(no subject)
Everything was divine when I saw her. The connection we have is real, it must be. We parted without tears this time, deliberately. It was her idea. Finally, a bit of optimism from her side. Constantly carrying that torch has been taxing...She gets bored on the phone with me; she never wanted to stop tallking to me before. I tried to explain that it was natural for that to happen, but i don't know if i got through. It's not about being tired of that person, its about knowing that person is going to be there to talk for life. Its about permanance. When we talked early on it was a struggle for me. She rarely said anything more than two words long yet never wanted to stop. Now she's more loquatious which is a relief. But she gets quiet and terse, and i worry. I worry that she's worried, because when she has doubts i don't know what she'll do. Last night we only talked for ten minutes, rather i futily attempted to get a response out of her for ten minutes and she remained monosyllabic. I hate being far apart. I never know what the hell she's doing, and when things are rough for us my mind is going to take me on the logical path of prior behavior, and that doesn't bode well. What am i even doing? No one will read this, and i guess i wanted it that way. Sometimes i get the feeling she doesn't even care. What if she grows callous towards me? I've seen her that way before and its fucking brutal. Fucking brutal to have the person you love so ravenously dismiss you for a nuisance. Shit, i can't do anything. So I continue on the way I have been putting all my hope into love, fearing another breakdown, another lie, another bomb...I contemplete turning the tables on her, knowing I never will. But part of me wants to say, hey its your turn to fight to keep me around, your turn to carry the weight, the baggage i carry on my back without complaint every damn day. I have every right to be angry, to distrust her, to call it quits. But I love her. its that simple. Love lets me look past things, lets me forgive...thats enough for now, im spent