Journal
Gratitude I am grateful for having finally found people I don’t feel weird around.
Physical I have showered, done my meds and have laid out my foot-love and lotion for my new Sunday ritual.
Social Yesterday I got a lot of social time. Today I will not. Yesterday I went to the fire. There were six students so it was a nice small group and had lots of good information to share.
Emotional/Mental Today for my mental and emotional health, I have a Stephen King book, the movie Billy Jack and of course my games of Solitaire, Sets and Mahjong. I also just pulled out the macramé bell string and so far have tied one knot on it today .
Lifestyle I made the bed, I scrubbed the bath tub some and I took my coffee cup and glass into the sink. Here at work, I cleaned off my desk so I could spread my “alter”.
Spiritual I feel bad about not going to church with my son since it was Youth Sunday but I just don’t want to be part of that church any more, besides, I would have had to leave for work mid-service. Today I laid out a scarf and a few items of beauty or comfort: a cedar cone, a burl bowl, a macramé necklace my daughter used to wear, a sequined flower, a origami star my son folded, one of the cotton flowers from the cotton a friend gave me, a silly bobble-head turtle I got when I went to Mexico with my dad, a glass humming bird whose stick has gotten too short to use in a plant as decoration but was made by an old boyfriend, a wooden boat my brother-in-law carved when he still loved me, the wooden flute I bought unfinished in Utah with the kids at an Indian museum and that Pop shaped and finished for me, a glitter spider my friend gave me for Halloween. I also have the novel I am reading, the book I will watch later and a potpourri wax melting pot that is smelling really good. Earlier I had out the foot love, the lotion and the emery board and took care of my feet and shoulders.
Affirmation I am centered and focused (and it has a picture of a woman doing yoga, which is very appropriate for today).
Mood/Hope score 8/8/70% I thought I was functioning much better but Friday I totally forgot my Physical Therapy appointment and even had my leg in an ice pack at home during that hour. That should have helped me remember!
Horoscope Your spirits are high, but others might take your attitude as somewhat belligerent. Let them know that you're just having a good time and try to make sure that they see the real you.
It is Sunday so my spirit is not exactly “high” but it is definitely not low. This is actually a good day of self-care time.
A friend, in his note to me the other day, said that he had backed off because he seemed to be a “carcinogenic crutch” to me. In a manner that is true. At the time, he was having me work on my friends filtering list and it was hard because so many of the people I really worked on having time for, were bad for me and thus, being phased out until finally, I really only had his friendship and a few acquaintances to work with locally. And so, I relied on him for my emotional and mental and social support. I need to focus on relying on myself for the first two. For social support then, of course I was using my munch friends for social support but he was the main person in my life and I focused much too much on him. Friday I spent a few hours at another friends place drinking and talking and eventually making out a little bit. But I left early and was home by 9pm. Saturday I spent primarily with yet another friend, though he also topped another woman and snuggled with her quite a bit too. While one on one man time should not be considered “social” it actually does feed that social need of mine. The other day, when given the option to had dinner alone with one friend or head over to Kareoke Burlesque where people were waiting for me, I chose that one friend. He really pays attention to me, at least, when we are together in person. He doesn’t pay attention to me remotely.
R had me over Friday so he could get drunk and bad mouth the women in his life but instead he told me about his anger switch and how it got him into prison 27 years ago and how he is usually just joking and fun but it triggered in a minor way the other day and his son was in the car with him. It’s got him troubled. He was supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist but I found out that he never even attended the first session. I don’t really know what to do other than continue to encourage him to see a counselor of some sort. Well, and being there for him to blow off steam to some times. I sat on the couch and he was in his recliner talking for a number of hours. He had mentioned making me dinner when he originally invited me over but when I pushed for it, he nuked some leftover turkey for me and opened himself a bag of chips. LOL, what a bachelor. He cooks well, actually, but he was already drunk and not in the cooking mood. He’s not doing well. I need to keep a check on him.
