A Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy
I hate when I can see things clearly, but have no idea what to do about a situation. I guess life is all trial and error, with mostly error, and you just have to fucking go for it and hope for the best, and when the worst happens (as it undoubtedly will), just move on and survive.
I want to do more than survive. I want to live life to the fullest. I want a deep emotional and sexual connection with someone, but I know it's going to cause me more pain to want that than anything. I'm supposed to say, "I don't want anything or anyone; I am fine all alone and relationships cause too much pain to be bothered with." But I can't do that. I want complete honest communication; I want someone to know me completely, and not feel like I have to hide anything from them for fear they will reject me. Even in my friendships, I feel like I can't be sad, because no one likes a sad sack of shit. We like good times, and we feed on each other's company to produce them.
I want desperately to open up and not have to fear rejection more than I experience joy. I can't open up, though, because I fear the pain of it all. Every time I've opened up and fallen for someone, it is either not reciprocated or reciprocated but rejected for other reasons, and has caused me endless emotional turmoil. I'm tired of emotional turmoil, and since the only cure that I can see is either to toughen up and create a little shell around my emotions, or find someone that will fulfill the part of me in which the growth has been stunted. The latter is a one in a million find, and most of the time I doubt that it will ever happen to me. I'll end up settling for someone because I don't want to die alone, but I'll never be fulfilled.
I'm torn between wanting to be an emotional being, and wanting to be strong and tough as fucking nails, and not let anything upset me. I hate the female characteristic of being driven by emotions over logic, but logic is a cold bedfellow. Emotion and passion gives color to life... and I hate to admit it, but it does. I've been searching in guy after guy for a soulmate, I guess. He probably doesn't exist, and when he lets me down, it's almost devastating, and it's embarrassing to admit that I didn't have enough control over these emotions not to let them get me down. I want to be happy alone and happy in myself so I don't have to be subjected to the whim of some guy. I have a lot of personal growth to do.
The plan I have currently to deal with this guy? I guess I'm going to subject myself to night after night of being angry and hurt, and maybe in the process I'll "toughen up" or learn something more than I would by shunning him and running away from the pain. Maybe I'll be a masochist for a bit.
I want to do more than survive. I want to live life to the fullest. I want a deep emotional and sexual connection with someone, but I know it's going to cause me more pain to want that than anything. I'm supposed to say, "I don't want anything or anyone; I am fine all alone and relationships cause too much pain to be bothered with." But I can't do that. I want complete honest communication; I want someone to know me completely, and not feel like I have to hide anything from them for fear they will reject me. Even in my friendships, I feel like I can't be sad, because no one likes a sad sack of shit. We like good times, and we feed on each other's company to produce them.
I want desperately to open up and not have to fear rejection more than I experience joy. I can't open up, though, because I fear the pain of it all. Every time I've opened up and fallen for someone, it is either not reciprocated or reciprocated but rejected for other reasons, and has caused me endless emotional turmoil. I'm tired of emotional turmoil, and since the only cure that I can see is either to toughen up and create a little shell around my emotions, or find someone that will fulfill the part of me in which the growth has been stunted. The latter is a one in a million find, and most of the time I doubt that it will ever happen to me. I'll end up settling for someone because I don't want to die alone, but I'll never be fulfilled.
I'm torn between wanting to be an emotional being, and wanting to be strong and tough as fucking nails, and not let anything upset me. I hate the female characteristic of being driven by emotions over logic, but logic is a cold bedfellow. Emotion and passion gives color to life... and I hate to admit it, but it does. I've been searching in guy after guy for a soulmate, I guess. He probably doesn't exist, and when he lets me down, it's almost devastating, and it's embarrassing to admit that I didn't have enough control over these emotions not to let them get me down. I want to be happy alone and happy in myself so I don't have to be subjected to the whim of some guy. I have a lot of personal growth to do.
The plan I have currently to deal with this guy? I guess I'm going to subject myself to night after night of being angry and hurt, and maybe in the process I'll "toughen up" or learn something more than I would by shunning him and running away from the pain. Maybe I'll be a masochist for a bit.