"Since I gave up HOPE, I feel much better."
Way back in the day (that is, almost 30 years ago), I wore a button on my jean jacket that said: Since I gave up HOPE, I feel much better.
It was kind of a joke, because I had a friend in high school whose name was Revolutionary Hope. (Really. Yes, her parents were hippie types.) She had moved to that town the same year my family did, so she was also new as a freshman, and initially she went by the name Hope. After a year or two though she switched to being called Revi. Hence the button.
This comes to mind today because of a link I saw on my Facebook to an article, "To The Hopeful Adoptive Mother Who Is Losing Hope."
It's certainly kindly meant. The woman who wrote it spent 8 years trying to have a biological child herself, and then had the rug pulled out from under her with a prospective adoption, then they ended up with that child after all.
BUT. I don't want to hear happy ending stories, because (so far at least) I don't HAVE a happy ending. I especially don't want to hear happy ending stories that tell me to "Believe in miracles. And know that God loves you."
Because, no, there ARE no miracles, and there IS no god. And I can't believe in something that doesn't exist.
I just want reality. Preferably a reality in which a birth mother decides she wants us to parent her child, of course. But after 13 months with no contacts, and only one scamming email, even, I think I might need to give up hope to feel better.
Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, or next week, but that's how I feel today.
It was kind of a joke, because I had a friend in high school whose name was Revolutionary Hope. (Really. Yes, her parents were hippie types.) She had moved to that town the same year my family did, so she was also new as a freshman, and initially she went by the name Hope. After a year or two though she switched to being called Revi. Hence the button.
This comes to mind today because of a link I saw on my Facebook to an article, "To The Hopeful Adoptive Mother Who Is Losing Hope."
It's certainly kindly meant. The woman who wrote it spent 8 years trying to have a biological child herself, and then had the rug pulled out from under her with a prospective adoption, then they ended up with that child after all.
BUT. I don't want to hear happy ending stories, because (so far at least) I don't HAVE a happy ending. I especially don't want to hear happy ending stories that tell me to "Believe in miracles. And know that God loves you."
Because, no, there ARE no miracles, and there IS no god. And I can't believe in something that doesn't exist.
I just want reality. Preferably a reality in which a birth mother decides she wants us to parent her child, of course. But after 13 months with no contacts, and only one scamming email, even, I think I might need to give up hope to feel better.
Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, or next week, but that's how I feel today.