When did it all end?? Short Story
I wrote this short story about a month ago and thought..what the hell why not post it here? Here goes..
When did it all end? I asked myself this question as I watched him from the side of the stage, Julian my boy, he was bringing down the house while his band assaulted my senses and drove the crowd into a frenzy.
I crossed my arms and peered out into the crowd of nameless faces. They were all in a trance, they all wanted him or a part of him and they have never even had a conversation with him. Maybe if they actually spoke to him, they wouldn’t be so in lust with him and realize how fragile he is.
How human he really is, so cold at times and how he froze you out if felt he had to protect himself. He never ever thought of it as freezing anyone out, he was purely doing it for himself and never ever saw how selfish he really was. Everyone who was close to him knew his particular behavior of his, this flaw of his and they dealt with it in various ways. His fellow band mates, well they were used to it but it doesn’t mean they liked it because they didn’t. Michael the drummer ignored it mostly and ignored Julian period when he was kept everyone at arm’s length. Ben the bass player was a bit different. He was more sensitive and took Julian’s strange moods more seriously. Although used to the moods and cold treatment, Ben somehow blamed himself. How did I cope with it? Well, the freezing out, the acting like he didn’t need or care for me had lead to one thing. I simply didn’t care anymore. My feelings of love and desire had been replaced with a lack thereof. He had let go of my hand long time ago and his heart was far away.
As I watch him play to the crowd, I shook my head quietly and stared at his figure. Beautiful man but he had no idea he’s already lost me. He had the crowd under his thumb, they would do anything for him without question but they don’t have our memories. I tapped my thumb against my chin while memories came into view in black and white.
I saw Julian in his very cool vintage leather jacket at the backstage door smoking his cigarette. When he caught sight of me, he immediately opened his arms very wide and his face broke out into a big happy smile. His light blue eyes lit up, his warmth radiated so brightly from him and I wanted to be in his arms right away. I ran to him and was crushed by his hug. My fingers ran down the back of his neck stroking his jet black hair and traveled down his back. I felt his arms holding me close and the heat of our bodies. I put my hand on his chest and looked up into his very handsome face. Julian beamed at me and I was suddenly covered with kisses everywhere. A very hard kiss on my cheeks, a soft kiss on my forehead and a deep long kiss on my lips. His warm tongue penetrated my eager lips while his hands pulled me closer to him. I felt so ALIVE with him, so loved and complete with him. It didn’t matter he was in this awesome rock band that was on the verge of breaking big or he was being interviewed by local papers. He was just my boy, my sweet, open man who saw life with a unique perspective. He gave himself completely to me.
I was snapped back to reality when the crowd’s screaming became deafening. I realized they were ending their song and saw Julian start to run off stage followed by the other two. One of the handlers took Julian’s guitar and handed Michael a towel. Michael came right up to me and extended his hands. I immediately took hold of his hands and smiled happily up at him. I looked at the sweat dripping from his hair and down his neck. I stared at his razor stubble and let my eyes scan to his gold chain around his neck. I looked up into his hazel eyes again and noticed Michael’s expression. He was staring at me curiously but quickly smiled again. He clearly didn’t want me to see his expression. Despite this, I slowly ran my hands down his arms loving how solid Michael was, he wasn’t skinny but had nice muscle tone.
“Mike, you guys drove the crowd into the insane asylum tonight..as always! Are you going to sit down and have a drink babe?”
Michael nodded wiping his sweat with the towel yet keeping his eyes on mine. My fingers played with his gold chain for a moment. Michael watched my fingers and then stared into my eyes. It was an awkward moment and I stepped back from him.
“Umm yeah, well, talk to you later Mike, here comes Jules...I wonder what mood he will be in?”
“Dunno, a good mood I would imagine. We killed it out there! You mean one of his cold moods? I thought he was still seeing the therapist??”
“Afraid not Mike... He stopped going ages ago because he felt there is nothing wrong with him. It hurts his ego or some bullshit like that”
“Typical Julian! I was kind of wondering about that but well, that’s not something I really talk about with Jules because as you know he’s not going to admit to that kind of shit. Hey, I’m gonna catch you later beautiful ok? Stay strong” Michael whispered into my ear and gently stroked my left arm for support. I breathed in Michael’s scent and nodded.
