Personality traits and Core Values
The question was asked, “What personality traits are good for a submissive to have?” Kitten, the author on Soulshaven suggests Honesty, Humility, Kindness, Patience and a sense of Adventure. Those are good answers and apparently what her Dominant expects out of her. Those traits would be equally good for a Dominant to have. I think the correct answer, though, is that each D/s relationship would need to match Core Values. My core values are: Balance, Connection, Kindness, Learning, Teaching, and Tolerance. I would want to find a Dom who would respect these in dealing with me.
Balance - I want my life to be balanced with a wide variety of interests. Keeping a good home is important. Getting out and having fun is important. Socializing is important. Retreating and reflection are good too. Study, work, family time, play, pray and be well rounded. When I have the most struggles is when I forget to pay attention to one of these aspects of my life. I would want my Dom to at least respect that I find being balanced in my life very important.
Connection - I want to feel connected to the people I interact with. When I don’t feel a connection, the interaction holds less meaning and is less of a priority with me. For instance, if my kid is having a big birthday party, I will attend because I feel very connected to her but if a mere acquaintance is having a party I probably won’t prioritize that one. If it’s convenient for me to attend, I might or might not go, depending on my mood. For my kid’s big birthday party, I would make an extra effort to attend even if it were inconvenient for me. I don’t put as much effort into strengthening the relationships I have with people I don’t feel connected to. As far as being a submissive goes, in order for me to submit to a Dom, I need to feel that connection, that need to be around Him, that desire to continue to connect and learn about each other.
Kindness - I value kindness whether it is shown to me or to friends or to strangers. I try to always be kind unless being kind will be unhealthy for me. Sometimes I have to give bad news or have an unpleasant conversation with someone but I still strive to keep the conversation kind. The hardest time to be kind is when you disagree with another person’s opinion or actions but feel the need to explain that you do. For instance, a friend chews tobacco and it truly disgusts me. I want to gag every time I see him spit into an empty beer bottle. I was direct when I told him in private, “I know you like chewing but when you have to spit, it makes me very uncomfortable. Could you turn away from me when you do so?” It was a kind compromise and my tone of voice was pleasant not harpish. He, in turn, responded with the kindness of doing as I asked and no longer spits in my presence. Because I feel the need to be kind, I expect my Dom to also value kindness. If He shows inappropriate rudeness and unkindness to other people he interacts with (think waitress, shop keeper, another driver on the road) then he will at some time also find a way to be unkind to me. I don’t need that.
Learning and Teaching - these values really go together. It is important to me to keep learning and in turn to teach someone something so they can keep learning. I had an acquaintance sort of belittle me for always taking workshops when I can fit them into my schedule and that is when I realized that while Learning and Teaching may be my core values, they were not his. Nothing wrong with being different but I would want someone in a close relationship with me to have a similar interest or respect for learning and teaching. My old Dom totally understands these values that I have and still encourages me to make baby steps in learning and growing in BDSM as well as in my career. A recent potential Dom did not understand or respect my values and would belittle me for taking “yet another dumb workshop”.
Tolerance - I have recently grown to understand that while I feel the need to tolerate different types of people, different activities, and different political positions, I don’t need to necessarily agree with those people, activities or positions. To me, this tolerance means allowing them to be or do or think whatever they want to think without trying to change them or damage them or mistreat them. Of course, I still need to protect myself. If Person X makes me feel uncomfortable or has the potential of triggering me, I have a duty to myself to avoid that person. In this, I mean that they have made me uncomfortable with their actions or the voicing of their opinions. People who joke about beating animals are not allowed around my animals. People who swing baseball bats in anger at walls are left alone. Sure, that person has a right to joke, and that person has a right to swing a bat, but I also have a right to be concerned that the joke will turn into animal abuse and the person with the anger problem might turn their wrath towards me. I can tolerate these people but I do not need to associate with them. I can also tell them straight out that their actions make me uncomfortable. Believe me, people who have offended me, have been told in no uncertain terms. Does this mean I do not tolerate their actions? No, I tolerate them but don’t have to condone them. In a Dom, this would mean that this person would not be a good match for me. They can do their thing but not around me.
