No Longer Sitting on the Fence
Warning: This might offend people who pretend they are open minded but are just as narrow minded as those they point the finger at
What I'm about to say might anger some, surprise others and alienate some who know me. For once, I am NOT censoring myself or being diplomatic. There is a reason for that. I don't intend to piss off anyone or hurt anyone. I am speaking MY truth and how I am continuing to evolve. I Just feel a need to speak my mind on this forum and not sit by any longer like some meek sheep.
I NO longer accept homosexuality as being "ok". Yes, you heard me. Now, before you attack me as a "homophobe" as no doubt some are immediately going to, just hear me out. For me, it's woman for man and man for woman. It's Adam and EVE, not Adam and Steve. I have probably lost a few of you already but that's ok. BTW, when I identified as a gay woman, I absolutely hated the adam and eve thing. Now, I have to realize that..well it's TRUE. True to ME mind you. Now before you rise up to stone me and clobber me with your rainbow flags, please remember that I'm not saying I HATE homosexuals. I am saying, I love, I like and RESPECT all including gay people, I have gay friends, nothing has changed in my respect and love. What HAS changed is my attitude towards the ACT of homosexuality. That means, I'm totally cool with gay people, gay friends but I am NOT cool with your choice of sexual preference. Now, you may say, "Well F- you, I'm not cool with you being straight either!" Hey, that's fine and I respect that.
You see, I went from being attracted to guys in high school but having crushes on women to thinking I was completely lesbian and than to realizing I wasn't. I cannot claim to be 100% straight on the kinsey scale, I would only be kidding myself, so my attraction hasn't changed completely but what I choose to do and ACT has changed. Are you getting it yet? I identify with being straight even though I still have some attraction to some women (Maybe always will but maybe not) but I do not CHOOSE to ACT upon those same sex feelings. Yes, I have a choice and I no longer am going with the easy way out. I'm going against the feelings inside me that lessen day by day and choosing to obey God over my over own selfish desires. My epiphany is that, I don't HAVE to be lesbian! I don't have to ACCEPT my same sex feelings if I don't want to! I CAN change my behaviors, feelings, attraction and sexual identification. I wrote something on here awhile ago about realizing that everyone can change their learned behaviors and that NO ONE is "stuck" in some quicksand personality that will forever be pulling them down without any room to move. That's not true and it's not true for homosexuals in my opinion. I spoke to my friend Zephret who was a tremendous help to me and through him, God helped the both of us see what were doing wrong.
I despise the permissiveness of some while they wave their flags, living in la la land and totally dismissing what they know to be true. They hide behind their militant attitudes and feel safe in their groups. If you don't look at it, if you ignore it, you forget it and by forgetting you are denying the truth. You forget who you really are inside and who you really were meant to be. I used to hide, I used to run from it, I used to wave my flag, read my advocate/girlfriends magazine, used to watch The L word and pretend that God couldn't see behind my facade. Well, I was fooling myself but I wasn't fooling my creator. I can no longer say to people "It's ok to be that way, it's fine, you are perfectly fine, don't worry" NO!! NO! I won't say that anymore because in my heart, I no longer believe that. Let me explain further , because I know some who are still reading are shaking their heads and calling me a homophobe. Maybe some are just hearing me out and for that, thank you!
What I'm saying is, I have made my choice, I chose to be the woman I am intended to be. Another woman won't make me feel like a woman, but a man will. I want the opposite of me, I NEED the opposite of me, not the SAME. Despite me feeling this way (it screams from my soul and needs to be heard), I do NOT hate any gay person. No, I do not. It's hard to differentiate this in some people's minds. They say, well you hate homosexuality so you hate me! Why does it have to be that way in your mind? NO, I do NOT hate YOU, I simply am not cool with you're choice to be with the same sex. I have friends who have done things in their lives that they are not proud of or still do things that I don't agree with, I do not support them in self destructive choices but I STILL love them. I still am there for them, I still support them as people. Just because I'm not rolling out the red carpet for your homosexuality doesn't mean that I have stopped loving or liking you. I just no longer support your sexual preference and clap my hands over it. I'm being so honest that I can't even believe I'm being this honest. Some people want to say this but they feel it's not politically correct so they keep it to themselves. That's fine. I could have kept it to myself but I felt a need to speak about it on here. For good or bad, I am doing it. In the end, it's between me and God. Even if for some reason, I felt a super desire to be with the same sex and couldn't get back my feelings for men, I would not cooperate with my flesh. I would sacrifice my sexuality and keep following my path that God has put in front of me. Some might laugh at that or think I am crazy but that is your choice to do so.
