Movie Reviews: Star Wars VII: This One Goes To Eleven
Yes, I know. Everyone has seen the new Star Wars movie with Rey and Finn and Poe and Kylo Ben and all that stuff. It was fun filled and action packed. It's got a female action hero who will be a Jedi. They killed a major character. Wheeeee!
Is it a perfect movie? No. The plot is nearly a photocopy of Star Wars: A New Hope. Really, just a photocopy with some nice photoshopping done to make it look fancier. What do we have?
Opening: Bad Guys searching for stolen/missing plans, and they capture the Rebel, but the plans escape in a droid.
Next: Droid finds orphan living on desert world.
More: Orphan accidentally ends up chased by Bad Guys and goes into space on an adventure.
What? Orphan finds old mentor figure. Wacky hijinks follow.
Neat! Bad Guys have a superweapon and they're not afraid to use it. Also, they interrogate the captured Rebel.
Next: Orphan learns they can use The Force. Gets lightsaber. (It was your father's... or was it?)
Drama! Bad Guys blow up a planet. No wait, several planets. Gotta up the ante here. FUCK YEAH PLANETS
Plan: Let's go on a mission to blow up the superweapon.
Scooby: Everyone's sneaking around the superweapon and missing each other.
Death! Old Mentor Figure gets killed by Senior Bad Guy. Everyone has a sad.
Trench! A few fighter jets try to blow up a planet. It involves a trench.
Hero! Our hero uses The Force at the last moment to save herself and escape... but the Senior Bad Guy is still around for the next episode.
Let's be fair: This is a carbon copy. Period.
But you know what? I can accept this. I'm willing to go with the copy. I can suspend my disbelief and revel in the moment. I can enjoy the movie.
...
Except for one tiny part: Starkiller Base.
How does it function? It eats the energy from a nearby star and then turns that energy into an energy weapon that can shoot across light years and blow stuff up.
No. I can suspend my disbelief for laser pistols and light sabers and The Force and the original Death Star. I can't do it here.
The PLANET eats the SUN? Really?
And then it shoots its lasers across hyperspace to blow up planets. Fine, I'll allow that. But wait, they saw the planets blow up from Maz Kanata's bar. So the planets were close? I thought they were in totally different parts of the galaxy. This should not have been visible.
And did Starkiller then fly to another sun and eat that one so it could fire again?
Like I said, I can suspend a lot of disbelief. But this one is a tough pill to swallow.
Still, it's really the only major gripe I have with the film. It being a photocopy is fine. Everything else is ok. Just that.
Carry on; I'm just whining about science.
Is it a perfect movie? No. The plot is nearly a photocopy of Star Wars: A New Hope. Really, just a photocopy with some nice photoshopping done to make it look fancier. What do we have?
Opening: Bad Guys searching for stolen/missing plans, and they capture the Rebel, but the plans escape in a droid.
Next: Droid finds orphan living on desert world.
More: Orphan accidentally ends up chased by Bad Guys and goes into space on an adventure.
What? Orphan finds old mentor figure. Wacky hijinks follow.
Neat! Bad Guys have a superweapon and they're not afraid to use it. Also, they interrogate the captured Rebel.
Next: Orphan learns they can use The Force. Gets lightsaber. (It was your father's... or was it?)
Drama! Bad Guys blow up a planet. No wait, several planets. Gotta up the ante here. FUCK YEAH PLANETS
Plan: Let's go on a mission to blow up the superweapon.
Scooby: Everyone's sneaking around the superweapon and missing each other.
Death! Old Mentor Figure gets killed by Senior Bad Guy. Everyone has a sad.
Trench! A few fighter jets try to blow up a planet. It involves a trench.
Hero! Our hero uses The Force at the last moment to save herself and escape... but the Senior Bad Guy is still around for the next episode.
Let's be fair: This is a carbon copy. Period.
But you know what? I can accept this. I'm willing to go with the copy. I can suspend my disbelief and revel in the moment. I can enjoy the movie.
...
Except for one tiny part: Starkiller Base.
How does it function? It eats the energy from a nearby star and then turns that energy into an energy weapon that can shoot across light years and blow stuff up.
No. I can suspend my disbelief for laser pistols and light sabers and The Force and the original Death Star. I can't do it here.
The PLANET eats the SUN? Really?
And then it shoots its lasers across hyperspace to blow up planets. Fine, I'll allow that. But wait, they saw the planets blow up from Maz Kanata's bar. So the planets were close? I thought they were in totally different parts of the galaxy. This should not have been visible.
And did Starkiller then fly to another sun and eat that one so it could fire again?
Like I said, I can suspend a lot of disbelief. But this one is a tough pill to swallow.
Still, it's really the only major gripe I have with the film. It being a photocopy is fine. Everything else is ok. Just that.
Carry on; I'm just whining about science.