Let Me Tell You About Silence (2/3)
One
*
“Do you want ice cream?” Jongin asks as he puts down his video game controller and makes his way over to the kitchen. Sehun, tongue clenched between his teeth as he tries to beat his own high score, waits until he’s finished destroying all his virtual opponents before turning around and hanging over the back of the couch.
“No, but even if I did I’m pretty sure that ravenous swarm of locusts you call your dance team finished off the mint chocolate chip the other day,” Sehun laughs, and it isn’t until he realizes that Jongin isn’t laughing too that he looks up and sees Jongin eyeing him strangely.
“One day you’re really going to have to tell me how you do that,” Jongin huffs, narrowing his eyes. Sehun laughs nervously, still not sure entirely what he’s talking about.
“Right…” he says slowly. “Do what exactly?”
“How did you know I was going to ask you if you wanted ice cream?” Jongin yells, throwing up his hands in disbelief. “I wasn’t even sure what I wanted until I got in here and I hadn’t even said anything yet!”
Damn.
“Luck guess?” Sehun says with a steady smile. “Let’s be honest, you eat more of that stuff than you should, and when we’re playing video games it’s always either ice cream or potato chips with you.”
Unfortunately, Jongin seems unconvinced. He’s still staring hard at Sehun in a way that is very uncomfortable, because Sehun usually doesn’t make mistakes like this and he can’t believe that he’s kept this secret from Jongin for six years only to slip now. He even made it through puberty without tripping up! And that was a pretty stressful time, what with he and Jongin and basically everyone in their entire class having extremely inappropriate thoughts about 80% of the time.
“No, it’s more than that,” Jongin says thoughtfully, and Sehun really does not like where this is going. “Like that time last year when I got accepted to the dance team and you congratulated me the minute I got home before I even told you.”
“Taemin told me?” Sehun tries, and Jongin gives him a look.
“You barely even knew Taemin. And what about that time in junior year when we were kind of drunk and playing truth or dare and Junmyeon dared you to guess who I had a crush on and not only did you get it right, but you also told everyone about Junmyeon’s crush on Kyunhyun that literally no one knew about.”
“Oh, come on, Jongin, it’s not like you’re particularly subtle about people you like. Everyone knew you were into Krystal. And Junmyeon. Told me about that...a few years ago. Before he graduated.”
“Junmyeon,” Jongin snorts. “Junmyeon, who never talks about his feelings unless you drag it out of him with a whole herd of wild horses, just decided to volunteer the information that he had totally gay feelings for one of his best friends-a friend who was like six years older than us so we had never actually met him.”
“Yup,” Sehun says sarcastically, rolling back to face the TV screen so he doesn’t have to look at Jongin’s face. He just has to keep cool. Keep cool and this will all blow over.
“What about that time when we were at that party and Minho was being a little bitch to me about how he should be featured more in our dances and you walked over and dragged me away right when I was about to punch him in his stupid face? There is no way you could have known what we were talking about! You were all the way across the room, and it was loud as fuck, I could barely hear Minho, much less anyone else.”
“Oh, come on, I saw you two glaring at each other and I know you have a penchant for trying to punch people who make you mad, despite the fact that it never ends well for you,” Sehun lies smoothly, even though Jongin is now walking out of the kitchen towards him, shouting all the while.
“Or that Christmas! Senior year! When you just came into my room and asked me if I wanted to rent an apartment with you! I hadn’t told anyone I wasn’t going to go to college, that I was dropping out to dance-fuck, I hadn’t even really decided it myself until that day, and there you were acting like you already knew, like you already had everything planned-”
“Look, Jongin,” Sehun says loudly, trying to cut through Jongin’s rant. “So maybe I made a few lucky guesses. I’m just an observant person, okay? And it helps that my best friend is you, and your feelings are written all over your face-it’s not exactly hard to figure out what you’re thinking. God, I’m not Kyungsoo, I’m not oblivious!”
Sehun immediately realizes he’s made a mistake when Jongin’s whole face turns bright red and he stops breathing.
“I mean, what? Haha, I actually really need to go to the bathroom,” Sehun laughs awkwardly, and he’s just about to slide past Jongin when Jongin reaches out an arm and grabs the collar of his shirt, practically throwing him back onto the couch.
Fuck.
“How,” Jongin says pleasantly, sitting down on the couch next to Sehun. Sehun tries to discreetly scoot farther away but mostly doesn’t succeed. “How. The fuck. Do you know about Kyungsoo.”
“I-I don’t!” Sehun laughs loudly, once more trying to stand up only to have Jongin grab the back of his shirt and yank him down. “Who’s Kyungsoo?”
“You little bitch,” Jongin says, and when Sehun chances a glance at him he sees that Jongin’s face is twisted into a strange sort of expression. He looks like he might burst out laughing or crying at any moment. “There is literally no fucking way you could know about Kyungsoo. I’ve-I mean we’ve-I mean. We haven’t even been on a date. He doesn’t even know I like him. Fuck, I’m pretending to be interested in joining Junmyeon’s stupid law firm just so I can go see him! Nobody knows about him. What is going on?”
