(no subject)
Chapter four.
Quinn avoided Rachel like the plague for the next three weeks. Whatever it was the brunette had seen her do or whatever it was she knew, Quinn didn’t want to talk about it. She’d thought before that she’d be hungry for any information she could get about what was happening to her, but when it came down to it, when the illusion was a reality, she was terrified of knowing. Especially because it was Rachel; she was the one who could maybe help her, and Quinn couldn’t bear the thought of opening herself up to harm in front of her.
She tried to convince herself it wouldn’t happen again, but she still checked the date every time she woke up, even if every time, she woke up in her bed. There seemed to be a pattern, weeks of normalcy and then… She knew trying to convince herself was in vain, but there was nothing else she could do. Even if she thought about talking with Rachel every day, even if her entire body ached to turn back every time the girl tried to approach her and she walked away, she just couldn’t.
Without the Cheerios, she didn’t have physical activity to occupy her brain and tire her body, so she woke up early every morning and went for a jog. After a week, Quinn noticed she passed in front of an ice-skate rink on her way back, and the itch came to her and wouldn’t go away.
When she was in middle school, trying to lose her baby fat, she discovered a passion for ballet. In her old town, she went to a huge art building with several floors, one for each activity, and the first one was an ice-skating rink. After every ballet class, Quinn would go there to wait for her mother to pick her up, and she would watch girls and boys do figure skating. It amazed her the similarities it had with ballet, but the way it was also so different, so exciting, and her mother thought it was another good sport to model her figure. She hadn’t practiced in years, not since moving to Lima, but she didn’t see why it wouldn’t be a good idea now.
It was the first time she had some sort of normalcy in her day for months now, and she saw the relief in her mother’s face when she came back beaming from her first class. She told her how her feet hurt and how she almost fell as soon as she stepped into the ice, all with a smile, and her mother started smiling too, and soon they were remembering classes and the only competition she was in, laughing all the way through dinner. Quinn went to bed with a smile for the first time in a really long time, and when she woke up the next morning, she lay in bed with her eyes closed, feeling the sheets and taking deep breaths.
&&&
Rachel walked into the bathroom between first and second period to wash her face and try to soothe her headache when she heard faint noises from one of the stalls. She stood still, admiring the dark rings under her eyes, and heard it again.
“Quinn?” Nothing. “Quinn, is that you? Are you okay?” Still nothing. “Are you… is your head hurting?” She took a deep breath and splashed cold water to her heated face before bracing herself. “My head hurts a lot. It’s pounding and my temples feel like they’re going to explode… it’s been hurting all week.” She finished in a whisper, but she still got no answer. “It stated as a mild headache but it got stronger every day. I took Advil and a stronger ibuprofen but they didn’t work. I’m… also really hungry all the time a-and it’s been harder to control my temper.” Her voice wavered as she gripped the edge of the sink, her knuckles white. “Please… please answer me.”
“I’m scared.” Quinn whimpered from inside the stall. Rachel’s head snapped up, her own teary reflection staring back at her.
“I’m scared, too.”
“I don’t want to talk about this. Please go.”
“No, Quinn, please -“
“I don’t want to know!”
“Just…” Rachel trembled. “Maybe tomorrow you’ll wake up with a fever. Today, before going to sleep, prepare a bag of clothes.” She whispered and waited for a response. “Okay…” She nodded to herself. “Prepare a -a bag of clothes and don’t go out of the house without it.”
She splashed more cold water to her face before walking out of the bathroom.
Inside the stall, Quinn sat on the toilet lid, both hands covering her mouth and tears streaming down her face.
&&&
Rachel knew it as soon as she woke up. Her head hurt almost to the point of crying and she felt hot all over. With shaking hands, she grabbed the note she scribbled yesterday and set it on top of her backpack. Her mind was heady and she didn’t know how long she could continue to control herself, so she quickly washed her face and teeth in the bathroom and put on some sweats and an old pink Barbra t-shirt. They were the most old, ruined clothes she possessed, and she chose them in case she couldn’t find them tomorrow. Today was the day, she felt it in her bones, and so she grabbed her backpack and left the note on her freezer before shakily walking out of the door.
As soon as morning air hit her face, she sighed in relief. It felt so good, and she quickly realized she was walking down the street without thinking about it. She allowed her body to follow that pull at her waist as she walked down the street, farther away from home. She didn’t feel tired even as the sun set high in the sky, indicating noon. Her body propelled her forward, she could feel every muscle working and warming and she prayed she could stay in this semi-consciousness all day. Shops passed by her and houses became further apart, she was aware it was the afternoon but she felt no hunger, no exhaustion, and her headache lessened the farther she walked and her muscles worked. The air around her began to change, became colder, the sun started disappearing and that’s when she sprinted, a grin forming on her face while she ran. The thought of night approaching made her so happy she wanted to laugh, and as she made her way between the trees, she felt Moon light washing over her and her chest reverberated with happiness. Laughter found its way out of her throat and she ripped the backpack off her shoulders. She ran and jumped branches and her clothes were flying in the air. A sharp cry, far away across the river made her almost falter in her step, but there was no stopping her body and in the back of her mind, Rachel knew her theory was coming true. As she fell to the floor, a screaming tearing her body apart, she heard that nasal baritone noise filled the air, and everything went black once more.
