Beat
Title: Beating of the drum keeps the rhythm of my heart
Series: Finding
Author: ceslas
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Post-BDM , after Aftermath, before Five Kisses
Characters: Jayne/River, crew
Disclaimer: Firefly owns me, I own words
Notes: Sometimes beats take more time than you think. A prompt from
bookaddict43 : Beat. Continues from Firefly 100 drabbles and Jayne Dancing.
Concrit is like air; only miss it when it isn't there.
All Jayne/River stories are in the same storyline, even if seen out of order...
Organizational Post
Beat…follows Skin/Jayne Dancing
Painting black that which tries to light in her heart. Shut out, repulsed. She dances to music no one hears. Feet marking rhythms in the dark corridors and open caverns of Serenity. A breath of light brushes against her senses when sleep fades in to take him. And then the madness of destruction overwhelms her, forcing her to flee in horror from the night terrors that haunt his dreams.
~*~ ~*~
Jayne had come pounding in to the infirmary with her, blood staining his hands. There was a wildness in his eyes that scared Simon enough to slow his usual efficient response. The bullet had taken a circuitous path through her body, entering at the shoulder, ricocheting off bone and traveling down and then back up, lodging against her collar bone before stopping. The internal bleeding had nearly overwhelmed her body’s ability to respond.
Feng li girl hadn’t ducked when the firefight began, hadn’t responded to his bellowed command to drop. When she spun back from the force of the bullet, collided with him and breathed out a cry, he wrenched her behind himself, shielded her form with his. Each bullet fired beat back an attacker; each bullet fired sang a song in his ears. A harmony to the dissonance of her whimpers.
Running, feet pounding the hard sand, breath coming hard and strong. He ran, intent on reaching safety before death caught them. Caught her. He felt his grip tighten, the glaze of death settled over his features. She was limp, was no longer feeling. He sensed her life trickling past his rigid grasp. He warred with himself, wanting to feel the last of a life crushed by his bare hands and screaming “No!”. Each footfall marked by an uttered “No…No…No…No..” the beat of his heart matching the fall of his feet, the breath rushing in.
The big merc stayed nearby for the hours of surgery it required to repair the damage done and remove the bullet. Fortunately he had merely grunted in assent when Simon requested that he supply his sister with blood. A line of red connected the two, reversed from its usual path. Jayne sat quietly, uncharacteristically silent and amenable. His eyes were shuttered and blank.
Crimson ribbon trailed to join life with life. He felt the sting of the needle, the slight pull of vacuum draining the richness of iron and ore from him. He could hear the rush of the flow, the pulsing of each heartbeat. His was slow and strong, hers thready, irregular. He bristled at the feeling. Ursine protectiveness warred with inanimate anger.
He watched the Doc work, watched his steady hand and sure fingers pry open the girl’s body. Small incisions, red welling up past the scalpel. Jayne could smell the tang of blood, the bitter sweat from Mal and Simon mingling with her more sweet scent. He crinkled his nose, filtered past all the smells, found the undertone of grass, of apple sweetness.
“You can’t catch me!” She laughed as she swirled by on her toes, lush grass to her calves. He had swung to grab her, more irritated than good humored. Saw the soft green stains on her bare feet as she jumped lightly back from his reach.
“Bear is too slow… only cats can dance quickly enough to catch the will-o-wisp in the wind.” She giggled as she deftly avoided another growled attempt.
“Mal, tell yer albatross bird girl ta leave me alone.” He hollered.
“Oh, I think you got it covered handily Jayne. ‘Sides, what harm’s she gonna do anyways?” Mal had chuckled back.
The day of sun and blue skies had been a boon to the crew. Apple picking season, a job on an idyllic moon, and some free moments to enjoy being human again. Jayne looked at the girl’s feet poking out from under the blanket. Faint blush of green still stained her soles. The apple scent mixed with the coldness of the infirmary and the hot sweat on them all. He growled involuntarily. Mal and Simon both glanced up, met eyes and tensed. Neither wanted to see Jayne decide to follow up on that growl.
Hours passed into darkness, swathed Serenity in black. Jayne wrenched himself free of the IV line as soon as Simon allowed. Stalked out, hungry, tired, frustrated.
