oh my...it's been so long

Nov 02, 2006 00:24

where does the time go?

I swear, I'm finding myself spending more and more time downloading music, answering emails, myspace messages, and looking up random shit more than anything. By the time I remember to post something in my journal, I'm either too tired or just plain forget.

Please, forgive me LJ. I do miss you so! I really really do! I should fondle you more often. It's a great release. I just wish I could access you from work, but alas the computer tech nazis (do I capitalize that word?) have forbidden me to access you during working hours :(

Anyhow, so not much to report. I'm still single. 2007 will mark my 6th year being single. It's so weird. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined me going this long without having someone to share my life with. Being in a relationship is so foreign to me now. I'm almost afraid I wouldn't even know how to be somebody's girlfriend anymore. I've become so independent, and so involved with my son, my family, and with the whole Chris situation...I often wonder whether or not I'll ever find myself loving anyone else again. I'm sure that I will. But right now, I'm finding that I have zero interest in anyone who comes along and wants to get to know me. ZERO!

I even passed up having a late night party with a porn star named Kurt Lockwood. Yes, a porn star wanted to party with me last Friday night...and I turned him down. Even after he opened up a bottle of Cristal. What the hell is wrong with me? Well, frankly I was intimidated by him. Plus, I wasn't in the mood to stay up all night (if you know what I mean). I opted to just hang out with my friend Brian all night and watch stupid things on TV.

Brian has been such a godsend these past few months. He's the boyfriend that I've always wanted, but without the sex. He treats me so well...always pays my way for everything, buys me drinks, lets me crash at his place, and loans me money when I'm broke as hell. I've known him for nearly 20 years. he's like my brother...and he takes care of me like I'm his siter. I love him to death. But I do need to stop doing "that". I really need to stop "that".

And Chris. Well, things are still the same. We slipped a couple of times evern after we promised eachother we were gonna work hard at being friends. We (well, I) set boundaries and asked that he keep his distance and respect the boundaries. He flipped out on me one night and we got into a big fight about it. We kissed and made up. Then we went out one night and we slipped up again. God, what the hell is wrong with us?! This is the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in. We obviously care about eachother very much. We obviously are attracted to eachother, and enjoy being around one another. But we put up this facade, and pretend like we don't care about what's going on...and act like we're no big deal. It's such a joke. Such a fuckin joke. I still get pissed about it. I still cry about it sometimes. But I'm still working on giving up. I'm trying so hard to let go. I know I'm making progress cuz I don't get depressed as much as I use to anymore. I can feel it in my heart that I'm letting go little by little.

I'm trying to force myself to spark up new friendships. I need a diversion. I've tried with that guy, Bryan. But that didn't work out. Not my fault...he just turned out to be not very interesting at all.

I've made several failed attempts at hooking up with other men. Hell, I've even tried hooking up with chicks...but even that didn't go very well either.

I dunno. It still hurts sometimes to lay in my empty bed. Chris is the only one who's been here and laid with me in my new bed. Chris is the only one that I've cooked for and cuddled with on my couch at my new place. He's the only one that makes me laugh. He's the only one who I sit and stare at while he's the only one who sits and stares at me. Nobody looks at me the way he does. I haven't felt this way about anyone in such a long time. And yet I have to force myself to shake it off. Because that's what HE wants me to do to save the friendship.

So now we just hang out and have plutonic outings together. We have tickets to see the Lakers on Friday. After that, who knows what. It's all the same every weekend. He'll either go hang out with his friend Matt and Matt's girlfriend who always invites Chris to her girlfriend's parties. But if nothing is going on with them, he'll ask me if I wanna hang out. And I ALWAYS say yes. I need to start saying NO.

I am having a lil' get together this sat night. I have not invited him. I'm trying...yet, again to push him away. But it never fails. Every time I do...he gives me shit...and he gets mad at me cuz he doesn't understand why we can't hang out as buddies. I just don't know what to do about it anymore.

ARRGH!!

yeah, now I remember why I don't write in my lj anymore.
cuz all I end up doing is talking about "him".

ARGH!!!!!!!
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