“Okay,” Sehun says, leaning back against the cushions and staring hard at the ceiling, willing his breathing to settle into something less “fight-or-flight” and more “calm-talk-with-best-friend-about-weird-supernatural-abilities.” Those aren’t the same thing, right?
“Okay, what?” Jongin huffs, crossing his arms over his chest, and Sehun wants to remind him that he looks like a four-year-old when he does that but he figures now is not the time.
“Okay, okay, okay,” Sehun repeats, because he has no idea how to start. The last time he tried to tell anyone about his…thing…he’d been ten years old and his mom had forced him to go talk to a therapist for months afterwards. Just another thing for the kids at school to make fun of him for, no big deal. There’s nothing like being told by your parents that you’re mentally unstable and potentially dangerous to other people.
“If that’s all you’re going to say, I might have to start punching you,” Jongin says sweetly, and Sehun sighs loudly to shut him up.
“All right, fine, here it is,” Sehun says, and he finally decides the best way to say it is just to say it. “You’re right. I’m not…normal. I’m not like other people.”
“Wow, that doesn’t sound narcissistic at all,” Jongin sniffs moodily, and Sehun lets a tiny grin slip onto his face because only Jongin could make this seem more like talking about some high school crush than a Big Serious Issue.
“I’ve always been able to do it,” Sehun continues. “I wish I knew how to control it, because most of the time it’s awful. But I can’t, it just happens whether I like it or not, and eventually I figured out that painkillers can stop it, or really any drug that messes with the signals that get sent to my brain, but I can’t spend all my time on drugs, I’ve already tried that and it didn’t work too well-”
“GET TO THE POINT!” Jongin suddenly shouts, and Sehun actually jumps, so busy talking that he forgot to listen for the thread of Jongin’s thoughts among the background hum.
“I can…read people’s minds? Sort of?” Sehun mutters, and he sees Jongin actually do a double-take. It would be hilarious if he wasn’t so afraid of Jongin suddenly running out of the apartment and never coming back. Or calling the police. Or the mental hospital.
“You can read people’s minds,” Jongin says dully, and Sehun winces, because Jongin’s started to think more in pictures than words and that only happens when he’s either really excited or really angry. “Holy fuck, you can read people’s minds?”
“I mean, I guess that’s what I should call it?” Sehun says warily, not sure whether he should be worried that Jongin’s taking this so well. “It’s more just like I can hear people’s thoughts?”
“Wait, how many people’s? Everyone’s?” Jongin asks, sounding oddly impressed, and Sehun is encouraged by the fact that none of the pictures flashing through his mind involve Jongin running away or Sehun being hauled anywhere. “And you can’t stop it? So you’re just always hearing everyone’s thoughts? Can you hear the thoughts of everyone on the planet?”
“I don’t think so,” Sehun says, wrinkling his nose in amusement. Trust Jongin to see this more as a cool addition to the plotline of his life than something terrifying and privacy-invading. “And I mean, even if I could, people think in their own language so I wouldn’t be able to understand them anyway. It’s just like…I can hear the people around me. So the closer you are, the easier it is to hear your thoughts. Physical barriers make it harder to hear, and so does distance.”
So, how far could I go before you wouldn’t be able to hear my thoughts anymore?
“I don’t know,” Sehun says calmly, deciding that if he’s going to do this he might as well go all in. “I’ve never actually tried focusing on a single person’s thoughts long enough for me to tell where the limits are. To be honest, I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure out how to get rid of other people’s thoughts, not spend more time with them.”
“This is so cool,” Jongin whispers in awe, and Sehun fights the urge to roll his eyes. “But wait. Waiiiiiittttt...”
Sehun winces again, because he knew they’d get there eventually, and this is why he’s prepared with a pillow shield when Jongin jumps at him, howling and trying to pummel any bit of Sehun that he can reach.
“GOD. DAMN. IT. OH. SEHUN. DO. YOU. REALIZE. HOW. MANY. INAPPROPRIATE. THOUGHTS. I. HAVE. HAD. IN. MY. LIFE. AND. YOU’RE. TELLING. ME. YOU. HEARD. ALL. OF. THEM??”
“Fuck, calm down!” Sehun yells, still trying to use the pillow to ward off Jongin’s blows, though they’re getting weaker as Jongin starts laughing so hard he has trouble catching his breath.
“Oh, man,” Jongin snickers, finally sliding off of Sehun’s cowering form and back onto the couch. “Oh, man. So like the other night when I took a shower?”
“You should know I make a valiant effort not to pay any attention to you when you’re…engaging in such activities,” Sehun says, barely suppressing a shiver because Jongin has a very vivid imagination and Kyungsoo is apparently a very attractive guy with a very attractive mouth, and Sehun had never been so glad to be lying facedown on his bed reading when Jongin had walked into the room after his shower.
“Like hell you do,” Jongin snorts, grabbing one of the other pillows and swatting Sehun upside the head. Sehun lets out a squeal he will deny to the ends of the earth, but he can’t stop himself from laughing because this moment is one he’s been dreading for so long but Jongin hasn’t freaked out, hasn’t run away screaming, hasn’t insisted Sehun be carted off by people in white lab coats.