Simon pottered about the infirmary. Cleaning equipment, recording items needing replacement. And watched his beautiful sister sleeping. His mei mei who he gave up everything he had worked for. His world had become keeping her safe and he shook inside when he realized he could not.
Simon was beginning to see the ‘verse as Mal had presented it. Hard, uncaring, brutal and deadly. And River was as caught in the destruction as any of them. She had become destruction clothed in the body of a young woman.
He sat heavily on the stool beside her, recently vacated by Jayne. Gently he stroked hair back off her face, smoothed the blanket under her chin. And beheld her, unsure of himself in this space.
“Simon…Simon… they took him… made him different…” River spoke quietly, voice dry but audible.
“Shhh mei mei, shhh…” He reached out to sooth her.
River looked at her brother, saw past his concern to his fear inside. Saw him not know. “He is different. They made him changed.. Flow of blood tells no lies. The smoke cannot hide the fire it only disguises it.”
Simon stroked her hair gently. Wondered if he could say anything to his sister that she did not already know…
~*~ ~*~
“Jayne.” Mal said sharply as he entered the galley.
Jayne was lounging on the couch with a Guns and Girls magazine he was studying. His brow was furrowed as he read specs on a gun that was pictured with a bikini clad blond. The information he was interested in, but the girl was distracting him. Violence and sex, along with food, Jayne’s world had consisted of those for many years. He was mad at himself, furious at the ‘verse for placing a detour on that path. And Mal being Mal didn’t bode well either.
“What?” Jayne barked back.
“Today… need ta be explaining what happened. Peaceful drop, quiet planet. And now my pilot is out of commission.” Mal was frustrated and tired. The surgery had taken a long time, Jayne’s silent presence had drained Mal’s patience in ways he didn’t want to explore and now the merc was unconcernedly reading one of his girl magazines.
“Went, dropped off the goods like you said, got paid, turned ta come back and bang. Weren’t my fault. Girl shoulda known it was comin’, bein’ as how she’s a mind readin’ genius and all.” Jayne grumbled in response. He didn’t want to go into how he had seen the lead up as it happened. He had known the contacts were going to turn on them before River did and it made him deeply uncomfortable that the crazy girl hadn’t known before him. Their betrayal tasted sour on his tongue. These contacts that had always been reliable. Now they were added to the list of folks they couldn’t do business with unless they were willing to risk a fight.
Miranda had destroyed so much and the ripples continued to flow outwards.
Mal’s eyes narrowed, he sensed an omission in the telling but he couldn’t place it. He knew Jayne was hiding information or at least a sense of what had happened, but he couldn’t force the man to talk.
“Good contacts don’t just turn.” Mal responded harshly.
“Yeah? Why ya thinkin’ that Mal? Like we ain’t been havin’ that kinda luck for a time now.” Jayne barked back, “Since Doc and the genius showed up ain’t like life’s been smooth.”
Mal drew himself up, anger stiffening his features. “We had this discussion, more than once as I recall… ain’t having it again Jayne. We do, and you’re off my boat and don’t matter none to me where that happens.”
The men glared at each other, neither giving, neither flinching back. Mal felt the electricity up his spine, the big merc was sitting down, but every fiber of him looked ready to attack. Mal ran through his options quickly, determined that Jayne really could get the better of him if he wasn’t careful. He wasn’t too sure he wanted to be careful anymore.
Jayne narrowed his gaze, eyes hardened as his body readied. He felt the beating thrum of blood behind his eyes, red curtained over everything, blinding him to the space where backing down would be possible.
A scream, a crash and Simon’s harsh cry from the infirmary disturbed the tableau, rearranged the energy of the room. Both men broke contact and united to run downstairs, nearly shoulder to shoulder. Mal shuddered inside as he realized how close he had come to blows with the man beside him. The man that used to step back, to back down, to feel fear for him. Mal wasn’t sure where Jayne was now. He wasn’t sure the incipient threat to take over the ship wouldn’t actually become reality now.
They skidded into the infirmary nearly side by side; saw River clutching a scalpel, blood running down her hand and arm. Simon cradled a bloody arm to himself. Crying in pain and shock, “River…it’s ok, I’m right here… it’s me…” He soothed, voice calm and measured despite the pain.
