Let Me Tell You About Silence
Title: Let Me Tell You About Silence
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan
Rating: NC-17
Genre: fluff, sort of supernatural!au
Length: 23k
Summary: Sehun has never been able to get everyone else out of his head. This still doesn’t seem to explain how Luhan’s managed to expand until he fills all the space that’s left.
*
Wonder how old that kid is. He looks like he ought to be in school still. Is today a holiday or something?
Ah, I wonder if I should dye my hair. But then again, blond might not look as good on me as it does on him…
God, maybe I should have gotten flowers or something to show her I was really sorry, but roses are so expensive and it’s not like it’s a crime to spend a night out at the bar even if she did ask me to come straight home-
Hurry hurry hurry I wish this train would hurry the fuck up what if I get home and all the concert tickets are sold out shit shit shit I should have left earlier!
Sehun slides down further in his seat, jamming his headphones more firmly into his ears, and tries to relax and let the music drown out the endless buzzing in his head. The train starts to slow, and when it comes jerkily to a halt, Sehun hisses in pain as a small dark-haired girl stumbles sideways right onto his foot.
“Sorry! Sorry!” she mumbles before rushing out of the train, Sehun’s half-amused smile following her onto the rain-damp pavement. He hopes she gets tickets to that concert. He knows how attached people can get to their idols.
Maybe I should say something.
Sehun shoots the man sitting across the aisle from him his best bored-teenager smirk, daring him to ask why he isn’t in school. Not that Sehun would mind seeing the look of embarrassment spread across the man’s face when Sehun pulled out his ID and proved that he graduated from high school two years ago, but he doesn’t particularly want to talk to anyone today if he can help it. Today has been a bad day.
First, there’d been a ridiculous line at his favorite coffee shop, which meant he hadn’t had time to grab a latte before heading into work. And then Yixing had had the brilliant idea that they should reorganize the entire fiction section in an effort to “improve the energy flow within the store and draw people into the sections that most spoke to their souls.” And without coffee, Sehun was definitely not mentally or physically prepared to deal with Chanyeol’s unacceptable levels of enthusiasm or Baekhyun’s unacceptable levels of gay. Sehun makes it a point to dislike anyone who looks better in eyeliner than he does and this means he really doesn’t like Baekhyun. Not to mention that that new guy-Jongdae?-seems to be taking to Chanyeol and Baekhyun just a little too well, meaning that the three of them together are absolutely incorrigible and Sehun absolutely should not have to deal with all of them at once without either caffeine or alcohol in his system.
And then maybe she’ll smile and pull off her bathrobe and she won’t be wearing anything underneath. And she’ll walk up to me and grab my tie to pull me in for a kiss and I’ll-
Sehun shoots a disgruntled look at a man sitting a few rows in front of him. Okay, maybe train rides are pretty boring but couldn’t he keep his erotic fantasies to himself for five minutes? At least until Sehun got off? Some people. So inconsiderate.
Of course, Sehun thinks tiredly to himself, massaging his temples as he feels a headache building behind his eyes, it can’t really be inconsiderate if it’s involuntary. Not that that makes him feel any less ill. Chanyeol always teases him for having the emotional capacity of a box of rocks but Sehun’s currently very grateful for that. If it wasn’t the case he might be having a bit of a problem right now. And he doesn’t even like girls.
Luckily, the man gets off at the next stop and Sehun gulps in a large breath before telling himself once again to relax. The buzzing in his head is getting worse as the minutes inch by and the train begins to fill up with commuters heading home from work. Sehun just presses harder against his temples, turns up his music, and counts the number of stops left before he gets off. Thankfully, there’s only a few. He’s not sure he’d be able to take much more of this today.
To a monotonous accompaniment of the constant arguments about what do you want to have for dinner, why do you never come home on time, and when do you expect to get the heater fixed it’s almost December we’re going to freeze to death before you get over yourself and admit you can’t fix it, Sehun climbs the stairs to his apartment and fumbles with his keys, full-blown headache pounding at his forehead as he slides the door open and wearily presses it closed behind him.
Oh, god, I hope we still have some painkillers I don’t think I used them all up he’ll kill me if there aren’t any more obviously today’s been a bad day-
“You all right?” Jongin asks from where he’s leaning against the kitchen counter, sweatpants hanging low on his hips and thin tank top clinging tightly to every line of his body. Sehun snorts, falling ungracefully onto the living room sofa and burying his face in a pillow.
“You know, I’ve been better,” he says, words muffled by fabric, but he knows Jongin can hear him. “And you better not have finished all the painkillers no matter how much your waist hurts, I’m not in the mood to go buy more right now.”
“I, uh, let me check,” Jongin mumbles before guiltily turning on his heel and shuffling down the hallway towards the bathroom. Sehun listens to him go and squeezes his eyes tightly shut, appreciating the way the buzzing has faded to a low hum. The apartment may be cheap, but at least the walls are fairly thick.
Awesome! I knew I wouldn’t have finished them off without getting a new bottle from Taemin. Thank god, too, he looks pretty bad I wish he’d go see a doctor it can’t be normal to have headaches like that all the time...
Sehun extricates his arm from where it’s crushed against his chest and sticks it up over the back of the couch when he hears Jongin step back into the room, wrapping his fingers around the cool plastic of the pill bottle and groaning as he uses his other hand to shove himself upright.
“Still not going to see a doctor,” Sehun says conversationally, as he uncaps the bottle, shakes two pills out into his hand, and swallows them dry with a grimace. “I’m fine.”
“Sure you are,” Jongin sniffs, going back to his post against the counter and looking at Sehun with worry so palpable in his dark eyes even someone who wasn’t Sehun would be able to see it. “Because it’s totally normal for people who never do anything mentally or physically strenuous to get migraines all the time.”
“Hey!” Sehun snipes, folding his arms across his chest as a broad smile stretches across Jongin’s face. “I’ll have you know that I spent the entire day today carrying crates of badly written sci-fi novels from one side of the store to the other. That was strenuous!”
“Like you didn’t get Chanyeol to carry all the really heavy stuff,” Jongin smirks, and Sehun resists the urge to throw the pill bottle at his face. “Chanyeol actually lifts. And he’s such a sucker that all you and Baekhyun probably have to do is pout at him and he’ll do whatever you want.”
“Shut up,” Sehun moans in mock distress, letting his arms and head hang over the back of the couch. “You don’t know what I suffer! Especially with this new guy Yixing just hired. Jongdae. He’s worse than both Baekhyun and Chanyeol combined!”
“Oh, come on,” Jongin says, strolling over and petting Sehun’s head in a way that Sehun would never tolerate if he didn’t feel quite so awful and Jongin’s touch didn’t feel quite so soothing. “He can’t be that bad.” You can’t spend your whole life hating everyone.
“Just wait,” Sehun snorts, barely managing to prevent himself from saying, just watch me. “He’s as snarky as Baekhyun but nowhere near as fabulous. And he doesn’t like Murakami!”
“Well, that is truly unforgivable!” Jongin laughs, shoving Sehun’s head playfully and walking back over to the kitchen where he gulps from the glass of water he’d obvious filled just before Sehun got home. Wait, he isn’t the guy who wrote Sanshiro, right? Damn, I am so glad I’m not in university I’d be flunking out although I’ll never understand why Sehun didn’t go he loves that sort of thing-
“How can you not like Kafka on the Shore?” Sehun sighs, taking pity on Jongin. “It’s a classic! Or IQ84? Or even After Dark? He’s obviously a plebeian who only reads historical fiction or something. And Yixing decided he wants to rearrange the whole fiction section because someone gave him a book on feng shui and I want to find whoever it was and murder them.”
“Now, now,” Jongin says, yanking down his pathetic excuse for a shirt as it rides up, exposing the toned stomach Sehun’s always been secretly jealous of. “Don’t tell me about your murderous intentions! Then it’s premeditated and it carries a heavier sentence.”
“Oh, thanks so much Mr. Lawyer,” Sehun sniffs, rolling over so his head rests against the back of the couch. He can feel the painkillers starting to kick in, the throbbing buzz receding into the background of his thoughts. I really wonder though why he-maybe I should leave-think maybe we should order food-damn, why is my calf so sore-
“Ah, I am naught but a humble dancer,” Jongin says, lifting a hand dramatically as he presses the other to his heart. “All I know of the world I have learned from you, my most dedicated tutor-”
“Then how about you order your tutor some chicken and let me whine in peace?” Sehun asks, eyeing Jongin pointedly and then glancing at the phone sitting on the counter. He’s feeling much better by now but he knows that Jongin is a sucker for helping people when they’re not feeling well and he’ll milk it for all it’s worth.
“All right, all right,” Jongin says, smiling indulgently as he grabs his phone and types in a number he has memorized-should they be worried about that? it might say terrible things about their dietary habits-before pressing the phone to his ear and wandering into his bedroom as he starts talking. I hope. Chicken. Tired. What the. Socks. And then it’s silent.
Sehun sighs gratefully and heaves himself off of the couch, padding over to the kitchen and grabbing Jongin’s half-full glass of water. As he gulps down the lukewarm liquid, he lets his eyes wander aimlessly around the small apartment, alighting on Jongin’s shoes strewn haphazardly near the door, Sehun’s overflowing bookshelf standing against the wall next to the TV, several pairs of sweatpants and t-shirts piled in the middle of the hallway, probably because Jongin got distracted again on his way to do laundry.
Sehun’s phone buzzes, but when he looks at the screen and sees Junmyeon’s number, he just lets it ring. He’s really not in the mood for another lecture about how he’s wasting his life and if he would just go back to school and get a degree Junmyeon’s firm would be happy to hire him. Junmyeon’s always been the one who looked out for Sehun, who made sure he got to school on time, that he always had a uniform that fit, that no one made fun of him for being driven to school by a different friend every day because seriously didn’t he have his own home? But it’s been two years now, and still no one but Jongin seems to understand that Sehun was tired of the classes, tired of the purposeless struggle, tired of being stuck in the same room as hundreds of people he’ll never know well enough to like. He’s never wanted to be wealthy, to be the picture of success that Junmyeon is, with his fancy car and his fancy law firm job. Sehun just wants to write, and to read, and spend time with a few people he actually likes (despite how much he complains about them), and most of all he just wants to be left alone.