J asked me today via text, “Still happy you dumped me?” and I just replied, “oh honey.” But then a bit later he approached the subject again on yahoo. Yes. I am still happy that I dumped him. We don’t match right. Yes, I enjoyed his company but he is at a different time in his life. He has different challenges and interests. I looked thru my friends list again the other night and he isn’t even close to the 17 out of 25 cut off that I have self -imposed. Just looked again, he scores an 8…and I kept him around for a year and a half? Crazy! A dear man but not what I need or look for. I hate that I hurt him when I ended the relationship.
One thing I do like about my Solitary Sunday’s is that I don’t feel obligated to wear makeup since the only person I see will be the security guard at the gate. I feel it’s good for my face rest from makeup. I used to never wear makeup. I would maybe put lip gloss on. One time, I asked an older woman how she kept her skin so clear and healthy looking and she said that she always wears foundation and treats it like a special protectant against the elements. Shortly after that, I fell in love with Mary Kay makeup and I really do have beautiful, healthy looking skin. But regardless, Sundays without makeup feel nice. Since it is foot love and lotion day, maybe I should add heavy facial moisturizer day.
I have taken down my alter and put away the various items and have put the scarf around my shoulders like a shawl. It is dark in here except for the emergency lights, my computer screens and a desk lamp by which I read, off and on, The Green Mile by Stephen King. It’s a good tale. It’s about a kind giant who snaps and rapes and murders two 9 year old girls and then his time in prison. I have read the story before except in the long version, I think, or seen the movie.
Here is some from my Life Interview writing:
Life Events - Adulthood
Did you go to university or college? How did you decide what you wanted to study?
I graduated High School at 17 (could have at 16) and went on to a local community college to get my basic classes out of the way. Because I was unsure that I would actually follow thru and get my Bachelors, I went ahead and did a two year program that would give me an Associate of Arts degree. Back then, an AA was much better than nothing but now it’s pretty much the same as nothing. After two years at the community college, I transferred to California State University at Sacramento and only completed one year before quitting and following my new husband out to New York where he was stationed for C school. The following year, we were back in California and I tried to pick up where I had left off and attend CSU at Long Beach but was told they would not accept me as a senior and I would need to repeat most of the classes I had taken as a junior. That made me angry and I knew they were just after my money so I basically said, “Screw You.” And ended up screwing myself by trying to make it without a Bachelors. I have made it but it’s been much more difficult than it would have been if I had finished my Bachelors.
Did you serve in the military? What did you do and what kind of experience was it?
I did not serve in the military. I was seriously considering it the summer after high school but then I got a late notice of receiving a tuition paid scholarship for 4 years at any California State University. Since my sister had received the same scholarship a couple years before and had done her core classes at the local community college first, I decided to do the same thing and first go to Shasta College and then on to CSUS. During the summer following my third year of college (which was my first and only one at CSUS), I met Mark and promptly feel in lust then in love and married him after a very fast whirlwind romance. He was in the military and I followed his career these many years. At that time he was in the dance band and trained boots at the Coast Guard Training Center in Alameda, CA. I followed him to his A school in NY shortly after our wedding and dropped out of college fully intending to go back and finish once he settled for a year or two somewhere. That didn’t end up happening. He eventually got stationed on a cutter in Long Beach, CA and the college there would not transfer me as a senior and insisted I retake all the classes I had taken the previous year at CSUS. The year on the ship was very difficult for me. We were newlyweds but I barely saw him. He would be in port for a week or two then out for anywhere from 1 to 6 weeks. That first year of ship duty, he was on board 284 days with the remaining ones actually in port and home unless he had duty that day. It was difficult. He got out of the Coast Guard eventually and did a year as a reservist for Army National Guard. That was a total waste of his time and he dropped out. Then about 7 years later Desert Storm happened and he re-enlisted. The Coast Guard was still under Dept of Trans so did not need him but Navy Reserves did so he joined that and it’s been a wonderful career. I jokingly call it his paying vacation. He got to visit the world and yet spend much of his time at home being a civilian. He did three deployments which were hard and will retire Feb. 2012. While I was “never in the military” I definitely feel part of the military. I did my service as a Navy wife and mother.