Feeling Ashamed yet Hopeful
Some definitions for the word ASHAMED are:
ashamed(p): feeling shame or guilt or embarrassment or remorse
A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
I feel ALL of these things right now. I said and did some things last night and today that I'm not proud of. I'm embarrassed and yes, very ashamed of what I did.
1 John 4:7-12 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
"God's Love and Ours
7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does N0T know God, because God is love. 9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son[a] into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for[b] our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God LIVES in us and his love is made complete in us."
Instead of keeping that close to my heart like I usually do, I for my own selfish reasons (my heart was in the right place though), wasn't a child of God last night or today. God lives in me but I had more darkness inside of me last night and earlier today than light. Instead of going to God and letting HIM guide me, take care of things, I went out on my own. I talk the talk but I wasn't walking the walk. I didn't let God have control, I didn't surrender to him, I instead acted like a jackass. I said vile things, horrible hateful things. Today, I said disgusting things to someone who I don't know very well but have spoken to once in awhile. I hurt him, I upset him and there is NO excuse for it. I may not condone or applaud the things he does and stands for but I had no right to use a certain word towards him. I had no right to use that word with my other close friend either. I was on MSN messenger and this word was in full view of all my friends on my list. I deeply apologize to anyone I have offended. I was a real asshole, please forgive me.
I had a visual in my head, here is the original version and what follows is what I saw in my minds eye minutes ago:
I pictured in my head, that I was at the bottom of a mountain, I was covered with dirt, basically filthy. a woman who I AM attracted to was there, she was trying to get me to not climb the mountain. She was pleading with me, telling me she wanted me. I started to climb the mountain anyway not listening to her, I looked back at her, looked at her tear stained face and shook my head. I told her that I just wanted to be her friend, nothing more. I told her i Loved her and always would but I HAD to climb that mountain. Even she, couldn't stop me. I kept climbing further, I heard more women calling to me, telling me they wanted me, needed me emotionally, sexually and everything in between. I ignored their calls and pushed on.
I saw a man at the top of the mountain come into view, he was tall, strong looking and he was waiting for me. He was smiling at me, he knew I would make it to the top, he reached out his hands to me. He called my name, he told me that he was waiting for me. I carefully placed my feet on the rocks and went even faster to reach the top. The voices of the girls below got weaker and weaker. I looked down at my hands, they weren't so dirty anymore, in fact they were almost clean. My body was not caked with mud and dirt like it was before. I was getting cleaner. I looked up at the man, he was in sight now, I grinned at him, he grinned back happily and extended his hand. He welcomed me and told me, he was going to bathe me in the water. I was so happy to get to the top, I didn't look back either. The man than embraced me, he kissed my cheek and took my hand. His hand feel good in mine, I didn't want to let go of it. I noticed his tattoo on his right arm, a celtic band, I followed him to the water. He baptized me and afterward put his arms around my waist. He held on to me beaming with the happiest smile on his face. I felt absolutely radiant, I looked at myself, I was completely clean now, no dirt at all. He told me that he loved me and wanted me to stay with him now and never go back to where I had originally started from. I nodded taking his hands into mine. I promised him I wouldn't. We disappeared into a bright shining light.
What I saw just now was not any girls at the base of the mountain but ME. Me from a few years ago but there were like five of me, different incarnations of me, the way I was at different points in my life. Me with long hair before I cut it so short like a boy, me with with a bandanna on my head trying to be butch, me many years ago before that with a dress on but still not fitting in. I looked back at them..ME in horror. I scrambled up the mountain to get away from myself, not anyone else. As I got closer to the top, I saw someone but it wasn't the man that was there before, it was a woman, she was in a short but modest skirt, she had heels on, but I still couldn't make her out that well. I pushed on, trying my best to get away from what I had been before. I could see her clearer now, she had red nailpolish on, she had makeup on, her hair was long, down to her shoulders. She smiled at me, she reached for my hand. I looked up at her, it was ME, she was me.
Shocked, I stared at her without speaking. Myself just smiled as she pulled me to the top of the mountain alongside her. She embraced me tightly, I suddenly melted into her. I looked down at myself, I was now her, I had the long hair, the makeup, the heels but something felt different. I was all dressed up in feminine things but my heart was not hardened. I looked down at the mountain at the many forms of me. My heart raced, I knew what I had to do in that instant. I went right back down to the bottom, I approached the me with long hair but boyish clothes, I hugged her, I said "Candy, I love you, don't hate yourself, I don't hate you, I will ALWAYS love you". I did it to all of them, they all live inside me. I told them I loved them BUT I was going in a new direction and they had to accept that. I had to leave them behind but they would always be a part of me and I wasn't ashamed of it anymore. I went right back up to the mountain, it took awhile, it was hard but I did it. I ran to the spring drenching myself with water, a dove come down from above, the tiny creature settled on my finger and I gazed at how beautiful it was. I looked above with tears in my eyes and thanked God. I felt free.