“Gone, they were gone… going to come back and kill them all… bears and lions and will-o-wisps all required to balance the scales… need all or none the better.” She spoke in undertones, base of frantic fearfulness hidden by her quiet.
Jayne bridled at seeing her rocking forth and back, bloody blade in her hand. Her hair shielded her eyes from him, but he could feel the pulsating fear coming from her. A glance at Mal ascertained that he felt it too. The two men made eye contact for a moment before Jayne grunted and moved forward.
River reached out to him, gave him the scalpel with no words. The touch of their hands as she passed it to him marked another beat in her internal drum. Their harmonies were becoming clearer to her even as it was still shadowed to others.
“What is clear to the heart is invisible to the eye.” She said solemnly, looking at Mal after the touch of Jayne’s hand. The big man grunted in response as Mal quirked his lips at her.
“Albatross, you are going to have to speak plain, can’t be having this mysterious talk and such. No more cutting on your brother or anyone else on this here crew either. Dong ma?” He figured he had enough trouble keeping Jayne from attacking him, didn’t need his resident genius/killer woman joining in the fun.
“Had to stop other realms from colliding… ripples impacting across tide pools drawing everything in its wake down… Sorry I cut you Simon. Needed to get their attention.” Her voice changed at the end, apologetic, sad.
“You cut on yer brother to get our attention?” Jayne snorted, “Now I know yer out a’ yer tree…” He threw the scalpel in the sink and spun to leave the room.
River sat up, wrapping her arms around her body, eyes darted from Jayne to Mal. “Please don’t go… was only way I could think of… hazy from chemical induced tranquility… had to stop you… need you…”
As she blurted out the last words Jayne stopped, hand on the doorframe, white-knuckled grip.
“Mei mei… you’re tired… confused…” Simon said soothingly, a tone of voice he had mastered with much practice since his sister had come screaming out of the cryo-box.
“No, not confused… finally seeing the balance… the bear must walk free… cannot be harmed by the king of the jungle…”
Mal cocked an eyebrow at that, wondered at her defining the crew as she did. He glanced at Jayne. He hadn’t turned around, his shoulders were tight and he stared at the deck. The big man slouched into himself, muscles contracted to make him smaller not larger. Heavily, he dropped his hand from the doorframe and walked away. Mal had to agree that he looked like nothing so much as a bear lumbering away. A small wry smile touched Mal’s lips as he watched Jayne; he was quiet in his movements, like a bear. Despite their size, bears and Jayne were utterly silent when they walked if they wanted to be.
Mal shook his head, half-irritated with himself for letting River influence his image of his merc.
She cried softly as she watched Jayne disappear, Simon had ministered to his own cut and came over to hold her. His arms were comforting and warm. Not the violent power of Jayne. There was no smoke or anger with Simon. The unconditional love he shared was cozy and real. She could hold to it as a blanket of down.
Eyes welling with tears, she snuffled into the comfort of the hug. Mal gently touched her shoulder. His touch was warm and brown to Simon’s lavender and green. River quirked a smile, seeing the men in those colors heartened her feeling of wellness.
She pulled her face clear of Simon’s shoulder, tears blotted dry on his shirt. “Knowledge weighs heavily on shoulders unfamiliar with heaviness of feeling. Forced breaking of barriers. Hurts. Paths of heat burn to black, red… Cautious betrayal of bearings. Will strike out before recoiling into shell.” She tried to explain, voice urgent, hopeful.
“Albatross there is no how this makes any sense. Got your words in an odd kind of order.” Mal replied, frustration clear from the tightness of his face. Simon listened, stroked her back, no longer sure he would ever understand her.
Harrumphing, River pulled away from her brother, clearly making a space between them.
“Too close, space confining. Stop pressing!” She ordered, eyes flitting around the room, looking everywhere except the two men. They glanced at each other, both confused and more than a little concerned. Both began to talk at once, voices a muddle of sound.
She tried again, ordering her thoughts carefully first. The noise of Simon’s brotherly love and Mal’s Captain’s protectiveness smothered her own bearings. She pushed past them to the only quiet place she had found. Pushed out to find that smoking wreck that was where Jayne went.
Holding her hands out in demand of quiet, she silenced them. “Blood to blood always speaks true.” She started, watching their faces for comprehension. “He was him, she was her. Mixed one to the other, introduced hers to him. Forced awareness, forced paths to forge anew.”