“Hey, I just remembered we don’t have any more ice cream, so I’m gonna go buy more,” Jongin says, and Sehun starts violently. No matter how often it happens nowadays, he’s still not used to people being able to sneak up on him.
“I thought you were supposed to be on a diet?” Sehun asks, eyeing Jongin sternly.
“Aww, and look at you, so concerned with my health,” Jongin replies sweetly, ignoring Sehun’s venomous glare. “But I am aware of that, and I don’t care. We have an audition coming up-Taemin thinks he can get us a gig as back-up dancers for some Chinese idol, especially since Minseok’s just come up with this brilliant choreography, like, it’s actually really awesome I’m super excited-and I need to be prepared for a celebration-”
“Okay, okay, tell me about it when you get back or else you’re never going to get that ice cream,” Sehun laughs, waving Jongin towards the door. Jongin gives him a big grin before bounding over, pulling on his shoes, and sliding out of the apartment, humming some song Sehun’s been hearing through the walls at all hours of the night recently, whenever Jongin decides he needs practice more than he does sleep.
As soon as the door clicks shut, Sehun’s surrounded by a thick, empty silence. It’s mesmerizing-all the more so since it’s so rare-and before he knows it Sehun finds his eyelids sliding shut, the couch feeling much more comfortable than usual when he thinks about the long hallway he’d have to walk down to get to his bedroom. He doesn’t wake until Jongin slams the front door open, protectively clutching a carton of mint chocolate chip to his chest, and even then it’s so quiet he’s not sure if he’s actually awake.
*
“And then the doors slammed closed right in his face!” Chanyeol guffaws loudly, slapping his thigh like he’s just told the funniest joke on earth.
“Do you think it says something about you that you find it so funny that someone ran for the train and missed it this morning?” Jongdae comments as he slides past the table where Chanyeol is sitting, readjusting the heavy box of hardcover cookbooks in his arms as he stops in front of the Cooking section. “Like, that you’re a terrible person?”
“It was funny!” Chanyeol whines, grin twisting into an exaggerated pout as he reaches out and grabs Baekhyun’s wrist as he passes by, dragging him backwards. “Baekhyun, tell him it was funny and that I’m a good person!”
“Okay, it was a little funny,” Baekhyun says, casually grabbing a book from the box Chanyeol’s sorting through and slapping Chanyeol hard on the forearm, smirking when he squeals in pain and releases Baekhyun’s wrist. “But the jury is still out on you being a good person. Don’t think we’ve all forgotten the frog incident.”
“Truth,” Sehun says with an enthusiastic nod as he sticks his head out from the end of the Travel aisle and narrows his eyes at Chanyeol. “I have never been so traumatized in my entire life.”
“So I make one bad decision and now you all have license to make fun of me forever?” Chanyeol complains, letting Baekhyun pat him condescendingly on the back. Sehun’s 99% sure he’s only allowing it because Baekhyun’s wearing skinny jeans today and Chanyeol would be an idiot to push Baekhyun away when he currently has such a perfect view of his perfect ass. Not that Sehun’s jealous or anything. Not at all. Pssh, he’s used to Baekhyun being prettier than him all the time, it’s totally fine.
“Hey!” Yixing yells, popping up from among the romantic novels. Everyone jumps in surprise. “Do we have a special section devoted to magical creatures?”
“What…does that even mean?” Jongdae asks curiously, eyeing the books Yixing’s waving around animatedly.
“You know, like vampires, werewolves, unicorns, mermaids, that kind of stuff,” Yixing sighs long-sufferingly, as if it should be obvious. Yixing’s mind tends to work in mysterious ways.
“Not that I know of,” Baekhyun says thoughtfully, putting his hands on his hips and raising an eyebrow. Everyone pretends not to see Chanyeol turn bright red. “Do you think it’s an important enough genre to separate from general fiction?”
“Baekhyun!” Yixing says in a scandalized tone, as if Baekhyun’s just questioned the importance of breathing, or making sure Chanyeol never eats sugar before 10am so no one tries to strangle him for being way too happy. “It’s unicorns. Of course it’s important!”
“Okay…” Baekhyun says, unconvinced, but Yixing’s already flitted off towards the Politics section to reshelve some autobiographies. Jongdae shrugs and goes to get another box as Chanyeol continues to separate books about grilling from books about baking. Sehun refocuses his attention on the display in front of him. It’s supposed to be “Poetry for Spring” but he’s not entirely sure which collections he wants to include. Would it be cheating to just throw in all the new-ish anthologies that didn’t sell very well during the winter? He’s deciding whether or not Yixing will notice, or mind, if a few of the books in the display have artsy pictures of snow-covered forests on the covers when the painkillers he took this morning start wearing off. Damn.
I can’t believe people buy this trash. A five-year-old could have written this! No plot, no character development, zero imagery-
I think I could be a really good griller. Is that what you call people who grill things? Grillers? Hmm. I like grilled meat a lot though. I should get a grill. I wonder how much a little hibachi grill would cost. I wonder if Baekhyun likes grilled meat. Does anyone not like grilled meat? Besides vegetarians, I guess, they probably wouldn’t.
Honestly, how can we not have had a section for all these books before? They’re half our fiction section at this point-true, some are not quite up to my demanding literary standards but we have to appeal to the desires of the masses, don’t we, and this is a perfect way to do that…
Damn it, why are these shelves so tall? Great. Maybe I should ask Chanyeol for help. But he’s busy, I don’t want to bother him. Maybe I should ask Sehun. He’s obviously not doing anything important, I hardly think standing there staring at a book of poems counts as work. I like that outfit, though, I say if you’re going to show the waistband of your briefs be classy about it, it’s all about a classy waistband-
Hurriedly yanking at his pants to try to pull them up even more than they already are, Sehun turns as Baekhyun approaches and starts talking before he can even open his mouth.
“Sorry, one minute, can’t help you right now I have to go to the bathroom!” Sehun babbles before turning on his heel and rushing off towards the back of the store, ducking into the employee’s lounge and quickly stepping into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him. The buzzing in his head is getting louder with every passing second and Sehun swears angrily, rummaging in his pocket and swearing louder when he realizes that he forgot to bring the painkillers with him this morning. He knows it’s really not advisable to spend all of his time hyped up on drugs but sometimes he just wants a quiet day, a day when he doesn’t have to deal with anyone except himself. Obviously, today is not going to be that day.
Groaning, Sehun splashes water on his face, frowning at the way it makes his cheeks turn pink and blotchy, before yanking open the door and plodding back into the store. Yixing’s opened the store by now, and there are already at least five different people browsing the shelves, plus one kid sitting in the middle of the manga aisle. Sehun smirks as he passes by on his way to the register, where Yixing wants him to be. It’s amusing how embarrassed some boys are about being intrigued by shoujo, jumping whenever anyone passes by as if the look on their faces can tell that they’re not actually interested in back issues of Bleach.
“And is that going to be all for today?” Sehun asks pleasantly, sliding behind the cash register and smoothly ringing up the two books on bird identification that the kindly-looking old man in line holds out to him. He sees Yixing rounding the corner, about to yell, before he sees Sehun already at the cashier and stops short, mouth slamming closed. Sehun gives him a quick smirk before sliding the books into a bag and wishing the man in front of him a pleasant day. Yixing disappears back into the aisles muttering to himself about unreliable employees and hoping Sehun doesn’t scare away customers with his face. Sehun honestly doesn’t understand why everyone goes on about his face. It’s not that bad.
“Just so you know, I’ve always had a soft spot for Bokura Ga Ita too,” he says with a wink to the boy from the manga aisle, handing him his new installment of One Piece and grinning when the boy blushes a deep red.
He’s already in the process of ringing up the next customer in line when his hands suddenly still, fingers clasped tightly around the spine of the book he’s holding. For a disorienting second he can’t figure out what’s changed, only senses that something is very, very wrong. His head is spinning and he feels strangely off-balance.
“Everything all right?” the man in front of him asks, dark eyes earnestly scanning Sehun’s face. The man’s honey-colored bangs fall forward and he huffs out an exasperated breath to try to push them back into place. Sehun runs a hand through his own hair, which suddenly seems garishly blond in comparison, and blinks several times to try to clear his head. And that’s when he figures it out.
It’s silent. Everything. He can’t hear anything but the soft classical music playing over the store speakers, because Yixing insists pop music is for plebeians no matter how much Baekhyun begs and Chanyeol suggests alternative rock bands he’s sure Yixing will love.
“You sure you’re all right? You look kind of pale,” the man says again, leaning slightly forward and squinting into Sehun’s face. Sehun involuntarily backs away before he remembers that this man is just some random customer, that there’s no way he could possibly have anything to do with the disconcerting silence.
“What? No! No, I’m fine,” Sehun manages to stutter, punching buttons on the register automatically, somehow managing to give the man the right amount of change. “Thanks for, uh, shopping. Here. Have a nice day!”
“You should get some sleep,” the man says kindly as he gathers up his book. “You really don’t look quite well. Have a good day.”
Sehun can’t stop himself from staring after him, mouth hanging open in a way he knows probably looks extremely unattractive and maybe a bit mentally unstable. The man’s soft voice echoes in his mind, and as Sehun studies his retreating form he has to admit that the man is kind of very pretty. But Sehun doesn’t have any more time to contemplate this before the man is out the door and suddenly a wave of sound crashes over him, sending him reeling. He braces himself against the counter, squeezing his eyes shut as bits of conversation, half-finished arguments, insecure murmurs, and confident boasts flood him, the buzz pounding in his ears as if in retaliation for the period of silence.
“Are you all right?” Yixing asks in concern when he sees Sehun clutching the counter with white knuckles. Oh, god, I hope he doesn’t have the flu I’ve been so careful, I haven’t taken the train for an entire month because it’s flu season, figures that one of my employees would be a carrier of disease and plague-
“I don’t have the flu,” Sehun growls before he can stop himself, and without letting Yixing do more than shoot him a surprised look he’s slipping out from behind the counter, walking purposefully through the door and out onto the busy sidewalk. Even though his head feels like it’s being split in two, he tries to relax. Letting the noise fill him, he begins to sort through the melee, searching for any mention of the man from before. It helps that the man’s attractive, Sehun thinks wryly, as he heads towards the grocery store a block down where a young woman is staring shyly at the man and wondering if he has a girlfriend.