&&&
As soon as her mind woke up, Quinn opened her eyes wide and screamed into the sky at the top of her lungs. Her stomach hurt at the sensation and she pounded her arms and legs onto the hard ground. She screamed until her throat was raw and her eyes burned and then she got up, ran through the trees until she spotted the river and launched herself to the cold water.
It took her less than usual to find her clothes because this time, she brought a backpack. She got dressed clumsily with shaking hands and trembling limbs and ran down the path, to the road, and the miles to the bus stop. She cried for the entire trip and, as soon as she got home, she threw her backpack into the coat closet and headed out again for her morning run. Everything hurt; her throat, her feet, her entire body and her head, but when she ran her usual route and got home again, she found her hands almost didn’t shake at all, even if the rest of her body did.
Come Monday, she swore to herself to find Rachel and finally talk, because it was painfully obvious now that, whatever was happening to her, maybe to them, wasn’t just common. And if Rachel could tell her what to expect, maybe she could start to get a hold of her life once and for all, otherwise, sadness would eat her alive.
&&&
Rachel hadn’t been able to concentrate all day. She got a note in her locker to meet Quinn in the parking lot after school, and nerves were getting the best of her. It was one thing to have theories and charts and about eleven bookmarks about it on her computer, but she knew that once she said it out loud, it was going to be real. And Quinn… she was either going to work with her, or laugh at her, or maybe even slap her in the face.
Still, Rachel’s memories, as blurry and confusing as they were, were impossible to argue against. If only she could project them to Quinn…
The blonde was leaning against her car, legs crossed and arms holding each other on her stomach. She looked really tired, purple bags under her eyes and gazed unfocused, and Rachel saw so much of her own physical appearance in the blonde that some of her uneasiness went away.
“Hi.” She said shyly, almost bracing herself for rejection even if it was the blonde who left a note for her.
“Hey, Rachel.” Quinn turned around and opened the car door, reaching over to open the passenger side.
Rachel got the hint and slide in, fastening her seatbelt. They sat in silence for a while.
“I want to talk about it.” Quinn whispered dreadfully. “But I know it’s bad and I don’t know if I can handle it.”
“Could you take me home?” The blonde whipped her head to face Rachel, a confused, hurt expression on her face. “Quinn! I mean, I have a lot of things there that perhaps I could show you.” She saw the blonde relax a little and nod, turning the car on. “Could I possibly… ask you a few questions as we go?”
Quinn inhaled deeply and slowly through her nose and blew the air with her mouth.
“Okay.”
“How did your scar really heal?”
Quinn bit her lip and furrowed her brow. She didn’t say anything and when they stop at a red light, Rachel gently placed her hand on the blonde’s elbow.
“Look.” She whispered and pulled up her shirt, turning her body so Quinn could see her own healed scar. She heard the blonde inhale sharply. “I woke up… I woke up and it was like this, just… completely healed.”
Quinn turned back to look forward when they heard a honk behind them and started driving in silence again.
“It happened the same way… for me.” She said at last.
“And… the headaches… do you have them?” Quinn nodded. “For how long?”
“I’m… not sure. A week, maybe?”
Rachel nodded, fiddling with her hands in her lap. They were talking in whispers even if they were the only ones in the car, but she didn’t think she could talk about this any other way.
“Fever?”
“I think so.”
“For how long?”
“A -a day. Maybe two.”
Rachel bit her lip, nodding as she looked out of the window. This was just… too strange. It didn’t seem like real life; she hoped to wake up any given second, but despite her flair for the dramatics, she wouldn’t pinch her arm. It couldn’t be so delusional if Quinn was experiencing it, too.
They got to her house and Quinn parked at the garage entrance, and they sat in silence for a while longer.
“Are we dying?” Quinn asked with a trembling voice.
“I don’t think so.” Rachel whispered back.
“Are we going insane?”
“Maybe.”
“Rachel.” Quinn whimpered.
“Let’s go inside.”
“I miss days.” Quinn whispered as they sat on the couch, backs against opposite armrests. ”I… can’t remember what I did, and I wake up…” She didn’t dare say it.
“I remember things now.” The blonde looked up at the implication that Rachel missed days, too. “It happened four times now, the… blackouts. But I’ve been trying… to control myself, so I’m starting to remember…”
“Please tell me what happens when you wake up.” Quinn whispered desperately, clenching her jaw and her fists.
Rachel looked up at her with a look on her face… Quinn felt her eyes piercing through her under those endless eyelashes, a glint that told her that Rachel knew. She knew.
