Fic: Sympathy After All (1/1)
Title: Sympathy After All
Author: cellochick92
Rating: R? Ish?
Warning: Deals with suicide and some self harm, though not explicit. If this is triggering, please don't read! Character death...
Word Count: 2,289
Disclaimer: Not mine =(
Summary: For this prompt, which is basically that Glee rallies around Kurt after Rachel sees a statistic that gay teens are more likely to kill themselves than straight teens. But what if Kurt's not the only gay glee clubber? Unrequited Faberry and lots of angst. Obviously.
__________________________________
God had a sick, sick sense of humor.
That was the only thing she could think the day she realized that not only was she very, very gay, but that she also had a very, very gay crush on one Rachel Berry. There was no other way something so ironically twisted could actually happen- these types of situations were supposed to be reserved for overly dramatic television shows filled with horribly written teenage angst. Apparently, though, God had decided to make an exception in her case- as if getting pregnant at sixteen wasn't enough, now this had to happen too!
She had been so prepared to just wait quietly until she was out of Lima before looking for any sort of meaningful romance- it had seemed like such a foolproof plan that would help save her from any additional bouts of homelessness and potential abuse at the hands of her parents and peers. With Rachel constantly in her life, though...it was only a matter of time before something stupid happened.
The brunette was all brief smiles and fleeting touches, things that could barely be construed to be friendly, much less overtures of something more romantic in nature. Rachel was straight and almost painfully in love with Finn, something which was almost as infuriating as the fact that she had absolutely no chance with the diva. If that bumbling oaf of a man-child was good enough, then why wasn't she?
But really, it didn't matter anyways, because she was hiding so far back in the closet she wasn't sure she would ever see the light of day. It had been one of the most painful, terrifying moments of her life when she realized that she might not be entirely straight. So horrible had the realization been that she had run straight into the arms of the first guy she could think of- Puck. She had been desperate for some way to prove to herself that she was delusional, that she was completely straight and loved guys and was just imagining things.
Obviously, sleeping with Puck had only complicated things further, and she wished more than anything that she could go back in time when she realized that, not only was she quite possibly gay, she was also quite possibly pregnant. On the bright side, becoming a social pariah had left her with a whole lot of free time to think, and she had certainly made good use of it. That had been when she had first hatched her brilliant plan of just remaining celibate until she could get out of Lima- nobody was going to question her hesitance to jump back into the dating game after an unplanned teen pregnancy.
So. She had been set, until God decided she hadn't suffered enough and had thrown Rachel Berry at her. Even then, she had thought that it might be manageable, until the afternoon that Rachel bounded into Glee and gathered the others around her.
She had been deadly serious as she had explained that gay teens were statistically more likely to commit suicide than their straight counterparts, and that she was worried about Kurt due to the intense bullying he faced. When she laid out a plan which detailed ways in which the Gleeks could go out of their way to make sure Kurt was doing okay, not one single objection was raised. Everyone seemed to have sobered at the thought of anything actually happening to one of them, and for once everyone was in support of Rachel.
The coming weeks were absolute misery. She stood by and watched as every single Glee Club member went above and beyond to make sure that Kurt was safe and that he knew he was loved. She knew that it probably made her look like a bitter, jealous, needy bitch who couldn't handle someone else having the spotlight, but she couldn't help the fact that she hated how much support Kurt got. It wasn't that she begrudged him the support and attention itself, per say, it was more the fact that everyone in Glee (but especially her) assumed that he was the only one out there who needed it.
There may also have been an undercurrent of envy to her assessment of the situation. Kurt was so comfortable in his own skin, so accepting of who he was, and she just wished she could be like that too. She wished she had people who would validate how she felt and tell her it was okay, that they loved her anyways. But she couldn't, and he could, and so he was the one who everyone worried about and tried to check up on.
