Back From Beyond!
Much as the legendary General MacArthur said he would, I have returned from my grand sojourn out west. I know you all missed me terribly.
First things first: Happy belated birthday to ghostwriterxx, angledge, and Clayton (chrysoberyl, you can tell him that for me).
What, you might ask, could have happened in five days of travel? I know the question gnaws at you, and I am here to satisfy your curiosity. So read on in wonderment and awe, as my chilling tale unfolds before you!
THURSDAY
As an introductory note, it should be pointed out that this trip is to Tucson, Arizona, primarily for the purpose of seeing someone get married. That part comes much later in the story, and is relatively boring, as most weddings are.
In any event, at about 1:00 am Thursday morning, fizrep and I begin drinking. We feel this is a good start to any vacation, and we recommend it highly to all readers, unless you're under 21, of course, because that would be naughty. Although gin and tonics are a perennial favorite of ours, we have discovered the magic that is Thin Mint Chocolate Cookie Liquor.
Quote of the Day: "It's like Essence Of Girl Scout, in a bottle, with alcohol!" - chaosvizier
This magical concoction is put out by Just Desserts and is sweet and tasty. Mmmmm boy.
Our flight is at 5:30 am. Yes, that early. We opted not to sleep, but just drink our way through. A somewhat sleepy ebontigress deposited us off at Newark, and away we flew (after discovering that most airport bars are not open at 4:30 am; what a goddam shame). The flight to Atlanta was cramped but tolerable. The flight from Atlanta to Tucson was sheer unadulterated hell. The plane was nice- lots of leg room, we had an extra seat to sprawl in, all good things. But then we hear this raspy voice, a bastard hybrid of Eric Cartman, Rain Man, and someone who's smoked 50 packs a day for several decades, and the one word in its vocabulary is "Mommy". Now, far be it from me to be completely pitiless to the mentally handicapped, but on this day, this... thing drove away all semblance of mercy from my soul as it blathered on and on and on for four hours straight with nary a pause for breath. Blood trickled forth from my ears as I realized that pleasant dreams were not in my future. Murderous thoughts danced in my cerebellum, but somehow I maintained calmness and tact and waited through the ordeal, all the while begging for an engine malfunction that would plunge the plane into the earth and end my infernal torment. No such luck; we landed safely.
Tucson is hot. This is to be expected, as it is a desert. 'nuff said about that.
fizrep and I get our luggage and go rent a car. The aptly named Enterprise agency gives us a chassis with a warp drive attached. One faint tap of the accelerator launches us several thousand feet forward through four buildings. As Keanu Reeves has been known to say, "Whoah." The car reached speeds that exceeded human mathematics with incredible ease. With a bit more fine-tuning of the car's control scheme, we are actually able to travel backwards in time and get some extra sleep. This was good. Then we ate sushi (having discovered that the best place to get raw fish is clearly in the middle of a desert, as evidenced by the twelve billion sushi joints in the city), got to the hotel, and crashed.
Sushi Poem Of The Day:
"I don't mind eels
Except as meals
And the way they feels."
After watching Gangster Crabs on the Discovery Channel, we meet up with our friends Vanessa (living in Tucson), Larry and Moe (flew in from Ithaca), and Kevin (getting married, reason we're all there). Kevin had a bag of candy just sitting there on his kitchen table, and as he left the room, Vanessa, fizrep, and I pounced.
Quote of the Day: "Kit-Kats!" - "Reeses!" - "Almond Joy!" - "Mmmmmm..."
After dinner, Moe, Larry, and fizrep went out while I chose option B: pass the fuck out and sleep like the dead.
FRIDAY
The goal of the day was simple: Climb Mount Lemmon in search of pie. For those of you who are unaware of Tucsonian geography, Mt. Lemmon is a big honking mountain just north of the city. It's about 10000 feet high or some such jabber. Whatever. The point is, at the top of this mountain is a small residential community (or was, as I'll explain shortly), and one of the dining establishments there serves THE BEST PIE IN A 5000 MILE RADIUS. It's good pie. And, as I've mentioned before, I love pie. So we pile into our starship, get clearance from NASA, and 2.7 seconds later are at the top of the mountain dining on fine pie. We then take a hike along the mountain ridge, look down at pretty scenery, watch Larry almost drop his camera down a 1000 foot rockslide, and come back to find that the rangers gave our engine-with-wheels a ticket. Super-lame! Even lamer, it's a paltry $5 ticket. They'd have saved more money not going to the trouble of writing a ticket out for us. Cheap.
