back again and feeling wonderful
Its funny how I always come back to LJ when the shit really hits the fan. I was writing in a notebook but it got stolen by another person on the ship and used for work. Go figure. The navy will never cease to amaze me when it comes to how much it can steal parts of my personal life a little at a time. I figure though they can only take this away from me when Im out to sea and then I will just write emails to myself.
It has been a non stop bad feeling for weeks now. I have tried everyday to make me feel better about Caitlin leaving and it just does not work. There are very few moments in my day that I dont think about her. I feel like it just might drive me up the wall. All I have wanted for the longest time is to be with her. And not 3000 miles away. I missed her as much then as I do now but its different knowing that the one woman you would ever want is gone and most likely for ever. Every time I hear her voice I die a little more inside because I hear her moving farther and farther away. I hear in her voice the distrust she has for me grow. I know she only talks to me know because she feels sorry for me and thinks that I might do something to myself. I want her to talk to me like she still loved me. I would give both my legs to hear her call me snookie and do that little awww sound. I just miss everything about her.
I actually have a friend though now who will actually listen to me when I talk about all this and it helped a little. The only problem is I vent it out but I am getting no real resoulution on the whole situation. I dont know what I am supposed to do. I want to fight to get her back but I feel that would push her away even farther. Then I will just want to run away from her and never talk to her again so she doesnt have to deal with me. But I cant do that either. It would kill me even more to know I just let her go like that.
All I really know is that I need to try to get stronger and keep trying to climb out of this hole. Even when the hole keeps going depper and deeper. I also need to thank my lucky stars that I never have the feeling to hurt myself in any way.