You may be born with a desire to steal, but you can learn to stop. You may have had feelings to over eat or under eat but you can learn to stop. It's time to evaluate who we are inside, get to the root causes, love ourselves and not cling to crutches. We don't have to be a certain way because all your friends are, you don't have to accept your feelings because you feel the opposite is impossible or the opposite is to be "homophobic". Some people who claim to be opened minded are not so open minded. We were given choices in life and it's up to you to choose or NOT to choose. To act or NOT to act. You don't have to be a slave to nothing.
I'm ending this by saying, I never thought I would be feeling this way but I'm so extremely happy in it. I embrace my heterosexuality which no doubt will make some sick so for that I'm sorry. If you do not want to do that or consider alternatives, than so be it. I will still love you, I will still like you, I will still support you as a human being. Love is not an excuse to take advantage of it. There are things that are good and there are things that are bad. I will not ignore it because of God's love. God was angry with those who he felt were deliberately sinning against him, those who would not change etc. He didn't say "eh...I'm gonna let it go..I'm gonna close my eyes and forget about it" NOPE! They all got punished didn't they? Yes, he loves us but he doesn't love the sin. He will always love us but why is this used as a loophole for hedonistic permissive behavior? Why must you be in la la land where everything goes? You know God didn't permit everything goes in the bible yet those same people think it's cool to do it now in our day. Maybe psychological reasons for this too.
I'm different now, I'm changing, I'm going in a direction that has been set for me and I'm happy. I'm happy for you too, believe me. For the first time, I'm not afraid to speak up. I used to think it was horrible but I stepped back, opened my mind and let God SHOW me the bigger picture. I hope you respect me for having this opinion. You say, you are proud of who you are, well I'm darned proud of who I am. Take me or leave me. Respect me. I respect you and i haven't left you because you are gay or bisexual. I'm still here for you! Anyway, my sexuality..it's only a small part of me, I am not my sexuality, I am many things. I love the parts of my friends that make them whole and this hasn't stopped. If you believe it has, I'm sorry for you. Love is about acceptance but there is a boundary. If I don't see some on my LJ list, I will know some unfriended me and that's alright. I hope most of you will keep me as your friend. My computer works off and on now. After this, I am going to read as much as I can of your LJ's while it IS working. God bless, ttyl
What I'm about to say might anger some, surprise others and alienate some who know me. For once, I am NOT censoring myself or being diplomatic. There is a reason for that. I don't intend to piss off anyone or hurt anyone. I am speaking MY truth and how I am continuing to evolve. I Just feel a need to speak my mind on this forum and not sit by any longer like some meek sheep.
I NO longer accept homosexuality as being "ok". Yes, you heard me. Now, before you attack me as a "homophobe" as no doubt some are immediately going to, just hear me out. For me, it's woman for man and man for woman. It's Adam and EVE, not Adam and Steve. I have probably lost a few of you already but that's ok. BTW, when I identified as a gay woman, I absolutely hated the adam and eve thing. Now, I have to realize that..well it's TRUE. True to ME mind you. Now before you rise up to stone me and clobber me with your rainbow flags, please remember that I'm not saying I HATE homosexuals. I am saying, I love, I like and RESPECT all including gay people, I have gay friends, nothing has changed in my respect and love. What HAS changed is my attitude towards the ACT of homosexuality. That means, I'm totally cool with gay people, gay friends but I am NOT cool with your choice of sexual preference. Now, you may say, "Well F- you, I'm not cool with you being straight either!" Hey, that's fine and I respect that.
You see, I went from being attracted to guys in high school but having crushes on women to thinking I was completely lesbian and than to realizing I wasn't. I cannot claim to be 100% straight on the kinsey scale, I would only be kidding myself, so my attraction hasn't changed completely but what I choose to do and ACT has changed. Are you getting it yet? I identify with being straight even though I still have some attraction to some women (Maybe always will but maybe not) but I do not CHOOSE to ACT upon those same sex feelings. Yes, I have a choice and I no longer am going with the easy way out. I'm going against the feelings inside me that lessen day by day and choosing to obey God over my over own selfish desires. My epiphany is that, I don't HAVE to be lesbian! I don't have to ACCEPT my same sex feelings if I don't want to! I CAN change my behaviors, feelings, attraction and sexual identification. I wrote something on here awhile ago about realizing that everyone can change their learned behaviors and that NO ONE is "stuck" in some quicksand personality that will forever be pulling them down without any room to move. That's not true and it's not true for homosexuals in my opinion. I spoke to my friend Zephret who was a tremendous help to me and through him, God helped the both of us see what were doing wrong.
