I'm not ok
I haven't been myself lately. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I can't get happy anymore. I don't like feeling this way and I don't want to feel this way. I'm hurting myself as well as everyone around me. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I really love you guys...everyone who reads this...though if you've been around me lately you might not know it. I'm just so tired of not being able find anything that makes me happy anymore. I used to always be able to shut out the world for a while, escape with a book or a video game or music, but it doesn't work anymore. I'm still sad while I'm reading and while I'm fighting space pirates, and whenever I put on music...any cd at all that I try to listen to it ends up making me cry. So now what am I supposed to do? Everything that I've been able to rely on to make me smile doesn't work anymore. I'm sick of it and I'm scared. I shouldn't feel like this. I feel guilty for being sad, it seems selfish to cry every morning...it makes me feel like a spoiled little girl throwing a tantrum because I can't have what I want, but what I really WANT isn't anything in particular except to feel comfortable again. That's really the best way to describe it...I'm uncomfortable, I'm worried all the time and nervous and I don't know how to relax anymore and at the same time I don't even know what I'm worried about anymore. I know I shouldn't be worried...I really like myself as a person...I'm intelligent and I'm funny and I'm cute and forgiving and understanding..and I love all those things about me, but that person doesn't seem like me anymore. She's a memory...or she's someone else, someone that I WANT to be...all I am now though is nerves and tears and neurosis and weakness and broken. I hate livejournal entries like this...I'm disgusted with myself for making one, but I'm disgusted wth myself regardless.