The mountain had also recently been devastated by a massive forest fire. It destroyed most of the houses in the community and a lot of the businesses as well. Thousands of acres of trees and earth scorched black. Death everywhere... except the pie place.
Quote of the Day: "It was like God went all Sodom and Gomorrah on this mountain. I SHALL CLEANSE THE EARTH WITH FIRE!!! - Ooooh, hold on there Gabriel. That's some good pie. They shall be spared." - fizrep
The five of us then descend upon another sushi restaurant and eat an UNGODLY amount of sushi. This restaurant fears us, and with good reason.
Sushi Poem Of The Day:
"When you swim in a creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's amore."
Quote of the Day: "Why would you put styrofoam balls in perfectly good pudding?" - Vanessa on tapioca
What better way to finish off an evening than Mini-Golf? Well, besides heavy drinking, which came shortly afterwards, I can't think of one offhand. So there we were, noticing that every obstacle and decoration in this golf course had a certain anal theme. The monkey's tail, swinging a bit too low... the bull's tail, equally misplaced... Buddha, who asked that you shoot a ball up his ass so that he might direct it into the hole... the alligator, who asked that you shoot the ball in his mouth so he might crap it out to the green... and many others. Unsettling, I tell you. halcyon7 would have loved this place.
Onward to drinking, of course. One bottle of Thin Mint Chocolate Cookie Liquor and a few gin and tonics later, and we're all feeling good, discussing the Black Crows lack of enunciation in their songs and AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds Dungarees". And what's up with The Cranberries doing a version of "Ironman"? Is that not the most incorrect pairing of musicians and music since the London Philharmonic did The Best of Jethro Tull?
Maybe it's just me.
Quote of the Day: "Africa uses the Ulunkulu Postal Service for all its deliveries." - chaosvizier
SATURDAY
For starters, food. After fizrep acquired tasteful Fat Albert jeans, we ate at a cheap and tasty hole in the wall diner that served outstanding biscuits and gravy. However, the proportions in which they were served were somewhat mismeasured, as each biscuit came with a bowl of gravy that could have served three biscuits. Larry ordered 5 biscuits and spent ten minutes attempting to convince the waitress that he did not, in fact, need five heaping bowls of gravy. His efforts were marginally successful; he ended up with four bowls. Progress of sorts. But, trooper that he was, he consumed every last bite. The waitress asked him "All finished there, Seabiscuit?" We say, neigh neigh.
Our second round of mini-golf proved that the sun makes us weak. Night's cloak gave us strength and skill the previous day, but the sun's radiant glory proved to be our undoing as Vanessa crushed us with her solar-powered abilities. Curse you, bright yellow ball of fissionables!
Then we get a message asking if we could be ushers/traffic directors for the wedding. No time like the last minute, we always say. Divided as we are, we can't get together in time, so off we rush to the place in two cars and two directions. Strangely enough, fizrep in the light speed car does not get there first, proving that Arizona somehow defies the laws of quantum physics. In fact, his party arrives about 3 minutes before the wedding starts. Instead I bake in the afternoon sun directing cars for almost an hour. Toasty. After nearly getting hit in the head with a hawk, I go back inside, there's a wedding (officiated by Judge Paul Simon, which gave rise to several Garfunkel jokes...), and we eat, drink, and make merry.
As a side point, Kevin has a sister. A hot younger sister. It makes him very aggravated when we make lewd suggestions to that effect. This, of course, prompts us to do so even more aggressively. Why? Because we have zero tact.
And so, with the official part of the vacation out of the way, we could get down to real partying. With booze. But that's a story for the next day...
SUNDAY
The power of huevos rancheros compelled fizrep for lunch. He's so simple sometimes.
