Fic: Butterfly Effect 26/? (Big Wolf on Campus, Tommy/Merton, NC17)
More Butterfly Effect. I struggled with this chapter, so...yeah. I have no idea what to say.
ETA: Earlier chapters here.
Chapter Twenty-Six: Transgressions
They didn't talk about what happened. For three days neither of them said a word, not so much as a 'sorry' when they found themselves reaching into the closet for their boots at the same time. Merton didn't acknowledge the fact that Tommy had cleaned up the scraps of torn paper and the CD cases Merton had smashed on his desk, and Tommy didn't mention that he'd rescued the CDs and tucked them away in his own drawer for safekeeping.
He felt a little bit like a stalker when he did it, but he liked the music and it seemed like a shame to toss them just because Merton was mad. Tommy still didn't even know what he was mad about, and chances were he'd regret throwing that stuff away once he'd calmed down.
Only that was the weird part, because Merton wasn't talking to him, but he didn't seem all that angry anymore. If anything he just seemed kind of…focused, and that made Tommy even more nervous than Merton storming around breaking stuff. Granted, they'd only known each other for a month, but that was long enough for Tommy to tell when Merton was plotting something. And he definitely had some plan in the works, one that Tommy was sure would land them both in even more trouble.
Not that Merton really cared who else got hurt by one of his plans, and that alone meant Tommy shouldn't care what happened to him. What he should do was keep as much distance from Merton as possible, especially after that…whatever that was in their room.
He still didn't know what had happened, exactly. All he really remembered was wishing Merton would just tell him what was wrong, reaching out to stop him from leaving and then…then he wasn't sure what. He didn't know whether he'd leaned in or if Merton had somehow gotten closer, but every time he thought about it his cheeks burned and he had to close his eyes for a second.
It wasn't like he'd been planning to kiss Merton. He'd only kissed one person in his life, and that had been a complete disaster. So even if he wanted to kiss Merton he wouldn't know how, because he was pretty sure it didn't just happen the way it did in the movies. It was just that Merton had looked so miserable, and Tommy had wanted to make him forget about whatever was bothering him, just for a second. He just wanted to…to fix it somehow, and he'd even managed to mess that up.
He'd been telling himself for the past three days that it was for the best. Trying to be friends with Merton hadn't done anything but get him into trouble, so if Merton wanted to pretend Tommy didn't exist, that was fine with him. He had plenty of other stuff to keep him busy; there was football, plus they had plenty of homework, and…okay, so that was pretty much it now that none of his other friends would talk to him.
But it was enough to keep him busy; it had to be, because he'd already gotten into enough trouble this year and they'd barely even started yet. The last thing he needed was more complications, and Merton was definitely complicated. Frustrating and infuriating and confusing, and Tommy was better off without him. Only that didn't make it any easier to share a room, and there was no way they could keep this up all year.
Which meant he was going to have to do something about it, because Merton wasn't going to. And Merton's stubborn streak was almost cute at first, but after a month it was just kind of irritating. So far it had gotten Tommy demoted and landed him in the same room as the most unpopular guy in their squadron, and the more Tommy thought about it the angrier he got.
He was so mad by the time he got headed for football practice that he almost didn't notice the person heading straight for him up the path. Tommy spotted him just before they collided, grabbing Merton's shoulders to keep him from slamming directly into Tommy's chest. He opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, but as soon as Merton looked at him he slammed it shut again and clenched his jaw against a fresh surge of fury.
"I thought you finally quit following me around."
"I wasn't," Tommy answered, willing himself not to blush because yeah, okay, for awhile there he'd been doing exactly that, but it sure as hell wasn't going to happen again. If Merton didn't care whether or not he got himself killed, Tommy didn't either. "I'm on my way to practice. And you should watch where you're going."
The last part was added as an afterthought; he meant it to sound like an order, but he couldn't even do that anymore, because Merton just smirked and Tommy wasn't thinking about how good that looked on him. "Or what? You're going to tell your pal Krauss on me? Oh, that's right, you're not friends anymore."
It was a low blow, and for a second Tommy thought he saw a flicker of regret in Merton's eyes. But as soon as it appeared it was gone, and Tommy had to fight the urge to smack the smug look off his face.
"You know what, forget it. You don't care about anybody but yourself. I don't know why I ever bothered."
