Animals Are Cute!
I like animals. It's true. I don't really want a pet, and I must admit that animals are also tasty. But in general, animals are fun. I'm going to leave insects out of the general "animal" equation for the moment, because they can be real dicks sometimes. We'll focus on mammals, because they're fuzzy.
I also like roller coasters; however, that is only slightly related to this post. Six Flags Great Adventure is a big-ass theme park located in the center of New Jersey. It's got a lot of great coasters, it has the relatively new Hurricane Harbor waterpark annex, and it has the Wild Safari, in which you can take a leisurely drive through a vast expanse where wild animals roam and occasionally lick your car. Note that the lions and tigers do not roam. Note also that decades ago, the monkeys were permitted to roam, but after a few hundred thousand dollars worth of property damage, they got their own caged compound and were forbidden from greeting the tourists in their own unique fashion.
I like the safari park. Sure, it's a bit cheezy, the animals are accustomed to human vehicles passing through their space, and it's like a big zoo. And sure, I did spend some time on a real safari in Kenya, which is obviously about a million times huger and awesomer than this.
But wait! Six Flags does offer something a bit special: for a little extra, one of the park guides will take you out on a private tour of the safari, going off road and meeting and feeding some of the animals. This sounds cool, and granted, is something you can't do in Kenya, since everything there is out to kill you. So my wonderful partner in crime HG and I said, "Let's play with animals!" and there you have it.
We choose the early tour thinking that animals are a bit more active and lively earlier in the day, before the sun comes out in full force. We also, amazingly enough, choose a day with perfect weather. One day later and we would have been drowned out.
We hop into a jeep and our guide takes us on our way. First stop: delicious tasty fuzzy bison.
Not far from them, ducks with a fresh batch of baby ducklings. Ok, they're not mammals, but still, cute and fluffy.
And, not far from that, some kind of llama. Not a demon llama. WAAAAAH! LLAMA FACE!
We had buckets of munchies for some of the animals - yams, carrots, some fruit bits, some grains, and something called "monkey biscuits" which, ironically, were not for the monkeys. The llama was very interested in said biscuits.
You know who was more interested in these monkey biscuits? Elk. The following pictures are terrible because the elk were literally trying to climb into the car to get at the biscuits.
Needless to say, after this assault we were covered in elk slobber and grunge. Fortunately we dressed down for this occasion. And, to be fair, it was pretty damn funny.
We drove on past some other antelopes and things, and then towards the elephants. While we couldn't get close to them, the elephants were happy to open their enormous maws and let us throw food at them.
Nearby were some large rhinoceri and buffalo. The rhino is Mother Nature's version of the M1 Abrams Tank: big, heavy, and prone to fuck you up if it hits you head-on. However, as long as it's grazing and not bothered, it just doesn't care. Plus, horns are made of hair. Sometimes, Rhinos are less cool, but for the most part they just want to eat and relax.
Then we passed some more grazing types...
We then went up to the Large Animals pen. The Alpha Elephant was unavailable for commentary, but the Alpha Rhino posed for a snapshot.
We headed off after that to an enclosure in the middle of nowhere. As the jeep pulled in, I noticed our next batch of guests approaching, conditioned by the presence of humans in the enclosure: feeding time!
Five giraffes came over to see what we had to offer. Giraffes, as everyone knows, are very tall. Their heads are also a lot bigger up close. Their tongues are eighteen inches long. That has nothing to do with the following picture:
Feeding time was going pretty well, until...
...this guy cold-clocked me from the right. Concussion, giraffe style! MORE POW!
Once the giraffes realized we were out of munchies, they allowed us to leave, and we went and found another batch of some type of hungry hungry antelope.
This particular moocher was so eager for food that she chased our jeep for about 200 yards before finally giving up. That's gumption, right there.
Next on the tour: bears. Black bears and brown bears. Now, the black bears were fairly lazy...
...but the brown bears were willing to do whatever it took to get the grub. Apparently they have taught themselves to stand up on their rear legs and wave in order to attract attention.
Although, to be fair, some were still a bit lazy and just sat and waved for the food.
We passed through the Australian zone, but kangaroos, while funny, are fairly boring.
The tour then took its most dangerous turn as we approached the lion and tiger enclosures. The lion enclosure was primarily for young lions to grow up and be taken care of and so on. The three lions here were aged 14-18 months and were cute as pie.
How cute? Well, here's a video of the youngest of the three. Listen to him "growl". You just want to rub his belly, until you notice that his claws really have grown out nicely. And by nicely I think I mean sharpandstabbishly.
The eldest sibling was particularly interested in HG's hair...
...but I think she just wanted to eat me.
After a little time spent with cute baby lions, we moved on to the King Tiger. No, not that King Tiger. The male Siberian Tiger on display was fuzzy, and cute, and weighed 683 pounds. That's a lot of cute kitty.
You don't always appreciate how big these animals are until you get up close and personal with them. I mean, sure, you know that it's a big animal, like a very large dog, and more so, but then you notice that his noggin is about five times the size of a human head, and you really appreciate the difference. And the fact that he can kick your ass.
How do you conclude an awesome tour like this? Only one way possible: MONKEYS.
Throwing food over the electric fence to a horde of screaming monkeys and watching them scramble and fight and climb and look cute was comedy gold. Really, you can't go wrong with monkeys. You just can't.