Our mobile turbine then propelled us over the mountains and into the Desert Museum, which is a great place. Scenic, lots of wildlife, kind of like an open-area zoo and botanical garden. fizrep and I fed a deer. This is unusual, since in Jersey we usually prefer hitting the fuckers with cars. But this one ate right out of our hands. Trusting thing. Hopefully my pics of some of the highlights (including fizrep being attacked by a coyote) come out okay.
Quote of the Day: "Zut alors, I am covered in ze bees!" - Misc. French tourist
No spiders were seen during this time, lizature, although last time we went there, we saw no less than three big honking tarantulas, IN THE WILD. Big goddam spiders.
Evening led to food, rehydration, us passing out to Barenaked Ladies (the band, not the real thing), and then stargazing. Arizona has a fine night sky- cloudless, and minimal ambient light once you drive out a bit. Plus, the constellations are different at the lower longitude. I'd go all astronomy here, but that's boring. Point is, we saw pretty stars and marveled in the glory of mother nature's creations. fizrep wanted to go visit some of the stars in our rocket car, but I reminded him that the rental agreement expressly forbade interstellar travel. That would have been another $50 a day.
MONDAY
Waking up early is always lame, no matter what time zone you're in. Just saying.
Tucson Airport is also lame. It has several food establishments, none of which were ever open during the 3+ hours that we spent there this weekend. It's like they have a window of eating opportunity that lasts exactly 14 minutes, between two randomly selected flights throughout the day. Complete bullshit.
Flight number one was accompanied by a large-lunged baby concerto in A-sharp minor. I chose Option A: Bang my head against the window until unconsciousness set in. fizrep chose Option B: Watch the inflight movie, "Alex and Emma", in the hopes that it would bore the consciousness out of him. Both options were pretty lame. The plane descended as the inflight radio played Pink Floyd's "Learning to Fly". We felt that was in poor taste.
Flight number two was quicker and more to the point. Plus, it guest starred The Addams Family. And that's always good.
We landed in Newark, got our luggage, and went home. Several hours later, I woke up and went to work. Feh.
First things first: Happy belated birthday to ghostwriterxx, angledge, and Clayton (chrysoberyl, you can tell him that for me).
What, you might ask, could have happened in five days of travel? I know the question gnaws at you, and I am here to satisfy your curiosity. So read on in wonderment and awe, as my chilling tale unfolds before you!
THURSDAY
As an introductory note, it should be pointed out that this trip is to Tucson, Arizona, primarily for the purpose of seeing someone get married. That part comes much later in the story, and is relatively boring, as most weddings are.
In any event, at about 1:00 am Thursday morning, fizrep and I begin drinking. We feel this is a good start to any vacation, and we recommend it highly to all readers, unless you're under 21, of course, because that would be naughty. Although gin and tonics are a perennial favorite of ours, we have discovered the magic that is Thin Mint Chocolate Cookie Liquor.
Quote of the Day: "It's like Essence Of Girl Scout, in a bottle, with alcohol!" - chaosvizier
This magical concoction is put out by Just Desserts and is sweet and tasty. Mmmmm boy.
Our flight is at 5:30 am. Yes, that early. We opted not to sleep, but just drink our way through. A somewhat sleepy ebontigress deposited us off at Newark, and away we flew (after discovering that most airport bars are not open at 4:30 am; what a goddam shame). The flight to Atlanta was cramped but tolerable. The flight from Atlanta to Tucson was sheer unadulterated hell. The plane was nice- lots of leg room, we had an extra seat to sprawl in, all good things. But then we hear this raspy voice, a bastard hybrid of Eric Cartman, Rain Man, and someone who's smoked 50 packs a day for several decades, and the one word in its vocabulary is "Mommy". Now, far be it from me to be completely pitiless to the mentally handicapped, but on this day, this... thing drove away all semblance of mercy from my soul as it blathered on and on and on for four hours straight with nary a pause for breath. Blood trickled forth from my ears as I realized that pleasant dreams were not in my future. Murderous thoughts danced in my cerebellum, but somehow I maintained calmness and tact and waited through the ordeal, all the while begging for an engine malfunction that would plunge the plane into the earth and end my infernal torment. No such luck; we landed safely.