Mal opened his mouth to speak. “No, more words addle space with irrelevancies, listen, feel the shape of the meaning.” He closed his mouth, frowning.
“Feelings closed out. Denial of connections. Hears the noise. Cannot shut it out.” Her short sentences carried more meaning in them than either Simon or Mal could truly follow. “That which went as freezing hot red returns as ash. Liquid ice become burning smoke. Leaves scars of black.” She scratched at her arm absently as she spoke, clawing red weals to bleed. Simon and Mal jumped to stop her self-damaging act.
“Mei mei, stop! You are hurting yourself!” Simon blurted out, scared for his sister and his inability to understand her. Mal held her arms grimly, looking at the raised welts and the faint blush of blood just under the skin.
“Need to make you see. Show you the change.” River mumbled, head ducked back to hide again behind her hair.
Simon carefully cleaned her skin, smoothed ointment on the rawness left from her scratches. He despised himself for the tranquilizer he gave her to calm her and induce her to sleep.
Mal eased her down onto the mattress of the med bay bed, uncharacteristically quiet. Simon knew the Captain well enough to know he was contemplating the state River was in.
“How is she Doc? What are we dealing with here”
“I honestly don’t know Captain. She has been lucid since Miranda. This is not like before, it has changed. She speaks clearly most times. But…” He pushed his dark hair off his brow, warm and uncomfortable. “She is slipping away again I fear. And I don’t know what else I can do. I am working blind here.”
Mal grunted, looked at the sleeping girl. Young woman he corrected himself. Her face no longer softened into the lines of girlishness when she slept. A woman growing into herself and leaving them all behind.
“You aren’t going to be able to just tranq her to sleep every time she goes crazy-like.” Mal said harshly.
“I know, but I have nothing. The only thing that calms her when she is having an episode…” He met Mal’s eyes and they both knew that the answer was not one they wanted to voice.
~*~ ~*~
“Doc? How’s my Albatross doing?” Mal came into the infirmary the next morning. Tired, cranky, and wanting to get moving.
“I don’t know Captain. She comes to and speaks clearly and then slips back into sleep I cannot wake her from again. I have never seen this before. When she is conscious she is lucid… more than lucid… but then she slips away again.” Simon rubbed his eyes tiredly.
~*~ ~*~
Breakfast was quiet. Mal talked with Zoë about their next drop, Kaylee tried to comfort Simon whose exhaustion was clearly warring with his desire to stay awake. Inara was still out on an Advocate’s assignment. Jayne ate, eyes never leaving his plate. No one engaged in conversation with the clearly angry man.
He ate fast, pushed away from the table when the food was gone. He rudely ignored the others as he dropped his plate in the sink and stomped out of the mess. Mal noted how noisily he walked in contrast with the previous days silent slip away.
~*~ ~*~
Uncertain, he looked into the infirmary. He was not sure how he had gotten there. His feet had carried him with no deliberate orders from him. The crazy girl was still asleep, long hair hanging over her pillow, across her shoulders and neck. He felt himself walk in and straighten it, pulling it back off her neck, twisting it into a long rope to keep it from tangling around her again. His fingers and hands knew how to twine hair into ropes and braids. Memories of childhood siblings needing help from their older brother coming back to him as he stroked the silk of darkness.
Fingers thick with callous and age still easily wound and twisted a braid through her hair. She woke as he was finishing tying the end off with a length of surgical thread he had spied on the counter.
“Remembers what it felt like to be him.” She whispered. Her heart beat in her chest, sensing a step taken that she had to carefully not slip on.
He looked at her with hooded eyes, heard her voice but sensing her pulse more loudly. His nostrils flared, scenting the air cautiously. Her scent betrayed no preparation to attack despite the prickle in his consciousness of danger.
“The boy is still there. The man hasn’t become burned away. Bears and lions and monsters have not won all the battles. He feels…” She continued softly, voice burbling quietly in his ears. A steady drum beat measured his breaths, his own pulse he realized. He was looking at her from far away, felt her small in his vision. The distance he placed her in was safer than the nearness of their actual space.
“No, that boy ain’t here no more… ain’t nothin’ left a that.” He turned away, shoulders stooped, beaten.