“So, you’re…okay? With this?” Sehun asks tentatively when Jongin doesn’t seem to be planning to do anything more than stare at the blank television screen with a slight half-smile on his face.
“Do you even need to ask? Or are you just being polite?” Jongin asks pointedly, and Sehun looks away to hide the fact that he’s blushing.
“I just…want to hear it. From you. Your mouth. You know what I mean!” Sehun insists as Jongin bursts out laughing.
“All right, all right,” Jongin says, twisting so he’s staring right into Sehun’s eyes. He reaches out and grabs Sehun’s hands and it’s kind of weird because neither of them are really into physical contact but Sehun appreciates the gesture anyway. “I’m totally fine with this. In fact, this is probably one of the most interesting things that’s happened to me in my entire life and, just so you know, you’ve just signed yourself up for a lifetime of helping me with my people problems.”
“Oh, god,” Sehun sighs exaggeratedly, dragging his hands out of Jongin’s so he can slap one dramatically across his forehead. “Well, I guess it’s time to quit working at the bookstore because I can’t do two full-time jobs.”
“Shut up,” Jongin laughs, throwing another pillow affectionately at Sehun’s head. This time, Sehun knows it’s coming and manages to duck in time. “But seriously, you need to come with me to visit Junmyeon on Friday, you are my ticket into the mysterious mind of Do Kyungsoo and I plan to take advantage of that.”
“Hey, if you can convince him to give me a blowjob with that mouth of his I’ll do anything you want,” Sehun smirks, and Jongin gives him a scandalized look, jaw hanging open.
“You are a terrible person,” Jongin sighs sadly, and Sehun just laughs, closing his eyes and not even minding the endless buzz lurking behind his eyelids. For the first time in a long time, he thinks everything’s going to be okay.
Although, Sehun muses. It would have been nice if he’d met Luhan earlier and never had to deal with this kind of confession at all. But then his mind calls up a totally unwarranted image of Luhan standing angrily in the middle of the living room, demanding to know if Sehun really loves him, and Sehun shoves all thoughts of Luhan from his mind. He’s not going to let that happen. All he has to do is never tell Luhan about what he can do. Then, everything will really be okay. And it’s not a big deal. Sehun’s always been a good liar.
*
To be honest, it’s not until Jongdae says something that Sehun realizes he might be getting in too deep. That’s when you know things are getting bad. When Jongdae notices.
Sehun is sitting in the employee’s lounge, doing his best to ignore Yixing’s extremely violent daydream starring an angry customer who’s standing at the register claiming they’re always overcharged whenever they go to his store. Sehun is talking about a set of three poems he just submitted to the university’s literary magazine-yeah, he knows it’s unlikely he’ll get published, since there are so many talented writers at the university already, but it’s the first step, that’s what Luhan said, and really without Luhan there wouldn’t have been any poems at all so he might as well listen to his advice-
And about that point, Sehun stops his little monologue in its tracks, turning to stare at Jongdae in disbelief.
“What?” Jongdae asks sweetly, schooling his expression quickly into something almost convincing. “Why’d you stop?”
“Go ahead, talk,” Sehun sniffs, leaning back in his chair and glaring at Jongdae. “I saw that look on your face.” And I know what you’re thinking.
“Okay, look, it’s nothing bad,” Jongdae smirks, reaching out and ruffling Sehun’s hair because he knows how much he hates that. “I’m just wondering if you’ve ever thought about toning down the whole ‘being in love’ charade.”
“What are you talking about?” Sehun snaps, though he feels his stomach drop down into his toes as he follows the train of Jongdae’s thought.
“Let’s be honest here,” Jongdae sighs, resting his chin on one hand. “It’s obvious you’re just using Luhan, and I totally respect that, but at least when you’re among friends, there’s no need to pretend he means more to you than as some kind of writing aid. It’s getting a little old.”
“How do you know what I feel for Luhan?” Sehun shoots back, crossing his arms protectively across his chest. Jongdae gives him a look.
“He’s obviously not your type,” Jongdae explains patiently, like Sehun is a particularly slow student. “Your type is young, artsy, probably with tattoos and piercings and dyed hair. Like that dancer friend of yours.”
“Jongin doesn’t have any piercings, and he hasn’t dyed his hair since the eighth grade fiasco,” Sehun grumbles, before he remembers that he’s supposed to be refuting Jongdae’s accusation. “But that’s not the point! Jongin’s my best friend. But I...like...Luhan. A lot.”
“Boy, do I look forward to the day your older boyfriend with a steady, boring desk job comes home with something sickeningly cliche like flowers and tells you he loves you,” Jongdae sneers, before getting to his feet and sauntering out of the room. “If he needs comforting that day, after he dumps you, just tell him the door to my office is never open. Buy tissues.”
“Fuck you!” Sehun calls after him, though he knows Jongdae isn’t listening, already distracted by the sight of Baekhyun balancing atop a fairly tall ladder to dust the top of the shelves. Jongdae’s always been a sucker for pretending to knock people down from tall ladders.