I took a deep breath and gazed at Julian who was coming up behind of Michael with a intense look on his face. I realized this was the cold Julian. He would genuinely be happy to see me but he would be far away from me on every level. Sure enough, Julian took me into his arms and gave me a quick hug instead of the long ones he used to give me. I did not return the hug and merely let him hold me. Julian fixed his light blue eyes on my brown eyes and I couldn’t see the loving man I once loved. His eyes were empty, just totally vacant. A sadness chilled my soul. Julian gave me one of his fake smiles and quickly brushed past me. I blinked and stood there for a moment. I should have been used to him just brushing me aside but this time it made something inside me let go even further. I started talking with some friends who I was expecting who I gave backstage access to. I happily chatted with my girlfriends while I glanced once in awhile at Julian chat with some industry types for awhile and then he saw some of his buddies so he was goofing around with them.
My friend Marissa and Joelle went off to enjoy the food catering table so I looked for Julian and saw him chatting up some tall blonde. I didn’t like that his hand was resting comfortably on her backside but his coldness had been transferred to me so I almost didn’t care. I resisted the urge to smack the blonde. I felt numb inside. Winter had settled inside my heart. I was so deep in thought, that I didn’t even notice when Julian finally came back to me. He gave me another quick fake smile again and put his arms around me. I pulled away a bit not wanting to be particularly close to him. He didn’t seem to notice at all.
“Hey baby! Did you see the crowd? It was soooo fucking insane! Don’t they know that we fart, poop and piss just like they do? Haha this rock star thing is great and never fails to amuse the fuck out of me! Did you think we played well tonight babe?”
I stared into Julian’s eyes past the smile, past the “I’m going to be nice to you right now but later on I will be totally different” façade and merely nodded. I really was tired of mustering up any kind of caring feeling and was tired of pretending I did. I deeply sighed and looked right into Julian’s beautiful eyes that were so lost and covered up with so many walls.
“Julian, when you learn how to respect me and my feelings then we can talk but until then, FUCK YOU”
The words clearly startled my boyfriend and his uncaring attitude was completely lost. He actually looked confused and a bit hurt. He blinked a few times unable to speak and I walked off not wanting to know how he felt either. I saw Michael grabbing his jacket and I put my hand on his arm. Michael knew there was something wrong and I fell into his arms. He held me close and asked me what was wrong. I kept my face to his chest and saw Julian staring at us. He frowned with a look of total confusion on his face and started to walked towards us. I grabbed Michael’s hand and told him that I didn’t want to talk to Julian. It must have been something in my voice or the way I clung to Michael that made him put up his hand in Julian’s face as he blocked him from getting to me.
“Leave her alone Julian. Give her space and go away…” Michael said this with absolute resolve and I noticed his eyes stared hard at Julian. I tightened my grasp on his free hand and gave it a tug. I wanted to be far away from this concert arena, the music, the crowds but not far away from Michael. I needed him more than ever now.
I heard Michael say some more words asking Julian to back off but I didn’t see their faces. Tears of frustration and disappointment clouded my eyes. I started to cry and Michael comforted me.
“It’s ok sweetheart, let’s get out of here, we can go in my car ok? Are your friends here? I will get someone to go get them for you. Hey! Julian..I warn you dude, stay the fuck back. She don’t want to talk to you right now”
Michael firmly held on to my hand and we walked away from Julian. I glanced back at Julian, I saw his confused and hurt expression. I wanted to feel bad but I just couldn’t conjure up the feeling anymore. He looked at me searching my eyes for an explanation unaware his behavior was the reason for so many dysfunction in his life. I turned away and felt Michael’s arm around my shoulders. He told me not to look back and that everything would be ok. I heard Julian protesting loudly now. He was really upset, he demanded to know what what was wrong with me. He said I would be sorry if I tried to leave him and that I would be left with nothing. He was now yelling very loudly which made the remaining people stop and stare at him. I looked back and saw a security guard approaching him. When he started to call us abusive names we were far away from him. When did it all end? Long time ago…
When did it all end? I asked myself this question as I watched him from the side of the stage, Julian my boy, he was bringing down the house while his band assaulted my senses and drove the crowd into a frenzy.