And he didn't, but it still hurt to say the words. For awhile there he thought…but maybe Merton was right, maybe he didn't really know much about being a good friend. It turned out that all the guys he'd thought were in his corner weren't friends at all, so maybe this was just as much his fault as Merton's.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Merton asked, and Tommy didn't have to look to tell his words had stung. He pushed past Merton, shoulder catching him just a little harder than necessary as he started down the path again.
"It doesn't matter," Tommy said, but he wasn't sure if Merton could hear him. Not that it would make a difference if he did, because Merton probably wouldn't get it anyway. He didn't really care how Tommy felt about any of this; if he had he never would have walked out of their room the way he did, and he sure as hell wouldn't have spent the past three days pretending Tommy didn't exist.
~
For awhile Merton just stood in the center of the path, staring at Tommy's back as he walked away. Even from this distance he could see how tense Tommy was, practically feel the anger radiating off him. And that was just perfect, because Tommy was the one who'd ruined everything, and now he was acting like it was all Merton's fault.
It wasn't like Merton was the one who'd lost his mind and tried to kiss Tommy. And he was positive that was what Tommy had been about to do; just thinking about it now made his whole body shake, because he'd finally let himself believe Tommy really wanted to be friends and then he went and did…that.
It would be one thing if Tommy had really wanted to kiss him. If he wasn't just trying to be a nice guy, trying to give Merton what he figured Merton wanted. And it was just like Tommy to think that, to expect one kiss from him to make Merton forget all about the fact that he'd been cheated on and then dumped. Through an e-mail, and like that wasn't humiliating enough without his roommate trying to give him pity…whatever.
He could just imagine the look on Tommy's face if Merton had actually let him go through with it. First would be shock, then horror, then probably disgust and he'd either get Merton thrown in jail or go running to his goon friends and get them to kill him. He wouldn't do it himself; he was way too nice for that, but he was clueless too and once his friends realized that Tommy wasn't interested they'd let him back in their little private club.
That much Merton was sure of, and he'd figured that Tommy would catch on eventually. He had to have heard at least a couple of the rumors floating around, and even if he didn't believe his friends could really think that about him, he had to know they could definitely think it about Merton. So really Merton was doing him a favor by steering clear of him, because the sooner the rest of the squad figured out that they weren't hanging out anymore, Tommy could have his life back.
He probably wouldn't get to be team leader again or anything, but he'd get to hang out with his friends and do…whatever it was they did together. He'd get to graduate with his reputation intact and go off to become another mindless soldier and yeah, it was a waste, but that was what he wanted. So he should be happy that Merton was ignoring him, but instead he had the nerve to act like Merton was the selfish one.
For a few seconds Merton considered going after Tommy, just to make sure he understood that Merton was the injured party here, and not the other way around. But he really didn't feel like getting into particulars in front of the entire football team; he was pretty sure Roberts was on the team, for one, and the last thing either of them needed was more rumors. Besides, the whole point of ignoring Tommy was to get him to leave Merton alone, and it had worked. It didn't really matter why it had worked.
He was supposed to be headed for track practice, but instead Merton turned toward the barracks and the pay phone in the lobby. He dialed Lori's number and waited impatiently until she answered, launching into his question before she even finished saying 'hello'.
"Do you think I'm selfish?"
"Merton?"
"Yes. Do you think I'm selfish or not."
"You're a boy. Kind of goes with the territory."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, frowning as he glanced around to make sure no one was listening. Everyone was already at their afternoon activities, though, and he was going to have to go to the nurse and fake another injury to get out of blowing off track.
"Come on, Merton, why do you think I like girls?" Lori said, and he could hear the amusement in her voice. "All boys are selfish. They're all thinking about one thing all the time, and it's not how they can make the world a better place."
"We are not."
"Right. Have you read my e-mails yet?"
"Yes," Merton answered, mind racing to remember what they'd said. He'd skimmed them looking for any more information about David and Trent, but she hadn't told him anything that he didn't already know from their last conversation.
"So aren't you going to ask me about Becky?"
"Who?"
Lori let out an exasperated sigh on the other end of the line, and he could picture her rolling her eyes. "The girl I met two weeks ago? The one I told you all about in my e-mail. You didn't even read it, did you?"
"Yes I did. I was just…distracted."
"Right," Lori said in that way that meant she didn't believe him. And he couldn't even blame her, because he remembered vaguely seeing something about some girl, but he'd just assumed Lori had been talking about her friends at school. "Like I said, selfish. Why are you asking, anyway?"
"Tommy's not selfish."
"Your roommate? The 'Be All You Can Be' poster child?"