Sehun tells himself that it doesn’t matter what Jongdae says, Jongdae doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Luhan is nice! Nice. And sweet. And normal. And...okay, not really Sehun’s “type.” But Sehun’s never wanted to have a “type”-writers don’t need that kind of confinement in their romantic excursions. It’s always good to try new things, right? And if Sehun loses Luhan, he loses any hope of ever having a second alone in his own head ever again. Not to mention Luhan’s killer chocolate lava cake recipe.
And it’s not like he’s stringing Luhan along, he’s trying hard to be the best boyfriend he can be-an endeavor admittedly hindered by the fact that he’s never had a boyfriend before and he never really knows how Luhan feels about anything he says or does which is really inconvenient-
“Sehun? You all right?” Luhan asks worriedly, reaching over to brush Sehun’s bangs out of his eyes. Sehun jerks backwards in surprise, nearly knocking over the little table they’re seated at. Damn, it’s so hard to keep track of what’s going on when his brain still seems to take advantage of these quiet moments to do all the thinking it’s too tired to do the rest of the day. You’d have thought he’d have found some sort of balance in the past few months, but apparently not.
“Yeah! Just fine,” Sehun laughs awkwardly, fixing his hair as Luhan gives him a slight smile. They’re sitting in Luhan’s small living room, at Luhan’s small table, and when Sehun turns his head a bit to the right he can see out Luhan’s small kitchen window, into the setting sun.
“Well, I guess you have to head out?” Luhan says, though the hint of hope in his voice worms its way into Sehun’s heart and settles there like a lead bullet.
“Yeah, I should probably go,” Sehun sighs, and the bullet wedges in a little deeper when he sees the hope fade from Luhan’s face. “But thanks for dinner! I-it was really nice.”
“Of course,” Luhan says quietly, standing up from his chair just as Sehun stands himself. The red-gold sunlight catches in his hair, turns his face to gold, and perhaps this excuses what Sehun does next.
“You should come over to my place for dinner, sometime,” he blurts before he can help himself, barely managing to stop himself from slapping a hand over his mouth in despair. He’s supposed to be maintaining distance not encouraging this!
“Thursday?” Luhan asks nonchalantly, but his smile is so bright Sehun wants to squint.
“Thursday sounds good,” Sehun replies quickly, already walking backwards towards the door before he can make any other bad decisions. Too bad Luhan walks a bit faster.
“I can’t wait,” he breathes, closing the distance between their faces, and Sehun lets him. He lets him, because even if Sehun doesn’t want to admit it he likes being wanted, he loves the way Luhan always wants to talk to him, wants to touch him.
Luhan is such a good kisser. As he lets Luhan’s tongue slide across his lips, his teeth, his tongue, Sehun lifts his head an inch and nearly get blinded by the sunlight streaming in the window. It’s so bright.
*
“Wait, so does this mean that you could be the perfect boyfriend if you wanted to?” Jongin asks a few days later when he walks in on Sehun standing perfectly still in the middle of the kitchen, wondering why the hell he invited Luhan over for dinner when he barely knows how to cook anything. “Because you must know everything he likes and doesn’t like and exactly what he wants for his birthday and stuff like that?”
“First of all, I can only hear the stuff people are thinking at the moment,” Sehun says, dimly registering Jongin’s words over the pounding of his heart. “It’s not like I can look at them and know their whole autobiography. And also, I can’t hear Luhan.”
“What?” Jongin asks, leaning over the counter and widening his eyes so much it looks almost comical. “The plot thickens!”
“And you say I sound like a 16th century playwright,” Sehun manages to retort, though inwardly his brain seems to only be capable of keeping up a mantra of swearing, along with a few random worries about his hair or his clothes or his teeth.
“Wow, so you really can’t hear anything from him?” Jongin asks, grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter and biting loudly into it. Sehun glares at him, but Jongin pretends not to notice. “Has that ever happened before?”
“No,” Sehun replies shortly, suddenly deciding their arrangement of glasses in the cupboard looks unacceptably sloppy and reaching up to fix it. “And what’s even weirder is that when I’m near him, I can’t hear anyone else either.”
“Whoa!” Jongin whistles appreciatively, apparently apathetic about the fact that Sehun has decided their entire kitchen needs reorganizing right this second. “So I guess I just need to make sure Luhan’s over any time I want to jack off in the shower? You better seduce him, kid, and quick.”
“You,” Sehun mutters darkly, slamming one cupboard door shut only to yank open another. “Are not helping.”
“Good thing helping wasn’t my intention then, huh?” Jongin smirks, just as the doorbell rings and Sehun feels the now-familiar tendrils of cool blankness creeping into his mind. It feels so wonderful he can’t help but release a tiny sigh of relief. Jongin gives him an odd look, but before he has the chance to say anything, Sehun is ducking past him and rushing towards the door, pulling it open to reveal a slightly embarrassed-looking Luhan standing there, clutching a single rose.
“For you,” he says quickly, shoving the flower unceremoniously in Sehun’s face, but when Sehun takes it and their hands brush he doesn’t miss the way Luhan’s cheeks flush pink.
“How cute,” he laughs, ushering Luhan inside, only to slap a hand to his forehead when he realizes that Jongin is still standing curiously in the kitchen wearing nothing but low-hanging sweatpants and that tank top that shows more skin than it hides.
“Oh. Hello?” Luhan says curiously, shooting Sehun a look.