Tucson is hot. This is to be expected, as it is a desert. 'nuff said about that.
fizrep and I get our luggage and go rent a car. The aptly named Enterprise agency gives us a chassis with a warp drive attached. One faint tap of the accelerator launches us several thousand feet forward through four buildings. As Keanu Reeves has been known to say, "Whoah." The car reached speeds that exceeded human mathematics with incredible ease. With a bit more fine-tuning of the car's control scheme, we are actually able to travel backwards in time and get some extra sleep. This was good. Then we ate sushi (having discovered that the best place to get raw fish is clearly in the middle of a desert, as evidenced by the twelve billion sushi joints in the city), got to the hotel, and crashed.
Sushi Poem Of The Day:
"I don't mind eels
Except as meals
And the way they feels."
After watching Gangster Crabs on the Discovery Channel, we meet up with our friends Vanessa (living in Tucson), Larry and Moe (flew in from Ithaca), and Kevin (getting married, reason we're all there). Kevin had a bag of candy just sitting there on his kitchen table, and as he left the room, Vanessa, fizrep, and I pounced.
Quote of the Day: "Kit-Kats!" - "Reeses!" - "Almond Joy!" - "Mmmmmm..."
After dinner, Moe, Larry, and fizrep went out while I chose option B: pass the fuck out and sleep like the dead.
FRIDAY
The goal of the day was simple: Climb Mount Lemmon in search of pie. For those of you who are unaware of Tucsonian geography, Mt. Lemmon is a big honking mountain just north of the city. It's about 10000 feet high or some such jabber. Whatever. The point is, at the top of this mountain is a small residential community (or was, as I'll explain shortly), and one of the dining establishments there serves THE BEST PIE IN A 5000 MILE RADIUS. It's good pie. And, as I've mentioned before, I love pie. So we pile into our starship, get clearance from NASA, and 2.7 seconds later are at the top of the mountain dining on fine pie. We then take a hike along the mountain ridge, look down at pretty scenery, watch Larry almost drop his camera down a 1000 foot rockslide, and come back to find that the rangers gave our engine-with-wheels a ticket. Super-lame! Even lamer, it's a paltry $5 ticket. They'd have saved more money not going to the trouble of writing a ticket out for us. Cheap.
The mountain had also recently been devastated by a massive forest fire. It destroyed most of the houses in the community and a lot of the businesses as well. Thousands of acres of trees and earth scorched black. Death everywhere... except the pie place.
Quote of the Day: "It was like God went all Sodom and Gomorrah on this mountain. I SHALL CLEANSE THE EARTH WITH FIRE!!! - Ooooh, hold on there Gabriel. That's some good pie. They shall be spared." - fizrep
The five of us then descend upon another sushi restaurant and eat an UNGODLY amount of sushi. This restaurant fears us, and with good reason.
Sushi Poem Of The Day:
"When you swim in a creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's amore."
Quote of the Day: "Why would you put styrofoam balls in perfectly good pudding?" - Vanessa on tapioca
What better way to finish off an evening than Mini-Golf? Well, besides heavy drinking, which came shortly afterwards, I can't think of one offhand. So there we were, noticing that every obstacle and decoration in this golf course had a certain anal theme. The monkey's tail, swinging a bit too low... the bull's tail, equally misplaced... Buddha, who asked that you shoot a ball up his ass so that he might direct it into the hole... the alligator, who asked that you shoot the ball in his mouth so he might crap it out to the green... and many others. Unsettling, I tell you. halcyon7 would have loved this place.
Onward to drinking, of course. One bottle of Thin Mint Chocolate Cookie Liquor and a few gin and tonics later, and we're all feeling good, discussing the Black Crows lack of enunciation in their songs and AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds Dungarees". And what's up with The Cranberries doing a version of "Ironman"? Is that not the most incorrect pairing of musicians and music since the London Philharmonic did The Best of Jethro Tull?
Maybe it's just me.