I'm sorry to the woman that I also hurt last night. I was a self righteous ass. I was wrong. God lives in me, I love you because the highest commandment from God is to love one another. Forgive me....
ashamed(p): feeling shame or guilt or embarrassment or remorse
A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
I feel ALL of these things right now. I said and did some things last night and today that I'm not proud of. I'm embarrassed and yes, very ashamed of what I did.
1 John 4:7-12 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
"God's Love and Ours
7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does N0T know God, because God is love. 9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son[a] into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for[b] our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God LIVES in us and his love is made complete in us."
Instead of keeping that close to my heart like I usually do, I for my own selfish reasons (my heart was in the right place though), wasn't a child of God last night or today. God lives in me but I had more darkness inside of me last night and earlier today than light. Instead of going to God and letting HIM guide me, take care of things, I went out on my own. I talk the talk but I wasn't walking the walk. I didn't let God have control, I didn't surrender to him, I instead acted like a jackass. I said vile things, horrible hateful things. Today, I said disgusting things to someone who I don't know very well but have spoken to once in awhile. I hurt him, I upset him and there is NO excuse for it. I may not condone or applaud the things he does and stands for but I had no right to use a certain word towards him. I had no right to use that word with my other close friend either. I was on MSN messenger and this word was in full view of all my friends on my list. I deeply apologize to anyone I have offended. I was a real asshole, please forgive me.
I had a visual in my head, here is the original version and what follows is what I saw in my minds eye minutes ago:
I pictured in my head, that I was at the bottom of a mountain, I was covered with dirt, basically filthy. a woman who I AM attracted to was there, she was trying to get me to not climb the mountain. She was pleading with me, telling me she wanted me. I started to climb the mountain anyway not listening to her, I looked back at her, looked at her tear stained face and shook my head. I told her that I just wanted to be her friend, nothing more. I told her i Loved her and always would but I HAD to climb that mountain. Even she, couldn't stop me. I kept climbing further, I heard more women calling to me, telling me they wanted me, needed me emotionally, sexually and everything in between. I ignored their calls and pushed on.
I saw a man at the top of the mountain come into view, he was tall, strong looking and he was waiting for me. He was smiling at me, he knew I would make it to the top, he reached out his hands to me. He called my name, he told me that he was waiting for me. I carefully placed my feet on the rocks and went even faster to reach the top. The voices of the girls below got weaker and weaker. I looked down at my hands, they weren't so dirty anymore, in fact they were almost clean. My body was not caked with mud and dirt like it was before. I was getting cleaner. I looked up at the man, he was in sight now, I grinned at him, he grinned back happily and extended his hand. He welcomed me and told me, he was going to bathe me in the water. I was so happy to get to the top, I didn't look back either. The man than embraced me, he kissed my cheek and took my hand. His hand feel good in mine, I didn't want to let go of it. I noticed his tattoo on his right arm, a celtic band, I followed him to the water. He baptized me and afterward put his arms around my waist. He held on to me beaming with the happiest smile on his face. I felt absolutely radiant, I looked at myself, I was completely clean now, no dirt at all. He told me that he loved me and wanted me to stay with him now and never go back to where I had originally started from. I nodded taking his hands into mine. I promised him I wouldn't. We disappeared into a bright shining light.
What I saw just now was not any girls at the base of the mountain but ME. Me from a few years ago but there were like five of me, different incarnations of me, the way I was at different points in my life. Me with long hair before I cut it so short like a boy, me with with a bandanna on my head trying to be butch, me many years ago before that with a dress on but still not fitting in. I looked back at them..ME in horror. I scrambled up the mountain to get away from myself, not anyone else. As I got closer to the top, I saw someone but it wasn't the man that was there before, it was a woman, she was in a short but modest skirt, she had heels on, but I still couldn't make her out that well. I pushed on, trying my best to get away from what I had been before. I could see her clearer now, she had red nailpolish on, she had makeup on, her hair was long, down to her shoulders. She smiled at me, she reached for my hand. I looked up at her, it was ME, she was me.
Shocked, I stared at her without speaking. Myself just smiled as she pulled me to the top of the mountain alongside her. She embraced me tightly, I suddenly melted into her. I looked down at myself, I was now her, I had the long hair, the makeup, the heels but something felt different. I was all dressed up in feminine things but my heart was not hardened. I looked down at the mountain at the many forms of me. My heart raced, I knew what I had to do in that instant. I went right back down to the bottom, I approached the me with long hair but boyish clothes, I hugged her, I said "Candy, I love you, don't hate yourself, I don't hate you, I will ALWAYS love you". I did it to all of them, they all live inside me. I told them I loved them BUT I was going in a new direction and they had to accept that. I had to leave them behind but they would always be a part of me and I wasn't ashamed of it anymore. I went right back up to the mountain, it took awhile, it was hard but I did it. I ran to the spring drenching myself with water, a dove come down from above, the tiny creature settled on my finger and I gazed at how beautiful it was. I looked above with tears in my eyes and thanked God. I felt free.
I'm sorry to the woman that I also hurt last night. I was a self righteous ass. I was wrong. God lives in me, I love you because the highest commandment from God is to love one another. Forgive me....