Journal
GratitudeI am grateful for the frost that was still on the periwinkle leaves at noon when I came into work today.PhysicalDid all the regular hygiene stuff, shower, shave, meds, deodorant, makeup. I am also taking pain medicine today, just Aleve, nothing major but my knee hurts and I want to walk without a limp and there is no reason to sit in pain all day long. I truly do not want further surgery. I want to recover with just more physical therapy. SocialOnce again, I will have very little social time today. I will get a small amount with coworkers before they leave at 6pm and might strike up a yahoo conversation with someone tonight while I am isolated.Emotional/MentalI will finish that book tonight. It really is a spellbinder. Stephen King is such a good writer. I also have a couple movies that I might watch; Sherlock Holmes and Burlesque. I have changed the angle of my desk and my monitor is now more visible so I will hold off playing games until it’s quieter in the office. I will write some more from the Life Interview writing stuff, I find it pretty comforting to write my history.LifestyleWell, once again, I did very few chores when I was waking up before work this morning. I did get the toilet scrubbed but totally left that pile of laundry on the living room chair and the dirty dishes in the sink. On my 12 hour work days, I just have no energy to do that kind of stuff. I do have a few things in my desk that can be recycled so maybe I will take care of that later. Also I do have a phone call to health insurance that I need to make.SpiritualAfter yesterday’s spiritual time with my mini-alter, I feel so cleansed and happy it’s amazing. I won’t do the entire alter thing tonight but will do one of the meditations and run thru my
Self-affirmation presentation.AffirmationI attract only healthy relationships. (not actually true currently but am working on this.)Mood/Hope score8/8/80%Horoscope Duties and obligations seem burdensome or at least emotionally restricting to you, and you may feel self-pity or temporarily down in the dumps. You are not in a sociable, gregarious mood no matter what surroundings you find yourself in.
Horoscope commentWell work and home chores have seemed incredibly difficult since my mental crash in August how every, as noted above, I really do feel like I am operating at 80% GAF which is damned good considering. Yes, I do feel a bit of self-pity today but I will be fine. I’m just sitting like a mouse at work pretending to be my normal, happy, productive self.
I decided to start posting my journal to Livejournal. Previously, I had just been saving it to my desktop, to my flash drive and emailing to my old boyfriend via a shared email account. He peeks in about once or twice a week depending on his schedule and only comments if he sees I am really struggling with something. I like knowing that he still checks in. I haven’t been posting to livejournal because my daughters used to check it and I have changed so much that I didn’t care to share with them. But they are adults now with their own lives and not so interested in what Mom is up to anymore, thank goodness J. The hardest part here will be that I need to remove names on Livejournal and yet, should not, on the personal one and the one shared with old BF. I think I will write with the names, and try to remember to bold them so that when I edit it for Livejournal they will be easier to find and edit out.
I need to write an email to T. He has asked me again to play and I said yes, either at Twisted or at Red Cheeks but now, its that week and I have no plans of going to either party. I will be playing at the Wednesday munch private party, then doing a vanilla holiday gathering on Thursday, family time on Friday most likely then Saturday I have a negotiations class and a party out at the shop. I keep missing the curvies events out at the shop so really want to make it there. But the reason that I need to write him is not just to tell him that I will not be attending either party. It had been my intention, since he has pushed boundaries improperly both times we have played in the past, to have a spotter nearby who would be part of the negotiation and would interrupt the scene if he tried pushing boundaries. Well, the three tops who I asked to be spotters have all said, “Just say no and don’t play with him.” That’s pretty harsh but gawd, if bottoms are avoiding him and tops are refusing to spot for him, well crap, he will be pushed to newbies who don’t know better. I would rather he be corrected and learn from his mistakes. When I brought it up via chat (I kept the text) he said that he felt he was just allowing the play to flow, but really there is a big difference between rope and knives and spanking and whipping. He should know better. But he doesn’t and that means he is not safe. Other bottoms I have talked to have mentioned times when knives fell near their feet or when a clasp on his gear broke and endangered them. Yeah, not cool. JD told me Saturday, when we were discussing the situation, that he would be willing to address the subject with him and help him understand the error of his ways and I might have him do that in addition to my sending him an email.
I offered a midnight stop to give D a backrub last night. He didn’t text back. He never texts a negative reply. Sometimes that really bothers me. I can’t expect him to change his habits for me. He just isn’t much of a texter. I would have been happy to stop. It feels good to lay hands on people. I may have to top some at the party Wednesday to get that need out of my system this week. Since he has a bad back, he is an easy person to approach because he rarely turns that down. It really got damaged during a car wreck he was in last year. Actually that’s what brought me over to his place the first time, I had offered to massage his back. I like this community in that when you offer something, they understand that what you offered is what you offered not more. In the vanilla world, offering a massage is actually offering a massage with a happy ending. I like our way so much better. Negotiate things in BEFORE the action starts.