In Which I Lie About How Often I Will Post Next Year
Thanks to the unexpected but awesome resurgence of LJ users, and the subsequent acquisition of new friends, I feel the need to post another introduction. This will make me seem cool and amazing, which in turn will lead to crushing disappointment in six months when you learn that it's all a horrible sham and I'm really just a creepy hermit huddled under a blanket watching Voltron5.
This might get long and wordy and may have pictures, so here's a cut tag for convenience.
Part 1: "Let me explain...no, that will take too long. Let me sum up."
Name: Classified. Not really, I just like saying that. I also like saying Benedict Cumberbatch, not unlike a hundred million other people8.
Age: Somewhere between 40 and deceased. Probably closer to deceased, considering how horrible my eating habits are.
Mutant power: Pending. "Inappropriate humour" is, apparently, not a superpower.
Favourite colour: Blue. No, yelloooowwwaaaaaaaahhhhhyesofcoursethisjokeisoldasdirtalsotheanswerisprobablyblack
Favourite food: If it's loaded with fat, sugar, and chemicals, I'm probably going to love it. Really, it's a wonder I'm not dead right now. But for the sake of argument, let's go with sushi, because it is a tasty treat.
What's good: I like humour. Good jokes, bad jokes, one liners, puns, double entendres, whatever. I use them all like a three year old attacking a pinata: NO HOLDS BARRED.
What's bad: The Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons knocks on my door every time I fart. I REGRET NOTHING.
Part 2: "So tell me what you want, what you really really want."
I will talk about movies. This is because I like watching movies. Caveat: I like watching action adventure movies. If a movie won an Academy Award for Best Whateverthefuck1, I probably didn't see it because it was thunderously boring. If the Academy had an Award for "Most Bitching Action Scene Of The Year", then I would start paying attention. So, there I am watching The Expendables: Even More Action Stars and Transformers: Michael Bay Hates You All and Taken 16: Liam Neeson Beats The Crap Out Of Everyone In Kyrgyzstan For No Good Reason7, and I'm bringing all of you with me on this crazy ride. Sometimes my friends challenge me to watch something truly awful, and you'll learn all about that too.
I will talk about my job and funny/weird/interesting/amazing things that happen there. This is because, on occasion, funny/weird/interesting/amazing things do happen to me at my job. Do not under any circumstances assume that this makes me funny/weird/interesting/amazing. I'm all that on my own merits. ;-) If you want concrete proof, fine, this is pretty much the most amazing work day of all time for me; you can ignore all my subsequent work stories because they won't live up to this.
I will talk about travel, because on occasion I go places, and travel is pretty much my favorite thing ever. If I possessed a supreme amount of wealth, this journal would read like a travelogue of planet Earth2. Alas, I do not possess exactly that much wealth, so my trips are a bit more sporadic, and usually stem from work sending me places. In fact, if I live up to my posting resolution, my next few posts will talk about my visit to the island of Samoa. Hopefully I do exactly that.
I will probably not talk about anything serious. Politics, current events, major issues, deep thoughts, religion, all that jazz - not going to show up here. Rest assured, people better qualified than I will be talking about them all over the internet. Don't mistake this for apathy; I just want this space to be fun, lighthearted, and enjoyable9.
I will probably not talk about my personal life, because I'm as boring as a sloth doing Tai Chi4. Ok, fine, my work life is kinda personal, but that's different. Exception: I study martial arts, and occasionally I feel really good about something I did there, and so I might talk about that a little. But that's it. You guys really don't need to know that I spent 413 hours last night playing Civilization.
Part 3: "Leave a message after the beep."
Comment away! I love comments. I will respond to your comments. I will comment on your posts in return, much to your regret. I apologize in advance for all the comments I share with you.
Part 4: "And now for something completely different."
I know, I know: this post is TL;DR. So here's a picture to keep everyone happy:
Thank you, and good day!
1 Best Whateverthefuck 2016: Sharknado 1-5, because I'm jealous that I didn't come up with this idea first.
2 And space, if public access space travel became a reality. I would be first in line for frigging space.
3 Profit!
4 Because they're both slow, see? Slow x slow = slow2. Yeah, ok, this joke sucks, move on.
5 The lion one, not the other one.
6 Pod Six is jerks.
7 Shut up, you know you want to see it too.
8 See also, "The Penguins of Madagascar". The movie, not the TV show. Although the show is funny too.
9 Granted, what I want may differ from what actually happens. Guess we'll see soon enough!
This might get long and wordy and may have pictures, so here's a cut tag for convenience.
