I love Nor Cal
I was just thinking today, that for once I realized that really I like Northern California much more than Southern. Nothing against Southern California, it’s a great place but I liken it to the high school cheerleader that would never let you show her your wiener. Kinda full superficial beautiful in so many ways and would be fun for a weekend but by the end you can’t stand to be around the bitch. I don’t think I am alone on this. I have lived everywhere on the West Coast (as far south as Long Beach and as far north as Seattle) and most people can’t stand Californians moving into their town. What few people fail to recognize is that California is really two different states, Northern and Southern. Most of the people that move into your remote towns and jack up your reality values come from the southern genotype.
You see the Northerners I liken to that to that art fag (homosexuals do not be offended) that you have in a family, know or hate. The south has strip malls, Starbucks and palm trees. The north has poets, crack heads and Chinese laundries. This is what gives our towns character and what rapes the south of any. There is something about running across a hobo throwing up in a storm drain at 7am on your way to work or school that makes you realize that you live in someplace really special. If you drop something on the ground here no matter the value you would rather burn it and take in back in your possession. In the south the sidewalks are so clean you could lick them and in fact I have done this many of times. But outward appearances aside, the south has got the real oddities. Kinda like that god fearing family on your block that is fucked up behind closed doors southern California differs in the same respect.
Short of dog fucking cult status I have not seen weirder customs. For starters I think Starbucks representatives have been sent to kill any sign of culture in existence in the towns. No really I saw a pack of them kicking the crap out of a gypsy for shits and giggles. With the lack of culture CEOs from the butt crack of Satan have moved in for the kill. They have opened oxygen bars, Sharper Images, enema clinics, (because the feeling of purity is to come at the end of a garden hose); new age health clubs, republican parties and cuisine styles that even a starving Rwandan couldn’t love.
I think it is the cuisine that pisses me off the most. My aunt takes me out all the time to really expensive restaurants who engage in such face fucking taste tactics. There is something about the arrogance of taking something like the old world American staple diet like hamburgers and fashioning it a way that would cause an eating disorder to the most obese soul known to man that pisses me off. There is a reason southern California women are so beautiful, it’s because the food around them they or any soul that crosses it would rather starve. Heroine sheik is brewed on that diet.
Slowly I have learned and been somewhat assimilated into the southern California cuisine. For the non-Californian, if you suddenly wonder why you order spaghetti but got rice noodles with vegan gravy and cassava melon substituted for meatballs this probably came from Wolfgang Puck or some other narcotic abusing Southern Californian chef. I remember my first re entry into California culture when I moved down from Portland, Oregon. I was checking out some ones groceries when the most god awful cheese came trudging down the conveyor belt. I have to assume it was cheese. This odd concoction’s goal appeared to try to fuse a fine blend of robust fecal matter with an aroma of rotting flesh. Ultimately the maker of this lactose byproduct was either trying to engage in chemical warfare by causing convulsions by scent or marking a product of pheromones that only attracted incredibly snobby rich people.
As I was checking out this order and making snide comments about how this cheese was killing my will too live and this person kept getting pissed off. This of course does not faze me because I am union (see previous article reason 8) and I would have to simulate sex with her cheese in front of a pack of orphans before I would receive a verbal reprimand. Anyways she stated something about her not being amused and I stated something about the cow and humanity not being happy with her cheese produced and that they should both leave before my sperm count could get even lower and more retarded. Okay, I didn’t really say that because I had been in the retail industry for too long by that stage and lost both my will to live and fight (see “why the retail industry will turn you into a pussy (look at what they did to Jesus)~coming soon).
Beyond the cheese there is also the health craze the southerners started. In the north for the most part if someone wants to diet they just reduce the calorie intake and maybe jog. I think south they take that shit as serious as a bar mitzvah. Not only will the southerners diet and exercise they will take it to a whole new diet. The South Beach Miami diet was created in southern California, don’t be fooled. These people will get a guru or find an ancient custom of dieting of an obscure long disbanded African tribe if they think that this will give them full ionic balance in the process.
Aside from the dieting there are some clinics that are too odd for survival outside of the south. For instance, enema clinics and oxygen bars. Both have two things in common. First they both play the soothing sounds of Enya, Peruvian flutes or whales. Next, like a Narcotics Anonymous meeting there will always be someone in there that is more fucked up than you. At a narcotics anonymous meeting you can tell a crowd of 5 people that you used to give hand jobs for crack and stole from your mother and there will always be that asshole that stands up and says my name is Jimmy and I used to snuff infants for fun and snort Uranium. (For the record I was attending a friend of mine’s NA meeting in Seaside, California not my own. I’m sure you all find this hard to believe). The same thing happens in these new age health clinics.
You can be in a oxygen bar getting an enema and casually bringing up the fact that everything you buy is free trade and that you loomed your own cloth from organic fibers and flew in an albino Eskimo landmine victim from Honduras once a month to make your clothing at the price of his country’s yearly GDP and there will always be that asshole that has a scooter that runs on biodiesel, works at free clinics in war zones, is friends with Enya, practices herbal remedies with organic crystals and tells you he eats his own fecal matter for purity.
