(no subject)

[calicarpa]

So things have been really crazy. Boys boys everywhere...yet I stand alone. I have 5 jobs yet I can't seem to get full time hours. The reason is I am very scared to commit to anything. I have these temporary relationships with unreliable men and I have these temporary jobs because I don't want to have reliable work. I am very scared and cynical of life me thinks. I learned a lesson from my last 6 relationships and last 3 jobs....that lesson was -- life is impermanent. You live and you die. Don't trust anyone but yourself. I have this looming fear of not experiencing enough. It feels like there is a missile pointed at this planet and we have to experience everything before we no longer have the opportunity. I feel like a 14 year old being pressured to have kids and work 40 hrs a week...when all I want to do is play. Just feeling that looming void of lonliness. It hits every once and a while. I watched the movie Babel tonight. It really allowed me to feel the fragility of the world and the impermenance once again. When I feel that feeling I just want to hold on to someone and never let go. But, then it passes and I shake my arms away and run. There you go Freud...diagnoss that!

But other than that. Life is great! I just moved into a new apartment yesterday in Chinatown. My brother came to visit and I had a pretty kick ass weekend. I love cute boys and they seem to like me right now too! I've been having fun flirting and dating. Money is a bit of an issue...but when isn't it!??! I feel very fortunate in every other way in my life. I'm one lucky girl.

Other news. Jayme is going to Australia/ New Zealand on Friday. Kim is preggo's. Matt is in Africa. I love espresso martini's. Mary is getting marrie