“Do you run from your house to the woods?” Rachel asked instead. Her voice was no longer a whisper and Quinn felt that, whatever doubt the brunette had in her mind, it’s gone now. If she wasn’t sure before, she is now.
“Yes.” The blonde bit her lip, tears streaming down her face. She didn’t know if it was fear or relief, or perhaps both, and she couldn’t tell the difference. Rachel’s eyes didn’t soften, and Quinn watched panicked as she got up from the couch.
“It’s okay.” She cupped her cheek. “I’ll be right back, please don’t cry.”
Quinn nodded and wiped at her cheeks as Rachel disappeared from the living room, she slide down until her body lay completely on the couch and closed her eyes. Just the knowledge that Rachel had any idea of what was going on was enough for her mind to shut down for a few seconds, for her lungs to finally fill completely with air.
Rachel got back balancing a glass of water on top of a notebook and a computer, and Quinn quickly got up and took the glass before it turned into a disaster.
“It’s for you.” Rachel indicated to the glass with her head as she sat down on the couch and opened her computer, a bright screen suddenly illuminating her face. “I realize this is going to sound utterly foolish to you, Quinn, and believe me when I assure you I would react the same way if the situations were reversed. But first tell me, do you recall any event from these days we forget?”
“I… don’t know.” Quinn admitted, sighing. “Every time I wake up, I’m so scared… anything I might remember, I shove it to the back of my mind. I -I was scared, still am, and I didn’t want to think about it.”
She expected Rachel to be mad, but the brunette nodded her head, a side smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.
“I thought I had a brain tumor, but what happens to me has clearly nothing to do with it.”
“I think -thought, I thought that maybe… I had multiple personality disorder.” Quinn whispered finally. Just to say those hunting words took a very light weight out of her chest.
“It doesn’t quite work like that, thought, does it?” Rachel smirked. Quinn immediately envied whatever knowledge she had, no matter how foolish she thought it was.
“I don’t know.”
“I remember walking all day and then running all day.” Rachel said and looked at Quinn. They locked eyes and Rachel took a deep breath. “When I wake up in the morning, my head feels like it’s splitting in half and I’m… really warm, with a fever. But then the air outside feels so good and my body… there’s this tug, this pull I can’t elude that makes my mind take the back seat and… does any of that happen to you?” Her voice was vulnerable again and Quinn closed her eyes, forced her mind to try to remember.
“I can’t control my body.” She whispered with her eyes closed and her brow furrowed. “And when the night comes… I’m running through the trees. And I’m…”
“Laughing?” Rachel whispered.
“Yes.” Quinn breathed out. “But then I fall and… everything hurts. And I scream, but I’m not sure if it’s me or…”
“Because it sounds far away.”
“Yes.” The blonde opened frightened eyes and met deep brown ones. “Are you going to tell me now?”
“First…” She cleared her throat. “First, let’s go over the symptoms.”
“Okay.”
“Headaches and fever… all a week before every incident.” Quinn nodded. “Do you feel hungrier these past months?”
Hazel eyes widened.
“I do.”
Rachel nodded.
“You’re irritable and sometimes unable to control your mood.”
Quinn opened her mouth, not quite able to close it after she nodded once more.
“I growled at a jock.” Rachel chuckled, somewhat breaking a little of the tension. Quinn smiled.
“And… the incident… it happens once a month.”
Quinn nodded, trying to grasp at whatever conclusion Rachel seemed to get from all of the facts.
“There’s once last thing.” Rachel opened her notebook and flipped the pages, intermittently reading and looking at Quinn. “Your first blackout… do you remember the exact date?”
“December 21st.”
Rachel bit her lip.
“Second?”
“January 19th.”
Rachel let out a shaky breath and closed her eyes. She rested both palms wide open against her stomach and hesitantly said the last two dates out loud.
“February 18th and… March 19th.”
When she opened her eyes, Quinn was looking at her with an unreadable expression on her face. She took the notebook out of her hands and her eyes roamed over the page.
“Mo -Moon calendar?” She stammered out.
Rachel bit her lip, waiting to see if the information sunk in. But Quinn just stared blankly at the sheet in front or her, so Rachel opened a window in her computer and calmly replaced items on the blonde’s lap. Quinn read with one hand gripping the couch and the other softly pressing the down arrow. After an endless eternity, she looked back at Rachel.
“You’re not serious.”
“Quinn…”
But Quinn’s face hardened. Her jaw set and she stubbornly shook her head. Rachel could see her eyes setting forward, shutting her out.
“I actually thought…” She shuddered, the movement spilling her tears down.
“I’m serious about this!” Rachel pleaded.
Quinn set the computer between them on the couch and stood up quickly, her back stiff and her face contorted into some sort of emotion beyond Rachel’s comprehension.
“Don’t go… Quinn!”
But the blonde was out of her living room in a blaze of impossible speed, slamming her door two seconds later.