(no subject)

[callmebee]

I used to write like no one was reading.

I used to say things how I meant them in that moment.

Now, I ponder every word.

Is this helpful?  Will anyone like it? Can I make myself seem less the monster I feel I am?

I used to write like my heart was on display.

Now shame takes its place. Hide.  Subvert.  Pretend it's all ok.

Because it Is

And it isn't.

Shame.

Vulnerability.

Radical honesty?

I believe I have treated people badly.

Not only do I believe it, but it is true.

Does it mean that I'm a bad person?

The obvious thought to you might be, "No!  Of course not.  You're only human and no one's perfect."

But to me, the only person I am actually questioning, the answer is not so clear cut.

I see what you're saying there, and in most part I agree.  I'm decent.  I do my best.  But. . . Sometimes my best is still shitty.

And I super fuck up.

I hurt people, and that's the worst.

I hurt myself.

No,

I Fail Myself.
(it's worse)

I end up in situations I never thought I'd end up in in a million years.

A combination of human imperfections.

We all fail.

I will rise and try again.