Because I value these traits, I feel valued as a person when I meet and interact with people who also value these traits. It is important to me to start from the same base as my Dom rather than always having to figure out where he is coming from and wonder why my actions were misread. If you understand that these traits are of value to me, then it will be easier for you to understand my position on any disagreement or challenge we might have. While one personality trait may be important and desired by one Dom, another Dom with different values will prefer other personality traits. It really depends on the Dom's core values and it is best if the Doms and the submissives core values either match up or are at least, complimentary.
Balance - I want my life to be balanced with a wide variety of interests. Keeping a good home is important. Getting out and having fun is important. Socializing is important. Retreating and reflection are good too. Study, work, family time, play, pray and be well rounded. When I have the most struggles is when I forget to pay attention to one of these aspects of my life. I would want my Dom to at least respect that I find being balanced in my life very important.
Connection - I want to feel connected to the people I interact with. When I don’t feel a connection, the interaction holds less meaning and is less of a priority with me. For instance, if my kid is having a big birthday party, I will attend because I feel very connected to her but if a mere acquaintance is having a party I probably won’t prioritize that one. If it’s convenient for me to attend, I might or might not go, depending on my mood. For my kid’s big birthday party, I would make an extra effort to attend even if it were inconvenient for me. I don’t put as much effort into strengthening the relationships I have with people I don’t feel connected to. As far as being a submissive goes, in order for me to submit to a Dom, I need to feel that connection, that need to be around Him, that desire to continue to connect and learn about each other.
Kindness - I value kindness whether it is shown to me or to friends or to strangers. I try to always be kind unless being kind will be unhealthy for me. Sometimes I have to give bad news or have an unpleasant conversation with someone but I still strive to keep the conversation kind. The hardest time to be kind is when you disagree with another person’s opinion or actions but feel the need to explain that you do. For instance, a friend chews tobacco and it truly disgusts me. I want to gag every time I see him spit into an empty beer bottle. I was direct when I told him in private, “I know you like chewing but when you have to spit, it makes me very uncomfortable. Could you turn away from me when you do so?” It was a kind compromise and my tone of voice was pleasant not harpish. He, in turn, responded with the kindness of doing as I asked and no longer spits in my presence. Because I feel the need to be kind, I expect my Dom to also value kindness. If He shows inappropriate rudeness and unkindness to other people he interacts with (think waitress, shop keeper, another driver on the road) then he will at some time also find a way to be unkind to me. I don’t need that.
Learning and Teaching - these values really go together. It is important to me to keep learning and in turn to teach someone something so they can keep learning. I had an acquaintance sort of belittle me for always taking workshops when I can fit them into my schedule and that is when I realized that while Learning and Teaching may be my core values, they were not his. Nothing wrong with being different but I would want someone in a close relationship with me to have a similar interest or respect for learning and teaching. My old Dom totally understands these values that I have and still encourages me to make baby steps in learning and growing in BDSM as well as in my career. A recent potential Dom did not understand or respect my values and would belittle me for taking “yet another dumb workshop”.
Tolerance - I have recently grown to understand that while I feel the need to tolerate different types of people, different activities, and different political positions, I don’t need to necessarily agree with those people, activities or positions. To me, this tolerance means allowing them to be or do or think whatever they want to think without trying to change them or damage them or mistreat them. Of course, I still need to protect myself. If Person X makes me feel uncomfortable or has the potential of triggering me, I have a duty to myself to avoid that person. In this, I mean that they have made me uncomfortable with their actions or the voicing of their opinions. People who joke about beating animals are not allowed around my animals. People who swing baseball bats in anger at walls are left alone. Sure, that person has a right to joke, and that person has a right to swing a bat, but I also have a right to be concerned that the joke will turn into animal abuse and the person with the anger problem might turn their wrath towards me. I can tolerate these people but I do not need to associate with them. I can also tell them straight out that their actions make me uncomfortable. Believe me, people who have offended me, have been told in no uncertain terms. Does this mean I do not tolerate their actions? No, I tolerate them but don’t have to condone them. In a Dom, this would mean that this person would not be a good match for me. They can do their thing but not around me.
Because I value these traits, I feel valued as a person when I meet and interact with people who also value these traits. It is important to me to start from the same base as my Dom rather than always having to figure out where he is coming from and wonder why my actions were misread. If you understand that these traits are of value to me, then it will be easier for you to understand my position on any disagreement or challenge we might have. While one personality trait may be important and desired by one Dom, another Dom with different values will prefer other personality traits. It really depends on the Dom's core values and it is best if the Doms and the submissives core values either match up or are at least, complimentary.