"Yeah," Merton answered, frowning at the image of Tommy's face when he'd accused Merton of never thinking about anybody but himself. "He's always doing stuff for other people. He's got this whole hero complex thing, it's really annoying."
"God, Merton, you're not falling for him, are you?"
"What? No. Why would you even ask that?" Merton asked, glancing around again even though he knew no one could hear her.
"Because I know you," Lori answered, and that much he really couldn't argue with. She'd been around for pretty much his entire, disastrous love life, but that didn't mean he was falling for Tommy. Because he wasn't. He didn't even…okay, so he liked the guy when he wasn't being infuriating, but that didn't mean he liked him. "You did this with Alistair. As soon as you guys split up you started obsessing over David."
He could hear the part she wasn't saying, the 'and look how that turned out' hanging in the air between them even though no one had said it out loud. But this was nothing like that, because okay, he'd been a little stupid with the whole Alistair thing, but he wasn't doing that with Tommy. He wasn't doing anything with Tommy, because he wanted to get out of here, but not in a body bag.
"I'm not," he hissed into the phone, keeping his voice down even though he was pretty sure the barracks were deserted. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't read about your new girlfriend. Things have just been kind of weird around here the past few days. I'll tell you about it when I e-mail you."
"So that's it."
"I said I was sorry."
"No, Merton," Lori said, still exasperated and he could picture her rolling her eyes. "I meant you're just going to call me out of the blue and ask me if I think you're selfish, then not tell me why?"
He thought about saying yes, because it was way too much to get into over the phone where anybody could hear him. And yeah, they could read his e-mails any time they wanted, but he was pretty sure they weren't or he would have been sent home by now. But he knew Lori was more hurt than she was letting on, and he at least owed her some kind of explanation.
"I had a fight with Tommy," Merton said, leaving out the small detail about his very straight roommate trying to kiss him and make everything better. "He said I never think about anybody but myself."
"So? I thought you didn't care what he thought of you."
"I don't," Merton answered, tensing at the sound of footsteps coming from somewhere inside the barracks. "Look, I have to go."
"Merton…"
"I'll e-mail you later," he said, hanging up the phone before she could answer. He paused long enough to make sure the footsteps weren't coming from the front of the building before he slipped outside and headed for the nurse's office. She had to believe his ribs were still bruised after the beating he'd taken, and at least an afternoon in the infirmary would give him time to think.
ETA: Earlier chapters here.
Chapter Twenty-Six: Transgressions
They didn't talk about what happened. For three days neither of them said a word, not so much as a 'sorry' when they found themselves reaching into the closet for their boots at the same time. Merton didn't acknowledge the fact that Tommy had cleaned up the scraps of torn paper and the CD cases Merton had smashed on his desk, and Tommy didn't mention that he'd rescued the CDs and tucked them away in his own drawer for safekeeping.
He felt a little bit like a stalker when he did it, but he liked the music and it seemed like a shame to toss them just because Merton was mad. Tommy still didn't even know what he was mad about, and chances were he'd regret throwing that stuff away once he'd calmed down.
Only that was the weird part, because Merton wasn't talking to him, but he didn't seem all that angry anymore. If anything he just seemed kind of…focused, and that made Tommy even more nervous than Merton storming around breaking stuff. Granted, they'd only known each other for a month, but that was long enough for Tommy to tell when Merton was plotting something. And he definitely had some plan in the works, one that Tommy was sure would land them both in even more trouble.
Not that Merton really cared who else got hurt by one of his plans, and that alone meant Tommy shouldn't care what happened to him. What he should do was keep as much distance from Merton as possible, especially after that…whatever that was in their room.
He still didn't know what had happened, exactly. All he really remembered was wishing Merton would just tell him what was wrong, reaching out to stop him from leaving and then…then he wasn't sure what. He didn't know whether he'd leaned in or if Merton had somehow gotten closer, but every time he thought about it his cheeks burned and he had to close his eyes for a second.
It wasn't like he'd been planning to kiss Merton. He'd only kissed one person in his life, and that had been a complete disaster. So even if he wanted to kiss Merton he wouldn't know how, because he was pretty sure it didn't just happen the way it did in the movies. It was just that Merton had looked so miserable, and Tommy had wanted to make him forget about whatever was bothering him, just for a second. He just wanted to…to fix it somehow, and he'd even managed to mess that up.