It’s not until Sehun has raced into the store and tracked the man into the produce section when, standing on the opposite side of a display full of plums, he remembers that he really doesn’t have any semblance of a plan. What is he going to say? Oh, hello, my name is Sehun can I please just follow you around for a while because I’m sick of having headaches?
“Oh, hello,” the man standing across from him says in surprise as he looks up and sees Sehun staring blankly at him from across the rows of purple plums. Sehun jumps, mind wildly jumping to the conclusion that the man knows what he’s thinking, before he realizes that that’s probably impossible. Right?
“I’m Sehun!” Sehun blurts out, and immediately wishes he could fall face-first into the plums and never re-emerge.
“Luhan,” the man says in bemusement, eyeing Sehun thoughtfully. “And you’re still wearing your nametag, you know.”
“Shit!” Sehun swears angrily as he looks down and sees the small metal plaque pinned to his shirt. “I mean. Sorry! That’s not. Um.”
“Did I forget something at the store?” the man-Luhan, apparently-prompts, lifting a curious hand like he’s expecting Sehun to hand him a pair of sunglasses or a wallet.
“No,” Sehun says, a bit too dazedly, because his mind feels so empty, like someone has thrown buckets of white paint over all the crazy colors and whirling patterns and Sehun’s always hated blank white walls but this, this feels strangely soothing.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Luhan asks sympathetically, cocking his head to the side as he watches Sehun struggle to get his face under control. It’s much more difficult than expected, when he’s torn between marveling in this newfound silence, trying to avoid every annoyed grandmother squeezing past him, and attempting not to think about how pretty Luhan is. Because he’s really pretty. Really.
“Yes! I am!” Sehun says quickly, pausing to shoot a glare at some angry mother who’d just rammed into him “accidentally” with her cart. “But can we talk somewhere where I’m not being a roadblock?”
Luhan gives a slight nod, which Sehun decides is good enough, and then he’s hurrying off towards the back of the store, hoping that Luhan decides to follow him and not just run off as soon as his back is turned. As it turns out, he doesn’t even need to turn around to see if Luhan’s following. The continued silence is answer enough.
“Do I know you or something?” Luhan asks thoughtfully, brow wrinkling as he leans against a shelf full of packaged breads and stares hard at Sehun’s face as if willing himself to remember him. Sehun shifts awkwardly and reaches up a hand to try to straighten his hair before realizing that it’s probably useless.
“I don’t think so,” Sehun says slowly, because he’s still not quite sure where he wants this conversation to go. Why oh why couldn’t he just have stayed in the store and saved himself all this awkwardness? So he would have lost the only chance he might ever have to live a normal life but so what? It’s not like this is going to be a productive conversation anyway. What could he possibly say: please stay with me forever? That’s not the sort of thing you say to complete strangers, especially if you don’t want to get arrested. Sehun most definitely does not want to get arrested. Yixing had to spend the night in jail once for public indecency (go figure) and it had taken an entire month of stress-reorganizing the store to return him to his usual state of cheerfulness.
“Then why did you follow me here?” Luhan asks, and now he looks a bit nervous, like he’s finally realized how creepy this situation is and is thinking about walloping Sehun over the head with his shopping basket and making a break for it. Damn, Sehun wishes he knew if that’s what he was really thinking. This conversation thing is much harder when he doesn’t know at least ten seconds beforehand what the other person’s going to say.
“Um…I just…” Sehun begins, but then he sees a young woman walking past them, calling out to a handsome man inspecting a tray of muffins, and it all clicks into place. Perfect. “I just wanted to see if you wanted to get a coffee. Sometime.”
“Coffee?” Luhan asks in confusion, narrowing his eyes again, and Sehun almost wants to wallop himself over the head with a shopping basket because he is not supposed to be thinking about how cute Luhan looks when he does that. Luhan has something Sehun wants and Sehun is going to make sure he gets it. That’s all.
“It’s all the rage these days, I hear,” Sehun says with a broad grin, confidence sliding back now that he has a Plan. “But if you’re a fan of tea I wouldn’t say no to that either.”
“I just. You don’t even know me!” Luhan hisses, looking around as if expecting some village elder to pop up from among the pastries and demand Sehun adhere to the Rules of Courtship before taking Luhan out for a coffee.
“Hence the coffee,” Sehun explains, and feels slightly victorious when Luhan gives him a wry smile. “I’d like to get to know you. If that’s what you want, of course.”
“What gave it away?” Luhan asks tiredly, and Sehun lifts an eyebrow in confusion. “It’s because I look like a fucking girl, isn’t it. God, I hate my life sometimes.”
“What are you-” Sehun starts, but Luhan just keeps talking. Okay, so maybe that’s a little annoying but Sehun can get used to it. It’s a lot less annoying than being forced to listen to other people’s sexual fantasies as they pick out bunches of bananas.
“And I mean, maybe I don’t hate it, because it means I get dates with really attractive people like you, oh god did I just say that out loud? Um. I mean. Let’s pretend that didn’t happen, okay? What I meant was, I don’t know why people assume I’m into guys just because I’m not the most manly-looking because I am manly, I swear! I just-”
“Look,” Sehun says quickly, deciding this has gone on long enough. He’s surprised, but oddly pleased, when Luhan immediately stops talking, staring at Sehun with wide eyes. “I asked you to get coffee with me because you’re fucking gorgeous and you seemed like a really nice person. That’s all. So what do you say?”
“One second!” Luhan laughs, a bit breathlessly, before reaching into his cart for an ad, pulling a pen out of his pocket, and scribbling down some numbers before thrusting the paper at Sehun. “Call me, okay? I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
“Will do,” Sehun says with an only mildly suggestive grin, and he wants to punch himself in the face because who does that but it makes Luhan blush as he rushes away back towards the vegetable section, so maybe it wasn’t a terrible mistake.
The exact moment he steps out of the store, everything comes roaring back.
Sehun stumbles and almost falls before he manages to catch himself against the side of a nearby building, ignoring the passersby throwing him worried glances. He groans as words and pictures spill over the edges of his mind, filling him so full he feels like he’s about to explode. It hurts, and it takes all of Sehun’s willpower not to rush back into the store and cling to Luhan just to make it all go away.
He can do this. He has to do this.
When he finally totters back to the store, he manages to stick his tongue out at an extremely annoyed Baekhyun working the register before he’s forced to follow a mildly murderous stream of images to where Yixing is stacking and re-stacking a pile of poetry collections whose covers sport very spring-like pictures of flowers and trees.
“And where the hell did you go?” Yixing shrieks and Sehun winces, wishing that Yixing didn’t watch quite so many horror movies. Sehun’s not mentally prepared to deal with those kind of terrifying images, especially when he’s been cast as the victim. He always makes Jongin change the channel when those types of movies come on.
“I had to…take care of something. It was urgent. And personal,” Sehun says shortly, rubbing at his temples in a way that’s about as effective as standing in the middle of a snowstorm and trying to melt it with a couple of handwarmers.
“Your whole damn family better have been dying,” Yixing growls, brandishing a hardcover in Sehun’s face, before he takes a moment to think about what he’s said and stops. “Okay, I didn’t mean that. Everything’s okay, right? Right? Oh, god, is your whole family actually dying I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it do you need some time to recover-”
“Yixing,” Sehun says loudly, rubbing even harder at his temples. “Everything’s fine now. And it won’t happen again. I promise.”
“Really?” Yixing asks suspiciously. “You promise?”
“Yup,” Sehun says, sparing a few seconds to drag a finger in an “X” across his chest before returning it to his head. “Cross my heart.”
“Okay, then,” Yixing says grumpily, turning back to his display. “Now go find Chanyeol and stop him from listening to anything Jongdae says. I swear, if I find him shelving everything in the wrong place because he didn’t realize that idiot thought it would be funny to switch the shelf labels, someone’s going to get hurt.”
Oh, please, like we don’t all know you went to chase after that hot piece of ass that walked in here a little while ago. Transparent bastard. I fucking hate having to work the register.
For the rest of the day, Sehun is careful to direct all the most difficult, querulous customers to the register.
“Oh, I’m so sorry!” he says, eyes widening in the way he knows makes him look much younger than he actually is. “But you should really go talk to Byun Baekhyun, up at the front? He’d be more than happy to help you with all of your problems!”
When Baekhyun storms out at the end of the day, thinking some very uncharitable things about Sehun, Sehun just barely has enough energy left to grin vindictively. It’s so worth it, even if the movement of his jaw sends a splitting pain through his head. It’s not every day he has a legitimate reason to be a brat to Baekhyun, so he has to savor every moment.
*
“Is it all right if I leave a little early?” Sehun asks hesitantly, a few days later, as if he’s not already sure Yixing’s in a good mood and he’d probably say yes if Sehun asked him if they could buy a pet hamster to be the store mascot.
“Hmm? What? Leave? Yeah, sure!” Yixing laughs airily, sliding a hand along the spines of the books on the shelves he’s walking past, pausing once in a while to slide one out and gaze at it affectionately before placing it back in its spot.
“Thanks!” Sehun says brightly, practically running out of the store to a cloud of vindictive swearing from Baekhyun, good-natured interest from Chanyeol, and not a single thought from Jongdae, who’s currently back in the break room replacing Chanyeol’s bottle of hand lotion with glue and snickering in a completely evil way. Sehun reminds himself never to get on Jongdae’s bad side.
He feels ridiculously excited to finally meet up with Luhan-just not, he thinks wryly, for the reasons most people are excited when going on a first date. He couldn’t care less about Luhan. Sure, he’s attractive, but he’s not really Sehun’s type-much too sweet and…happy. Sehun’s an artist, after all, he likes people with depth, and Luhan looks to have about as much depth as a puddle. But Sehun’s migraines have been getting worse all week, as if to punish him for the brief respite he had during his meeting with Luhan, and all he wants is to get every last person out of his head.