She contemplated the idea of pouring her heart out to everyone about what her life was really like, because then they might start to rally around her like they did with him. It was a sound idea, in theory, but she just...she couldn't quite bring herself to expose that much of herself, especially not in a quest for attention. She was worried that it might just come off as her trying to drag the spotlight onto herself and capitalize off of the less-than-ideal aspects of her life. She had personally always detested people who used personal tragedy as a means to gain sympathy and attention, and she was determined to never be like that.
Still, though, the idea was tempting. It was obvious that nobody was ever going to figure it out otherwise- even Rachel, for all her talk of being a little bit psychic and having a sixth sense, had no clue. And she supposed it was true, the whole pregnant at sixteen thing didn't exactly scream “gay” (although statistically, gay teens were far more likely to become pregnant, a statistic she had unfortunately proven correct). The point was that nobody had ever cared enough to ask, and so she was left to her own devices. It might not have been her brightest plan, but deciding to see if anyone would notice her hurting was the best that she could come up with. She certainly didn't have anyone at home to care about her, and she just wanted someone- one person, even- to care enough to ask if she was okay. She figured it wasn't entirely unreasonable- if the Gleeks cared about her even a fraction of how much they did for Kurt, she was sure it wouldn't take long for them to notice.
She started out small, not smiling as much and not really laughing a whole lot anymore. It wasn't exactly hard- the smiles and laughter had been forced anyways, so she just stopped trying. She just wanted to see if anybody cared enough to notice, and whether anyone would say anything to her. Even if it was something tiny, just someone taking a second or two to ask if everything was all right, it would have been enough. She didn't need to be the center of attention, and she didn't need to have people throwing rallies in support of her, but something to hang onto, to remind herself that she mattered, would have been nice.
She knew that it might come off as a desperate ploy for attention, and in a way it was...but it wasn't really about that. Well, it was, but...god. It was so hard to articulate why she would ever contemplate such a stupid idea. She supposed what it came down to was seeing if she really mattered. Because people who mattered? They had someone that would ask the hard questions if they needed to be asked, and she just wanted to see if anyone was willing to step up and be that person for her.
She hadn't had very high hopes when she made the decision to go through with her plan, but it still stung when nobody said a word. She kept trying for a couple weeks, but nobody seemed to notice, and after a while she stopped feeling hurt and just felt sad instead. She hated that she was so trapped in her facade of perfection and independence, and she hated her own weakness and dependence on what other people thought of her.
From there, a slow downward spiral began. When it became clear that nobody was going to say anything, she decided it was time to try something else. It had started small, just a few little marks on her ribcage, and she had waited to see if anyone would ask why she was just the tiniest bit stiff when they danced in Glee. When nobody noticed, a series of larger marks had appeared, spreading to include her upper thighs. Still, nobody noticed, or if they did they certainly didn't do anything about it. It might have been her own fault, because she was just so used to pretending that things were fine, but the fact that nobody noticed hurt more than the marks themselves.
She knew that she was playing into so many cliches it was pathetic, but she couldn't seem to make herself stop. And anyways, it was better at least to have some hope that if she kept trying, maybe someone would eventually notice.
Five months later, she had countless hidden scars but was still painfully alone. Every time she walked into Glee, she was faced with Rachel and at least one other person checking on Kurt and going out of their way to make sure he was okay. Every now and then, Rachel's gaze would fall on her, but the brunette seemed not to even see that she was there anymore, much less that she was desperately looking for someone to rescue her from herself.
After another month, she couldn't help but start thinking that maybe it was hopeless. Nobody had cared so far, and it was already like she wasn't really there. Maybe if she was actually gone, they could find someone who was more than just a warm body to keep on the dance floor.
She thought about her decision for a long time, maybe out of some last desperate hope that someone might catch on and stop her, but when an additional two months had passed she ran out of reasons to put it off. Her parents were gone on vacation the night she finally found herself without any excuses left. There was certainly no shortage of pills and alcohol, and she wondered briefly what her parents would do when they found out. Not pausing to really think about it, she grabbed what she need before heading to her room.
