The world's greatest question successfully answered, who is the biggest badass?
This question has raged for eons. Is it the Vikings, maybe lumberjacks, ninjas or pirates? (Good stances from both sides come from http://maddox.xmission.com/images/pirate.html vs. http://www.realultimatepower.net/index4.htm) all stances need to covet my twig and berries however. There is no person more bad ass than a sailor. I'm not talking about Navy men. They are on the opposite end of spectrum between where feminine napkins and friendship bracelets (jewelry you buy to guarantee you won't get laid) meet. Here's why I think merchant marines are the biggest badases:
1) They have tight links with truckers. This is the equivalent of having a crazy white trash cousin that will skull fuck someone for the time of day. In additions, this means that you now link the mob with teamsters.
2) Yes I said mob links: fuck man, haven't you ever seen Hoffa? No really I mean have you ever seen Jimmy Hoffa? They are still looking for him. You piss off any one of these two in the alliance you can be freze-dried and shipped to anywhere in the globe at eBay speed. Speaking of that.
3) They do speed: just like the crazy that crazy white trash cousin, they cut more lines than a paraplegic taking a driving test. There has never been a greater invention to the biofeed back loop than this drug. Common sense from previous experiences in life are to be replaced and filed in the "let me tell you how much that concerns me ok I am done" file. You can stay awake for weeks and run through walls. If anyone says anything differently beat them like your house wife cause you wont feel it anyway if you lose. Nothing is better than a methhead. That is other than a pack of methheads. In ship full of them any town they visit should smell their inorganic scent wafting in and run like mother bitches for the hill before they dock. This is because there is nothing worse than a head on a Jenny Crank nose candy diet, other than pack of such beasts. There is something weird this drug does to a man. Sleep quickly takes a backseat with logic but is quickly replaced in the front seat in form by the more hefty goons, persistence and ingenuity. That's right and these two attributes together makes them uncontendable. Tourette fits are dwarfed by this drug's side effects. You will never quit anything they start. You are able to dismantle ANYTHING with or without tools. Like wise, you can clean anything. You give a pack a crankfeins an 8 ball and a toothbrush and they will single handedly solve the nuclear waste problem. There is squeaky clean and there is tweeky clean, this need to purify everything runs deeper than Nazi agendas to atomic levels, cleaning companies have made millions off of these people and they will continue to until this choice chemical structure stops running through veins. In addition, the ingenuity this group has makes MacGyver look like a pussy. If aided by this drug there is not a thing this group cannot construct or repair. Many missile silos have fallen fallow in this country since the cold war. I only hope this particular breed does not learn of such developments. When you have a group that is so spun that they think there is not a damn thing they can't make that is when you get problems. Look at the Aztecs, they built temples without crane and conducted brain surgery with less mortality than today 500 years before the Spaniards came over to trade rice noodles for gold (or something shit like that, who knows, the Conquistadors were partially sailors so they were probably badasses looking for porno mags and cheap cans of stew cause that is what badasses do). Now I am not saying the Aztecs did crank, but I am not not saying that either. I mean you've seen that little god of their's that looks like tattoo from fantasy island only with sharper teeth. That kinda shit can only been seen after years of childhood abuse or vast amounts of sleep deprivation. I'm sure sailors see similar shit.
When you put these two qualities with speed and a pack of men living in small quarters for prolonged periods of no sex and hairband rock any small port town the land in is free for the taking. Even pirates knew better than this. When they entered the port any obstacle in the way is quickly is consumed in a fashion similar to locusts. Anything that proves too vast for man power alone is engineered away, a cup of detergent, a toothpick and a rubber hose quickly combines to make get the fuck out of here rays.
4) They will hump anything in sight.
After being on a boat for a transatlantic ocean liner battling off giant squid with your cock of steel can you really blame them? This purely from a Darwinian sense indicates this species has a higher fitness or the ability to pass on their gene. If my calculations are correct this alone almost guarantees that they will be the sole demographic by 2050. I am sure they will leave a Rosario Dawson ( http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?p=rosario+dawson&fr=FP-tab-img-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8 ) or two to help with this effort but their seeds reach full germination before impact so she isn't even essential to this equation.
5) They can swim. This should be obvious they are on the sea for months at a time. The world is 70% water. If you dominate this category you win world domination by surface area alone.
6) Sex with prostitutes is free game.
