I Fear the Future
I constantly feel like I'm moving closer and closer towards a complete mental breakdown, or a split with reality, or something equally as awful. Maybe I just need more sleep. I keep running and running and running, because I hate to be stuck at home, and I hate to be bored, and I'm running from being upset... but I can't outrun it.
I feel extreme loneliness and isolation lately. I feel like a burden if I'm sad, and I always want to be the life of the party, not the emotional basketcase bawling in the corner. The other night I had an awful night, and usually I can hold in my sadness, and try to have a good time despite everything, but with the alcohol, I couldn't hide the sadness, and I bawled for a good couple hours, mostly alone. I snuck out to my car Saturday night at my friend's birthday party so I wouldn't ruin his birthday or my other friend's good time with the sweet guy she just met. It made me feel even worse that anyone that I wanted to talk to, I didn't want to ruin their night with my problems.
I feel like no one will really ever love me romantically, and am frustrated with myself that I want something so elusive and so indefinate so badly. I feel like guys don't give a shit what's beyond my exterior.. because I'm just a collective set of holes to stick penises in, apparently. Why do you have to be a prude to get any sort of respect? Nothing has really changed, though. When I was a virgin, guys just wanted to fuck me to be the one that finally did it... now, guys just want to fuck me cause I'm have the applicable holes. I want to scream at them, I HAVE A PERSONALITY, I HAVE A BRAIN, I HAVE A WITTY SENSE OF HUMOR, I HAVE INTELLIGENCE, I HAVE FEELINGS, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. TREAT ME WITH SOME GODDAMN RESPECT AS A HUMAN BEING. And I don't want to have to be a prude to get that.
I constantly feel like crying, and sometimes I just get so fed up with everything I want to hide in bed for days at a time, safe under the covers and with the cats. I'm tired of having to put on a happy face when I feel like my insides are being shredded (and only sometimes do I have a REAL reason for all of it). I think I'm having another episode with depression, maybe, which scares me to death. I've tried SO GODDAMN HARD to keep from falling into that trap again, that I climbed out of years ago and always feared a relapse.
I feel alone, unloved, nervous, stressed out, sick to my stomach, unattractive, unrespected, and undesired. The good thing about my breakdown the other night was it actually gave me the freedom to bawl. I'm so used to holding it in it took a mass quantity of alcohol for me to let loose. That's sad.
I feel extreme loneliness and isolation lately. I feel like a burden if I'm sad, and I always want to be the life of the party, not the emotional basketcase bawling in the corner. The other night I had an awful night, and usually I can hold in my sadness, and try to have a good time despite everything, but with the alcohol, I couldn't hide the sadness, and I bawled for a good couple hours, mostly alone. I snuck out to my car Saturday night at my friend's birthday party so I wouldn't ruin his birthday or my other friend's good time with the sweet guy she just met. It made me feel even worse that anyone that I wanted to talk to, I didn't want to ruin their night with my problems.
I feel like no one will really ever love me romantically, and am frustrated with myself that I want something so elusive and so indefinate so badly. I feel like guys don't give a shit what's beyond my exterior.. because I'm just a collective set of holes to stick penises in, apparently. Why do you have to be a prude to get any sort of respect? Nothing has really changed, though. When I was a virgin, guys just wanted to fuck me to be the one that finally did it... now, guys just want to fuck me cause I'm have the applicable holes. I want to scream at them, I HAVE A PERSONALITY, I HAVE A BRAIN, I HAVE A WITTY SENSE OF HUMOR, I HAVE INTELLIGENCE, I HAVE FEELINGS, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. TREAT ME WITH SOME GODDAMN RESPECT AS A HUMAN BEING. And I don't want to have to be a prude to get that.
I constantly feel like crying, and sometimes I just get so fed up with everything I want to hide in bed for days at a time, safe under the covers and with the cats. I'm tired of having to put on a happy face when I feel like my insides are being shredded (and only sometimes do I have a REAL reason for all of it). I think I'm having another episode with depression, maybe, which scares me to death. I've tried SO GODDAMN HARD to keep from falling into that trap again, that I climbed out of years ago and always feared a relapse.
I feel alone, unloved, nervous, stressed out, sick to my stomach, unattractive, unrespected, and undesired. The good thing about my breakdown the other night was it actually gave me the freedom to bawl. I'm so used to holding it in it took a mass quantity of alcohol for me to let loose. That's sad.