Can't Say That I Blame You, But You Can't Blame me
Another week since I last wrote, the time is really starting to fly by, but drag at the same time...damn it all to hell
Brittany and I have been kind of fighting, and it's been the shits. I just feel so weird right now about everything, and the initial fight made me think about my alone time, and all the shit that is coming up that will separate us. The title of my last entry kind of rings true, because only after I felt like I "woke up" did the fighting start. I think it was over something stupid like me riding home from Shaw's with Derek and T, but it's kind of hard to remember honestly. I kind of always new something like this would start to happen, because I am so incredibly inept at maintaining relationships, and that does not translate well into a relationship where the other party needs a lot of love. Maybe she doesn't need a lot, maybe I am just making excuses for why I am failing, this would not be a surprise to me. I have no idea what I am like to the other side, I'm probably not that great, but then again, I am harder on myself than anyone else is, so I could easily be good, but just not succeeding in this space. I need to sit down and judge the way I am in this relationship, because if I am not at my best, I should do Brittany a favor and end it; she deserves the full effort, and if I can't give it currently, she needs to find someone who can. This also could be a cop out for me, because I'm getting bored or some such mess...it's pretty sad when i don't even know what is going on with me.
I think this was bound to happen because as I said above, I suck at maintaining relationships, but also because of the way things started with us. I asked her out in September, and she said she needed time to think. As the time raged on, I also began to think about things, and made the decision that for my own sake, I would address them before I started dating her. I, of course, did not, and asked her out when I had been told she was ready by everyone around me. With this decision, I suppressed everything I had needed to think about, and went balls to the wall. everything was working fine, but I knew it was only a matter of time before I would actually have to take the time to think. i figured that we would break up before it became an issue, but we actually stayed together...shows what I know(hah)
Now she has become accustom to seeing me daily, and I can't flat out tell her I need time to think without her thinking that I'm either never coming back, or that she is smothering me, thus upsetting her and complicating things way beyond what I want. I honestly have no intentions of leaving at the moment, but I know that would be the first thought that came into everyone's head. I have not been with anyone as long as I have been with her since I was 16, that's three years of inconsistent relationships,and having all the time in the world to ponder anything that plagued my young mind. I am much different now than I was back then, but that is due to my ample time to find the correct ways to allow adaptation to occur. I'm not saying that I can grow while with her, I do not want to have my words twisted in any way, but it's harder to focus on improving yourself when you're part of a unit that must also move and evolve.
I honestly don't know where I am heading from here, but I see a fiery wreck somewhere in the near future...
Brittany and I have been kind of fighting, and it's been the shits. I just feel so weird right now about everything, and the initial fight made me think about my alone time, and all the shit that is coming up that will separate us. The title of my last entry kind of rings true, because only after I felt like I "woke up" did the fighting start. I think it was over something stupid like me riding home from Shaw's with Derek and T, but it's kind of hard to remember honestly. I kind of always new something like this would start to happen, because I am so incredibly inept at maintaining relationships, and that does not translate well into a relationship where the other party needs a lot of love. Maybe she doesn't need a lot, maybe I am just making excuses for why I am failing, this would not be a surprise to me. I have no idea what I am like to the other side, I'm probably not that great, but then again, I am harder on myself than anyone else is, so I could easily be good, but just not succeeding in this space. I need to sit down and judge the way I am in this relationship, because if I am not at my best, I should do Brittany a favor and end it; she deserves the full effort, and if I can't give it currently, she needs to find someone who can. This also could be a cop out for me, because I'm getting bored or some such mess...it's pretty sad when i don't even know what is going on with me.
I think this was bound to happen because as I said above, I suck at maintaining relationships, but also because of the way things started with us. I asked her out in September, and she said she needed time to think. As the time raged on, I also began to think about things, and made the decision that for my own sake, I would address them before I started dating her. I, of course, did not, and asked her out when I had been told she was ready by everyone around me. With this decision, I suppressed everything I had needed to think about, and went balls to the wall. everything was working fine, but I knew it was only a matter of time before I would actually have to take the time to think. i figured that we would break up before it became an issue, but we actually stayed together...shows what I know(hah)
Now she has become accustom to seeing me daily, and I can't flat out tell her I need time to think without her thinking that I'm either never coming back, or that she is smothering me, thus upsetting her and complicating things way beyond what I want. I honestly have no intentions of leaving at the moment, but I know that would be the first thought that came into everyone's head. I have not been with anyone as long as I have been with her since I was 16, that's three years of inconsistent relationships,and having all the time in the world to ponder anything that plagued my young mind. I am much different now than I was back then, but that is due to my ample time to find the correct ways to allow adaptation to occur. I'm not saying that I can grow while with her, I do not want to have my words twisted in any way, but it's harder to focus on improving yourself when you're part of a unit that must also move and evolve.
I honestly don't know where I am heading from here, but I see a fiery wreck somewhere in the near future...