She sat at her desk, pulling a crisp envelope out of the drawer. She had looked at the letter as a chance to finally say everything she had been unable to while she was alive, and it had been pathetic to see on paper just how petrified she had been of using her voice for anything other than singing the occasional song. Still, she felt she owed it to herself to take her last opportunity to break the silence, even if she wasn't going to be around to see the results.
After making sure the envelope was clearly visible on her desk, she took a handful of sleeping pills, washing each one down with a swallow of vodka. She had fucked up a lot of things in her life, and she wasn't going to let this be one more thing she failed at.
As she laid down on her bed, she tried to focus on her breathing- the steady in and out was soothing, and she soon felt herself drifting, half awake and half asleep. As she felt sleep poking at the edges of her mind, she wondered idly how long it would take for someone (anyone) to get worried enough to check on her. Her last thought before she slipped into unconsciousness was that it was fitting, that her death would be as silent as her life.
****************
She would probably have laughed, had she known it would be Rachel who would finally grow concerned enough to check on her. She would have laughed even more when she found out that the brunette was only two days too late.
It might have pained her, to see how broken everyone in Glee Club was after they learned her secrets.
To see Rachel sitting on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around herself as she cried. To see Puck, sitting in a chair staring into space, seemingly unable to do anything but clench his fists in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. To see Finn, standing awkwardly above Rachel as he tried to figure out what was the proper thing to do when your ex-girlfriend had killed herself because she was gay for your current girlfriend, who was sobbing on the floor. To see Brittany and Santana and Tina and Mercedes and everyone else crying and holding each other to try to provide some semblance of comfort. But most of all, perhaps, it might have pained her to see Kurt sitting there, white as a sheet, silent tears running down his cheeks as he silently mouthed “why?” over and over.
There might have been some small feeling of relief at seeing them realize, finally, that she had needed them desperately. Mostly, though, she would probably have been sad to see them so lost and broken.
But then again, she had been broken for so long without any of them noticing that it might also have been hard to summon that much sympathy for them after all.
Author: cellochick92
Rating: R? Ish?
Warning: Deals with suicide and some self harm, though not explicit. If this is triggering, please don't read! Character death...
Word Count: 2,289
Disclaimer: Not mine =(
Summary: For this prompt, which is basically that Glee rallies around Kurt after Rachel sees a statistic that gay teens are more likely to kill themselves than straight teens. But what if Kurt's not the only gay glee clubber? Unrequited Faberry and lots of angst. Obviously.
__________________________________
God had a sick, sick sense of humor.
That was the only thing she could think the day she realized that not only was she very, very gay, but that she also had a very, very gay crush on one Rachel Berry. There was no other way something so ironically twisted could actually happen- these types of situations were supposed to be reserved for overly dramatic television shows filled with horribly written teenage angst. Apparently, though, God had decided to make an exception in her case- as if getting pregnant at sixteen wasn't enough, now this had to happen too!
She had been so prepared to just wait quietly until she was out of Lima before looking for any sort of meaningful romance- it had seemed like such a foolproof plan that would help save her from any additional bouts of homelessness and potential abuse at the hands of her parents and peers. With Rachel constantly in her life, though...it was only a matter of time before something stupid happened.
The brunette was all brief smiles and fleeting touches, things that could barely be construed to be friendly, much less overtures of something more romantic in nature. Rachel was straight and almost painfully in love with Finn, something which was almost as infuriating as the fact that she had absolutely no chance with the diva. If that bumbling oaf of a man-child was good enough, then why wasn't she?
But really, it didn't matter anyways, because she was hiding so far back in the closet she wasn't sure she would ever see the light of day. It had been one of the most painful, terrifying moments of her life when she realized that she might not be entirely straight. So horrible had the realization been that she had run straight into the arms of the first guy she could think of- Puck. She had been desperate for some way to prove to herself that she was delusional, that she was completely straight and loved guys and was just imagining things.
