Suffocating Love

[stupidbakau]

Title: Suffocating Love
Pairing: !oneside Minho/Taemin
Rating: PG-15
Warning: Suicide, Drugs, Angst, mentioning of Hermaphrodites
Summary: It’s a story about how Taemin desperately used all his means to hold back a certain someone.


He crouched quietly at the corner of the bench. He hugged his knee pressing it against his chest. His face was hidden behind his long fringe. His small body was trembling from the shock before. He was there alone outside the operating theater waiting for news that may or may not change his life.

His only cousin came, panting when he finally reached in front of the operating theater. He looked around, searching for the little boy. He spotted him sitting quietly at the side. He then took the seat beside him. Looking how fragile and frightened Taemin was, he couldn’t help to pull the younger boy in his arms.

He wrapped his arms around his shoulder, allowing the younger boy to bury his head near his chest.

“Don’t worry, I’m here.” His low calming voice managed to soothe Taemin.

“Hyung… I’m scare… I’m really scared.” Tears that threatened to fall had fallen, forming a damp patch on his shirt. He pats softly on his head, hugging him even tighter.

“I promise, I’ll protect you.” He planted a kiss softly on his forehead with the thought of calming the little boy and nothing more… Taemin really felt safe and protected in Minho’s arms. The lights turned off and a few doctors came out. Taemin immediately broke free from his embrace and stood in front of the doctor.

“How are they?” His voice was trembling not from the cold but from the fear of his future.

“We tried our best.” The moment his brain registered the doctor’s words, his leg went weak. He fell right into Minho’s consoling arms.

Today was the day that he lost his parents and found the love of his life

It was a week after his parent’s death, Minho moved in to his house to take care of Taemin. Although it had brought some difficulties for Minho as he now needs to take a longer period of time to reach his workplace, it doesn’t really matter now as it’s a responsibility of a guardian.

He didn’t know why but the look on Taemin’s face, tells him that he needed someone. He can’t reject it. He can’t let Taemin be alone. Frequently he could see Taemin dazing blankly out the window. As if he was waiting for someone to come home, someone who will never come back.

“Taemin-ah? What are you looking at?” His big warm hands made his way to his hair. His fingers combed gently against his hair strands. Minho knew very well who he was waiting for by looking at the direction he was facing.

“Nothing, hyung.” He would then continue staring at the door. Minho doesn’t know how long Taemin needed before he would accept the reality but he’s sure he would be there until then.

He doesn’t know how long he can stand Taemin living on as if he lost a soul. He knew he can’t blame Taemin for acting like this. After all he loved his parents a lot.

“Taemin-ah, dinner is ready.” Taemin would nod his head, giving a last good look out the window before making his way to the dining table. His parents’ death was indeed a big blow for him, only within a week Taemin had lost a lot of weight. Minho felt bad for Taemin, even if he felt tired of looking after him, he just can’t let Taemin be alone.

“Hyung, I want to go back to school.” His eyes were full of sorrow. Would it really be the best time for him to go back to school?

“Are you sure?” Minho dropped his voice even softer and gentler. Taemin nodded hesitantly.

“No, you are not. Stay at home a couple more days. Don’t worry about your study for now.” Minho ruffled his hair caringly. In Taemin’s eyes, it was all signs of Minho love for him.

Minho specially took a week off to spend time with Taemin, bringing him out to the outside world. As he thought that the outside air will cheer him up. During the ride, Minho wound down the window to let Taemin lean on the car door and enjoy the wind.

Looking at how relax Taemin was, he felt worth to take a week off for this. He drove to the nearest beach, since it was a weekday, not much people were at the beach. The both of them then find a shady spot and sat down enjoying the sea breeze.

Perhaps it was because of the calm and silence atmosphere, it brought tears on Taemin’s face once again. The beach only brought back memories and times he spent with his parents. Those happy times. Minho wiped his tears with his finger and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy’s shoulder and pulling him closer.

“Cry, Taemin. Don’t keep these feelings in your heart.” After hearing his words, Taemin cried even harder. He wrapped his arms around his hyung’s neck and buried his face on his chest. His tears only crush his heart. He tightens the grip around Taemin.

Minho’s care and gentleness towards Taemin really change Taemin. He’s no longer staring at the door. More truthful smile can be found on his face and he doesn’t look as pale as before. It was a good sign, Taemin can move on with his life now. It’s not worth wasting the whole life grieving over something that will never change.

Minho was lying on his bed, reading his unfinished novel before going to sleep. A little head popped at the door gap, Minho smiled at him. It then gave Taemin the courage to walk in. Minho put down his novel and turned off the lamp light. Taemin slipped under the thick warm blanket and cuddled close to Minho. Minho didn’t push him away.

