::sigh:: same as it ever was.
It is rough to wake up in the morning, and know that regardless of how hard you work, how great a job you do at EVERYTHING, how much love you have to give out, the only people who care are two guys that happen to share a suite with you. It would be great if I were gay, but I’m not, so the depression worsens.
I am not sleeping well. It takes forever to fall asleep, sometimes I don’t. The dreams are more intermittent, but still there. For the past few days I have woken up and smelled her on my nostrils. Don’t ask me how, and don’t ask me why. If I knew, I would stop. I also wake up pissed, and frustrated because of this. Woe to those like me that know the living nightmare of waking up angry, and knowing that that is the best you will feel all day. It is starting to take a toll on me. I am snapping at my friends, and just being an asshole.
The hurricane was tough for me, but not in the way it was for everyone else. I had to sit in the hallway and read for a while, all the while listening to a group of girls bitch about how there are no nice guys, and all they want is someone like that, ect. Then they talk about all the hook ups they had, and how they fizzled out because the guys were selfish jerks, ect. Even a football player stopped by to offer his words of wisdom. After a while, I finally got up the courage to go over there and talk with them. They basically ignored me, which is what I figured. I also found out that the girl I live next to and I really want to try and start something with is getting sex from someone else. No relationship, he just comes over and has sex with her.
I drank myself into a coma the other day. It usually happens, and I figured out why I drink to blacking out. It is to escape. Yes, I know it is one of the signs of alcoholism, but whatever. Sure I do stupid shit that the next day I regret, but for 10 hours, I am free. No memories of her flashing into my mind, no missing the body next to me in the night, that I squeeze, kiss, and say “I love you” to, no hearing her voice saying things like “I love you so much”, “You are perfect for me”, “I’ve never been happier”…
The fact is that she gave up on me. Things got hard, she saw that I wasn’t perfect, and instead trying to work things out, or waiting till at least the summer was over so we could have some heart to heart talks, she gave up. There was no “change or I will dump you” conversation, like she had with her new squeeze. There was nothing, She is all proud that this was the first time she “just ended it instead of letting it drag on”. Now she is with him, the drunk who makes her drink. She makes the bad call, and I have to deal with the sorrow. She doesn’t care, she still has someone to turn to in the night. She is up there now, with him I am sure, getting what she wants, while I am stuck here, with nothing but the memories.
I have always had a great memory, but this time it comes back to haunt me. I remember every detail of things I would like to forget. I remember what she wore when we first met, how we first talked, the part of Forrest Gump that was playing the first time she kissed me. I remember Disney, how we felt, what we did and saw. I remember our last night together on campus. I remember how thinking of her got me through Field Training. I remember the last we spent together as boyfriend and girlfriend, and how much passion I let go into her when we said good bye in the Indianapolis Airport.
I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.
I remember too much to find peace these days. I need to find someone else to put these feelings to rest, but finding someone new is about as likely as her coming back to me.
I am trying really hard not to get a completely jaded towards love, but it is hard when you keep hearing those things, keep having to hear those conversations, and keep waking up knowing that the day holds nothing for you.
I guess maybe the problem is that I have too much respect for women. I don't go up to them, because I dont' want to bother them, and I don't hit on them because I don't want to annoy them. I want to prove that I am different than all the other guys, and not use some cheap line to sucker them in, but no one appreciates the real things that I do to break the ice, like build them a chair, or help them move some stuff. And before you try and tell me that it isn't a problem, it is. It is because it interferes with my daily activities, and prevents me from enjoying myself. That is the definition of a problem.
I really am the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. I can’t be happy with what I got, and I can’t get what I need. I am stuck. Trapped, and it is driving me insane. It’s not my fault, but there is nothing I can do about it, save for waking up, and getting ready for the next drop kick to the face.
I am not sleeping well. It takes forever to fall asleep, sometimes I don’t. The dreams are more intermittent, but still there. For the past few days I have woken up and smelled her on my nostrils. Don’t ask me how, and don’t ask me why. If I knew, I would stop. I also wake up pissed, and frustrated because of this. Woe to those like me that know the living nightmare of waking up angry, and knowing that that is the best you will feel all day. It is starting to take a toll on me. I am snapping at my friends, and just being an asshole.
The hurricane was tough for me, but not in the way it was for everyone else. I had to sit in the hallway and read for a while, all the while listening to a group of girls bitch about how there are no nice guys, and all they want is someone like that, ect. Then they talk about all the hook ups they had, and how they fizzled out because the guys were selfish jerks, ect. Even a football player stopped by to offer his words of wisdom. After a while, I finally got up the courage to go over there and talk with them. They basically ignored me, which is what I figured. I also found out that the girl I live next to and I really want to try and start something with is getting sex from someone else. No relationship, he just comes over and has sex with her.
I drank myself into a coma the other day. It usually happens, and I figured out why I drink to blacking out. It is to escape. Yes, I know it is one of the signs of alcoholism, but whatever. Sure I do stupid shit that the next day I regret, but for 10 hours, I am free. No memories of her flashing into my mind, no missing the body next to me in the night, that I squeeze, kiss, and say “I love you” to, no hearing her voice saying things like “I love you so much”, “You are perfect for me”, “I’ve never been happier”…
The fact is that she gave up on me. Things got hard, she saw that I wasn’t perfect, and instead trying to work things out, or waiting till at least the summer was over so we could have some heart to heart talks, she gave up. There was no “change or I will dump you” conversation, like she had with her new squeeze. There was nothing, She is all proud that this was the first time she “just ended it instead of letting it drag on”. Now she is with him, the drunk who makes her drink. She makes the bad call, and I have to deal with the sorrow. She doesn’t care, she still has someone to turn to in the night. She is up there now, with him I am sure, getting what she wants, while I am stuck here, with nothing but the memories.
I have always had a great memory, but this time it comes back to haunt me. I remember every detail of things I would like to forget. I remember what she wore when we first met, how we first talked, the part of Forrest Gump that was playing the first time she kissed me. I remember Disney, how we felt, what we did and saw. I remember our last night together on campus. I remember how thinking of her got me through Field Training. I remember the last we spent together as boyfriend and girlfriend, and how much passion I let go into her when we said good bye in the Indianapolis Airport.
I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.
I remember too much to find peace these days. I need to find someone else to put these feelings to rest, but finding someone new is about as likely as her coming back to me.
I am trying really hard not to get a completely jaded towards love, but it is hard when you keep hearing those things, keep having to hear those conversations, and keep waking up knowing that the day holds nothing for you.
I guess maybe the problem is that I have too much respect for women. I don't go up to them, because I dont' want to bother them, and I don't hit on them because I don't want to annoy them. I want to prove that I am different than all the other guys, and not use some cheap line to sucker them in, but no one appreciates the real things that I do to break the ice, like build them a chair, or help them move some stuff. And before you try and tell me that it isn't a problem, it is. It is because it interferes with my daily activities, and prevents me from enjoying myself. That is the definition of a problem.
I really am the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. I can’t be happy with what I got, and I can’t get what I need. I am stuck. Trapped, and it is driving me insane. It’s not my fault, but there is nothing I can do about it, save for waking up, and getting ready for the next drop kick to the face.