He walks into the coffee shop they’d planned to meet at, but as he scans the tables he doesn’t see Luhan’s golden hair and so decides to just find a seat himself and wait. He flops into a chair near the back of the shop, ignoring the typical “shouldn’t you be in school” looks and narrowly preventing himself from grinning seductively at the girl sitting a few tables away who thinks some very flattering things about his ass. He’s done that more than enough times to realize that it’s never a good idea. Even if Sehun were interested, it’s not exactly the best way to meet someone.
It feels like he’s been waiting forever, leg jiggling up and down as he waits for Luhan to show. But when Sehun looks at his watch he sees that it’s actually only been five minutes. He tries to focus, picking up the thread of the man working at the cashier, because he looks vaguely familiar and it’s killing him that he can’t remember where he’s seen him before. Unfortunately, the man is being singularly unhelpful, never letting his mind wander from the long list of drinks he’s supposed to be making, and Sehun sighs in disgust.
Luckily, this is when Luhan finally decides to show up-a whole six minutes late, Sehun thinks as he glares at his watch before settling his face into an acceptably happy expression.
“Sorry I’m late!” Luhan sighs quickly, hurrying over as soon as he spots Sehun’s pale head bobbing towards him through the crowd. “I was taking the bus and it had to make an extra stop.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Sehun says smoothly, because now there really is nothing to worry about. He feels like he’s just dived into the ocean in the middle of a hot summer day-everything is deliciously light and cool.
“Did you already order?” Luhan asks, awkwardly gesturing towards the register with a small apologetic smile curling his lips.
“Nope!” Sehun responds cheerfully, before stepping past Luhan and beginning to walk towards the maddeningly familiar barista. “I was waiting for you.”
After Sehun’s done, Luhan steps up to the register and gives his order to the man standing there. But then he says something else, and the man laughs, and then Luhan says something else and the man reaches out to ruffle Luhan’s hair and all of a sudden Sehun is rather upset about the fact that he has no idea what’s going on. He has to wait until Luhan decides to wave goodbye and wander over to where Sehun is standing. He’s smiling widely, hands reaching up to smooth down his rumpled hair, and Sehun feels oddly annoyed.
“You know him?” Sehun asks in what he hopes is a nonchalant tone, though inside he’s writhing with curiosity. He’s never had to deal with a mystery like this. Never had to depend on someone else for information about their conversations. Maybe it’s made him complacent.
“Oh!” Luhan says, as if just remembering that Sehun’s standing beside him. “Yeah, that’s Minseok. We went to university together. I haven’t seen him in forever, it’s so weird running into him here.”
“Oh, Minseok,” Sehun breathes. Mystery solved.
“You know him too?” Luhan asks curiously, eyes bright as they meet Sehun’s own. It’s almost too much, too bright, and Sehun can only handle it for a few moments before he has to drop his eyes to his hands.
“Yeah, he’s on the same dance team as my friend Jongin,” he replies, chancing another glance at Luhan, and this time he’s actually able to keep eye contact. Maybe it’s just something he’ll have to get used to.
“Oh, so that’s what he’s doing now!” Luhan laughs happily. “I’m so glad. He always loved dancing, but he was never sure he could make a career out of it.”
“Well, what about you?” Sehun asks, suddenly remembering that this is a date, and they’re probably not supposed to spend the entire time talking about mutual friends. “What do you do?”
For the first time since he’s met him-which admittedly, isn’t very long-Sehun sees Luhan’s eyes darken. He looks so tired, and a little sad, and Sehun is abruptly sorry that he asked, though it was a perfectly normal question.
“I mean, if you don’t want to talk about work, we don’t-you know,” Sehun says lamely, suddenly wishing Minseok would hurry up with those drinks so he’d have something in his hands to toy with.
“No, it’s fine, it’s a typical first date question, right?” Luhan says, flashing Sehun a tight grin. “I mean, if this even is a date. It’s just. I always seem to have a much less interesting job than most people. I work for a real estate agency, mostly doing secretary work really.”
“Well, nothing wrong with that!” Sehun says quickly, because even though he’s not quite sure why, he knows he doesn’t want Luhan to keep looking that sad. It’s making his stomach flop uncomfortably. “I mean, I work in a bookstore, so my life definitely isn’t more interesting than yours.”
“I don’t know, those co-workers of yours seemed like real characters,” Luhan says, and this time his smile is real, and bright, and it makes Sehun want to blink.
“Ha, I guess so,” Sehun smirks, fondly remembering the look on Baekhyun’s face last week when Jongdae and Chanyeol had teamed up to force him into a dress in the employee’s lounge, claiming that it would help them sell more books. Baekhyun had managed to land a punch on Jongdae that left him sputtering in the corner, but his inexplicable weakness for Chanyeol’s weird meant that Sehun managed to take photographic evidence of the whole event before Baekhyun shoved Chanyeol away and tore off the pink flowery fabric. “But it’s not like I want to work there forever either, you know?”
“Oh?” Luhan asks, walking up to grab their coffees when Minseok finally brings them over. The two of them exchange smiles that Sehun doesn’t quite like before Luhan’s sitting back down. Sehun’s surprised to see that Luhan drinks his coffee black. He’d pegged him as a sugary latte kind of guy-sort of like Jongin, who always seems to get very little coffee once they finish cramming all the other unhealthy ingredients into the cup.
“I want to be a writer,” Sehun admits, fighting the blush threatening to crawl its way up into his cheeks. He’s not supposed to be embarrassed about this anymore! He’d promised himself that when he moved out on his own and started working at the bookstore. But old habits die hard, and after so many years of being embarrassed the blush is practically a reflex.
“Wow, really?” Luhan says in surprise, and if it were anyone else Sehun would feel mildly offended but Luhan seems so earnest it doesn’t matter too much. “What kinds of things do you write?”
“Well, mostly poetry right now,” Sehun replies, eyes focused on his fingers curled around his cup. White steam curling out of brown paper, pale against the dusky tabletop. A study in dark and light. He’s been writing a lot of stuff like that recently. “But I really want to write novels someday.”
“Well, what’s stopping you?” Luhan asks, leaning back in his chair and taking a long, contemplative sip of coffee. “All you have to do is start writing.”
“It’s not that easy,” Sehun smirks, but Luhan’s words strike a match in his head that he didn’t even know was lying there, unused. Now that his mind is suddenly so clear, it seems almost like he could do it. Could just start writing and see what fell out onto the paper. See what he could create with his thoughts and his thoughts alone.
“I still think you could do it,” Luhan says, observing Sehun over the rim of his coffee cup. Strangely, instead of feeling like a beetle pinned beneath a microscope, Sehun suddenly feels like he’s expanding, body rushing to fill the space usually occupied by so many other people, and the words are spilling out of him faster than he can think, not even giving him time to focus on each individual sound before it’s swept up in the swells of language flowing around him.
“Could you give me a minute? I need to write something down,” Sehun manages to sputter, pulling his phone out of his pocket. Normally, he avoids writing on his phone at all costs-the screen is too small, its artificial glow dampens his spirits. But right now he just needs to write, needs to pour the words out of his mind, give them tangible form before they disappear completely.
“Take all the time you need,” Luhan says softly, and when Sehun manages to tear his eyes away from his screen, fingers still moving as rapidly as the small space will allow, he sees that Luhan is smiling at him affectionately, almost admiringly. It makes something warm start to blossom in Sehun’s chest, but before he has time to focus on it another burst of phrases slides into his mind and he’s tapping away, trying to catch the streamers of thought before they fly out of sight. Luhan can wait.
*
They go on two more dates-another meeting at the coffee shop, where Sehun feels oddly glad that Minseok’s not working, and one at a small noodle shop near Sehun’s apartment, where they order too much food and Luhan makes him laugh so hard he makes the table shake-before Sehun learns to carry a notebook and pencil with him any time he knows Luhan’s going to be around. He’s gotten better at handling it. He doesn’t make Luhan sit there and watch him writing anymore, instead waiting until Luhan’s out of sight, disappearing into the distance on a bus or in his beat-up car, before dropping down onto the nearest flat surface-bench, sidewalk, table-and yanking out sheets of paper, writing until his hand aches and the ink-black lines scrawled across the page have started to blur together. They don’t have any sense of coherency yet-they’re not poetry, and they’re not a novel-but Sehun can sense a story behind all of them, a sort of idea or memory binding them all together, and for now all he can do is try to follow it through to the end.
Even more slowly, Sehun begins to get used to Luhan, to having Luhan around. Sometimes he feels heavy pangs of guilt-when Luhan looks at him with those too-bright eyes, like Sehun is the most amazing person in the world, and Sehun knows he could never look back at him like that. When Sehun lolls half-asleep on the bus, head shifting back and forth on Luhan’s shoulder, and sees a pretty pink blush dusting Luhan’s cheeks, he wishes he could be the type of person who fell in love as easily as Luhan does.
“So, are you trying to tell me that you, Oh Sehun, are actually seriously dating someone?” Baekhyun asks one day as they’re standing together piling stacks of new arrivals on a table by the door. “What happened to all that bitterness, all the days when you could be counted on to remind me incessantly that ‘falling in love’ is stupid and not a real thing?”
“Maybe I’ve seen the error of my ways,” Sehun sniffs, considering dropping a book on Baekhyun’s foot but deciding against it. He’s feeling generous today. “Or maybe falling in love is stupid but it’s not something you decide, you know?”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun huffs moodily, shoving another cardboard box onto the table. Chanyeol’s annoyingly loud laughter floats up from the children’s fiction section. “I know.”
“You should really just say something to him,” Sehun says conversationally, keeping his eyes fixed on the book in front of him. “I’m pretty sure it would be well-received.”
He walks away feeling satisfied, Baekhyun’s astonished eyes pinned to his back as he tries to sort out exactly what gave him away. But the satisfaction fades somewhat when he remembers Baekhyun’s words. It’s true-Jongin always calls him the most cynical writer on the planet, and tells him that if he doesn’t believe in love what else was there to write about? But Sehun’s seen too many people thinking they’ve fallen in love and ending up with something poisonous, something painful and inadequate, when they thought they were chasing endless happiness. He’s not about to give in to that, no matter what he said to Baekhyun. Dating Luhan is just a convenient way to get some peace and quiet, a way to silence the hum of humanity around him and let him really feel like himself for once. That’s all it will ever be.
