going out with a bang
i couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my last weekend of blissful freedom. good company, good food, and yesterday, the holy union of two dear friends who in my opinion could not be more perfect for each other. most of the weekend was very laid back, just hanging out with mik and friends... margaritas at agave and bottomless nachos. it was perfect. i wasn't in the mood to be out partying anyway.
the wedding was the highlight of the weekend, and actually, one of the major high points of this entire vacation. it was simple really, nothing was remarkable about it -- not the choir, not the dress, not the cake, not the table settings... nothing. except for the two people around which everything revolved - the bride, and the groom. together, they made the wedding special. it was the first wedding that i'd find myself getting choked up at several points. had i been wearing waterproof eyeliner and mascara, i would've been crying like a baby. but i held it in lest i look like a psycho. it was difficult, because i was so moved during certain parts. the first was when i saw trina walking down the aisle. she was crying uncontrollably, her shoulders shaking with each breath... and i connected with her. i don't know if it's because i've always felt emotionally close to her, or if i'm particularly vulnerable these days, but my heart just locked in on that frequency of pure JOY to finally be EXACTLY where one is meant to be, walking towards the person one is meant to be WITH... i could've died at that moment. haha, honestly. it was that powerful for me.
the problem with coming from such a high point nowadays though, is that i usually crash to an equal low when the high of the high wears off... this is what i'm trying to prevent. inside me the urge to internally kick and scream is already brewing. though with my new philosophy of accepting and just metabolizing my misery has served me well these past months.. a lifetime of conditioning to try to be HAPPY all the time is making me resist.
i don't want to spend my last week here moping around... i wanna leave with a sense of hopefulness, and excitement for future things... perhaps not what comes within the next 6 months necessarily, but what i can expect to come in the next couple of years.
the wedding was the highlight of the weekend, and actually, one of the major high points of this entire vacation. it was simple really, nothing was remarkable about it -- not the choir, not the dress, not the cake, not the table settings... nothing. except for the two people around which everything revolved - the bride, and the groom. together, they made the wedding special. it was the first wedding that i'd find myself getting choked up at several points. had i been wearing waterproof eyeliner and mascara, i would've been crying like a baby. but i held it in lest i look like a psycho. it was difficult, because i was so moved during certain parts. the first was when i saw trina walking down the aisle. she was crying uncontrollably, her shoulders shaking with each breath... and i connected with her. i don't know if it's because i've always felt emotionally close to her, or if i'm particularly vulnerable these days, but my heart just locked in on that frequency of pure JOY to finally be EXACTLY where one is meant to be, walking towards the person one is meant to be WITH... i could've died at that moment. haha, honestly. it was that powerful for me.
the problem with coming from such a high point nowadays though, is that i usually crash to an equal low when the high of the high wears off... this is what i'm trying to prevent. inside me the urge to internally kick and scream is already brewing. though with my new philosophy of accepting and just metabolizing my misery has served me well these past months.. a lifetime of conditioning to try to be HAPPY all the time is making me resist.
i don't want to spend my last week here moping around... i wanna leave with a sense of hopefulness, and excitement for future things... perhaps not what comes within the next 6 months necessarily, but what i can expect to come in the next couple of years.