Quote of the Day: "Africa uses the Ulunkulu Postal Service for all its deliveries." - chaosvizier
SATURDAY
For starters, food. After fizrep acquired tasteful Fat Albert jeans, we ate at a cheap and tasty hole in the wall diner that served outstanding biscuits and gravy. However, the proportions in which they were served were somewhat mismeasured, as each biscuit came with a bowl of gravy that could have served three biscuits. Larry ordered 5 biscuits and spent ten minutes attempting to convince the waitress that he did not, in fact, need five heaping bowls of gravy. His efforts were marginally successful; he ended up with four bowls. Progress of sorts. But, trooper that he was, he consumed every last bite. The waitress asked him "All finished there, Seabiscuit?" We say, neigh neigh.
Our second round of mini-golf proved that the sun makes us weak. Night's cloak gave us strength and skill the previous day, but the sun's radiant glory proved to be our undoing as Vanessa crushed us with her solar-powered abilities. Curse you, bright yellow ball of fissionables!
Then we get a message asking if we could be ushers/traffic directors for the wedding. No time like the last minute, we always say. Divided as we are, we can't get together in time, so off we rush to the place in two cars and two directions. Strangely enough, fizrep in the light speed car does not get there first, proving that Arizona somehow defies the laws of quantum physics. In fact, his party arrives about 3 minutes before the wedding starts. Instead I bake in the afternoon sun directing cars for almost an hour. Toasty. After nearly getting hit in the head with a hawk, I go back inside, there's a wedding (officiated by Judge Paul Simon, which gave rise to several Garfunkel jokes...), and we eat, drink, and make merry.
As a side point, Kevin has a sister. A hot younger sister. It makes him very aggravated when we make lewd suggestions to that effect. This, of course, prompts us to do so even more aggressively. Why? Because we have zero tact.
And so, with the official part of the vacation out of the way, we could get down to real partying. With booze. But that's a story for the next day...
SUNDAY
The power of huevos rancheros compelled fizrep for lunch. He's so simple sometimes.
Our mobile turbine then propelled us over the mountains and into the Desert Museum, which is a great place. Scenic, lots of wildlife, kind of like an open-area zoo and botanical garden. fizrep and I fed a deer. This is unusual, since in Jersey we usually prefer hitting the fuckers with cars. But this one ate right out of our hands. Trusting thing. Hopefully my pics of some of the highlights (including fizrep being attacked by a coyote) come out okay.
Quote of the Day: "Zut alors, I am covered in ze bees!" - Misc. French tourist
No spiders were seen during this time, lizature, although last time we went there, we saw no less than three big honking tarantulas, IN THE WILD. Big goddam spiders.
Evening led to food, rehydration, us passing out to Barenaked Ladies (the band, not the real thing), and then stargazing. Arizona has a fine night sky- cloudless, and minimal ambient light once you drive out a bit. Plus, the constellations are different at the lower longitude. I'd go all astronomy here, but that's boring. Point is, we saw pretty stars and marveled in the glory of mother nature's creations. fizrep wanted to go visit some of the stars in our rocket car, but I reminded him that the rental agreement expressly forbade interstellar travel. That would have been another $50 a day.
MONDAY
Waking up early is always lame, no matter what time zone you're in. Just saying.
Tucson Airport is also lame. It has several food establishments, none of which were ever open during the 3+ hours that we spent there this weekend. It's like they have a window of eating opportunity that lasts exactly 14 minutes, between two randomly selected flights throughout the day. Complete bullshit.
Flight number one was accompanied by a large-lunged baby concerto in A-sharp minor. I chose Option A: Bang my head against the window until unconsciousness set in. fizrep chose Option B: Watch the inflight movie, "Alex and Emma", in the hopes that it would bore the consciousness out of him. Both options were pretty lame. The plane descended as the inflight radio played Pink Floyd's "Learning to Fly". We felt that was in poor taste.
Flight number two was quicker and more to the point. Plus, it guest starred The Addams Family. And that's always good.
We landed in Newark, got our luggage, and went home. Several hours later, I woke up and went to work. Feh.