~*~ ~*~
Series: Finding
Author: ceslas
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Post-BDM , after Aftermath, before Five Kisses
Characters: Jayne/River, crew
Disclaimer: Firefly owns me, I own words
Notes: Sometimes beats take more time than you think. A prompt from
bookaddict43 : Beat. Continues from Firefly 100 drabbles and Jayne Dancing.
Concrit is like air; only miss it when it isn't there.
All Jayne/River stories are in the same storyline, even if seen out of order...
Organizational Post
Beat…follows Skin/Jayne Dancing
Painting black that which tries to light in her heart. Shut out, repulsed. She dances to music no one hears. Feet marking rhythms in the dark corridors and open caverns of Serenity. A breath of light brushes against her senses when sleep fades in to take him. And then the madness of destruction overwhelms her, forcing her to flee in horror from the night terrors that haunt his dreams.
~*~ ~*~
Jayne had come pounding in to the infirmary with her, blood staining his hands. There was a wildness in his eyes that scared Simon enough to slow his usual efficient response. The bullet had taken a circuitous path through her body, entering at the shoulder, ricocheting off bone and traveling down and then back up, lodging against her collar bone before stopping. The internal bleeding had nearly overwhelmed her body’s ability to respond.
Feng li girl hadn’t ducked when the firefight began, hadn’t responded to his bellowed command to drop. When she spun back from the force of the bullet, collided with him and breathed out a cry, he wrenched her behind himself, shielded her form with his. Each bullet fired beat back an attacker; each bullet fired sang a song in his ears. A harmony to the dissonance of her whimpers.
Running, feet pounding the hard sand, breath coming hard and strong. He ran, intent on reaching safety before death caught them. Caught her. He felt his grip tighten, the glaze of death settled over his features. She was limp, was no longer feeling. He sensed her life trickling past his rigid grasp. He warred with himself, wanting to feel the last of a life crushed by his bare hands and screaming “No!”. Each footfall marked by an uttered “No…No…No…No..” the beat of his heart matching the fall of his feet, the breath rushing in.
The big merc stayed nearby for the hours of surgery it required to repair the damage done and remove the bullet. Fortunately he had merely grunted in assent when Simon requested that he supply his sister with blood. A line of red connected the two, reversed from its usual path. Jayne sat quietly, uncharacteristically silent and amenable. His eyes were shuttered and blank.
Crimson ribbon trailed to join life with life. He felt the sting of the needle, the slight pull of vacuum draining the richness of iron and ore from him. He could hear the rush of the flow, the pulsing of each heartbeat. His was slow and strong, hers thready, irregular. He bristled at the feeling. Ursine protectiveness warred with inanimate anger.
He watched the Doc work, watched his steady hand and sure fingers pry open the girl’s body. Small incisions, red welling up past the scalpel. Jayne could smell the tang of blood, the bitter sweat from Mal and Simon mingling with her more sweet scent. He crinkled his nose, filtered past all the smells, found the undertone of grass, of apple sweetness.
“You can’t catch me!” She laughed as she swirled by on her toes, lush grass to her calves. He had swung to grab her, more irritated than good humored. Saw the soft green stains on her bare feet as she jumped lightly back from his reach.
“Bear is too slow… only cats can dance quickly enough to catch the will-o-wisp in the wind.” She giggled as she deftly avoided another growled attempt.
“Mal, tell yer albatross bird girl ta leave me alone.” He hollered.
“Oh, I think you got it covered handily Jayne. ‘Sides, what harm’s she gonna do anyways?” Mal had chuckled back.
The day of sun and blue skies had been a boon to the crew. Apple picking season, a job on an idyllic moon, and some free moments to enjoy being human again. Jayne looked at the girl’s feet poking out from under the blanket. Faint blush of green still stained her soles. The apple scent mixed with the coldness of the infirmary and the hot sweat on them all. He growled involuntarily. Mal and Simon both glanced up, met eyes and tensed. Neither wanted to see Jayne decide to follow up on that growl.
Hours passed into darkness, swathed Serenity in black. Jayne wrenched himself free of the IV line as soon as Simon allowed. Stalked out, hungry, tired, frustrated.