I crossed my arms and peered out into the crowd of nameless faces. They were all in a trance, they all wanted him or a part of him and they have never even had a conversation with him. Maybe if they actually spoke to him, they wouldn’t be so in lust with him and realize how fragile he is.
How human he really is, so cold at times and how he froze you out if felt he had to protect himself. He never ever thought of it as freezing anyone out, he was purely doing it for himself and never ever saw how selfish he really was. Everyone who was close to him knew his particular behavior of his, this flaw of his and they dealt with it in various ways. His fellow band mates, well they were used to it but it doesn’t mean they liked it because they didn’t. Michael the drummer ignored it mostly and ignored Julian period when he was kept everyone at arm’s length. Ben the bass player was a bit different. He was more sensitive and took Julian’s strange moods more seriously. Although used to the moods and cold treatment, Ben somehow blamed himself. How did I cope with it? Well, the freezing out, the acting like he didn’t need or care for me had lead to one thing. I simply didn’t care anymore. My feelings of love and desire had been replaced with a lack thereof. He had let go of my hand long time ago and his heart was far away.
As I watch him play to the crowd, I shook my head quietly and stared at his figure. Beautiful man but he had no idea he’s already lost me. He had the crowd under his thumb, they would do anything for him without question but they don’t have our memories. I tapped my thumb against my chin while memories came into view in black and white.
I saw Julian in his very cool vintage leather jacket at the backstage door smoking his cigarette. When he caught sight of me, he immediately opened his arms very wide and his face broke out into a big happy smile. His light blue eyes lit up, his warmth radiated so brightly from him and I wanted to be in his arms right away. I ran to him and was crushed by his hug. My fingers ran down the back of his neck stroking his jet black hair and traveled down his back. I felt his arms holding me close and the heat of our bodies. I put my hand on his chest and looked up into his very handsome face. Julian beamed at me and I was suddenly covered with kisses everywhere. A very hard kiss on my cheeks, a soft kiss on my forehead and a deep long kiss on my lips. His warm tongue penetrated my eager lips while his hands pulled me closer to him. I felt so ALIVE with him, so loved and complete with him. It didn’t matter he was in this awesome rock band that was on the verge of breaking big or he was being interviewed by local papers. He was just my boy, my sweet, open man who saw life with a unique perspective. He gave himself completely to me.
I was snapped back to reality when the crowd’s screaming became deafening. I realized they were ending their song and saw Julian start to run off stage followed by the other two. One of the handlers took Julian’s guitar and handed Michael a towel. Michael came right up to me and extended his hands. I immediately took hold of his hands and smiled happily up at him. I looked at the sweat dripping from his hair and down his neck. I stared at his razor stubble and let my eyes scan to his gold chain around his neck. I looked up into his hazel eyes again and noticed Michael’s expression. He was staring at me curiously but quickly smiled again. He clearly didn’t want me to see his expression. Despite this, I slowly ran my hands down his arms loving how solid Michael was, he wasn’t skinny but had nice muscle tone.
“Mike, you guys drove the crowd into the insane asylum tonight..as always! Are you going to sit down and have a drink babe?”
Michael nodded wiping his sweat with the towel yet keeping his eyes on mine. My fingers played with his gold chain for a moment. Michael watched my fingers and then stared into my eyes. It was an awkward moment and I stepped back from him.
“Umm yeah, well, talk to you later Mike, here comes Jules...I wonder what mood he will be in?”
“Dunno, a good mood I would imagine. We killed it out there! You mean one of his cold moods? I thought he was still seeing the therapist??”
“Afraid not Mike... He stopped going ages ago because he felt there is nothing wrong with him. It hurts his ego or some bullshit like that”
“Typical Julian! I was kind of wondering about that but well, that’s not something I really talk about with Jules because as you know he’s not going to admit to that kind of shit. Hey, I’m gonna catch you later beautiful ok? Stay strong” Michael whispered into my ear and gently stroked my left arm for support. I breathed in Michael’s scent and nodded.