“Hyung. Gomawa.” He buried his head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

“Anything for my Taeminnie.” He then ruffled his hair.

But Minho didn’t realize it was the starting of a tragedy.

It was like the usual night, Taemin walking in to Minho’s bedroom. To Minho, Taemin was like a child that needs an adult to show love and care and he was that adult.

“Hyung… I have something to tell you.” He was hugging his bear in his arms when he stood at the door. Minho was actually getting ready for sleep but seeing Taemin had something important to say he decided that he can sleep later.

“What is it, Taemin?” Taemin walked closer to the bedside looking down on the floor shyly but not saying anything. Minho can only see Taemin acting all weird.

“I… I… I want to say. I-I-I love you hyung.” His cheek immediately flushed red, his innocent eyes were staring so sincerely at Minho. Minho only ruffled his hair thinking that his love was a child to an adult.

“I know, I love you too. Get some sleep.” Taemin then frowned. It wasn’t what he expected. Perhaps Minho didn’t really get his message.

“Hyung, I really love you. It’s not between brother, it’s between lovers.” Taemin tried to explain again, this time round Minho then realize how serious he was. It wasn’t good. He didn’t love the way Taemin loved him. He only looked at Taemin as a little brother who needs his attention.

“Taemin-ah. I think you have misunderstood me.” Minho thought for a little, how should he put his words so that he can minimize the pain inflict to Taemin. Taemin is at the age of a rebellious teenager. At first he felt weird when he didn’t see Taemin getting rebellion, thinking that his parent’s death might have made him mature.

It wasn’t this case at all. It was because Taemin loved him and didn’t want to give him any trouble. The reason why Taemin feel in love with him, he blamed it on the raging hormones.

“I’m sorry if I gave you any wrong signal but I always look at you as a little brother and nothing more.” It was the sentence he thought that was the least painful but to Taemin… The pain he felt in his heart was hellish. His sentence meant was that he never ever had loved Taemin. Not even once did he look at Taemin as someone he had feelings for. He felt despondent. Taemin looked down on the floor, not uttering any word.

“Taemin-ah, we are both adults. I’m sure you will understand, right?” Minho was afraid that it might bring a second blow to Taemin but was he that important to Taemin that will cause a second blow? Minho didn’t know, he was Taemin’s world. Taemin know clearly that he can’t show his true feelings, it may make Minho leave his life right now.

“I understand Hyung.” He managed to force out words from his mouth. He swallowed back the tears in him. Minho ruffled his hair.

“Maybe it’s just your hormones that made you confuse about your sexual preference.” Minho tried to explain with a scientific reasoning to back him up.

“I think so. Huyng, I’m sorry. Maybe I haven’t gotten over the blow from my parents’ death, that’s why I’m feeling weird and thought that it was love.” His words sound so assuring to Minho that Taemin wasn’t crazily in love with him and was convinced by his reason.

“I think I better get some sleep and clear my mind. Goodnight hyung!” Taemin said it so cheerfully but the moment he stepped out, hot tears were pouring out from his eyes. He can’t accept it at all. Not one single bit. He loved his hyung so much, why didn’t he love him back? Why?

He can’t imagine how his life will be without Minho. He can’t imagine him with another girl or guy. No. He will never let it happen. He must make him stay with him no matter what.

After that day Taemin bring up that topic anymore. Taemin was smiling and talking to him like the usual maknae he is. Minho felt relieved. It was indeed like what he thought. It was just the sudden increase of female hormones in Taemin. On the other hand, he couldn’t deny that he felt a little disappointed. He don’t know why but just disappointed.

“Taemin-ah. Today is your birthday, why didn’t you go out with your friends?”

“I wanted to spend the day with my only kin in the world.” The word ‘only kin’ made Minho felt a little bitter. That’s right, he’s the only kin that Taemin left. That was why Taemin became so depend on him.

“But I thought you were going out so I didn’t prepare anything for you.” Minho scratched his hair awkwardly.

“It’s okay. Let us celebrate with some alcohol! Since I’m already legal now!” Minho nodded.

“I’ll get the alcohol then.”

Minho felt rather than having Taemin drunk outside and ended up somewhere different in the morning. He felt kind of relief that Taemin was getting drunk with him at home. The two of them opened can after can, drinking to their heart desired. Soon alcohol was getting in their mind, their bodies were touching.

Taemin looked at the Minho affectionately. Taemin gently touched Minho’s cheek.

“Taemin?” Minho then turned his face to look at the younger boy. Taemin then took this chance to kiss Minho on the lips. It started with a very gentle kiss but got lead on. He pressed the back of Taemin’s head closer and deepens the kiss even more. He wrapped his arms around the older male’s neck following the lead of the older male.