*
Two
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan
Rating: NC-17
Genre: fluff, sort of supernatural!au
Length: 23k
Summary: Sehun has never been able to get everyone else out of his head. This still doesn’t seem to explain how Luhan’s managed to expand until he fills all the space that’s left.
*
Wonder how old that kid is. He looks like he ought to be in school still. Is today a holiday or something?
Ah, I wonder if I should dye my hair. But then again, blond might not look as good on me as it does on him…
God, maybe I should have gotten flowers or something to show her I was really sorry, but roses are so expensive and it’s not like it’s a crime to spend a night out at the bar even if she did ask me to come straight home-
Hurry hurry hurry I wish this train would hurry the fuck up what if I get home and all the concert tickets are sold out shit shit shit I should have left earlier!
Sehun slides down further in his seat, jamming his headphones more firmly into his ears, and tries to relax and let the music drown out the endless buzzing in his head. The train starts to slow, and when it comes jerkily to a halt, Sehun hisses in pain as a small dark-haired girl stumbles sideways right onto his foot.
“Sorry! Sorry!” she mumbles before rushing out of the train, Sehun’s half-amused smile following her onto the rain-damp pavement. He hopes she gets tickets to that concert. He knows how attached people can get to their idols.
Maybe I should say something.
Sehun shoots the man sitting across the aisle from him his best bored-teenager smirk, daring him to ask why he isn’t in school. Not that Sehun would mind seeing the look of embarrassment spread across the man’s face when Sehun pulled out his ID and proved that he graduated from high school two years ago, but he doesn’t particularly want to talk to anyone today if he can help it. Today has been a bad day.
First, there’d been a ridiculous line at his favorite coffee shop, which meant he hadn’t had time to grab a latte before heading into work. And then Yixing had had the brilliant idea that they should reorganize the entire fiction section in an effort to “improve the energy flow within the store and draw people into the sections that most spoke to their souls.” And without coffee, Sehun was definitely not mentally or physically prepared to deal with Chanyeol’s unacceptable levels of enthusiasm or Baekhyun’s unacceptable levels of gay. Sehun makes it a point to dislike anyone who looks better in eyeliner than he does and this means he really doesn’t like Baekhyun. Not to mention that that new guy-Jongdae?-seems to be taking to Chanyeol and Baekhyun just a little too well, meaning that the three of them together are absolutely incorrigible and Sehun absolutely should not have to deal with all of them at once without either caffeine or alcohol in his system.
And then maybe she’ll smile and pull off her bathrobe and she won’t be wearing anything underneath. And she’ll walk up to me and grab my tie to pull me in for a kiss and I’ll-
Sehun shoots a disgruntled look at a man sitting a few rows in front of him. Okay, maybe train rides are pretty boring but couldn’t he keep his erotic fantasies to himself for five minutes? At least until Sehun got off? Some people. So inconsiderate.
Of course, Sehun thinks tiredly to himself, massaging his temples as he feels a headache building behind his eyes, it can’t really be inconsiderate if it’s involuntary. Not that that makes him feel any less ill. Chanyeol always teases him for having the emotional capacity of a box of rocks but Sehun’s currently very grateful for that. If it wasn’t the case he might be having a bit of a problem right now. And he doesn’t even like girls.
Luckily, the man gets off at the next stop and Sehun gulps in a large breath before telling himself once again to relax. The buzzing in his head is getting worse as the minutes inch by and the train begins to fill up with commuters heading home from work. Sehun just presses harder against his temples, turns up his music, and counts the number of stops left before he gets off. Thankfully, there’s only a few. He’s not sure he’d be able to take much more of this today.
To a monotonous accompaniment of the constant arguments about what do you want to have for dinner, why do you never come home on time, and when do you expect to get the heater fixed it’s almost December we’re going to freeze to death before you get over yourself and admit you can’t fix it, Sehun climbs the stairs to his apartment and fumbles with his keys, full-blown headache pounding at his forehead as he slides the door open and wearily presses it closed behind him.
Oh, god, I hope we still have some painkillers I don’t think I used them all up he’ll kill me if there aren’t any more obviously today’s been a bad day-
“You all right?” Jongin asks from where he’s leaning against the kitchen counter, sweatpants hanging low on his hips and thin tank top clinging tightly to every line of his body. Sehun snorts, falling ungracefully onto the living room sofa and burying his face in a pillow.
“You know, I’ve been better,” he says, words muffled by fabric, but he knows Jongin can hear him. “And you better not have finished all the painkillers no matter how much your waist hurts, I’m not in the mood to go buy more right now.”
“I, uh, let me check,” Jongin mumbles before guiltily turning on his heel and shuffling down the hallway towards the bathroom. Sehun listens to him go and squeezes his eyes tightly shut, appreciating the way the buzzing has faded to a low hum. The apartment may be cheap, but at least the walls are fairly thick.
Awesome! I knew I wouldn’t have finished them off without getting a new bottle from Taemin. Thank god, too, he looks pretty bad I wish he’d go see a doctor it can’t be normal to have headaches like that all the time...
Sehun extricates his arm from where it’s crushed against his chest and sticks it up over the back of the couch when he hears Jongin step back into the room, wrapping his fingers around the cool plastic of the pill bottle and groaning as he uses his other hand to shove himself upright.
“Still not going to see a doctor,” Sehun says conversationally, as he uncaps the bottle, shakes two pills out into his hand, and swallows them dry with a grimace. “I’m fine.”
“Sure you are,” Jongin sniffs, going back to his post against the counter and looking at Sehun with worry so palpable in his dark eyes even someone who wasn’t Sehun would be able to see it. “Because it’s totally normal for people who never do anything mentally or physically strenuous to get migraines all the time.”
“Hey!” Sehun snipes, folding his arms across his chest as a broad smile stretches across Jongin’s face. “I’ll have you know that I spent the entire day today carrying crates of badly written sci-fi novels from one side of the store to the other. That was strenuous!”
“Like you didn’t get Chanyeol to carry all the really heavy stuff,” Jongin smirks, and Sehun resists the urge to throw the pill bottle at his face. “Chanyeol actually lifts. And he’s such a sucker that all you and Baekhyun probably have to do is pout at him and he’ll do whatever you want.”
“Shut up,” Sehun moans in mock distress, letting his arms and head hang over the back of the couch. “You don’t know what I suffer! Especially with this new guy Yixing just hired. Jongdae. He’s worse than both Baekhyun and Chanyeol combined!”
“Oh, come on,” Jongin says, strolling over and petting Sehun’s head in a way that Sehun would never tolerate if he didn’t feel quite so awful and Jongin’s touch didn’t feel quite so soothing. “He can’t be that bad.” You can’t spend your whole life hating everyone.
“Just wait,” Sehun snorts, barely managing to prevent himself from saying, just watch me. “He’s as snarky as Baekhyun but nowhere near as fabulous. And he doesn’t like Murakami!”
“Well, that is truly unforgivable!” Jongin laughs, shoving Sehun’s head playfully and walking back over to the kitchen where he gulps from the glass of water he’d obvious filled just before Sehun got home. Wait, he isn’t the guy who wrote Sanshiro, right? Damn, I am so glad I’m not in university I’d be flunking out although I’ll never understand why Sehun didn’t go he loves that sort of thing-
“How can you not like Kafka on the Shore?” Sehun sighs, taking pity on Jongin. “It’s a classic! Or IQ84? Or even After Dark? He’s obviously a plebeian who only reads historical fiction or something. And Yixing decided he wants to rearrange the whole fiction section because someone gave him a book on feng shui and I want to find whoever it was and murder them.”
“Now, now,” Jongin says, yanking down his pathetic excuse for a shirt as it rides up, exposing the toned stomach Sehun’s always been secretly jealous of. “Don’t tell me about your murderous intentions! Then it’s premeditated and it carries a heavier sentence.”
“Oh, thanks so much Mr. Lawyer,” Sehun sniffs, rolling over so his head rests against the back of the couch. He can feel the painkillers starting to kick in, the throbbing buzz receding into the background of his thoughts. I really wonder though why he-maybe I should leave-think maybe we should order food-damn, why is my calf so sore-
“Ah, I am naught but a humble dancer,” Jongin says, lifting a hand dramatically as he presses the other to his heart. “All I know of the world I have learned from you, my most dedicated tutor-”
“Then how about you order your tutor some chicken and let me whine in peace?” Sehun asks, eyeing Jongin pointedly and then glancing at the phone sitting on the counter. He’s feeling much better by now but he knows that Jongin is a sucker for helping people when they’re not feeling well and he’ll milk it for all it’s worth.
“All right, all right,” Jongin says, smiling indulgently as he grabs his phone and types in a number he has memorized-should they be worried about that? it might say terrible things about their dietary habits-before pressing the phone to his ear and wandering into his bedroom as he starts talking. I hope. Chicken. Tired. What the. Socks. And then it’s silent.
Sehun sighs gratefully and heaves himself off of the couch, padding over to the kitchen and grabbing Jongin’s half-full glass of water. As he gulps down the lukewarm liquid, he lets his eyes wander aimlessly around the small apartment, alighting on Jongin’s shoes strewn haphazardly near the door, Sehun’s overflowing bookshelf standing against the wall next to the TV, several pairs of sweatpants and t-shirts piled in the middle of the hallway, probably because Jongin got distracted again on his way to do laundry.
Sehun’s phone buzzes, but when he looks at the screen and sees Junmyeon’s number, he just lets it ring. He’s really not in the mood for another lecture about how he’s wasting his life and if he would just go back to school and get a degree Junmyeon’s firm would be happy to hire him. Junmyeon’s always been the one who looked out for Sehun, who made sure he got to school on time, that he always had a uniform that fit, that no one made fun of him for being driven to school by a different friend every day because seriously didn’t he have his own home? But it’s been two years now, and still no one but Jongin seems to understand that Sehun was tired of the classes, tired of the purposeless struggle, tired of being stuck in the same room as hundreds of people he’ll never know well enough to like. He’s never wanted to be wealthy, to be the picture of success that Junmyeon is, with his fancy car and his fancy law firm job. Sehun just wants to write, and to read, and spend time with a few people he actually likes (despite how much he complains about them), and most of all he just wants to be left alone.
