March Monday Movie!
Yes, after a long hiatus, my movie reviews are back in business. Actually it's mostly because the past three months have been chock full of ass-suckage at the theaters. Not that the movie I'm about to review is a real gem or anything, but hell, it's a movie, and I saw it, and that's the sum of things. Let a new year of cinematic wisdom commence!
Hidalgo
Poor Viggo Mortensen. He's had quite the illustrious film career, performing admirably as a Navy Seal drill instructor in G.I.Jane, Aragorn in The Lord Of The Rings, and yes, he even played Lucifer, the Devil himself, in The Prophecy. You can't dog a man who played Satan. So where does he go form there? Downward, I think. The ladies approve of him as a tasty hunk of man flesh, and so casting him in a movie with lots of horses pretty much spells "chick flick". However, I can fairly review a chick flick just as I can review an action movie; I'm not a complete man-monkey here. On the other hand, I was not the ideal movie guest, and I'll explain why shortly.
The plot: Aragorn challenges the entire Arab world to a race. Raise your hand if you honestly think he's going to lose. Anyone? Nope, didn't think so.
The pros: Viggo plays the sad, broken cowboy to the hilt. He's really not a bad actor, although this part was fairly simplistic to play. Omar Sharif, on the other hand, is bad ass. Even in his late 100's, which he must surely be, he's still energetic on screen, a very large and dynamic presence. Only Lo Pan could have done better in that role. There were several well-choreographed fight scenes, a few bad CGI cheetahs (thanks, Russell Crowe, for being too much of a pussy to have a real predatory cat on screen in Gladiator), and outstanding animal training. Hidalgo the Horse is more eloquent than Mr. Ed himself. Hell, he's more eloquent than Viggo in this film. As a bonus, Jonathan K. Simmons, who played J.Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man, cameos, and I have to give props for that.
The cons: Did I already mention bad CGI cheetahs? Yes? Good. Did I mention that it's obvious what's going to happen at the end? Yes? Good. Duh, the hero's going to win and redeem himself and make everything right with his life back home. Raise your hand if you really really didn't see that coming? Anyone? I thought not. Some reviewers have commented that it's just a movie that says "Americans good, Arabs bad". Just like The Passion of the Christ does with the Jews? Doubtful. There are good Arabs and bad Arabs. You encounter the clash of cultures, much as Tom Cruise did in The Last Samurai. Fortunately they color-coded the Arabs- bad Arabs had short and/or pointy beards, good Arabs had larger rounder beards. That was helpful. Think I'm being facetious? Go watch the movie and report back to me. I'm not.
The verdict: Eh. It's not even tremendously inspirational like it should be. But then again, I'm old and jaded. If you like Viggo and Horses in the same movie, by all means, this is the film for you. Although, you know, he was also in The Lord of the Rings, which also had horses... hmmm.
Disclaimer: Like I said, I was a bad moviegoer. A short way into the movie (maybe two or three minutes) I invented the impromptu "Lord Of The Rings-Hidalgo Crossover Game", in which I made as many appropriate (or inappropriate) LOTR quotes as I could whenever warranted. This would make a fun drinking game. Mike was amused. perkyczarlet was less amused.
Hidalgo
Poor Viggo Mortensen. He's had quite the illustrious film career, performing admirably as a Navy Seal drill instructor in G.I.Jane, Aragorn in The Lord Of The Rings, and yes, he even played Lucifer, the Devil himself, in The Prophecy. You can't dog a man who played Satan. So where does he go form there? Downward, I think. The ladies approve of him as a tasty hunk of man flesh, and so casting him in a movie with lots of horses pretty much spells "chick flick". However, I can fairly review a chick flick just as I can review an action movie; I'm not a complete man-monkey here. On the other hand, I was not the ideal movie guest, and I'll explain why shortly.
The plot: Aragorn challenges the entire Arab world to a race. Raise your hand if you honestly think he's going to lose. Anyone? Nope, didn't think so.
The pros: Viggo plays the sad, broken cowboy to the hilt. He's really not a bad actor, although this part was fairly simplistic to play. Omar Sharif, on the other hand, is bad ass. Even in his late 100's, which he must surely be, he's still energetic on screen, a very large and dynamic presence. Only Lo Pan could have done better in that role. There were several well-choreographed fight scenes, a few bad CGI cheetahs (thanks, Russell Crowe, for being too much of a pussy to have a real predatory cat on screen in Gladiator), and outstanding animal training. Hidalgo the Horse is more eloquent than Mr. Ed himself. Hell, he's more eloquent than Viggo in this film. As a bonus, Jonathan K. Simmons, who played J.Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man, cameos, and I have to give props for that.
The cons: Did I already mention bad CGI cheetahs? Yes? Good. Did I mention that it's obvious what's going to happen at the end? Yes? Good. Duh, the hero's going to win and redeem himself and make everything right with his life back home. Raise your hand if you really really didn't see that coming? Anyone? I thought not. Some reviewers have commented that it's just a movie that says "Americans good, Arabs bad". Just like The Passion of the Christ does with the Jews? Doubtful. There are good Arabs and bad Arabs. You encounter the clash of cultures, much as Tom Cruise did in The Last Samurai. Fortunately they color-coded the Arabs- bad Arabs had short and/or pointy beards, good Arabs had larger rounder beards. That was helpful. Think I'm being facetious? Go watch the movie and report back to me. I'm not.
The verdict: Eh. It's not even tremendously inspirational like it should be. But then again, I'm old and jaded. If you like Viggo and Horses in the same movie, by all means, this is the film for you. Although, you know, he was also in The Lord of the Rings, which also had horses... hmmm.
Disclaimer: Like I said, I was a bad moviegoer. A short way into the movie (maybe two or three minutes) I invented the impromptu "Lord Of The Rings-Hidalgo Crossover Game", in which I made as many appropriate (or inappropriate) LOTR quotes as I could whenever warranted. This would make a fun drinking game. Mike was amused. perkyczarlet was less amused.