Obviously, sleeping with Puck had only complicated things further, and she wished more than anything that she could go back in time when she realized that, not only was she quite possibly gay, she was also quite possibly pregnant. On the bright side, becoming a social pariah had left her with a whole lot of free time to think, and she had certainly made good use of it. That had been when she had first hatched her brilliant plan of just remaining celibate until she could get out of Lima- nobody was going to question her hesitance to jump back into the dating game after an unplanned teen pregnancy.
So. She had been set, until God decided she hadn't suffered enough and had thrown Rachel Berry at her. Even then, she had thought that it might be manageable, until the afternoon that Rachel bounded into Glee and gathered the others around her.
She had been deadly serious as she had explained that gay teens were statistically more likely to commit suicide than their straight counterparts, and that she was worried about Kurt due to the intense bullying he faced. When she laid out a plan which detailed ways in which the Gleeks could go out of their way to make sure Kurt was doing okay, not one single objection was raised. Everyone seemed to have sobered at the thought of anything actually happening to one of them, and for once everyone was in support of Rachel.
The coming weeks were absolute misery. She stood by and watched as every single Glee Club member went above and beyond to make sure that Kurt was safe and that he knew he was loved. She knew that it probably made her look like a bitter, jealous, needy bitch who couldn't handle someone else having the spotlight, but she couldn't help the fact that she hated how much support Kurt got. It wasn't that she begrudged him the support and attention itself, per say, it was more the fact that everyone in Glee (but especially her) assumed that he was the only one out there who needed it.
There may also have been an undercurrent of envy to her assessment of the situation. Kurt was so comfortable in his own skin, so accepting of who he was, and she just wished she could be like that too. She wished she had people who would validate how she felt and tell her it was okay, that they loved her anyways. But she couldn't, and he could, and so he was the one who everyone worried about and tried to check up on.
She contemplated the idea of pouring her heart out to everyone about what her life was really like, because then they might start to rally around her like they did with him. It was a sound idea, in theory, but she just...she couldn't quite bring herself to expose that much of herself, especially not in a quest for attention. She was worried that it might just come off as her trying to drag the spotlight onto herself and capitalize off of the less-than-ideal aspects of her life. She had personally always detested people who used personal tragedy as a means to gain sympathy and attention, and she was determined to never be like that.
Still, though, the idea was tempting. It was obvious that nobody was ever going to figure it out otherwise- even Rachel, for all her talk of being a little bit psychic and having a sixth sense, had no clue. And she supposed it was true, the whole pregnant at sixteen thing didn't exactly scream “gay” (although statistically, gay teens were far more likely to become pregnant, a statistic she had unfortunately proven correct). The point was that nobody had ever cared enough to ask, and so she was left to her own devices. It might not have been her brightest plan, but deciding to see if anyone would notice her hurting was the best that she could come up with. She certainly didn't have anyone at home to care about her, and she just wanted someone- one person, even- to care enough to ask if she was okay. She figured it wasn't entirely unreasonable- if the Gleeks cared about her even a fraction of how much they did for Kurt, she was sure it wouldn't take long for them to notice.
She started out small, not smiling as much and not really laughing a whole lot anymore. It wasn't exactly hard- the smiles and laughter had been forced anyways, so she just stopped trying. She just wanted to see if anybody cared enough to notice, and whether anyone would say anything to her. Even if it was something tiny, just someone taking a second or two to ask if everything was all right, it would have been enough. She didn't need to be the center of attention, and she didn't need to have people throwing rallies in support of her, but something to hang onto, to remind herself that she mattered, would have been nice.
She knew that it might come off as a desperate ploy for attention, and in a way it was...but it wasn't really about that. Well, it was, but...god. It was so hard to articulate why she would ever contemplate such a stupid idea. She supposed what it came down to was seeing if she really mattered. Because people who mattered? They had someone that would ask the hard questions if they needed to be asked, and she just wanted to see if anyone was willing to step up and be that person for her.