“Hey, I just remembered we don’t have any more ice cream, so I’m gonna go buy more,” Jongin says, and Sehun starts violently. No matter how often it happens nowadays, he’s still not used to people being able to sneak up on him.
“I thought you were supposed to be on a diet?” Sehun asks, eyeing Jongin sternly.
“Aww, and look at you, so concerned with my health,” Jongin replies sweetly, ignoring Sehun’s venomous glare. “But I am aware of that, and I don’t care. We have an audition coming up-Taemin thinks he can get us a gig as back-up dancers for some Chinese idol, especially since Minseok’s just come up with this brilliant choreography, like, it’s actually really awesome I’m super excited-and I need to be prepared for a celebration-”
“Okay, okay, tell me about it when you get back or else you’re never going to get that ice cream,” Sehun laughs, waving Jongin towards the door. Jongin gives him a big grin before bounding over, pulling on his shoes, and sliding out of the apartment, humming some song Sehun’s been hearing through the walls at all hours of the night recently, whenever Jongin decides he needs practice more than he does sleep.
As soon as the door clicks shut, Sehun’s surrounded by a thick, empty silence. It’s mesmerizing-all the more so since it’s so rare-and before he knows it Sehun finds his eyelids sliding shut, the couch feeling much more comfortable than usual when he thinks about the long hallway he’d have to walk down to get to his bedroom. He doesn’t wake until Jongin slams the front door open, protectively clutching a carton of mint chocolate chip to his chest, and even then it’s so quiet he’s not sure if he’s actually awake.
*
“And then the doors slammed closed right in his face!” Chanyeol guffaws loudly, slapping his thigh like he’s just told the funniest joke on earth.
“Do you think it says something about you that you find it so funny that someone ran for the train and missed it this morning?” Jongdae comments as he slides past the table where Chanyeol is sitting, readjusting the heavy box of hardcover cookbooks in his arms as he stops in front of the Cooking section. “Like, that you’re a terrible person?”
“It was funny!” Chanyeol whines, grin twisting into an exaggerated pout as he reaches out and grabs Baekhyun’s wrist as he passes by, dragging him backwards. “Baekhyun, tell him it was funny and that I’m a good person!”
“Okay, it was a little funny,” Baekhyun says, casually grabbing a book from the box Chanyeol’s sorting through and slapping Chanyeol hard on the forearm, smirking when he squeals in pain and releases Baekhyun’s wrist. “But the jury is still out on you being a good person. Don’t think we’ve all forgotten the frog incident.”
“Truth,” Sehun says with an enthusiastic nod as he sticks his head out from the end of the Travel aisle and narrows his eyes at Chanyeol. “I have never been so traumatized in my entire life.”
“So I make one bad decision and now you all have license to make fun of me forever?” Chanyeol complains, letting Baekhyun pat him condescendingly on the back. Sehun’s 99% sure he’s only allowing it because Baekhyun’s wearing skinny jeans today and Chanyeol would be an idiot to push Baekhyun away when he currently has such a perfect view of his perfect ass. Not that Sehun’s jealous or anything. Not at all. Pssh, he’s used to Baekhyun being prettier than him all the time, it’s totally fine.
“Hey!” Yixing yells, popping up from among the romantic novels. Everyone jumps in surprise. “Do we have a special section devoted to magical creatures?”
“What…does that even mean?” Jongdae asks curiously, eyeing the books Yixing’s waving around animatedly.
“You know, like vampires, werewolves, unicorns, mermaids, that kind of stuff,” Yixing sighs long-sufferingly, as if it should be obvious. Yixing’s mind tends to work in mysterious ways.
“Not that I know of,” Baekhyun says thoughtfully, putting his hands on his hips and raising an eyebrow. Everyone pretends not to see Chanyeol turn bright red. “Do you think it’s an important enough genre to separate from general fiction?”
“Baekhyun!” Yixing says in a scandalized tone, as if Baekhyun’s just questioned the importance of breathing, or making sure Chanyeol never eats sugar before 10am so no one tries to strangle him for being way too happy. “It’s unicorns. Of course it’s important!”
“Okay…” Baekhyun says, unconvinced, but Yixing’s already flitted off towards the Politics section to reshelve some autobiographies. Jongdae shrugs and goes to get another box as Chanyeol continues to separate books about grilling from books about baking. Sehun refocuses his attention on the display in front of him. It’s supposed to be “Poetry for Spring” but he’s not entirely sure which collections he wants to include. Would it be cheating to just throw in all the new-ish anthologies that didn’t sell very well during the winter? He’s deciding whether or not Yixing will notice, or mind, if a few of the books in the display have artsy pictures of snow-covered forests on the covers when the painkillers he took this morning start wearing off. Damn.
I can’t believe people buy this trash. A five-year-old could have written this! No plot, no character development, zero imagery-
I think I could be a really good griller. Is that what you call people who grill things? Grillers? Hmm. I like grilled meat a lot though. I should get a grill. I wonder how much a little hibachi grill would cost. I wonder if Baekhyun likes grilled meat. Does anyone not like grilled meat? Besides vegetarians, I guess, they probably wouldn’t.
Honestly, how can we not have had a section for all these books before? They’re half our fiction section at this point-true, some are not quite up to my demanding literary standards but we have to appeal to the desires of the masses, don’t we, and this is a perfect way to do that…
Damn it, why are these shelves so tall? Great. Maybe I should ask Chanyeol for help. But he’s busy, I don’t want to bother him. Maybe I should ask Sehun. He’s obviously not doing anything important, I hardly think standing there staring at a book of poems counts as work. I like that outfit, though, I say if you’re going to show the waistband of your briefs be classy about it, it’s all about a classy waistband-
Hurriedly yanking at his pants to try to pull them up even more than they already are, Sehun turns as Baekhyun approaches and starts talking before he can even open his mouth.
“Sorry, one minute, can’t help you right now I have to go to the bathroom!” Sehun babbles before turning on his heel and rushing off towards the back of the store, ducking into the employee’s lounge and quickly stepping into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him. The buzzing in his head is getting louder with every passing second and Sehun swears angrily, rummaging in his pocket and swearing louder when he realizes that he forgot to bring the painkillers with him this morning. He knows it’s really not advisable to spend all of his time hyped up on drugs but sometimes he just wants a quiet day, a day when he doesn’t have to deal with anyone except himself. Obviously, today is not going to be that day.
Groaning, Sehun splashes water on his face, frowning at the way it makes his cheeks turn pink and blotchy, before yanking open the door and plodding back into the store. Yixing’s opened the store by now, and there are already at least five different people browsing the shelves, plus one kid sitting in the middle of the manga aisle. Sehun smirks as he passes by on his way to the register, where Yixing wants him to be. It’s amusing how embarrassed some boys are about being intrigued by shoujo, jumping whenever anyone passes by as if the look on their faces can tell that they’re not actually interested in back issues of Bleach.
“And is that going to be all for today?” Sehun asks pleasantly, sliding behind the cash register and smoothly ringing up the two books on bird identification that the kindly-looking old man in line holds out to him. He sees Yixing rounding the corner, about to yell, before he sees Sehun already at the cashier and stops short, mouth slamming closed. Sehun gives him a quick smirk before sliding the books into a bag and wishing the man in front of him a pleasant day. Yixing disappears back into the aisles muttering to himself about unreliable employees and hoping Sehun doesn’t scare away customers with his face. Sehun honestly doesn’t understand why everyone goes on about his face. It’s not that bad.
“Just so you know, I’ve always had a soft spot for Bokura Ga Ita too,” he says with a wink to the boy from the manga aisle, handing him his new installment of One Piece and grinning when the boy blushes a deep red.
He’s already in the process of ringing up the next customer in line when his hands suddenly still, fingers clasped tightly around the spine of the book he’s holding. For a disorienting second he can’t figure out what’s changed, only senses that something is very, very wrong. His head is spinning and he feels strangely off-balance.
“Everything all right?” the man in front of him asks, dark eyes earnestly scanning Sehun’s face. The man’s honey-colored bangs fall forward and he huffs out an exasperated breath to try to push them back into place. Sehun runs a hand through his own hair, which suddenly seems garishly blond in comparison, and blinks several times to try to clear his head. And that’s when he figures it out.
It’s silent. Everything. He can’t hear anything but the soft classical music playing over the store speakers, because Yixing insists pop music is for plebeians no matter how much Baekhyun begs and Chanyeol suggests alternative rock bands he’s sure Yixing will love.
“You sure you’re all right? You look kind of pale,” the man says again, leaning slightly forward and squinting into Sehun’s face. Sehun involuntarily backs away before he remembers that this man is just some random customer, that there’s no way he could possibly have anything to do with the disconcerting silence.
“What? No! No, I’m fine,” Sehun manages to stutter, punching buttons on the register automatically, somehow managing to give the man the right amount of change. “Thanks for, uh, shopping. Here. Have a nice day!”
“You should get some sleep,” the man says kindly as he gathers up his book. “You really don’t look quite well. Have a good day.”
Sehun can’t stop himself from staring after him, mouth hanging open in a way he knows probably looks extremely unattractive and maybe a bit mentally unstable. The man’s soft voice echoes in his mind, and as Sehun studies his retreating form he has to admit that the man is kind of very pretty. But Sehun doesn’t have any more time to contemplate this before the man is out the door and suddenly a wave of sound crashes over him, sending him reeling. He braces himself against the counter, squeezing his eyes shut as bits of conversation, half-finished arguments, insecure murmurs, and confident boasts flood him, the buzz pounding in his ears as if in retaliation for the period of silence.
“Are you all right?” Yixing asks in concern when he sees Sehun clutching the counter with white knuckles. Oh, god, I hope he doesn’t have the flu I’ve been so careful, I haven’t taken the train for an entire month because it’s flu season, figures that one of my employees would be a carrier of disease and plague-
“I don’t have the flu,” Sehun growls before he can stop himself, and without letting Yixing do more than shoot him a surprised look he’s slipping out from behind the counter, walking purposefully through the door and out onto the busy sidewalk. Even though his head feels like it’s being split in two, he tries to relax. Letting the noise fill him, he begins to sort through the melee, searching for any mention of the man from before. It helps that the man’s attractive, Sehun thinks wryly, as he heads towards the grocery store a block down where a young woman is staring shyly at the man and wondering if he has a girlfriend.