I despise the permissiveness of some while they wave their flags, living in la la land and totally dismissing what they know to be true. They hide behind their militant attitudes and feel safe in their groups. If you don't look at it, if you ignore it, you forget it and by forgetting you are denying the truth. You forget who you really are inside and who you really were meant to be. I used to hide, I used to run from it, I used to wave my flag, read my advocate/girlfriends magazine, used to watch The L word and pretend that God couldn't see behind my facade. Well, I was fooling myself but I wasn't fooling my creator. I can no longer say to people "It's ok to be that way, it's fine, you are perfectly fine, don't worry" NO!! NO! I won't say that anymore because in my heart, I no longer believe that. Let me explain further , because I know some who are still reading are shaking their heads and calling me a homophobe. Maybe some are just hearing me out and for that, thank you!
What I'm saying is, I have made my choice, I chose to be the woman I am intended to be. Another woman won't make me feel like a woman, but a man will. I want the opposite of me, I NEED the opposite of me, not the SAME. Despite me feeling this way (it screams from my soul and needs to be heard), I do NOT hate any gay person. No, I do not. It's hard to differentiate this in some people's minds. They say, well you hate homosexuality so you hate me! Why does it have to be that way in your mind? NO, I do NOT hate YOU, I simply am not cool with you're choice to be with the same sex. I have friends who have done things in their lives that they are not proud of or still do things that I don't agree with, I do not support them in self destructive choices but I STILL love them. I still am there for them, I still support them as people. Just because I'm not rolling out the red carpet for your homosexuality doesn't mean that I have stopped loving or liking you. I just no longer support your sexual preference and clap my hands over it. I'm being so honest that I can't even believe I'm being this honest. Some people want to say this but they feel it's not politically correct so they keep it to themselves. That's fine. I could have kept it to myself but I felt a need to speak about it on here. For good or bad, I am doing it. In the end, it's between me and God. Even if for some reason, I felt a super desire to be with the same sex and couldn't get back my feelings for men, I would not cooperate with my flesh. I would sacrifice my sexuality and keep following my path that God has put in front of me. Some might laugh at that or think I am crazy but that is your choice to do so.
You may be born with a desire to steal, but you can learn to stop. You may have had feelings to over eat or under eat but you can learn to stop. It's time to evaluate who we are inside, get to the root causes, love ourselves and not cling to crutches. We don't have to be a certain way because all your friends are, you don't have to accept your feelings because you feel the opposite is impossible or the opposite is to be "homophobic". Some people who claim to be opened minded are not so open minded. We were given choices in life and it's up to you to choose or NOT to choose. To act or NOT to act. You don't have to be a slave to nothing.
I'm ending this by saying, I never thought I would be feeling this way but I'm so extremely happy in it. I embrace my heterosexuality which no doubt will make some sick so for that I'm sorry. If you do not want to do that or consider alternatives, than so be it. I will still love you, I will still like you, I will still support you as a human being. Love is not an excuse to take advantage of it. There are things that are good and there are things that are bad. I will not ignore it because of God's love. God was angry with those who he felt were deliberately sinning against him, those who would not change etc. He didn't say "eh...I'm gonna let it go..I'm gonna close my eyes and forget about it" NOPE! They all got punished didn't they? Yes, he loves us but he doesn't love the sin. He will always love us but why is this used as a loophole for hedonistic permissive behavior? Why must you be in la la land where everything goes? You know God didn't permit everything goes in the bible yet those same people think it's cool to do it now in our day. Maybe psychological reasons for this too.
I'm different now, I'm changing, I'm going in a direction that has been set for me and I'm happy. I'm happy for you too, believe me. For the first time, I'm not afraid to speak up. I used to think it was horrible but I stepped back, opened my mind and let God SHOW me the bigger picture. I hope you respect me for having this opinion. You say, you are proud of who you are, well I'm darned proud of who I am. Take me or leave me. Respect me. I respect you and i haven't left you because you are gay or bisexual. I'm still here for you! Anyway, my sexuality..it's only a small part of me, I am not my sexuality, I am many things. I love the parts of my friends that make them whole and this hasn't stopped. If you believe it has, I'm sorry for you. Love is about acceptance but there is a boundary. If I don't see some on my LJ list, I will know some unfriended me and that's alright. I hope most of you will keep me as your friend. My computer works off and on now. After this, I am going to read as much as I can of your LJ's while it IS working. God bless, ttyl