She hadn't had very high hopes when she made the decision to go through with her plan, but it still stung when nobody said a word. She kept trying for a couple weeks, but nobody seemed to notice, and after a while she stopped feeling hurt and just felt sad instead. She hated that she was so trapped in her facade of perfection and independence, and she hated her own weakness and dependence on what other people thought of her.
From there, a slow downward spiral began. When it became clear that nobody was going to say anything, she decided it was time to try something else. It had started small, just a few little marks on her ribcage, and she had waited to see if anyone would ask why she was just the tiniest bit stiff when they danced in Glee. When nobody noticed, a series of larger marks had appeared, spreading to include her upper thighs. Still, nobody noticed, or if they did they certainly didn't do anything about it. It might have been her own fault, because she was just so used to pretending that things were fine, but the fact that nobody noticed hurt more than the marks themselves.
She knew that she was playing into so many cliches it was pathetic, but she couldn't seem to make herself stop. And anyways, it was better at least to have some hope that if she kept trying, maybe someone would eventually notice.
Five months later, she had countless hidden scars but was still painfully alone. Every time she walked into Glee, she was faced with Rachel and at least one other person checking on Kurt and going out of their way to make sure he was okay. Every now and then, Rachel's gaze would fall on her, but the brunette seemed not to even see that she was there anymore, much less that she was desperately looking for someone to rescue her from herself.
After another month, she couldn't help but start thinking that maybe it was hopeless. Nobody had cared so far, and it was already like she wasn't really there. Maybe if she was actually gone, they could find someone who was more than just a warm body to keep on the dance floor.
She thought about her decision for a long time, maybe out of some last desperate hope that someone might catch on and stop her, but when an additional two months had passed she ran out of reasons to put it off. Her parents were gone on vacation the night she finally found herself without any excuses left. There was certainly no shortage of pills and alcohol, and she wondered briefly what her parents would do when they found out. Not pausing to really think about it, she grabbed what she need before heading to her room.
She sat at her desk, pulling a crisp envelope out of the drawer. She had looked at the letter as a chance to finally say everything she had been unable to while she was alive, and it had been pathetic to see on paper just how petrified she had been of using her voice for anything other than singing the occasional song. Still, she felt she owed it to herself to take her last opportunity to break the silence, even if she wasn't going to be around to see the results.
After making sure the envelope was clearly visible on her desk, she took a handful of sleeping pills, washing each one down with a swallow of vodka. She had fucked up a lot of things in her life, and she wasn't going to let this be one more thing she failed at.
As she laid down on her bed, she tried to focus on her breathing- the steady in and out was soothing, and she soon felt herself drifting, half awake and half asleep. As she felt sleep poking at the edges of her mind, she wondered idly how long it would take for someone (anyone) to get worried enough to check on her. Her last thought before she slipped into unconsciousness was that it was fitting, that her death would be as silent as her life.
****************
She would probably have laughed, had she known it would be Rachel who would finally grow concerned enough to check on her. She would have laughed even more when she found out that the brunette was only two days too late.
It might have pained her, to see how broken everyone in Glee Club was after they learned her secrets.
To see Rachel sitting on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around herself as she cried. To see Puck, sitting in a chair staring into space, seemingly unable to do anything but clench his fists in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. To see Finn, standing awkwardly above Rachel as he tried to figure out what was the proper thing to do when your ex-girlfriend had killed herself because she was gay for your current girlfriend, who was sobbing on the floor. To see Brittany and Santana and Tina and Mercedes and everyone else crying and holding each other to try to provide some semblance of comfort. But most of all, perhaps, it might have pained her to see Kurt sitting there, white as a sheet, silent tears running down his cheeks as he silently mouthed “why?” over and over.
There might have been some small feeling of relief at seeing them realize, finally, that she had needed them desperately. Mostly, though, she would probably have been sad to see them so lost and broken.
But then again, she had been broken for so long without any of them noticing that it might also have been hard to summon that much sympathy for them after all.