And to conclude, HG and I each got a hollowed-out emu egg. Did I draw a sad face on mine and say "Cheer up, emo egg"? No... not yet.
I also like roller coasters; however, that is only slightly related to this post. Six Flags Great Adventure is a big-ass theme park located in the center of New Jersey. It's got a lot of great coasters, it has the relatively new Hurricane Harbor waterpark annex, and it has the Wild Safari, in which you can take a leisurely drive through a vast expanse where wild animals roam and occasionally lick your car. Note that the lions and tigers do not roam. Note also that decades ago, the monkeys were permitted to roam, but after a few hundred thousand dollars worth of property damage, they got their own caged compound and were forbidden from greeting the tourists in their own unique fashion.
I like the safari park. Sure, it's a bit cheezy, the animals are accustomed to human vehicles passing through their space, and it's like a big zoo. And sure, I did spend some time on a real safari in Kenya, which is obviously about a million times huger and awesomer than this.
But wait! Six Flags does offer something a bit special: for a little extra, one of the park guides will take you out on a private tour of the safari, going off road and meeting and feeding some of the animals. This sounds cool, and granted, is something you can't do in Kenya, since everything there is out to kill you. So my wonderful partner in crime HG and I said, "Let's play with animals!" and there you have it.
We choose the early tour thinking that animals are a bit more active and lively earlier in the day, before the sun comes out in full force. We also, amazingly enough, choose a day with perfect weather. One day later and we would have been drowned out.
We hop into a jeep and our guide takes us on our way. First stop: delicious tasty fuzzy bison.
Not far from them, ducks with a fresh batch of baby ducklings. Ok, they're not mammals, but still, cute and fluffy.
And, not far from that, some kind of llama. Not a demon llama. WAAAAAH! LLAMA FACE!
We had buckets of munchies for some of the animals - yams, carrots, some fruit bits, some grains, and something called "monkey biscuits" which, ironically, were not for the monkeys. The llama was very interested in said biscuits.
You know who was more interested in these monkey biscuits? Elk. The following pictures are terrible because the elk were literally trying to climb into the car to get at the biscuits.
Needless to say, after this assault we were covered in elk slobber and grunge. Fortunately we dressed down for this occasion. And, to be fair, it was pretty damn funny.
We drove on past some other antelopes and things, and then towards the elephants. While we couldn't get close to them, the elephants were happy to open their enormous maws and let us throw food at them.
Nearby were some large rhinoceri and buffalo. The rhino is Mother Nature's version of the M1 Abrams Tank: big, heavy, and prone to fuck you up if it hits you head-on. However, as long as it's grazing and not bothered, it just doesn't care. Plus, horns are made of hair. Sometimes, Rhinos are less cool, but for the most part they just want to eat and relax.
Then we passed some more grazing types...
We then went up to the Large Animals pen. The Alpha Elephant was unavailable for commentary, but the Alpha Rhino posed for a snapshot.
We headed off after that to an enclosure in the middle of nowhere. As the jeep pulled in, I noticed our next batch of guests approaching, conditioned by the presence of humans in the enclosure: feeding time!
Five giraffes came over to see what we had to offer. Giraffes, as everyone knows, are very tall. Their heads are also a lot bigger up close. Their tongues are eighteen inches long. That has nothing to do with the following picture:
Feeding time was going pretty well, until...
...this guy cold-clocked me from the right. Concussion, giraffe style! MORE POW!
Once the giraffes realized we were out of munchies, they allowed us to leave, and we went and found another batch of some type of hungry hungry antelope.
This particular moocher was so eager for food that she chased our jeep for about 200 yards before finally giving up. That's gumption, right there.
Next on the tour: bears. Black bears and brown bears. Now, the black bears were fairly lazy...
...but the brown bears were willing to do whatever it took to get the grub. Apparently they have taught themselves to stand up on their rear legs and wave in order to attract attention.
Although, to be fair, some were still a bit lazy and just sat and waved for the food.
We passed through the Australian zone, but kangaroos, while funny, are fairly boring.
The tour then took its most dangerous turn as we approached the lion and tiger enclosures. The lion enclosure was primarily for young lions to grow up and be taken care of and so on. The three lions here were aged 14-18 months and were cute as pie.
How cute? Well, here's a video of the youngest of the three. Listen to him "growl". You just want to rub his belly, until you notice that his claws really have grown out nicely. And by nicely I think I mean sharpandstabbishly.
The eldest sibling was particularly interested in HG's hair...
...but I think she just wanted to eat me.
After a little time spent with cute baby lions, we moved on to the King Tiger. No, not that King Tiger. The male Siberian Tiger on display was fuzzy, and cute, and weighed 683 pounds. That's a lot of cute kitty.
You don't always appreciate how big these animals are until you get up close and personal with them. I mean, sure, you know that it's a big animal, like a very large dog, and more so, but then you notice that his noggin is about five times the size of a human head, and you really appreciate the difference. And the fact that he can kick your ass.
How do you conclude an awesome tour like this? Only one way possible: MONKEYS.
Throwing food over the electric fence to a horde of screaming monkeys and watching them scramble and fight and climb and look cute was comedy gold. Really, you can't go wrong with monkeys. You just can't.
And to conclude, HG and I each got a hollowed-out emu egg. Did I draw a sad face on mine and say "Cheer up, emo egg"? No... not yet.