“You must be Luhan!” Jongin says brightly, ignoring Sehun’s angry glare that’s meant to express something along the lines of go fucking put some clothes on you fucking exhibitionist.
“That’s me,” Luhan agrees cheerfully, and Sehun decides that, okay, maybe this dinner won’t be all bad if Luhan can handle a half-naked Jongin this calmly. “And you are?”
“Oh! I can’t believe Sehun didn’t tell you about me,” Jongin says, shooting Sehun a look that Sehun is pretty sure means What, afraid I’d frighten him off with my devastating good looks? Stupid Jongin. “I’m Jongin. Best friend from high school, current roommate-”
“Ah, the dancer!” Luhan laughs, and Jongin visibly brightens. Sehun wants to laugh too but decides against it because he doesn’t want to ruin the moment. “Sehun talks about you a lot. I just didn’t know you two lived together.”
“Yup, we do,” Sehun says quickly, before Jongin can make another sarcastic comment. “Ever since a little less than two years ago when we decided to move out on our own rather than keep going to school.”
“So you’re both artists,” Luhan says with a wry grin that Sehun wishes he knew the meaning behind. He’s still so used to having the upper hand-to never having to second-guess himself-that trying and failing to imagine what Luhan is thinking is incredibly frustrating.
“Of a sort,” Jongin says with a laugh. “Though Sehun is the more starving-but-dedicated-to-his-craft type. I just want to be famous.”
“Hey, sounds like a pretty good goal to me,” Luhan says wryly, and suddenly Sehun notices just how beautiful he looks when he’s smiling, eyes crinkling at the corners, hair fluttering in the breeze from the overhead fan.
“And what do you do?” Jongin asks, glancing over at Sehun, and Sehun barely manages to tear his eyes away from Luhan’s face in time to avoid certain ridicule. “I don’t think Sehun’s mentioned…”
“Oh,” Luhan says tightly, and his smile slips just a little. “I just work for a real estate firm. Administrative stuff, you know.”
“Why do you sound so defensive?” Jongin asks lightly, jumping forward and motioning Luhan towards the dining hall. Sehun feels a rush of gratitude for Jongin’s uncanny ability to be kind to everyone he meets without even trying. “Any tips on how to get a better apartment than this one for less money than we’re currently paying would be greatly appreciated.”
“Magic?” Luhan suggests sarcastically, but he’s smiling and as Sehun rushes into the kitchen to start preparing a meal (like he actually has some idea of what he’s doing), he hopes that Jongin doesn’t say anything too embarrassing about him. It’s annoying not being able to keep tabs on their conversation, but Sehun has to admit that maybe he doesn’t mind much when Luhan wanders over and leans against the kitchen counter, laughing and joking, occasionally reaching out to grab a slice of bread or a bit of a carrot, brushing against Sehun’s arm in a way that makes his breath catch strangely in his throat.
It all goes perfectly-well, mostly perfectly if you don’t count the slightly burned meal that Jongin somehow manages to salvage after Sehun gets distracted by the way the light catches in Luhan’s hair-until dinner is over and they’re sitting at the table talking, hands clasped around cooling coffee mugs. Because that’s when Jongin is interrupted by a call in the middle of a story about the dogs he raised as a child, and when he returns he doesn’t go back to the table but instead walks over to the door and pulls his coat off its hook.
“Where are you going?” Sehun asks, slightly nervously, because he’s not sure what Luhan expects out of this evening but Sehun isn’t exactly the type to rush things and Jongin had been the perfect barrier but now he’s abandoning them.
“Taemin called,” Jongin shrugs, grabbing his keys from the small table by the doorway. “The team’s going out for drinks, figured I’d join them.”
“Have a good time,” Luhan says with a wave as Jongin pulls open the door. Jongin waves back, grinning widely, and manages to shoot Sehun a terrible attempt at a wink before flouncing out the door and pulling it closed behind him. The thud of the wood thumping shut drops into Sehun’s stomach like a stone.
“Well, I guess I should get going too,” Luhan murmurs slowly, reaching his arms over his head and stretching luxuriously. Sehun does his best not to let his eyes slide down to the band of skin peeking out from the hem of Luhan’s shirt. Luckily, within seconds it’s disappeared as Luhan drops his arms to his sides and pushes himself out of his chair.
“Thanks for dinner,” Luhan says with a smile, and it’s so sweet and so lovely that Sehun is suddenly overcome with a terrible urge to kiss him. “I had a really good time. Jongin seems like a great guy, I’m glad you’re roommates.”
“You say that because you don’t have to live with him,” Sehun manages to snort, but Luhan just laughs.
“Nah, I think he’s good for you,” Luhan says, and Sehun doesn’t even have time to ask him what the hell he means by that when he’s continuing. “You seem like the type to wait a long time before trusting anyone. But if there’s anyone who seems innately trustworthy, it’s Jongin. Hopefully he’ll stop you from keeping all those feelings bottled up inside until you die of a premature heart attack.”
“Well, that’s cheery,” Sehun says sarcastically, standing up himself. “Maybe you really should go, if you’re going to wish premature death upon me.”