There is something that makes a man fearless if he is already suffering from an incurable STD. Now I have not had sex with prostitute or suffered this fate. If I do however I will be the first to ever phone in a bomb threat while robbing a bank and passing out watchtower leaflets. In addition, the prostitute gives the sailor the upper hand in espionage. Yah, think about it. In addition, the women themselves are well skilled at the art of penetration. If a one eyed prostitute comes marching into on of your top secret facility. Even with the most sophisticated security devices will not know how to deal with such a dilemma. This the code WTF security training manuals are always missing. While your flashlight force debates on how to counteract this threat she is already well out the door and well on her way with the H-bomb blueprints.
7) They get paid allot and are union. This I know from experience. I was once union. This designation gives you to god given right to tell anyone within a 10mile radius to go reciprocate with themselves. This of course depends on your union; my united food commercial workers (local 839) came close to this but when all secretly envied the longshoremen’s union. You try to negotiate pension reduction with a man named "two face Tony" or some other crime boss/ union representative and tell me how well it goes. These men have the god given right to shovel shit in your car at your red light if they fancy the need.
8) They drive big cars. Neither Ninja, Vikings, Pirates, et cetera are historically known for driving nice cars. Longshoremen drive bad ass cars. Typically it will be one or all of the three a) a muscle car, b) a truck (always with gun rack) or c) a Cadillac. All of these cars are equally badass. Short of welding all three of them together to make a super car there is simply no other way of exceeding current levels pimp sauce.
9) There are too many other things to list. That pretty much says it, I mean they have a grasp of global positioning devices, close relations with the Coast Guard (which they both know who is the bitch in the relationship). If they ever felt the need to take on the military they would just raid the coast guard, bend them over they rails, have their way with them and commence to steal all of their shit. Any rebuttals would be met with game of slap you crack happy. Other skills to add to their resume is that they can fly (most people don’t know that), and have been known to eat Polar Bear fresh (hand killed of course, who would even dare to speak up to a man across the table from you eating that at the buffet?), the have expert knowledge of shipping routes (duh) and have elaborate bombshelters in icebergs.
10) Lastly, they will kill on site anyone that questions my years of research above. I am just a social scientist who complied with their demands. The human body can only withstand so much torture before one is forced to release such facts.
11) Go fuck yourself. Your following homoerotic icons fellate: Pirates, Cowboys, Vampires, Miners, Lumberjacks, Ninjas, Vikings, Incas, Johnny Unitis, Joe Montana, Anything from Star trek, Firemen, Tony Little, Zulus and Monks. You and your stance have been debunked.
Have a good day.
Captain.
1) They have tight links with truckers. This is the equivalent of having a crazy white trash cousin that will skull fuck someone for the time of day. In additions, this means that you now link the mob with teamsters.
2) Yes I said mob links: fuck man, haven't you ever seen Hoffa? No really I mean have you ever seen Jimmy Hoffa? They are still looking for him. You piss off any one of these two in the alliance you can be freze-dried and shipped to anywhere in the globe at eBay speed. Speaking of that.
3) They do speed: just like the crazy that crazy white trash cousin, they cut more lines than a paraplegic taking a driving test. There has never been a greater invention to the biofeed back loop than this drug. Common sense from previous experiences in life are to be replaced and filed in the "let me tell you how much that concerns me ok I am done" file. You can stay awake for weeks and run through walls. If anyone says anything differently beat them like your house wife cause you wont feel it anyway if you lose. Nothing is better than a methhead. That is other than a pack of methheads. In ship full of them any town they visit should smell their inorganic scent wafting in and run like mother bitches for the hill before they dock. This is because there is nothing worse than a head on a Jenny Crank nose candy diet, other than pack of such beasts. There is something weird this drug does to a man. Sleep quickly takes a backseat with logic but is quickly replaced in the front seat in form by the more hefty goons, persistence and ingenuity. That's right and these two attributes together makes them uncontendable. Tourette fits are dwarfed by this drug's side effects. You will never quit anything they start. You are able to dismantle ANYTHING with or without tools. Like wise, you can clean anything. You give a pack a crankfeins an 8 ball and a toothbrush and they will single handedly solve the nuclear waste problem. There is squeaky clean and there is tweeky clean, this need to purify everything runs deeper than Nazi agendas to atomic levels, cleaning companies have made millions off of these people and they will continue to until this choice chemical structure stops running through veins. In addition, the ingenuity this group has makes MacGyver look like a pussy. If aided by this drug there is not a thing this group cannot construct or repair. Many missile silos have fallen fallow in this country since the cold war. I only hope this particular breed does not learn of such developments. When you have a group that is so spun that they think there is not a damn thing they can't make that is when you get problems. Look at the Aztecs, they built temples without crane and conducted brain surgery with less mortality than today 500 years before the Spaniards came over to trade rice noodles for gold (or something shit like that, who knows, the Conquistadors were partially sailors so they were probably badasses looking for porno mags and cheap cans of stew cause that is what badasses do). Now I am not saying the Aztecs did crank, but I am not not saying that either. I mean you've seen that little god of their's that looks like tattoo from fantasy island only with sharper teeth. That kinda shit can only been seen after years of childhood abuse or vast amounts of sleep deprivation. I'm sure sailors see similar shit.