“Tae…” Minho pinned him on the couch listening to his body instinct on his action. He nibbled softly on his neck.

“Hyung...nghhh.” Taemin moaned in pleasure.

The both of them allowed lust to fill up their mind that night and not caring about any consequence. It was only the next day when morning came. Both of them woke up naked on the same bed. Minho was the first one to wake up but still having a hangover. He looked around the bed only to find himself naked with Taemin. There was love bites all over the younger boy’s body.

Minho could still vividly remember what happened last night. He was the one that started it. He was the one that deepen the kiss. He pressed his fingers against his forehead. He just made their relationship even messier.

“Good morning, Hyung.” Taemin greeted as he rubbed his eyes.

“Taemin… I…” Minho felt guilty, really guilty for taking advantage of Taemin last night. Taemin could see Minho’s emotion in his eyes.

“Don’t worry about taking any responsibility, hyung. We are both adults. It’s just a one night stand.” Taemin said to ease Minho’s guilty feelings but his words only made his own heart broke.

“How? Why? You are a guy… You can’t be pregnant!” Minho couldn’t believe it.

“I’m a Hermaphrodite. I have both a male and a female organ. It’s okay if you don’t believe me.” Minho could see the tears in his eyes were threatening to fall anytime. The moment Taemin turned away, Minho grabbed his wrist.

“I believe you, Taemin.” It was the only way to make Taemin stay.

There was no reason for Taemin to lie at all. Being a hermaphrodite was already bad enough, being pregnant as a hermaphrodite… Minho has no reason to distrust Taemin. Who would use such a thing as a lie?

From that day, Minho started to be even more caring towards Taemin. It was hard for Minho to believe that a fetus was growing in that fragile skinny body but the feeling of being a dad was even more amazing. Whenever he touched Taemin’s belly, he would get that tingling sensation in his heart.

Whenever Taemin complain of discomfort, he would be super worried.

“Does it still hurt? Do you need me to bring you to the hospital?” Minho asked as he carried Taemin to the bed.

“I’m okay Hyung! Stop overreacting.” Taemin hit Minho playfully on the chest and smiled.

“It’s our first child, of course I’m worried.” Minho pouted. Taemin felt really blissful when he heard Minho saying, our first child. But the painful reality pulled him back. He was a guy… There was no way he could have a child.

“Taemin-ah, promise me. If your body is not suitable for carrying a child, abort the baby. I don’t want to lose you. I rather lose the baby.” Minho hugged Taemin tightly in his arms.

Although it’s still a little hard for Minho to put all his love in Taemin, he was trying his best to love Taemin. Giving all the love Taemin should have as a pregnant mom.

“Hyung, thank you for loving me.” Taemin snuggled close to Minho’s chest.

“You could have found a better and more complete woman.” Minho caressed his hair gently.

“Taemin. I should be the one apologizing. You could have found a better man, who loves you but you ended up with me. Taemin-ah, I promise you that I’ll try to love you more with my heart.” Minho took Taemin’s hand to his chest. He was really touched by his actions. The guilty feeling of lying to Minho came to him.

A question began to run in his mind. What if he were to know that I lied? He couldn’t imagine how Minho would react. Perhaps one day where he gathered enough courage to confess the truth. He would tell Minho the truth.

“Dr Lee, can I ask you something?” Taemin had explained about his unexpected pregnancy. He may be lying but he may be telling the truth. It like who in the right mind will acknowledge so openly that he is hermaphrodites. That’s why Minho chose to believe in Taemin. Since Taemin’s body was somehow special, he’s worried whether if Taemin’s body was suitable to carry a child.

“Sure, sure. Go on.” Minho bit softly on his bottom lip, a little shy to ask such a question.

“Will there be a problem for Hermaphrodite to be pregnant?” Rather than putting it so uncomplicated, he decided to use the medical term for it. Jinki frowned a little.

“Why did you ask that?” With that reply, it seems he would face a certain risk.

“Taemin told me he’s pregnant.” Minho gave smile, explaining how he got his this ‘hermaphrodite’ thingy. Jinki gave a good pat on Minho’s back, knowing well his relationship with Taemin was lovers.

“I’m sorry, but he can’t get pregnant because he is not/b> Hermaphrodite.” With Jinki’s words, everything just dawn on him… The world just came crashing down on Minho.

He reached home with a heavy heart. He never really expected that the innocent little Taeminnie will lie to him. It can’t be happening. The Taemin he came to know will never lie. He even thought about renovating a room specially for the unborn baby. He even dreamt about the three of them going out to the park to have picnic but everything just ruined with a fact he got from Jinki.