It’s not until Sehun has raced into the store and tracked the man into the produce section when, standing on the opposite side of a display full of plums, he remembers that he really doesn’t have any semblance of a plan. What is he going to say? Oh, hello, my name is Sehun can I please just follow you around for a while because I’m sick of having headaches?
“Oh, hello,” the man standing across from him says in surprise as he looks up and sees Sehun staring blankly at him from across the rows of purple plums. Sehun jumps, mind wildly jumping to the conclusion that the man knows what he’s thinking, before he realizes that that’s probably impossible. Right?
“I’m Sehun!” Sehun blurts out, and immediately wishes he could fall face-first into the plums and never re-emerge.
“Luhan,” the man says in bemusement, eyeing Sehun thoughtfully. “And you’re still wearing your nametag, you know.”
“Shit!” Sehun swears angrily as he looks down and sees the small metal plaque pinned to his shirt. “I mean. Sorry! That’s not. Um.”
“Did I forget something at the store?” the man-Luhan, apparently-prompts, lifting a curious hand like he’s expecting Sehun to hand him a pair of sunglasses or a wallet.
“No,” Sehun says, a bit too dazedly, because his mind feels so empty, like someone has thrown buckets of white paint over all the crazy colors and whirling patterns and Sehun’s always hated blank white walls but this, this feels strangely soothing.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Luhan asks sympathetically, cocking his head to the side as he watches Sehun struggle to get his face under control. It’s much more difficult than expected, when he’s torn between marveling in this newfound silence, trying to avoid every annoyed grandmother squeezing past him, and attempting not to think about how pretty Luhan is. Because he’s really pretty. Really.
“Yes! I am!” Sehun says quickly, pausing to shoot a glare at some angry mother who’d just rammed into him “accidentally” with her cart. “But can we talk somewhere where I’m not being a roadblock?”
Luhan gives a slight nod, which Sehun decides is good enough, and then he’s hurrying off towards the back of the store, hoping that Luhan decides to follow him and not just run off as soon as his back is turned. As it turns out, he doesn’t even need to turn around to see if Luhan’s following. The continued silence is answer enough.
“Do I know you or something?” Luhan asks thoughtfully, brow wrinkling as he leans against a shelf full of packaged breads and stares hard at Sehun’s face as if willing himself to remember him. Sehun shifts awkwardly and reaches up a hand to try to straighten his hair before realizing that it’s probably useless.
“I don’t think so,” Sehun says slowly, because he’s still not quite sure where he wants this conversation to go. Why oh why couldn’t he just have stayed in the store and saved himself all this awkwardness? So he would have lost the only chance he might ever have to live a normal life but so what? It’s not like this is going to be a productive conversation anyway. What could he possibly say: please stay with me forever? That’s not the sort of thing you say to complete strangers, especially if you don’t want to get arrested. Sehun most definitely does not want to get arrested. Yixing had to spend the night in jail once for public indecency (go figure) and it had taken an entire month of stress-reorganizing the store to return him to his usual state of cheerfulness.
“Then why did you follow me here?” Luhan asks, and now he looks a bit nervous, like he’s finally realized how creepy this situation is and is thinking about walloping Sehun over the head with his shopping basket and making a break for it. Damn, Sehun wishes he knew if that’s what he was really thinking. This conversation thing is much harder when he doesn’t know at least ten seconds beforehand what the other person’s going to say.
“Um…I just…” Sehun begins, but then he sees a young woman walking past them, calling out to a handsome man inspecting a tray of muffins, and it all clicks into place. Perfect. “I just wanted to see if you wanted to get a coffee. Sometime.”
“Coffee?” Luhan asks in confusion, narrowing his eyes again, and Sehun almost wants to wallop himself over the head with a shopping basket because he is not supposed to be thinking about how cute Luhan looks when he does that. Luhan has something Sehun wants and Sehun is going to make sure he gets it. That’s all.
“It’s all the rage these days, I hear,” Sehun says with a broad grin, confidence sliding back now that he has a Plan. “But if you’re a fan of tea I wouldn’t say no to that either.”
“I just. You don’t even know me!” Luhan hisses, looking around as if expecting some village elder to pop up from among the pastries and demand Sehun adhere to the Rules of Courtship before taking Luhan out for a coffee.
“Hence the coffee,” Sehun explains, and feels slightly victorious when Luhan gives him a wry smile. “I’d like to get to know you. If that’s what you want, of course.”
“What gave it away?” Luhan asks tiredly, and Sehun lifts an eyebrow in confusion. “It’s because I look like a fucking girl, isn’t it. God, I hate my life sometimes.”
“What are you-” Sehun starts, but Luhan just keeps talking. Okay, so maybe that’s a little annoying but Sehun can get used to it. It’s a lot less annoying than being forced to listen to other people’s sexual fantasies as they pick out bunches of bananas.
“And I mean, maybe I don’t hate it, because it means I get dates with really attractive people like you, oh god did I just say that out loud? Um. I mean. Let’s pretend that didn’t happen, okay? What I meant was, I don’t know why people assume I’m into guys just because I’m not the most manly-looking because I am manly, I swear! I just-”
“Look,” Sehun says quickly, deciding this has gone on long enough. He’s surprised, but oddly pleased, when Luhan immediately stops talking, staring at Sehun with wide eyes. “I asked you to get coffee with me because you’re fucking gorgeous and you seemed like a really nice person. That’s all. So what do you say?”
“One second!” Luhan laughs, a bit breathlessly, before reaching into his cart for an ad, pulling a pen out of his pocket, and scribbling down some numbers before thrusting the paper at Sehun. “Call me, okay? I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
“Will do,” Sehun says with an only mildly suggestive grin, and he wants to punch himself in the face because who does that but it makes Luhan blush as he rushes away back towards the vegetable section, so maybe it wasn’t a terrible mistake.
The exact moment he steps out of the store, everything comes roaring back.
Sehun stumbles and almost falls before he manages to catch himself against the side of a nearby building, ignoring the passersby throwing him worried glances. He groans as words and pictures spill over the edges of his mind, filling him so full he feels like he’s about to explode. It hurts, and it takes all of Sehun’s willpower not to rush back into the store and cling to Luhan just to make it all go away.
He can do this. He has to do this.
When he finally totters back to the store, he manages to stick his tongue out at an extremely annoyed Baekhyun working the register before he’s forced to follow a mildly murderous stream of images to where Yixing is stacking and re-stacking a pile of poetry collections whose covers sport very spring-like pictures of flowers and trees.
“And where the hell did you go?” Yixing shrieks and Sehun winces, wishing that Yixing didn’t watch quite so many horror movies. Sehun’s not mentally prepared to deal with those kind of terrifying images, especially when he’s been cast as the victim. He always makes Jongin change the channel when those types of movies come on.
“I had to…take care of something. It was urgent. And personal,” Sehun says shortly, rubbing at his temples in a way that’s about as effective as standing in the middle of a snowstorm and trying to melt it with a couple of handwarmers.
“Your whole damn family better have been dying,” Yixing growls, brandishing a hardcover in Sehun’s face, before he takes a moment to think about what he’s said and stops. “Okay, I didn’t mean that. Everything’s okay, right? Right? Oh, god, is your whole family actually dying I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it do you need some time to recover-”
“Yixing,” Sehun says loudly, rubbing even harder at his temples. “Everything’s fine now. And it won’t happen again. I promise.”
“Really?” Yixing asks suspiciously. “You promise?”
“Yup,” Sehun says, sparing a few seconds to drag a finger in an “X” across his chest before returning it to his head. “Cross my heart.”
“Okay, then,” Yixing says grumpily, turning back to his display. “Now go find Chanyeol and stop him from listening to anything Jongdae says. I swear, if I find him shelving everything in the wrong place because he didn’t realize that idiot thought it would be funny to switch the shelf labels, someone’s going to get hurt.”
Oh, please, like we don’t all know you went to chase after that hot piece of ass that walked in here a little while ago. Transparent bastard. I fucking hate having to work the register.
For the rest of the day, Sehun is careful to direct all the most difficult, querulous customers to the register.
“Oh, I’m so sorry!” he says, eyes widening in the way he knows makes him look much younger than he actually is. “But you should really go talk to Byun Baekhyun, up at the front? He’d be more than happy to help you with all of your problems!”
When Baekhyun storms out at the end of the day, thinking some very uncharitable things about Sehun, Sehun just barely has enough energy left to grin vindictively. It’s so worth it, even if the movement of his jaw sends a splitting pain through his head. It’s not every day he has a legitimate reason to be a brat to Baekhyun, so he has to savor every moment.
*
“Is it all right if I leave a little early?” Sehun asks hesitantly, a few days later, as if he’s not already sure Yixing’s in a good mood and he’d probably say yes if Sehun asked him if they could buy a pet hamster to be the store mascot.
“Hmm? What? Leave? Yeah, sure!” Yixing laughs airily, sliding a hand along the spines of the books on the shelves he’s walking past, pausing once in a while to slide one out and gaze at it affectionately before placing it back in its spot.
“Thanks!” Sehun says brightly, practically running out of the store to a cloud of vindictive swearing from Baekhyun, good-natured interest from Chanyeol, and not a single thought from Jongdae, who’s currently back in the break room replacing Chanyeol’s bottle of hand lotion with glue and snickering in a completely evil way. Sehun reminds himself never to get on Jongdae’s bad side.
He feels ridiculously excited to finally meet up with Luhan-just not, he thinks wryly, for the reasons most people are excited when going on a first date. He couldn’t care less about Luhan. Sure, he’s attractive, but he’s not really Sehun’s type-much too sweet and…happy. Sehun’s an artist, after all, he likes people with depth, and Luhan looks to have about as much depth as a puddle. But Sehun’s migraines have been getting worse all week, as if to punish him for the brief respite he had during his meeting with Luhan, and all he wants is to get every last person out of his head.