He'd been telling himself for the past three days that it was for the best. Trying to be friends with Merton hadn't done anything but get him into trouble, so if Merton wanted to pretend Tommy didn't exist, that was fine with him. He had plenty of other stuff to keep him busy; there was football, plus they had plenty of homework, and…okay, so that was pretty much it now that none of his other friends would talk to him.
But it was enough to keep him busy; it had to be, because he'd already gotten into enough trouble this year and they'd barely even started yet. The last thing he needed was more complications, and Merton was definitely complicated. Frustrating and infuriating and confusing, and Tommy was better off without him. Only that didn't make it any easier to share a room, and there was no way they could keep this up all year.
Which meant he was going to have to do something about it, because Merton wasn't going to. And Merton's stubborn streak was almost cute at first, but after a month it was just kind of irritating. So far it had gotten Tommy demoted and landed him in the same room as the most unpopular guy in their squadron, and the more Tommy thought about it the angrier he got.
He was so mad by the time he got headed for football practice that he almost didn't notice the person heading straight for him up the path. Tommy spotted him just before they collided, grabbing Merton's shoulders to keep him from slamming directly into Tommy's chest. He opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, but as soon as Merton looked at him he slammed it shut again and clenched his jaw against a fresh surge of fury.
"I thought you finally quit following me around."
"I wasn't," Tommy answered, willing himself not to blush because yeah, okay, for awhile there he'd been doing exactly that, but it sure as hell wasn't going to happen again. If Merton didn't care whether or not he got himself killed, Tommy didn't either. "I'm on my way to practice. And you should watch where you're going."
The last part was added as an afterthought; he meant it to sound like an order, but he couldn't even do that anymore, because Merton just smirked and Tommy wasn't thinking about how good that looked on him. "Or what? You're going to tell your pal Krauss on me? Oh, that's right, you're not friends anymore."
It was a low blow, and for a second Tommy thought he saw a flicker of regret in Merton's eyes. But as soon as it appeared it was gone, and Tommy had to fight the urge to smack the smug look off his face.
"You know what, forget it. You don't care about anybody but yourself. I don't know why I ever bothered."
And he didn't, but it still hurt to say the words. For awhile there he thought…but maybe Merton was right, maybe he didn't really know much about being a good friend. It turned out that all the guys he'd thought were in his corner weren't friends at all, so maybe this was just as much his fault as Merton's.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Merton asked, and Tommy didn't have to look to tell his words had stung. He pushed past Merton, shoulder catching him just a little harder than necessary as he started down the path again.
"It doesn't matter," Tommy said, but he wasn't sure if Merton could hear him. Not that it would make a difference if he did, because Merton probably wouldn't get it anyway. He didn't really care how Tommy felt about any of this; if he had he never would have walked out of their room the way he did, and he sure as hell wouldn't have spent the past three days pretending Tommy didn't exist.
~
For awhile Merton just stood in the center of the path, staring at Tommy's back as he walked away. Even from this distance he could see how tense Tommy was, practically feel the anger radiating off him. And that was just perfect, because Tommy was the one who'd ruined everything, and now he was acting like it was all Merton's fault.
It wasn't like Merton was the one who'd lost his mind and tried to kiss Tommy. And he was positive that was what Tommy had been about to do; just thinking about it now made his whole body shake, because he'd finally let himself believe Tommy really wanted to be friends and then he went and did…that.
It would be one thing if Tommy had really wanted to kiss him. If he wasn't just trying to be a nice guy, trying to give Merton what he figured Merton wanted. And it was just like Tommy to think that, to expect one kiss from him to make Merton forget all about the fact that he'd been cheated on and then dumped. Through an e-mail, and like that wasn't humiliating enough without his roommate trying to give him pity…whatever.
He could just imagine the look on Tommy's face if Merton had actually let him go through with it. First would be shock, then horror, then probably disgust and he'd either get Merton thrown in jail or go running to his goon friends and get them to kill him. He wouldn't do it himself; he was way too nice for that, but he was clueless too and once his friends realized that Tommy wasn't interested they'd let him back in their little private club.
That much Merton was sure of, and he'd figured that Tommy would catch on eventually. He had to have heard at least a couple of the rumors floating around, and even if he didn't believe his friends could really think that about him, he had to know they could definitely think it about Merton. So really Merton was doing him a favor by steering clear of him, because the sooner the rest of the squad figured out that they weren't hanging out anymore, Tommy could have his life back.
He probably wouldn't get to be team leader again or anything, but he'd get to hang out with his friends and do…whatever it was they did together. He'd get to graduate with his reputation intact and go off to become another mindless soldier and yeah, it was a waste, but that was what he wanted. So he should be happy that Merton was ignoring him, but instead he had the nerve to act like Merton was the selfish one.