Simon pottered about the infirmary. Cleaning equipment, recording items needing replacement. And watched his beautiful sister sleeping. His mei mei who he gave up everything he had worked for. His world had become keeping her safe and he shook inside when he realized he could not.
Simon was beginning to see the ‘verse as Mal had presented it. Hard, uncaring, brutal and deadly. And River was as caught in the destruction as any of them. She had become destruction clothed in the body of a young woman.
He sat heavily on the stool beside her, recently vacated by Jayne. Gently he stroked hair back off her face, smoothed the blanket under her chin. And beheld her, unsure of himself in this space.
“Simon…Simon… they took him… made him different…” River spoke quietly, voice dry but audible.
“Shhh mei mei, shhh…” He reached out to sooth her.
River looked at her brother, saw past his concern to his fear inside. Saw him not know. “He is different. They made him changed.. Flow of blood tells no lies. The smoke cannot hide the fire it only disguises it.”
Simon stroked her hair gently. Wondered if he could say anything to his sister that she did not already know…
~*~ ~*~
“Jayne.” Mal said sharply as he entered the galley.
Jayne was lounging on the couch with a Guns and Girls magazine he was studying. His brow was furrowed as he read specs on a gun that was pictured with a bikini clad blond. The information he was interested in, but the girl was distracting him. Violence and sex, along with food, Jayne’s world had consisted of those for many years. He was mad at himself, furious at the ‘verse for placing a detour on that path. And Mal being Mal didn’t bode well either.
“What?” Jayne barked back.
“Today… need ta be explaining what happened. Peaceful drop, quiet planet. And now my pilot is out of commission.” Mal was frustrated and tired. The surgery had taken a long time, Jayne’s silent presence had drained Mal’s patience in ways he didn’t want to explore and now the merc was unconcernedly reading one of his girl magazines.
“Went, dropped off the goods like you said, got paid, turned ta come back and bang. Weren’t my fault. Girl shoulda known it was comin’, bein’ as how she’s a mind readin’ genius and all.” Jayne grumbled in response. He didn’t want to go into how he had seen the lead up as it happened. He had known the contacts were going to turn on them before River did and it made him deeply uncomfortable that the crazy girl hadn’t known before him. Their betrayal tasted sour on his tongue. These contacts that had always been reliable. Now they were added to the list of folks they couldn’t do business with unless they were willing to risk a fight.
Miranda had destroyed so much and the ripples continued to flow outwards.
Mal’s eyes narrowed, he sensed an omission in the telling but he couldn’t place it. He knew Jayne was hiding information or at least a sense of what had happened, but he couldn’t force the man to talk.
“Good contacts don’t just turn.” Mal responded harshly.
“Yeah? Why ya thinkin’ that Mal? Like we ain’t been havin’ that kinda luck for a time now.” Jayne barked back, “Since Doc and the genius showed up ain’t like life’s been smooth.”
Mal drew himself up, anger stiffening his features. “We had this discussion, more than once as I recall… ain’t having it again Jayne. We do, and you’re off my boat and don’t matter none to me where that happens.”
The men glared at each other, neither giving, neither flinching back. Mal felt the electricity up his spine, the big merc was sitting down, but every fiber of him looked ready to attack. Mal ran through his options quickly, determined that Jayne really could get the better of him if he wasn’t careful. He wasn’t too sure he wanted to be careful anymore.
Jayne narrowed his gaze, eyes hardened as his body readied. He felt the beating thrum of blood behind his eyes, red curtained over everything, blinding him to the space where backing down would be possible.
A scream, a crash and Simon’s harsh cry from the infirmary disturbed the tableau, rearranged the energy of the room. Both men broke contact and united to run downstairs, nearly shoulder to shoulder. Mal shuddered inside as he realized how close he had come to blows with the man beside him. The man that used to step back, to back down, to feel fear for him. Mal wasn’t sure where Jayne was now. He wasn’t sure the incipient threat to take over the ship wouldn’t actually become reality now.
They skidded into the infirmary nearly side by side; saw River clutching a scalpel, blood running down her hand and arm. Simon cradled a bloody arm to himself. Crying in pain and shock, “River…it’s ok, I’m right here… it’s me…” He soothed, voice calm and measured despite the pain.
