed through your window and watched you sleep? And who wants to eat you?”
“Hush, I happen to like it.”
“So he just… explodes and turns into a wolf?” Quinn asked as the credits rolled. “I happen to remember a lot of pain and screams… and he looks like a huge dog.”
“Quinn, I told you, he’s a shape shifter, not a werewolf.”
“Then why did we even watched it?”
Rachel shrugged, grinning.
“I felt like it.”
“You felt like it?” Quinn snarled.
“Down, puppy. You just seemed so -“
“Please don’t call me puppy. Actually, no ‘please’, don’t you dare call me puppy.”
“Okay, so you’re getting your old spark back, I see.” Quinn frowned. “Quinn, you looked exhausted. If I may be so bold, you’ve looked exhausted for months now. I thought today we should just… relax.”
Quinn sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“You’re right.” She breathed out. “Thank you. And I’m sorry I snapped at you. It’s been really hard to control my temper lately; I was good at it before.”
“Really?” Rachel arched an eyebrow. “Didn’t seem like that to me.” She murmured.
“You’d be surprised.” At the look on the brunette’s face, Quinn felt blush rise up to her cheeks and tried to cover it up. “Just… don’t call me puppy. I’m not a dog.”
Rachel smiled playfully at her.
“Ah-uuh.”