Some Movie Ideas Just Should Not Be
This post is dedicated to cheezdanish, who made mention of a terrible, terrible thing.
SETTING: An unidentified seashore. The sun is shining high in a clear blue sky. A boardwalk parallels the beach, a classic wooden array with arcade fronts as far as the eye can see. A boy is skipping along the boardwalk. He is ten, bald, with a big bushy moustache. He is wearing a tuxedo and walking a small white schnauzer.
Suddenly his path is blocked by three older boys. One of them is wearing a tall black top hat. Another has a pair of large worn leather boots. The third one, the tallest, speaks.
"Hey, kid. You know where you are?"
"I'm... on the boardwalk?"
"That's right. Our boardwalk. Our dads own this place, and that means you gotta pay to be here."
"Pay? But... I don't have any money! I can't pay!"
"Then we're just going to have to take something instead."
A cloud of altercation ensues. The boy is left standing in an undershirt and boxers, and the older boys have taken his fine tuxedo.
"You want to walk the boardwalk, you gotta pay the fee, kid. See you real soon!"
The boys hop into a nearby racecar and drive off down Park Place.
The young boy is crying, but then his face changes, and he gathers his courage.
"I'll get you for this. One day, you will pay me back! I will end your MONOPOLY!"
*DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNNNNN*
*CUE TITLE SCREEN AND OPENING CREDITS: MONOPOLY - THE MOVIE*
*25 YEARS LATER*
SETTING: A vast and crowded railway terminal. The hustle and bustle is everywhere. The loudspeaker announces "Short Line arriving from New York, track 6!"
As we zoom in on Track 6, we see a tuxedoed passenger disembark. From the back we can see that he is tall and distinguished, his tux immaculate, his gait quick and purposeful. A white schnauzer walks at his side.
He exits the terminal, and a black limousine is waiting. The chauffeur, Bil Nighy, has a door open.
"Good day, Mister M. Good to see you again."
We see Mister M from the front: Ben Kingsley, bald, with a big bushy moustache. "Thank you, Jeeves. Let's be off now."
The limousine departs. "Straight to your hotel, then, sir?"
"Let's see the new place first."
"Ah, the housing development on Oriental?"
"That's the one."
"It's a beauty, sir. I hear there are some fine offers coming in."
Mister M opens up a newspaper. The headline reads "Thimble Real Estate Bankrupt! - Enigmatic Tycoon Mister M Strikes Again". Mister M smiles.
"Another player off the grid. Only the big guns remain..." He flips through the paper, and other pictures appear: TopHat Industries, run by a dapper-looking Christian Bale. Leatherfoot Incorporated, owned by Eminem. And finally, Racer Unlimited, presided over by an angry-looking George C. Scott and his son, Topher Grace. Strangely, everyone has a bushy white moustache too.
"Vengeance, boys. It's time for a new chairman of the Boardwalk."
*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!*
SETTING: An unidentified seashore. The sun is shining high in a clear blue sky. A boardwalk parallels the beach, a classic wooden array with arcade fronts as far as the eye can see. A boy is skipping along the boardwalk. He is ten, bald, with a big bushy moustache. He is wearing a tuxedo and walking a small white schnauzer.
Suddenly his path is blocked by three older boys. One of them is wearing a tall black top hat. Another has a pair of large worn leather boots. The third one, the tallest, speaks.
"Hey, kid. You know where you are?"
"I'm... on the boardwalk?"
"That's right. Our boardwalk. Our dads own this place, and that means you gotta pay to be here."
"Pay? But... I don't have any money! I can't pay!"
"Then we're just going to have to take something instead."
A cloud of altercation ensues. The boy is left standing in an undershirt and boxers, and the older boys have taken his fine tuxedo.
"You want to walk the boardwalk, you gotta pay the fee, kid. See you real soon!"
The boys hop into a nearby racecar and drive off down Park Place.
The young boy is crying, but then his face changes, and he gathers his courage.
"I'll get you for this. One day, you will pay me back! I will end your MONOPOLY!"
*DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNNNNN*
*CUE TITLE SCREEN AND OPENING CREDITS: MONOPOLY - THE MOVIE*
*25 YEARS LATER*
SETTING: A vast and crowded railway terminal. The hustle and bustle is everywhere. The loudspeaker announces "Short Line arriving from New York, track 6!"
As we zoom in on Track 6, we see a tuxedoed passenger disembark. From the back we can see that he is tall and distinguished, his tux immaculate, his gait quick and purposeful. A white schnauzer walks at his side.
He exits the terminal, and a black limousine is waiting. The chauffeur, Bil Nighy, has a door open.
"Good day, Mister M. Good to see you again."
We see Mister M from the front: Ben Kingsley, bald, with a big bushy moustache. "Thank you, Jeeves. Let's be off now."
The limousine departs. "Straight to your hotel, then, sir?"
"Let's see the new place first."
"Ah, the housing development on Oriental?"
"That's the one."
"It's a beauty, sir. I hear there are some fine offers coming in."
Mister M opens up a newspaper. The headline reads "Thimble Real Estate Bankrupt! - Enigmatic Tycoon Mister M Strikes Again". Mister M smiles.
"Another player off the grid. Only the big guns remain..." He flips through the paper, and other pictures appear: TopHat Industries, run by a dapper-looking Christian Bale. Leatherfoot Incorporated, owned by Eminem. And finally, Racer Unlimited, presided over by an angry-looking George C. Scott and his son, Topher Grace. Strangely, everyone has a bushy white moustache too.
"Vengeance, boys. It's time for a new chairman of the Boardwalk."
*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!*