For a few seconds Merton considered going after Tommy, just to make sure he understood that Merton was the injured party here, and not the other way around. But he really didn't feel like getting into particulars in front of the entire football team; he was pretty sure Roberts was on the team, for one, and the last thing either of them needed was more rumors. Besides, the whole point of ignoring Tommy was to get him to leave Merton alone, and it had worked. It didn't really matter why it had worked.
He was supposed to be headed for track practice, but instead Merton turned toward the barracks and the pay phone in the lobby. He dialed Lori's number and waited impatiently until she answered, launching into his question before she even finished saying 'hello'.
"Do you think I'm selfish?"
"Merton?"
"Yes. Do you think I'm selfish or not."
"You're a boy. Kind of goes with the territory."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, frowning as he glanced around to make sure no one was listening. Everyone was already at their afternoon activities, though, and he was going to have to go to the nurse and fake another injury to get out of blowing off track.
"Come on, Merton, why do you think I like girls?" Lori said, and he could hear the amusement in her voice. "All boys are selfish. They're all thinking about one thing all the time, and it's not how they can make the world a better place."
"We are not."
"Right. Have you read my e-mails yet?"
"Yes," Merton answered, mind racing to remember what they'd said. He'd skimmed them looking for any more information about David and Trent, but she hadn't told him anything that he didn't already know from their last conversation.
"So aren't you going to ask me about Becky?"
"Who?"
Lori let out an exasperated sigh on the other end of the line, and he could picture her rolling her eyes. "The girl I met two weeks ago? The one I told you all about in my e-mail. You didn't even read it, did you?"
"Yes I did. I was just…distracted."
"Right," Lori said in that way that meant she didn't believe him. And he couldn't even blame her, because he remembered vaguely seeing something about some girl, but he'd just assumed Lori had been talking about her friends at school. "Like I said, selfish. Why are you asking, anyway?"
"Tommy's not selfish."
"Your roommate? The 'Be All You Can Be' poster child?"
"Yeah," Merton answered, frowning at the image of Tommy's face when he'd accused Merton of never thinking about anybody but himself. "He's always doing stuff for other people. He's got this whole hero complex thing, it's really annoying."
"God, Merton, you're not falling for him, are you?"
"What? No. Why would you even ask that?" Merton asked, glancing around again even though he knew no one could hear her.
"Because I know you," Lori answered, and that much he really couldn't argue with. She'd been around for pretty much his entire, disastrous love life, but that didn't mean he was falling for Tommy. Because he wasn't. He didn't even…okay, so he liked the guy when he wasn't being infuriating, but that didn't mean he liked him. "You did this with Alistair. As soon as you guys split up you started obsessing over David."
He could hear the part she wasn't saying, the 'and look how that turned out' hanging in the air between them even though no one had said it out loud. But this was nothing like that, because okay, he'd been a little stupid with the whole Alistair thing, but he wasn't doing that with Tommy. He wasn't doing anything with Tommy, because he wanted to get out of here, but not in a body bag.
"I'm not," he hissed into the phone, keeping his voice down even though he was pretty sure the barracks were deserted. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't read about your new girlfriend. Things have just been kind of weird around here the past few days. I'll tell you about it when I e-mail you."
"So that's it."
"I said I was sorry."
"No, Merton," Lori said, still exasperated and he could picture her rolling her eyes. "I meant you're just going to call me out of the blue and ask me if I think you're selfish, then not tell me why?"
He thought about saying yes, because it was way too much to get into over the phone where anybody could hear him. And yeah, they could read his e-mails any time they wanted, but he was pretty sure they weren't or he would have been sent home by now. But he knew Lori was more hurt than she was letting on, and he at least owed her some kind of explanation.
"I had a fight with Tommy," Merton said, leaving out the small detail about his very straight roommate trying to kiss him and make everything better. "He said I never think about anybody but myself."
"So? I thought you didn't care what he thought of you."
"I don't," Merton answered, tensing at the sound of footsteps coming from somewhere inside the barracks. "Look, I have to go."
"Merton…"
"I'll e-mail you later," he said, hanging up the phone before she could answer. He paused long enough to make sure the footsteps weren't coming from the front of the building before he slipped outside and headed for the nurse's office. She had to believe his ribs were still bruised after the beating he'd taken, and at least an afternoon in the infirmary would give him time to think.