They’re so close, if Sehun wanted he could reach out and touch Luhan. But he’s not sure he should, not sure he should be letting himself get so invested in this. It’s all about what Luhan can give him, and he needs to remember that. This isn’t some sappy love story.
“Oh, stop,” Luhan laughs, shaking his head as he starts to make his way through the living room, heading for the door. “But I mean it. I had a really nice time. We should do it again?”
“Yeah,” Sehun breathes, watching Luhan bend down to slip on his shoes. His heart feels like it’s going to jump out of his chest, and as Luhan’s hand touches the doorknob he suddenly realizes that he doesn’t want him to leave.
Perhaps this explains why, when Luhan turns to wave a hesitant goodbye, he’s met instead by Sehun’s face mere inches from his own. Perhaps this explains why Sehun shoves Luhan up against the door, presses their lips together, fists his hands roughly in Luhan’s hair.
Or maybe it doesn’t really explain it, doesn’t explain it at all, but Sehun can’t bring himself to care when he pulls back and sees Luhan gazing at him with clouded eyes, hands reaching up to yank Sehun closer, drag their mouths back together.
“I thought,” Luhan gasps as Sehun jerks his head back against the door, pressing open-mouthed kisses along his jaw. “I thought you didn’t want-I thought-”
“Well, you thought wrong didn’t you,” Sehun manages to grunt before yanking up Luhan’s shirt and bending to mouth at the planes of his chest, swirl his tongue around Luhan’s quickly hardening nipples. Luhan moans low in his throat, and the sound is addicting. Sehun kind of wants to hear it again.
“Here,” Luhan murmurs, grabbing Sehun’s shoulders and hauling him upright before reaching down and pulling off his own shirt in one fluid motion. Sehun’s quick to follow, but afterwards he lets his hands still on the waistband of Luhan’s jeans, not quite sure how far Luhan’s willing to let him go. Luhan’s gazing at him with liquid eyes, mouth twisted into a small smile, and he’s just so beautiful standing there in the warm evening light that it makes Sehun’s head spin. And maybe before, being with Luhan had felt like standing in an empty room but now the room is full to bursting, full of light and sound and Luhan and Sehun doesn’t ever want it to stop.
“You’re gorgeous,” he whispers, before slapping a hand over his mouth in embarrassment. Luhan just smiles and reaches forward to drag Sehun’s hand away, pressing a gentle kiss to the knuckles and making Sehun blush. This is strange in and of itself-Sehun is not the blushing type, he’s not-but Luhan’s looking at him again and Sehun can’t quite think straight.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” Luhan asks, and Sehun’s pretty sure this is not the time to say something embarrassing, along the lines of oh god, yes, I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life. So instead he just nods, and slowly undoes the button of Luhan’s jeans, bending slightly to drag them down his legs.
“Don’t you want-” Luhan starts to say, but Sehun is kind of tired of him talking so much, and he’s left feeling triumphant when he takes Luhan into his mouth and Luhan’s sentence cuts off in a rough gasp.
Sehun licks up the underside of Luhan’s cock, letting it just bump against the back of his throat, and when he moans at the intrusion Luhan’s whole body shudders, hands coming down to tangle in Sehun’s hair, dragging just a bit too roughly at the silky strands. Sehun uses his own hands to pin Luhan’s hips to the door, keeping him still even as he tries to jerk forward further into the wet heat of Sehun’s mouth.
“Fuck, Sehun,” Luhan groans, and the sound is so arousing Sehun immediately focuses on hollowing his cheeks, sucking and swallowing around Luhan’s cock, to prevent himself from coming in his pants. Luckily, it seems to work because Sehun feels much calmer and Luhan is positively writhing under his hands. It doesn’t take much more-Sehun sucks Luhan in even further, managing not to gag with a bit of concentration, and when he hums encouragingly Luhan’s spilling down his throat.
Sehun pulls back, grinning in satisfaction, tongue peeking out from between his teeth, and the last thing he expects is for Luhan to drag him upright and crash their mouths together. But that’s exactly what Luhan does, licking into Sehun’s mouth as if eager to taste himself, and Sehun can feel himself getting even harder at the thought, cock straining against his jeans.
“I think,” Luhan murmurs against his mouth, “that you’re wearing too many clothes.”
“Care to fix that?” Sehun manages to breathe before Luhan’s grabbing his wrist and pulling him across the living room.
“Which door?” Luhan asks, mouth turning down in annoyance as he pauses in the hallway, fingers gripping Sehun’s wrist hard enough to bruise, and Sehun can’t help but grin as he slides forward and pulls open the door to his room. Luhan bounds inside, yanking Sehun with him, and they both fall forward onto the bed, giggling slightly at the sudden motion.
“Off, off, off,” Luhan huffs, quickly unbuttoning Sehun’s jeans and sliding them down his legs so quickly Sehun falls backwards into the blankets, hissing at the cold air that hits his throbbing cock when Luhan drags his briefs down as well.
“What do you want?” Luhan whispers, and when Sehun looks up at him his heart feels dangerously hot. It’s not that he’s never had sex before-Jongin had always joked that it was an essential part of his training to be a starving artist. But no one’s ever looked at Sehun like that before-like he’s precious, like he’s more than just a hot fuck. No one’s ever asked him what he wanted.