“Gone, they were gone… going to come back and kill them all… bears and lions and will-o-wisps all required to balance the scales… need all or none the better.” She spoke in undertones, base of frantic fearfulness hidden by her quiet.
Jayne bridled at seeing her rocking forth and back, bloody blade in her hand. Her hair shielded her eyes from him, but he could feel the pulsating fear coming from her. A glance at Mal ascertained that he felt it too. The two men made eye contact for a moment before Jayne grunted and moved forward.
River reached out to him, gave him the scalpel with no words. The touch of their hands as she passed it to him marked another beat in her internal drum. Their harmonies were becoming clearer to her even as it was still shadowed to others.
“What is clear to the heart is invisible to the eye.” She said solemnly, looking at Mal after the touch of Jayne’s hand. The big man grunted in response as Mal quirked his lips at her.
“Albatross, you are going to have to speak plain, can’t be having this mysterious talk and such. No more cutting on your brother or anyone else on this here crew either. Dong ma?” He figured he had enough trouble keeping Jayne from attacking him, didn’t need his resident genius/killer woman joining in the fun.
“Had to stop other realms from colliding… ripples impacting across tide pools drawing everything in its wake down… Sorry I cut you Simon. Needed to get their attention.” Her voice changed at the end, apologetic, sad.
“You cut on yer brother to get our attention?” Jayne snorted, “Now I know yer out a’ yer tree…” He threw the scalpel in the sink and spun to leave the room.
River sat up, wrapping her arms around her body, eyes darted from Jayne to Mal. “Please don’t go… was only way I could think of… hazy from chemical induced tranquility… had to stop you… need you…”
As she blurted out the last words Jayne stopped, hand on the doorframe, white-knuckled grip.
“Mei mei… you’re tired… confused…” Simon said soothingly, a tone of voice he had mastered with much practice since his sister had come screaming out of the cryo-box.
“No, not confused… finally seeing the balance… the bear must walk free… cannot be harmed by the king of the jungle…”
Mal cocked an eyebrow at that, wondered at her defining the crew as she did. He glanced at Jayne. He hadn’t turned around, his shoulders were tight and he stared at the deck. The big man slouched into himself, muscles contracted to make him smaller not larger. Heavily, he dropped his hand from the doorframe and walked away. Mal had to agree that he looked like nothing so much as a bear lumbering away. A small wry smile touched Mal’s lips as he watched Jayne; he was quiet in his movements, like a bear. Despite their size, bears and Jayne were utterly silent when they walked if they wanted to be.
Mal shook his head, half-irritated with himself for letting River influence his image of his merc.
She cried softly as she watched Jayne disappear, Simon had ministered to his own cut and came over to hold her. His arms were comforting and warm. Not the violent power of Jayne. There was no smoke or anger with Simon. The unconditional love he shared was cozy and real. She could hold to it as a blanket of down.
Eyes welling with tears, she snuffled into the comfort of the hug. Mal gently touched her shoulder. His touch was warm and brown to Simon’s lavender and green. River quirked a smile, seeing the men in those colors heartened her feeling of wellness.
She pulled her face clear of Simon’s shoulder, tears blotted dry on his shirt. “Knowledge weighs heavily on shoulders unfamiliar with heaviness of feeling. Forced breaking of barriers. Hurts. Paths of heat burn to black, red… Cautious betrayal of bearings. Will strike out before recoiling into shell.” She tried to explain, voice urgent, hopeful.
“Albatross there is no how this makes any sense. Got your words in an odd kind of order.” Mal replied, frustration clear from the tightness of his face. Simon listened, stroked her back, no longer sure he would ever understand her.
Harrumphing, River pulled away from her brother, clearly making a space between them.
“Too close, space confining. Stop pressing!” She ordered, eyes flitting around the room, looking everywhere except the two men. They glanced at each other, both confused and more than a little concerned. Both began to talk at once, voices a muddle of sound.
She tried again, ordering her thoughts carefully first. The noise of Simon’s brotherly love and Mal’s Captain’s protectiveness smothered her own bearings. She pushed past them to the only quiet place she had found. Pushed out to find that smoking wreck that was where Jayne went.
Holding her hands out in demand of quiet, she silenced them. “Blood to blood always speaks true.” She started, watching their faces for comprehension. “He was him, she was her. Mixed one to the other, introduced hers to him. Forced awareness, forced paths to forge anew.”
