girls, art, life.
just what you were hoping for, another post from me.
another post about how wonderful and beautiful my girlfriend is, even though we hardly get to see each other lately. for some reason ive been watching all these canonical lesbian movies lately (the word always reminds me of nicole spending a whole night saying lehzbeein in this drawl, just cause she finds it so silly...). she sent me a link to one clip on youtube and suddeny 4 hours passed. i dont know why im so into it. ive never really watched any. they are both as bad as and better than i expected. the funny thing is, in movies and in life, i see people who are attractive, and then realize that they remind me of her, or that i think shes like that only better. all these movies just make me miss her. i was even looking on craigslist the other day, just for giggles (i blame you caro), and amid all the scary cases, one woman seemed nice and normal, and she was pretty hot too. and what did i do? i wrote her an email saying that im not looking but shes adorable and i hope it works out. god im a dork.
another post about art. im finishing a drawing i started a month or two ago, but got stuck on. still slow going, but i solved the major problem, so i think i will finish it by next week. its completely romantic, in a wittig kind of way. ill probly post it for ya when its done. i dont think anyone here has actually seen what i really do. and by here i also mean toronto. also i have some smaller ones, so ill be doing more of those. i may actually have enough for a new portfolio soon. and dammit, i really like them. they feel right, and they are true to what im interested in. i have no idea what anyone else will think. but either they get them or they dont. theres other things too. slow, but building. what i am doing is basically the progress of something i wanted to do when i started grad school, but i was afraid. i didnt know why i wanted it, and i was afraid it was stupid and it would never work. my thinking has evolved, this feels as solid as it can be. i have no idea if or how i would defend it if someone asked, and yet i am sure that i could at least leave without feeling it was bad or stupid. i still get scared, but the stakes are so low, why not just do it?
another post about trying not to be sad. its a battle, every day. i get better at it, but it never goes away. maybe it never will. i spend all day trying to move from the total hopelessness of dragging myself out of bed to feeling okay about myself and my life before i fall asleep. nick helps, but mainly in that somehow she sees me the way i want to see myself, good and bad. theres a cliche about how a couple should never go to sleep angry. i just try not to go to sleep hating myself. think of something good, and maybe a sliver of it will stay all the way to morning.
there are no epiphanies anymore. just slow plodding through life. its like hiking and riding fixed-gear: you have to move to move.
i said to someone the other day, and realised i believed it: what a bore life would be if we got to the end of it and thought well, thats pretty much what i had planned. as scary as it is, ill take a life of surprises and adventures, thank you. (please let me keep this one for a long time though, ok?)
another post about how wonderful and beautiful my girlfriend is, even though we hardly get to see each other lately. for some reason ive been watching all these canonical lesbian movies lately (the word always reminds me of nicole spending a whole night saying lehzbeein in this drawl, just cause she finds it so silly...). she sent me a link to one clip on youtube and suddeny 4 hours passed. i dont know why im so into it. ive never really watched any. they are both as bad as and better than i expected. the funny thing is, in movies and in life, i see people who are attractive, and then realize that they remind me of her, or that i think shes like that only better. all these movies just make me miss her. i was even looking on craigslist the other day, just for giggles (i blame you caro), and amid all the scary cases, one woman seemed nice and normal, and she was pretty hot too. and what did i do? i wrote her an email saying that im not looking but shes adorable and i hope it works out. god im a dork.
another post about art. im finishing a drawing i started a month or two ago, but got stuck on. still slow going, but i solved the major problem, so i think i will finish it by next week. its completely romantic, in a wittig kind of way. ill probly post it for ya when its done. i dont think anyone here has actually seen what i really do. and by here i also mean toronto. also i have some smaller ones, so ill be doing more of those. i may actually have enough for a new portfolio soon. and dammit, i really like them. they feel right, and they are true to what im interested in. i have no idea what anyone else will think. but either they get them or they dont. theres other things too. slow, but building. what i am doing is basically the progress of something i wanted to do when i started grad school, but i was afraid. i didnt know why i wanted it, and i was afraid it was stupid and it would never work. my thinking has evolved, this feels as solid as it can be. i have no idea if or how i would defend it if someone asked, and yet i am sure that i could at least leave without feeling it was bad or stupid. i still get scared, but the stakes are so low, why not just do it?
another post about trying not to be sad. its a battle, every day. i get better at it, but it never goes away. maybe it never will. i spend all day trying to move from the total hopelessness of dragging myself out of bed to feeling okay about myself and my life before i fall asleep. nick helps, but mainly in that somehow she sees me the way i want to see myself, good and bad. theres a cliche about how a couple should never go to sleep angry. i just try not to go to sleep hating myself. think of something good, and maybe a sliver of it will stay all the way to morning.
there are no epiphanies anymore. just slow plodding through life. its like hiking and riding fixed-gear: you have to move to move.
i said to someone the other day, and realised i believed it: what a bore life would be if we got to the end of it and thought well, thats pretty much what i had planned. as scary as it is, ill take a life of surprises and adventures, thank you. (please let me keep this one for a long time though, ok?)