(no subject)
so i havent updated in a while, mostly because the last like week and a half of my life have been the absolutely horrible, and im not just saying that. it all started when my grandmother got cancer, and that just sucked. to tell you the truth, it never even occurred to me that she would die the next week, actually until a few days ago she seemed immortal and even now it hasnt sunk in that she is gone. it was just so sudden, she didnt even have time to fight it, she got it, went hardly a week with it, and then she just l e f t. i think i am more angry and even frustrated then anything else, you know, how did this happen, just a few days ago she was diagnosed, how can she be gone already... i was supposed to visit her this upcoming week at the hospital... my grandmother was supposed to take me prom dress shopping with my mommy, she wanted to be there when i got picked up by julian, its soo not fair, it just so hard to know that i will never see her again, and usually i would ease some of the pain by telling myself ill be with her i heaven or something, but now all i can think is "fuck you god" and i feel bad saying it but i mean, as fucked up as it may be, i prayed every night for her just to get better, just to live, i just wasnt done with her yet, we had plans when i could drive that i would dive there and take her out to lunch because my other cousins are now all at college so they arent able to anymore, i really did think she would live forever, but now everything, just colapsed...........not to mention because she was sick, my mom of course had to spend all her time with her, and im not mad about that at all, honestly i would be mad if she didnt go, but i just missed having a mother when i needed her. and i no i sound really spoiled when i sit here and am pissed that she couldnt spend time with me and get me a dress and shoes and jewelry for prom, when her mother is sick, but that just added to it, and now i again i am a brat and think, great now my long weekend im not goign to be with my friends, and bottom line i am acting like a bitch, but i know why, its beucase when i think about her, she still up and kicking, in her little apartment, probably making tea, watching her news at 11, she is just still there, and i guess i am scared, i am scared that i am going to go the the wake and funeral, and suddenly it hits me, no longer is she going to spend christmas or thanksgiving or any holiday with us, never again will she spend the weekend at our house and make us her orgasmic food.... i will never, n e v e r see her beautiful glowing self again.
she was my hero, and her words and her laugh and her smile, made my world spin and stop at the same time, and this feelings of intense love that i got when she was around, i will n e v e r feel again...
and having lost her made me realize my worst fear not death, just never...never knowing, never feeling, never anything, never anything!!!
never going to touch her feel her see her....shes a memory now, and screw all of you, becuase i am not willing to except that, not yet, and im telling you now, its going to be a looong time before i do so get use to it.