“Yeobo, welcome home.” Taemin greeted as he rubbed his tummy. To Minho this scene was sarcastic. Minho did really thought of try to love Taemin but the fact he learnt today made him drop the idea. It wasn’t worth changing himself for a liar even if he really loved him so much that he can’t live without him. Taemin wanted to hug Minho but was roughly pushed away.

“Arghhh..” Taemin faked a tummy ache to get Minho guilt but it’s not going work.

“Stop all your acting, Lee Taemin.” Minho said coldly.

“What… What are you talking about?” Taemin guilty asked, as long as Minho didn’t say what he’s lying about. He still has a chance.

“I know you are lying. I know that you have been lying to me all these while.”

“You are not a Hermaphrodite. You can’t be pregnant. You are a guy.” Taemin took a few steps back, knowing that Minho found out the truth. Tears started flowing down, Taemin trembled as he moved closer to Minho.

“Mianhae, Hyung… Mianhae.” Taemin wanted to hold on to Minho’s wrist but his hands were roughly pushed away.

“I’m going back to my house.” Minho stormed back to their shared room. He took out a big bag to take away a few of his personal stuff back to his own house. He looked at the photo frame placed beside the night lamp. Both of them were smiling so widely in the photo.

“Taemin, why did you change?” He then placed back the photo frame to the original position. He carried the bag on his shoulder. He walked out to the room to see Taemin standing there with a knife on his neck.

“Don’t leave me or I kill myself.” Taemin threaten, tears were flowing down his face like river. Taemin pressed the knife even closer to his own neck, making a small cut. Blood was beginning to form on the cut. Minho was really frightened by his action.

“Don’t, Taemin! I’ll… I’ll stay.” Minho finally said it. It was more important to calm Taemin down right now.

“Really hyung? Don’t lie to me.” Minho could see Taemin was dead serious about him.

“I promise. Taemin, put down the knife.” Minho move closer to Taemin slowly.

“Really? You won’t go?” Minho nodded and rose out his hands.

“I promise. Now, give me the knife and we need to stop the bleeding too.” Taemin then gave the knife to Minho before hugging Minho tightly on his waist.

Minho finally came back home after a long day at work. It was already past 10pm when he reached home. The moment he opened the door, Taemin was standing there.

“Where have you been?” He started questioning him. Minho only sighed in frustration before walking in.

“I’m at work. Where can I be?” Minho put down his suitcase and pulled down his tie.

“Why didn’t you pick up my calls?” Taemin stood behind Minho.

“I didn’t realize my battery was flat.” Minho ignored Taemin and walked back to his own room.

“You’re lying. You are avoiding my calls.” Taemin retorted. Minho couldn’t stand these accusations and turned to look at Taemin.

“I’m not. Stop being unreasonable.” He couldn’t control his own raging emotion and raised his voice a little.

“I’m not!” Taemin shouted.

If only such things were just something that happen once in the blue moon, but it wasn’t. It almost happened every day. They quarrel almost over everything.

“Alright, thank you so much.” Minho smiled as he hung up the phone. Taemin was standing behind Minho all the time listening to their conversation watching how Minho was smiling when he talked on the phone.

“Who was that on the phone just now?” Minho mentally sighed, he was actually sick and tired of Taemin being so paranoid.

“My female colleague.” He answered.

“Really? Are you sure it’s not another woman you have outside?” Minho covered his face, with that not-again thought in his mind.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Are you going to ditch me for some bitch because they can have your baby while I can’t?!” Again and again, talking about the baby issues that Minho tried so hard to forget about it.

“Do you know what are you saying Lee Taemin?” Minho stood in front of Taemin.

“I know what I’m saying!”

“End of conversation. I don’t want to quarrel with you.” Sighed in desperation, he stood up and left the house.

He picked up his handphone, staring at the young looking Taemin. A lot has changed within the two years. It’s already tearing Minho’s state of mind apart. He used his finger to caress Taemin’s face on the screen.

Perhaps he did really love Taemin once. It’s just that he didn’t know it was love. He took off his shoes, wallet, handphone and stood on the edge. A tear escaped from his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Taemin… But your love is killing me.” He shut his eyes tightly as he jumped off the building without any regret.

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A short message for the readers who are still here with me.

I'm really sorry for being M.I.A liek that. And I didn't even online. I'm so sorry.
Well, the good news is that I'm back in action! ^^

With SHINee's comeback, I have more ideas for writing!
Sorry if there's a lot of mistake grammar, spelling because duing my absence I have been writing chinese fic and I'm already 18 chapters in running for that fic.

Thanks for those who still remember me!
For those who don't, let just say I'm just an author ^^