I took a deep breath and gazed at Julian who was coming up behind of Michael with a intense look on his face. I realized this was the cold Julian. He would genuinely be happy to see me but he would be far away from me on every level. Sure enough, Julian took me into his arms and gave me a quick hug instead of the long ones he used to give me. I did not return the hug and merely let him hold me. Julian fixed his light blue eyes on my brown eyes and I couldn’t see the loving man I once loved. His eyes were empty, just totally vacant. A sadness chilled my soul. Julian gave me one of his fake smiles and quickly brushed past me. I blinked and stood there for a moment. I should have been used to him just brushing me aside but this time it made something inside me let go even further. I started talking with some friends who I was expecting who I gave backstage access to. I happily chatted with my girlfriends while I glanced once in awhile at Julian chat with some industry types for awhile and then he saw some of his buddies so he was goofing around with them.
My friend Marissa and Joelle went off to enjoy the food catering table so I looked for Julian and saw him chatting up some tall blonde. I didn’t like that his hand was resting comfortably on her backside but his coldness had been transferred to me so I almost didn’t care. I resisted the urge to smack the blonde. I felt numb inside. Winter had settled inside my heart. I was so deep in thought, that I didn’t even notice when Julian finally came back to me. He gave me another quick fake smile again and put his arms around me. I pulled away a bit not wanting to be particularly close to him. He didn’t seem to notice at all.
“Hey baby! Did you see the crowd? It was soooo fucking insane! Don’t they know that we fart, poop and piss just like they do? Haha this rock star thing is great and never fails to amuse the fuck out of me! Did you think we played well tonight babe?”
I stared into Julian’s eyes past the smile, past the “I’m going to be nice to you right now but later on I will be totally different” façade and merely nodded. I really was tired of mustering up any kind of caring feeling and was tired of pretending I did. I deeply sighed and looked right into Julian’s beautiful eyes that were so lost and covered up with so many walls.
“Julian, when you learn how to respect me and my feelings then we can talk but until then, FUCK YOU”
The words clearly startled my boyfriend and his uncaring attitude was completely lost. He actually looked confused and a bit hurt. He blinked a few times unable to speak and I walked off not wanting to know how he felt either. I saw Michael grabbing his jacket and I put my hand on his arm. Michael knew there was something wrong and I fell into his arms. He held me close and asked me what was wrong. I kept my face to his chest and saw Julian staring at us. He frowned with a look of total confusion on his face and started to walked towards us. I grabbed Michael’s hand and told him that I didn’t want to talk to Julian. It must have been something in my voice or the way I clung to Michael that made him put up his hand in Julian’s face as he blocked him from getting to me.
“Leave her alone Julian. Give her space and go away…” Michael said this with absolute resolve and I noticed his eyes stared hard at Julian. I tightened my grasp on his free hand and gave it a tug. I wanted to be far away from this concert arena, the music, the crowds but not far away from Michael. I needed him more than ever now.
I heard Michael say some more words asking Julian to back off but I didn’t see their faces. Tears of frustration and disappointment clouded my eyes. I started to cry and Michael comforted me.
“It’s ok sweetheart, let’s get out of here, we can go in my car ok? Are your friends here? I will get someone to go get them for you. Hey! Julian..I warn you dude, stay the fuck back. She don’t want to talk to you right now”
Michael firmly held on to my hand and we walked away from Julian. I glanced back at Julian, I saw his confused and hurt expression. I wanted to feel bad but I just couldn’t conjure up the feeling anymore. He looked at me searching my eyes for an explanation unaware his behavior was the reason for so many dysfunction in his life. I turned away and felt Michael’s arm around my shoulders. He told me not to look back and that everything would be ok. I heard Julian protesting loudly now. He was really upset, he demanded to know what what was wrong with me. He said I would be sorry if I tried to leave him and that I would be left with nothing. He was now yelling very loudly which made the remaining people stop and stare at him. I looked back and saw a security guard approaching him. When he started to call us abusive names we were far away from him. When did it all end? Long time ago…