When you put these two qualities with speed and a pack of men living in small quarters for prolonged periods of no sex and hairband rock any small port town the land in is free for the taking. Even pirates knew better than this. When they entered the port any obstacle in the way is quickly is consumed in a fashion similar to locusts. Anything that proves too vast for man power alone is engineered away, a cup of detergent, a toothpick and a rubber hose quickly combines to make get the fuck out of here rays.
4) They will hump anything in sight.
After being on a boat for a transatlantic ocean liner battling off giant squid with your cock of steel can you really blame them? This purely from a Darwinian sense indicates this species has a higher fitness or the ability to pass on their gene. If my calculations are correct this alone almost guarantees that they will be the sole demographic by 2050. I am sure they will leave a Rosario Dawson ( http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?p=rosario+dawson&fr=FP-tab-img-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8 ) or two to help with this effort but their seeds reach full germination before impact so she isn't even essential to this equation.
5) They can swim. This should be obvious they are on the sea for months at a time. The world is 70% water. If you dominate this category you win world domination by surface area alone.
6) Sex with prostitutes is free game.
There is something that makes a man fearless if he is already suffering from an incurable STD. Now I have not had sex with prostitute or suffered this fate. If I do however I will be the first to ever phone in a bomb threat while robbing a bank and passing out watchtower leaflets. In addition, the prostitute gives the sailor the upper hand in espionage. Yah, think about it. In addition, the women themselves are well skilled at the art of penetration. If a one eyed prostitute comes marching into on of your top secret facility. Even with the most sophisticated security devices will not know how to deal with such a dilemma. This the code WTF security training manuals are always missing. While your flashlight force debates on how to counteract this threat she is already well out the door and well on her way with the H-bomb blueprints.
7) They get paid allot and are union. This I know from experience. I was once union. This designation gives you to god given right to tell anyone within a 10mile radius to go reciprocate with themselves. This of course depends on your union; my united food commercial workers (local 839) came close to this but when all secretly envied the longshoremen’s union. You try to negotiate pension reduction with a man named "two face Tony" or some other crime boss/ union representative and tell me how well it goes. These men have the god given right to shovel shit in your car at your red light if they fancy the need.
8) They drive big cars. Neither Ninja, Vikings, Pirates, et cetera are historically known for driving nice cars. Longshoremen drive bad ass cars. Typically it will be one or all of the three a) a muscle car, b) a truck (always with gun rack) or c) a Cadillac. All of these cars are equally badass. Short of welding all three of them together to make a super car there is simply no other way of exceeding current levels pimp sauce.
9) There are too many other things to list. That pretty much says it, I mean they have a grasp of global positioning devices, close relations with the Coast Guard (which they both know who is the bitch in the relationship). If they ever felt the need to take on the military they would just raid the coast guard, bend them over they rails, have their way with them and commence to steal all of their shit. Any rebuttals would be met with game of slap you crack happy. Other skills to add to their resume is that they can fly (most people don’t know that), and have been known to eat Polar Bear fresh (hand killed of course, who would even dare to speak up to a man across the table from you eating that at the buffet?), the have expert knowledge of shipping routes (duh) and have elaborate bombshelters in icebergs.
10) Lastly, they will kill on site anyone that questions my years of research above. I am just a social scientist who complied with their demands. The human body can only withstand so much torture before one is forced to release such facts.
11) Go fuck yourself. Your following homoerotic icons fellate: Pirates, Cowboys, Vampires, Miners, Lumberjacks, Ninjas, Vikings, Incas, Johnny Unitis, Joe Montana, Anything from Star trek, Firemen, Tony Little, Zulus and Monks. You and your stance have been debunked.
Have a good day.
Captain.