In conclusion, this is just a fraction of the reasons why I think NorCal is far superior to SoCal (of course San Diego receives immunity from this rule, probably because the proximity to Mexico). There is nothing worse than a hippy that is other than a self righteous rich aging hippy lacking any form of culture. SoCal appears to harbor and personify this, and for this receives the “suck it” award.
Regions that can suck it award goes to: Southern California.*
Captain.
You see the Northerners I liken to that to that art fag (homosexuals do not be offended) that you have in a family, know or hate. The south has strip malls, Starbucks and palm trees. The north has poets, crack heads and Chinese laundries. This is what gives our towns character and what rapes the south of any. There is something about running across a hobo throwing up in a storm drain at 7am on your way to work or school that makes you realize that you live in someplace really special. If you drop something on the ground here no matter the value you would rather burn it and take in back in your possession. In the south the sidewalks are so clean you could lick them and in fact I have done this many of times. But outward appearances aside, the south has got the real oddities. Kinda like that god fearing family on your block that is fucked up behind closed doors southern California differs in the same respect.
Short of dog fucking cult status I have not seen weirder customs. For starters I think Starbucks representatives have been sent to kill any sign of culture in existence in the towns. No really I saw a pack of them kicking the crap out of a gypsy for shits and giggles. With the lack of culture CEOs from the butt crack of Satan have moved in for the kill. They have opened oxygen bars, Sharper Images, enema clinics, (because the feeling of purity is to come at the end of a garden hose); new age health clubs, republican parties and cuisine styles that even a starving Rwandan couldn’t love.
I think it is the cuisine that pisses me off the most. My aunt takes me out all the time to really expensive restaurants who engage in such face fucking taste tactics. There is something about the arrogance of taking something like the old world American staple diet like hamburgers and fashioning it a way that would cause an eating disorder to the most obese soul known to man that pisses me off. There is a reason southern California women are so beautiful, it’s because the food around them they or any soul that crosses it would rather starve. Heroine sheik is brewed on that diet.
Slowly I have learned and been somewhat assimilated into the southern California cuisine. For the non-Californian, if you suddenly wonder why you order spaghetti but got rice noodles with vegan gravy and cassava melon substituted for meatballs this probably came from Wolfgang Puck or some other narcotic abusing Southern Californian chef. I remember my first re entry into California culture when I moved down from Portland, Oregon. I was checking out some ones groceries when the most god awful cheese came trudging down the conveyor belt. I have to assume it was cheese. This odd concoction’s goal appeared to try to fuse a fine blend of robust fecal matter with an aroma of rotting flesh. Ultimately the maker of this lactose byproduct was either trying to engage in chemical warfare by causing convulsions by scent or marking a product of pheromones that only attracted incredibly snobby rich people.
As I was checking out this order and making snide comments about how this cheese was killing my will too live and this person kept getting pissed off. This of course does not faze me because I am union (see previous article reason 8) and I would have to simulate sex with her cheese in front of a pack of orphans before I would receive a verbal reprimand. Anyways she stated something about her not being amused and I stated something about the cow and humanity not being happy with her cheese produced and that they should both leave before my sperm count could get even lower and more retarded. Okay, I didn’t really say that because I had been in the retail industry for too long by that stage and lost both my will to live and fight (see “why the retail industry will turn you into a pussy (look at what they did to Jesus)~coming soon).
Beyond the cheese there is also the health craze the southerners started. In the north for the most part if someone wants to diet they just reduce the calorie intake and maybe jog. I think south they take that shit as serious as a bar mitzvah. Not only will the southerners diet and exercise they will take it to a whole new diet. The South Beach Miami diet was created in southern California, don’t be fooled. These people will get a guru or find an ancient custom of dieting of an obscure long disbanded African tribe if they think that this will give them full ionic balance in the process.
Aside from the dieting there are some clinics that are too odd for survival outside of the south. For instance, enema clinics and oxygen bars. Both have two things in common. First they both play the soothing sounds of Enya, Peruvian flutes or whales. Next, like a Narcotics Anonymous meeting there will always be someone in there that is more fucked up than you. At a narcotics anonymous meeting you can tell a crowd of 5 people that you used to give hand jobs for crack and stole from your mother and there will always be that asshole that stands up and says my name is Jimmy and I used to snuff infants for fun and snort Uranium. (For the record I was attending a friend of mine’s NA meeting in Seaside, California not my own. I’m sure you all find this hard to believe). The same thing happens in these new age health clinics.
You can be in a oxygen bar getting an enema and casually bringing up the fact that everything you buy is free trade and that you loomed your own cloth from organic fibers and flew in an albino Eskimo landmine victim from Honduras once a month to make your clothing at the price of his country’s yearly GDP and there will always be that asshole that has a scooter that runs on biodiesel, works at free clinics in war zones, is friends with Enya, practices herbal remedies with organic crystals and tells you he eats his own fecal matter for purity.
In conclusion, this is just a fraction of the reasons why I think NorCal is far superior to SoCal (of course San Diego receives immunity from this rule, probably because the proximity to Mexico). There is nothing worse than a hippy that is other than a self righteous rich aging hippy lacking any form of culture. SoCal appears to harbor and personify this, and for this receives the “suck it” award.
Regions that can suck it award goes to: Southern California.*
Captain.