Weekend Of Bliss And Trauma
ghostwriterxx, deinemuse, fizrep, thereject and I got together for a weekend of simple activity: let's play some games. Computer games. Ah, the epitome of geekdom, the geek activity of the 21st century: the LAN party. Computers were set up, cables connected, junk food readied, alcoholic concoctions concocted, and public opinion discarded. ghostwriterxx found the Golden Oreos particularly attractive, while the Honey Mustard and Onion Crack Dust pretzel bits were my drug of choice. deinemuse prepared some snacky burrito thingies that were remarkably tasty as well. Red Bulls and copious amounts of candy were made available to round it all out. It was a fine array of culinary horror.
Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself. That was the setup for Saturday evening. We assembled for a remarkably healthy lunch that morning (at least, remarkable compared to some of the ingredients listed in the previous paragraph) and then went to see Alien Vs. Predator, a guilty pleasure movie if there ever was one. I'll write a review later. No, it will not be a contender at the Academy Awards this year, if you were wondering. Yes, it was fun. We noticed, in the credits, two jobs of particular interest: Predator Stunt Double and Alien Stunt Double.
1) What exactly does the Predator Stunt Double do? Our scenario follows:
Director: Right, now Predator, you're standing in the hallway and the Alien will leap out and slam into your chest, knocking you into the stone wall.
Predator: Whoa there. That hurt last time. I'm calling in my stunt double.
[Pred and PSD change places]
Director: Action!
Predator Stunt Double: [pause] (growls) LINE?
Director: CUT!!!
2) What exactly does the Alien Stunt Double do? The alien seems more of a wannabe French avant-garde actor type. He is always in black, after all.
Director: Okay, Alien, you'll be on the Predator, and you'll use your second mouth to penetrate his skull.
Alien: You know, I'm not sure that's what my character would do right now. I mean, what is his motivation? I'm just not feeling him. I need to meditate on this. I'll be in my trailer.
Director: STUNT DOUBLE!
Alien Stunt Double: Not another head-biting scene. I chipped a tooth last time!
Then we went home and started up the gaming madness. Rise of Nations and Age of Mythology were the real-time strategy offerings of choice. We played a few allied games against some tough computer opponents, then played some rounds against each other. ghostwriterxx demonstrated her mastery of mouse clicks while I was accused of being a little too "fast and free" with nuclear weapons. What good are nukes if you don't use them on primitive and defenseless cultures, I ask you? Anyway... inbetween, we dosed up a few rounds of Unreal Tournament 2004, just to get the killing in up-close and personal. No, we're not really violent sociopaths at heart. We just play them on TV.
During all of this, deinemuse played Bartendress From Hell, using up a good portion of a litre of Absolut and some cranberry stuff to get herself, fizrep and ghostwriterxx lit up like the tree in Rockefeller Centre. I hopped myself up in the opposite direction with several Red Bulls and a box of Nerds. It's truly a wonder any of us survived this madness. And, on the note of madness, I tried out thereject's copy of Doom 3. Scary. Scary hard. More scary. One could conceivably piss themselves out of surprise playing this game. They clearly took all the good story elements from System Shock 2 and copy-and-pasted them in to make a creepy game with awesome atmosphere. It's all good.
Alas, the fun and excitement proved to be too much for thereject, who, early Sunday morning, suffered a seizure that required him to be taken to the emergency room for examination. Now, although that in itself is not funny, the following related incidents are:
1) The police officer and the paramedics who arrived to help out were very professional and kind, but not even Stevie Wonder could have missed the evidence hidden in plain sight: bottles of alcohol, empty and scattered throughout the kitchen; junk food wrappers everywhere; five computers wired together like in some bad Angelina Jolie movie. I don't know exactly what they were thinking, but I bet they had some stories to tell at the office when they got back.
2) I see fizrep supporting thereject on the floor as we wait for the ambulance. I notice that thereject's computer is on and a game is on-screen. So, he was playing something just before he went down. Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind is "Holy crap, that shit they talk about computer games causing seizures because of flashes and stuff really does happen!" The second thing that comes to mind, after I notice that the game was paused, was "God damn, he's hard-core. He suffered a seizure, and still managed, in his final moments, to think 'Ack... losing consciousness... must pause game... before... aaaalllghghghg...'"
[EDIT: I forgot this part too:
2A) The truth of the matter is, fizrep paused the game. This in and of itself is funny. I imagine him following this train of thought: "Holy shit, thereject is down and having some kind of seizure... and his game is still running. Oh, he's doing well. I'd better pause this, because I know he'd want to come back and continue playing."]
3) When I returned to the ER later that evening to pick up thereject (who now had a package of CAT scans of his brain, which from certain angles resembled a roast chicken... but that's beside the point), it was like stepping into the set of Cocoon. The room contained one (1) thereject, six (6) medical staff members, and eight (8) elderly patients. And by elderly I don't mean late fifties. I mean take my age, raise it to the second power, and then tack on a few extra years for good measure. Imhotep himself would have been a spring chicken in there.
[EDIT: I forgot this next section:
4) During the incident, there were at least five EMTs and one police officer inside, with a police cruiser and ambulance outside, and myself, deinemuse, and fizrep answering questions and helping out and calling and stuff. We made a big ruckus. They made a big ruckus. thereject would have made more of a ruckus if we hadn't been restraining him. All in all, not the most subtle and silent of procedures. Who's missing from the above equation? ghostwriterxx, who somehow manages to SLEEP THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING.]
We returned safe and sound. And, proving that we either never learn or we're just thumbing our noses at the Supreme Being, we got another round of Age of Mythology in. Just to show them.
Now I'm at work, loaded up on a big-ass cappuccino, and ready for another fun-filled action-packed week in the office. Or something like that.
And, as a token reminder, the ljdq has a new quiz up. Everyone who's played so far has helped contribute to the funnyness. We love you all. Keep on playing! Tell your friends! Tell your friends' friends! Rock On!