“I want,” he starts, only to gulp when he sees Luhan’s eyes sliding away from his own, across his chest, his stomach. “I want…”
“Just say it,” Luhan mumbles, already leaning forward to suck red marks onto Sehun’s chest, lithe fingers wrapping around Sehun’s cock-finally-and it feels so good that Sehun almost comes on the spot before he manages to remind himself how embarrassing that would be.
“I want you to-ah!” Sehun’s breath hitches as Luhan strokes him once, twice, eyes never leaving Sehun’s face. It’s like Luhan wants to watch him come unraveled, like he wants to see what Sehun looks like when he can’t control himself anymore. It makes Sehun feel a little self-conscious, but also kind of like he’s glowing.
“Yes?” Luhan teases, and Sehun can see that he’s already getting hard again, his tongue sliding along the curve of Sehun’s stomach before circling his belly button in a way that is completely maddening.
“Fuck this,” Sehun grumbles, before reaching up and gripping Luhan’s shoulders, rolling him over and flipping their positions. Luhan looks surprised, but his eyes go half-lidded when he sees Sehun reaching over to a side table and grabbing the bottle of lube he keeps stashed there.
“Fuck,” Luhan moans as Sehun reaches down and presses the first slick finger inside of himself, making sure to give Luhan a good view. He’s done this a few times before-enough to know how much people appreciate it, and he doesn’t hold back as he starts sliding another finger in beside the first, letting his eyes slide shut as he finds that spot inside of himself and presses against it, a groan ripping out of his throat. When he wrenches his eyes open again, slowly fucking himself with two fingers now, he sees that Luhan looks absolutely dazed, hand drifting down to stroke himself as he watches Sehun’s little show.
Deciding that he’s waited more than long enough, Sehun quickly rips open a condom, rolling it onto Luhan as quickly as he can, easily slicking him up. Luhan reaches up to grab his hips, but before he has the chance Sehun’s already sinking down, letting Luhan fill him. It burns a little, despite the prep, but Sehun doesn’t care, doesn’t care because it just feels so damn good, because even with his eyes closed he can see the way Luhan had been watching him and it feels so good to be wanted, really wanted. But now Luhan’s hands are curling around his hips, helping Sehun up before he slams back down, grinning when Luhan shivers and moans, Sehun’s name slipping out of his mouth over and over again.
Sehun leans forward, gasping a little as the change in angle lets Luhan slip even deeper inside of him, and pulls Luhan up until their lips meet. Luhan’s eager to kiss him back, opening readily under Sehun’s touch, but the heat of their mouths is nothing compared to the heat building in Sehun’s stomach as he continues to bounce up and down. Luhan’s hands shift from Sehun’s hips to his cock, stroking it in time with his upwards thrusts, and the only warning he gets is a tightening of Sehun around him before Sehun is coming, spilling across Luhan’s fist with a stuttering gasp. Luhan keeps moving, but when Sehun rolls his hips it’s suddenly too much and Luhan is pulsing inside of him, gasping for breath as he lets Sehun roll off and over onto the side of the bed.
The sheets are sticky and wet, but Luhan just reaches out and pulls Sehun into his arms, settling him back against his chest, and Sehun doesn’t resist. He’s sleepy and sated, and he feels like he’s about to explode with all the conflicting feelings welling up in his chest.
“I love you,” Luhan whispers wonderingly into the curve of his neck, and Sehun’s eyes widen before he squeezes them tightly shut and hopes that Luhan will think he’s already fallen asleep. Luhan doesn’t say anything more, and it doesn’t take long before Sehun’s really drifting off, surrendering himself to the warmth of Luhan’s chest and the pleasant way their fingers tangle together. He can worry about feelings in the morning.
*
“Morning, sunshine!” Jongin chirps as Sehun stumbles into the kitchen the next morning, blearily rubbing his eyes. He’d woken up to an empty bed and had jerked upright, nearly managing to convince himself last night had all been some sort of amazing dream until he looked at his sheets, and the half-empty bottle of lube still perched cheerily on his dresser.
“And what are you so cheerful about?” Sehun grumbles, running a hand through his hair to try to make it look a bit more presentable before the strangeness of the scene finally manages to filter into his mind. “Wait. You’re cooking. You’re cooking breakfast.”
“Yeah?” Jongin says nonchalantly, as if this isn’t something Sehun has been trying to get him to do for years, as if he hasn’t always denied having any kind of cooking abilities, which Sehun knows is a blatant lie. Yet here he is, calmly frying a couple of eggs and rushing over to check on the rice cooker when it beeps.
“Are you feeling okay?” Sehun asks suspiciously, marching over and grabbing Jongin’s chin so he can look into his eyes for any signs of madness.
“Of course,” Jongin sighs in annoyance, slapping Sehun’s hand away as he turns back to the frying pan. “Luhan just suggested we make breakfast, and I didn’t see any reason not to-”
“Luhan,” Sehun groans, ignoring the curious look Jongin gives him. And here he’d been feeling almost pleased that Luhan had left before he’d woken up, because then at least he’d have some time to sort out what exactly he feels for Luhan, exactly how far he’s willing to take this charade just to get some (literal) peace of mind. He’s pretty sure having sex crossed some sort of line, but it had been pretty damn good sex, so.