Mal opened his mouth to speak. “No, more words addle space with irrelevancies, listen, feel the shape of the meaning.” He closed his mouth, frowning.
“Feelings closed out. Denial of connections. Hears the noise. Cannot shut it out.” Her short sentences carried more meaning in them than either Simon or Mal could truly follow. “That which went as freezing hot red returns as ash. Liquid ice become burning smoke. Leaves scars of black.” She scratched at her arm absently as she spoke, clawing red weals to bleed. Simon and Mal jumped to stop her self-damaging act.
“Mei mei, stop! You are hurting yourself!” Simon blurted out, scared for his sister and his inability to understand her. Mal held her arms grimly, looking at the raised welts and the faint blush of blood just under the skin.
“Need to make you see. Show you the change.” River mumbled, head ducked back to hide again behind her hair.
Simon carefully cleaned her skin, smoothed ointment on the rawness left from her scratches. He despised himself for the tranquilizer he gave her to calm her and induce her to sleep.
Mal eased her down onto the mattress of the med bay bed, uncharacteristically quiet. Simon knew the Captain well enough to know he was contemplating the state River was in.
“How is she Doc? What are we dealing with here”
“I honestly don’t know Captain. She has been lucid since Miranda. This is not like before, it has changed. She speaks clearly most times. But…” He pushed his dark hair off his brow, warm and uncomfortable. “She is slipping away again I fear. And I don’t know what else I can do. I am working blind here.”
Mal grunted, looked at the sleeping girl. Young woman he corrected himself. Her face no longer softened into the lines of girlishness when she slept. A woman growing into herself and leaving them all behind.
“You aren’t going to be able to just tranq her to sleep every time she goes crazy-like.” Mal said harshly.
“I know, but I have nothing. The only thing that calms her when she is having an episode…” He met Mal’s eyes and they both knew that the answer was not one they wanted to voice.
~*~ ~*~
“Doc? How’s my Albatross doing?” Mal came into the infirmary the next morning. Tired, cranky, and wanting to get moving.
“I don’t know Captain. She comes to and speaks clearly and then slips back into sleep I cannot wake her from again. I have never seen this before. When she is conscious she is lucid… more than lucid… but then she slips away again.” Simon rubbed his eyes tiredly.
~*~ ~*~
Breakfast was quiet. Mal talked with Zoë about their next drop, Kaylee tried to comfort Simon whose exhaustion was clearly warring with his desire to stay awake. Inara was still out on an Advocate’s assignment. Jayne ate, eyes never leaving his plate. No one engaged in conversation with the clearly angry man.
He ate fast, pushed away from the table when the food was gone. He rudely ignored the others as he dropped his plate in the sink and stomped out of the mess. Mal noted how noisily he walked in contrast with the previous days silent slip away.
~*~ ~*~
Uncertain, he looked into the infirmary. He was not sure how he had gotten there. His feet had carried him with no deliberate orders from him. The crazy girl was still asleep, long hair hanging over her pillow, across her shoulders and neck. He felt himself walk in and straighten it, pulling it back off her neck, twisting it into a long rope to keep it from tangling around her again. His fingers and hands knew how to twine hair into ropes and braids. Memories of childhood siblings needing help from their older brother coming back to him as he stroked the silk of darkness.
Fingers thick with callous and age still easily wound and twisted a braid through her hair. She woke as he was finishing tying the end off with a length of surgical thread he had spied on the counter.
“Remembers what it felt like to be him.” She whispered. Her heart beat in her chest, sensing a step taken that she had to carefully not slip on.
He looked at her with hooded eyes, heard her voice but sensing her pulse more loudly. His nostrils flared, scenting the air cautiously. Her scent betrayed no preparation to attack despite the prickle in his consciousness of danger.
“The boy is still there. The man hasn’t become burned away. Bears and lions and monsters have not won all the battles. He feels…” She continued softly, voice burbling quietly in his ears. A steady drum beat measured his breaths, his own pulse he realized. He was looking at her from far away, felt her small in his vision. The distance he placed her in was safer than the nearness of their actual space.
“No, that boy ain’t here no more… ain’t nothin’ left a that.” He turned away, shoulders stooped, beaten.
~*~ ~*~