Part 1: "Let me explain...no, that will take too long. Let me sum up."
Name: Classified. Not really, I just like saying that. I also like saying Benedict Cumberbatch, not unlike a hundred million other people8.
Age: Somewhere between 40 and deceased. Probably closer to deceased, considering how horrible my eating habits are.
Mutant power: Pending. "Inappropriate humour" is, apparently, not a superpower.
Favourite colour: Blue. No, yelloooowwwaaaaaaaahhhhhyesofcoursethisjokeisoldasdirtalsotheanswerisprobablyblack
Favourite food: If it's loaded with fat, sugar, and chemicals, I'm probably going to love it. Really, it's a wonder I'm not dead right now. But for the sake of argument, let's go with sushi, because it is a tasty treat.
What's good: I like humour. Good jokes, bad jokes, one liners, puns, double entendres, whatever. I use them all like a three year old attacking a pinata: NO HOLDS BARRED.
What's bad: The Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons knocks on my door every time I fart. I REGRET NOTHING.
Part 2: "So tell me what you want, what you really really want."
I will talk about movies. This is because I like watching movies. Caveat: I like watching action adventure movies. If a movie won an Academy Award for Best Whateverthefuck1, I probably didn't see it because it was thunderously boring. If the Academy had an Award for "Most Bitching Action Scene Of The Year", then I would start paying attention. So, there I am watching The Expendables: Even More Action Stars and Transformers: Michael Bay Hates You All and Taken 16: Liam Neeson Beats The Crap Out Of Everyone In Kyrgyzstan For No Good Reason7, and I'm bringing all of you with me on this crazy ride. Sometimes my friends challenge me to watch something truly awful, and you'll learn all about that too.
I will talk about my job and funny/weird/interesting/amazing things that happen there. This is because, on occasion, funny/weird/interesting/amazing things do happen to me at my job. Do not under any circumstances assume that this makes me funny/weird/interesting/amazing. I'm all that on my own merits. ;-) If you want concrete proof, fine, this is pretty much the most amazing work day of all time for me; you can ignore all my subsequent work stories because they won't live up to this.
I will talk about travel, because on occasion I go places, and travel is pretty much my favorite thing ever. If I possessed a supreme amount of wealth, this journal would read like a travelogue of planet Earth2. Alas, I do not possess exactly that much wealth, so my trips are a bit more sporadic, and usually stem from work sending me places. In fact, if I live up to my posting resolution, my next few posts will talk about my visit to the island of Samoa. Hopefully I do exactly that.
I will probably not talk about anything serious. Politics, current events, major issues, deep thoughts, religion, all that jazz - not going to show up here. Rest assured, people better qualified than I will be talking about them all over the internet. Don't mistake this for apathy; I just want this space to be fun, lighthearted, and enjoyable9.
I will probably not talk about my personal life, because I'm as boring as a sloth doing Tai Chi4. Ok, fine, my work life is kinda personal, but that's different. Exception: I study martial arts, and occasionally I feel really good about something I did there, and so I might talk about that a little. But that's it. You guys really don't need to know that I spent 413 hours last night playing Civilization.
Part 3: "Leave a message after the beep."
Comment away! I love comments. I will respond to your comments. I will comment on your posts in return, much to your regret. I apologize in advance for all the comments I share with you.
Part 4: "And now for something completely different."
I know, I know: this post is TL;DR. So here's a picture to keep everyone happy:
Thank you, and good day!
1 Best Whateverthefuck 2016: Sharknado 1-5, because I'm jealous that I didn't come up with this idea first.
2 And space, if public access space travel became a reality. I would be first in line for frigging space.
3 Profit!
4 Because they're both slow, see? Slow x slow = slow2. Yeah, ok, this joke sucks, move on.
5 The lion one, not the other one.
6 Pod Six is jerks.
7 Shut up, you know you want to see it too.
8 See also, "The Penguins of Madagascar". The movie, not the TV show. Although the show is funny too.
9 Granted, what I want may differ from what actually happens. Guess we'll see soon enough!