He walks into the coffee shop they’d planned to meet at, but as he scans the tables he doesn’t see Luhan’s golden hair and so decides to just find a seat himself and wait. He flops into a chair near the back of the shop, ignoring the typical “shouldn’t you be in school” looks and narrowly preventing himself from grinning seductively at the girl sitting a few tables away who thinks some very flattering things about his ass. He’s done that more than enough times to realize that it’s never a good idea. Even if Sehun were interested, it’s not exactly the best way to meet someone.
It feels like he’s been waiting forever, leg jiggling up and down as he waits for Luhan to show. But when Sehun looks at his watch he sees that it’s actually only been five minutes. He tries to focus, picking up the thread of the man working at the cashier, because he looks vaguely familiar and it’s killing him that he can’t remember where he’s seen him before. Unfortunately, the man is being singularly unhelpful, never letting his mind wander from the long list of drinks he’s supposed to be making, and Sehun sighs in disgust.
Luckily, this is when Luhan finally decides to show up-a whole six minutes late, Sehun thinks as he glares at his watch before settling his face into an acceptably happy expression.
“Sorry I’m late!” Luhan sighs quickly, hurrying over as soon as he spots Sehun’s pale head bobbing towards him through the crowd. “I was taking the bus and it had to make an extra stop.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Sehun says smoothly, because now there really is nothing to worry about. He feels like he’s just dived into the ocean in the middle of a hot summer day-everything is deliciously light and cool.
“Did you already order?” Luhan asks, awkwardly gesturing towards the register with a small apologetic smile curling his lips.
“Nope!” Sehun responds cheerfully, before stepping past Luhan and beginning to walk towards the maddeningly familiar barista. “I was waiting for you.”
After Sehun’s done, Luhan steps up to the register and gives his order to the man standing there. But then he says something else, and the man laughs, and then Luhan says something else and the man reaches out to ruffle Luhan’s hair and all of a sudden Sehun is rather upset about the fact that he has no idea what’s going on. He has to wait until Luhan decides to wave goodbye and wander over to where Sehun is standing. He’s smiling widely, hands reaching up to smooth down his rumpled hair, and Sehun feels oddly annoyed.
“You know him?” Sehun asks in what he hopes is a nonchalant tone, though inside he’s writhing with curiosity. He’s never had to deal with a mystery like this. Never had to depend on someone else for information about their conversations. Maybe it’s made him complacent.
“Oh!” Luhan says, as if just remembering that Sehun’s standing beside him. “Yeah, that’s Minseok. We went to university together. I haven’t seen him in forever, it’s so weird running into him here.”
“Oh, Minseok,” Sehun breathes. Mystery solved.
“You know him too?” Luhan asks curiously, eyes bright as they meet Sehun’s own. It’s almost too much, too bright, and Sehun can only handle it for a few moments before he has to drop his eyes to his hands.
“Yeah, he’s on the same dance team as my friend Jongin,” he replies, chancing another glance at Luhan, and this time he’s actually able to keep eye contact. Maybe it’s just something he’ll have to get used to.
“Oh, so that’s what he’s doing now!” Luhan laughs happily. “I’m so glad. He always loved dancing, but he was never sure he could make a career out of it.”
“Well, what about you?” Sehun asks, suddenly remembering that this is a date, and they’re probably not supposed to spend the entire time talking about mutual friends. “What do you do?”
For the first time since he’s met him-which admittedly, isn’t very long-Sehun sees Luhan’s eyes darken. He looks so tired, and a little sad, and Sehun is abruptly sorry that he asked, though it was a perfectly normal question.
“I mean, if you don’t want to talk about work, we don’t-you know,” Sehun says lamely, suddenly wishing Minseok would hurry up with those drinks so he’d have something in his hands to toy with.
“No, it’s fine, it’s a typical first date question, right?” Luhan says, flashing Sehun a tight grin. “I mean, if this even is a date. It’s just. I always seem to have a much less interesting job than most people. I work for a real estate agency, mostly doing secretary work really.”
“Well, nothing wrong with that!” Sehun says quickly, because even though he’s not quite sure why, he knows he doesn’t want Luhan to keep looking that sad. It’s making his stomach flop uncomfortably. “I mean, I work in a bookstore, so my life definitely isn’t more interesting than yours.”
“I don’t know, those co-workers of yours seemed like real characters,” Luhan says, and this time his smile is real, and bright, and it makes Sehun want to blink.
“Ha, I guess so,” Sehun smirks, fondly remembering the look on Baekhyun’s face last week when Jongdae and Chanyeol had teamed up to force him into a dress in the employee’s lounge, claiming that it would help them sell more books. Baekhyun had managed to land a punch on Jongdae that left him sputtering in the corner, but his inexplicable weakness for Chanyeol’s weird meant that Sehun managed to take photographic evidence of the whole event before Baekhyun shoved Chanyeol away and tore off the pink flowery fabric. “But it’s not like I want to work there forever either, you know?”
“Oh?” Luhan asks, walking up to grab their coffees when Minseok finally brings them over. The two of them exchange smiles that Sehun doesn’t quite like before Luhan’s sitting back down. Sehun’s surprised to see that Luhan drinks his coffee black. He’d pegged him as a sugary latte kind of guy-sort of like Jongin, who always seems to get very little coffee once they finish cramming all the other unhealthy ingredients into the cup.
“I want to be a writer,” Sehun admits, fighting the blush threatening to crawl its way up into his cheeks. He’s not supposed to be embarrassed about this anymore! He’d promised himself that when he moved out on his own and started working at the bookstore. But old habits die hard, and after so many years of being embarrassed the blush is practically a reflex.
“Wow, really?” Luhan says in surprise, and if it were anyone else Sehun would feel mildly offended but Luhan seems so earnest it doesn’t matter too much. “What kinds of things do you write?”
“Well, mostly poetry right now,” Sehun replies, eyes focused on his fingers curled around his cup. White steam curling out of brown paper, pale against the dusky tabletop. A study in dark and light. He’s been writing a lot of stuff like that recently. “But I really want to write novels someday.”
“Well, what’s stopping you?” Luhan asks, leaning back in his chair and taking a long, contemplative sip of coffee. “All you have to do is start writing.”
“It’s not that easy,” Sehun smirks, but Luhan’s words strike a match in his head that he didn’t even know was lying there, unused. Now that his mind is suddenly so clear, it seems almost like he could do it. Could just start writing and see what fell out onto the paper. See what he could create with his thoughts and his thoughts alone.
“I still think you could do it,” Luhan says, observing Sehun over the rim of his coffee cup. Strangely, instead of feeling like a beetle pinned beneath a microscope, Sehun suddenly feels like he’s expanding, body rushing to fill the space usually occupied by so many other people, and the words are spilling out of him faster than he can think, not even giving him time to focus on each individual sound before it’s swept up in the swells of language flowing around him.
“Could you give me a minute? I need to write something down,” Sehun manages to sputter, pulling his phone out of his pocket. Normally, he avoids writing on his phone at all costs-the screen is too small, its artificial glow dampens his spirits. But right now he just needs to write, needs to pour the words out of his mind, give them tangible form before they disappear completely.
“Take all the time you need,” Luhan says softly, and when Sehun manages to tear his eyes away from his screen, fingers still moving as rapidly as the small space will allow, he sees that Luhan is smiling at him affectionately, almost admiringly. It makes something warm start to blossom in Sehun’s chest, but before he has time to focus on it another burst of phrases slides into his mind and he’s tapping away, trying to catch the streamers of thought before they fly out of sight. Luhan can wait.
*
They go on two more dates-another meeting at the coffee shop, where Sehun feels oddly glad that Minseok’s not working, and one at a small noodle shop near Sehun’s apartment, where they order too much food and Luhan makes him laugh so hard he makes the table shake-before Sehun learns to carry a notebook and pencil with him any time he knows Luhan’s going to be around. He’s gotten better at handling it. He doesn’t make Luhan sit there and watch him writing anymore, instead waiting until Luhan’s out of sight, disappearing into the distance on a bus or in his beat-up car, before dropping down onto the nearest flat surface-bench, sidewalk, table-and yanking out sheets of paper, writing until his hand aches and the ink-black lines scrawled across the page have started to blur together. They don’t have any sense of coherency yet-they’re not poetry, and they’re not a novel-but Sehun can sense a story behind all of them, a sort of idea or memory binding them all together, and for now all he can do is try to follow it through to the end.
Even more slowly, Sehun begins to get used to Luhan, to having Luhan around. Sometimes he feels heavy pangs of guilt-when Luhan looks at him with those too-bright eyes, like Sehun is the most amazing person in the world, and Sehun knows he could never look back at him like that. When Sehun lolls half-asleep on the bus, head shifting back and forth on Luhan’s shoulder, and sees a pretty pink blush dusting Luhan’s cheeks, he wishes he could be the type of person who fell in love as easily as Luhan does.
“So, are you trying to tell me that you, Oh Sehun, are actually seriously dating someone?” Baekhyun asks one day as they’re standing together piling stacks of new arrivals on a table by the door. “What happened to all that bitterness, all the days when you could be counted on to remind me incessantly that ‘falling in love’ is stupid and not a real thing?”
“Maybe I’ve seen the error of my ways,” Sehun sniffs, considering dropping a book on Baekhyun’s foot but deciding against it. He’s feeling generous today. “Or maybe falling in love is stupid but it’s not something you decide, you know?”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun huffs moodily, shoving another cardboard box onto the table. Chanyeol’s annoyingly loud laughter floats up from the children’s fiction section. “I know.”
“You should really just say something to him,” Sehun says conversationally, keeping his eyes fixed on the book in front of him. “I’m pretty sure it would be well-received.”
He walks away feeling satisfied, Baekhyun’s astonished eyes pinned to his back as he tries to sort out exactly what gave him away. But the satisfaction fades somewhat when he remembers Baekhyun’s words. It’s true-Jongin always calls him the most cynical writer on the planet, and tells him that if he doesn’t believe in love what else was there to write about? But Sehun’s seen too many people thinking they’ve fallen in love and ending up with something poisonous, something painful and inadequate, when they thought they were chasing endless happiness. He’s not about to give in to that, no matter what he said to Baekhyun. Dating Luhan is just a convenient way to get some peace and quiet, a way to silence the hum of humanity around him and let him really feel like himself for once. That’s all it will ever be.
*
Two