“Here, eat this,” Jongin says quickly, handing him a plate. “I think you’ll feel better after you eat something.”
“Who are you, my mother?” Sehun groans, because he’s not above making Jongin feel awkward and bad about himself first thing in the morning, but he yanks the plate out of Jongin’s grasp anyway because he is really hungry.
“Your mother one of those people who thinks food solves all problems?” Luhan asks as he emerges from the bathroom, and Jongin chokes. Sehun shoots Jongin a venomous look as he continues hacking loudly.
“It’s not really something I talk about,” Sehun says shortly, before turning away from Luhan and walking towards the table. He knows exactly what kind of look Luhan probably has on his face-concerned, worried, upset and not quite sure what he did wrong. He hates that he knows.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry,” Luhan says gently, placing a soft hand on Sehun’s shoulder before dropping down into the seat next to him. Sehun resists the urge to move his plate over one spot and sit in Jongin’s seat because he’s pretty sure that’s a ridiculously childish thing to do, and also probably wouldn’t be very effective given that he let Luhan fuck him last night.
“Sehun’s parents weren’t around much,” Jongin says from the kitchen, and Sehun desperately tries to mentally incinerate him and turn him into a smoldering pile of ash. “We-his friends, I mean-all kind of took him in. Especially me and Junmyeon-he’s older than us by a few years. Made sure he ate, had school books, that sort of thing.”
“I’m going to kill you,” Sehun says brightly when Jongin flops down into the seat next to him. Jongin just sticks his tongue out and starts shoveling food into his mouth.
“He doesn’t like talking about it, but you seem like a nice guy,” Jongin says between mouthfuls, and Sehun does not notice how Luhan blushes at the words. Does not. “I think you of all people ought to know.”
“What does that mean?” Sehun bursts out, but Jongin just gives him a look and stuffs some rice in his mouth. It’s silent for a few moments-Sehun angrily glaring at his food, Luhan and Jongin steadily eating. But eventually-too soon and not soon enough, Sehun thinks-Luhan stands, checking his watch.
“I should probably get going,” he says awkwardly, rubbing his arm. “I need to be at work soon.”
“Oh. Right,” Sehun says, suddenly panicking because he’s not sure what exactly he’s supposed to do. He’s never had more than a one-night stand before. What’s proper morning-after protocol? Do they kiss? Hug? Wave?
“Oh, let me see you out!” Jongin says quickly, jumping to his feet and ushering Luhan over to the door. Sehun feels a wave of relief wash over him as he waves goodbye and he could kiss Jongin for making this whole thing less awkward. That is, he could if he wasn’t sure that whatever Jongin’s whispering to Luhan as he pulls on his shoes will probably result in something terrible. For Sehun at least.
But then the door’s sliding closed, and Sehun huffs out a long breath he didn’t know he was holding. He’s about to turn around again and say thank you when instead he finds himself face-to-face with a ridiculously over-excited Jongin.
“SO?” Jongin practically yells, and Sehun fights the urge to punch him. “You actually got him into bed and he stayed the whole night? I was beginning to think that you were just kidding about getting into this whole relationship thing, but apparently I was wrong! Look at you, Oh Sehun, actually making a commitment to someone.”
“Shut up,” Sehun groans, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes. “I’m not committing to anything yet, okay? We just…yeah. And now…I don’t know.”
“Although you were being pretty rude this morning,” Jongin observes, slumping back in his chair and pouting when he sees that all of his food is gone. “What happened to bring back the grumpy Sehun I know and dislike? You were so cute and nervous last night.”
“I hate you,” Sehun tells him, but Jongin just grins. “I just don’t…why did you have to tell him about my parents, you asshole?”
“Look, you seem to like this guy,” Jongin says reasonably, leaning forward in his seat. “And if you want to keep him around, you’re going to have to stop being so cryptic all the time. Open up a little.”
Sehun struggles to suppress the thoughts crawling up the walls of his mind, all of his own mixed-up feelings tossed together with everyone else’s now that Luhan is gone and-oh. Well, that explains the oddly intense enthusiasm, at least.
“Well, if you don’t stop lecturing me about ‘opening up,’ Mr. My Whole Potential Relationship Is Based On a Big Fat Lie, we’re going to be late for your meeting,” Sehun says sarcastically, smirking when Jongin jumps, looking startled before his features settle back into an easy grin.
“God, I keep forgetting you can do that,” Jongin laughs, shaking his head. “Okay, then, go get dressed! I want Kyungsoo to think I have high-class writer friends, not just some poet working at a local bookstore who has yet to publish anything of note.”
“Hey!” Sehun gasps in mock-distress as he gets up and starts walking towards his bedroom. “I’m working on it, okay? And I did get a poem published in that anthology last year, remember?”
“Think classy!” Jongin yells cheerily, waving off Sehun’s protests. Sehun sighs and shuts the door, wrinkling his nose at the state of disorder his room’s been left in. As he pulls on a light blue button-down that looks fairly clean, he wonders when things got so complicated. He’s always hated complicated.
*
Three