C for Effort
I haven't written here in a really long time.... Mostly because this past semester was insane. It was everything; hectic, stressful, miserable a lot of times, lonely, hard, short and long at the same time. Ugh. It was bad. And instead of maybe taking it as a chance to grow, I sunk right back into my old habits. Doing nothing when I could be doing something is one of my biggest problems. I am honestly starting to feel like it is an addiction. When I am me, the real me, the me I like, I am a fun, happy person. But when I am this other form of me, the one that keeps coming back every time I get stressed out or sad, I become enclosed in a shell that's either in front of a computer or a TV. I sit around and accomplish nothing! It is amazing the amount of nothing I can accomplish in a given day! I am so sick of it. And it needs to stop for good. I had a really good year a while back. I was doing so great. I was always productive, getting fantastic grades, losing weight, making new friends. I need to get back into that place. That was MY place. That is the real me. Idk why I keep not becoming that person every day. I think it is honestly easier to be depressed than it is to be happy. And I think this might be my issue. I think it is very easy for me to be depressed and do nothing, think about nothing. It is quite hard to constantly be productive and do everything that makes me happy. It is definitely worth the effort, but I have a problem where I just don't put the effort in that I need to put in to lead a full and happy life. Isn't that sad? I think it is. Just writing it here is making me a little sad. I miss myself =/ And I thought coming home for winter break would bring me back, but it hasn't. I actually really don't like living at home. My mom makes it so that I can;t do anything in the house without a MAJOR cleanup every single night. God forbid I start some project that takes more than a day. (Most of my projects do, I like to take on big projects) I would spend more time taking it out and putting it away every morning and night than I would actually doing it. It's annoying. I feel like I am not in my own house. I feel like I am a guest staying in the guest room. It just feels awkward to be anywhere but my room. So I'm hoping to consider this my new low. I'm hoping that now I can clearly see that Rider is my place, and I need to make myself happy there, I can do it a little better than I did last semester. I am hopeful for the future. Especially since, even thought I had a horrible semester and got into all my terrible habits with school, I still pulled out all A's and B's!!! If this is my low point, I am pretty excited to see what the hell my high point is. I am truly lucky that even when I am struggling with my own issues, learning, testing, and problem solving, and are still skills I can lean on (even though I shouldn't)