(no subject)
I woke up today sounding like a bullfrog. I guess its from the drainage. I feel better now that I've been up for a little bit, but I am definately not going back today. As soon as I am done here I am going home and resting some more. I rested for about four hours today and that helped immensely, though I did have a blatently ual dream about AJ which was kind of weird and scary.
I talked to my friend Laurie (I can use her full name here because she's not from celebrate recovery and doesn't go there) last night and I asked her a bunch of questions about how her and Matt met and how she knew he was the one and stuff like that. She confirmed some things that I have been feeling such as being unsure, but she also told me that I need to look at the track record of the guy I'm thinking about (not just AJ but any guy) not the potential, and I need to let a friendship develop. I think that's what's been missing in my relationship with AJ. We met and then that first day we started dating, then he starts talking about marriage with me and saying he's received a confirmation from God (kind of like the thing with Peter back in '04).
I don't know if anyone is really ready for marriage when it happens, or if you have to get yourself ready for marriage or what not, but if I look at myself now I can definately say I am not ready. I still want to go to college, I want to do AmeriCorps, I want to get out of debt, I want to get out of Job Corps first. I'm not really sure of myself and what my life goals are, and I don't want to align myself with someone for life until I am sure about that. I also have all these things I want to do that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing if I were married (nothing immoral, I just want to be totally committed to my husband when I get married, and it's hard to do that when you have a bunch of things going on that don't involve him). I told AJ this and more and he says he wants all these things too, but I think he is just speaking out of infatuation.
I know that two years ago when I went on my last Hearts 4 OK mission trip I said that God told me I was to be single for life. I really thought God was talking to me and that it was a message from God. Looking back I think I was talking out of a hardened heart towards men. I was also speaking out of distaste because I saw a lot of people being flirtatious on that mission trip and I felt that was wrong. When I go on mission trips (as few as I have been on) I don't go to look at the guys, I go to do the work I am supposed to do.
To this day, I still don't know if God wants me to be single or not. Speaking out of a less hardened heart, I can honestly say I would like to be married someday. I would like to have someone to share my life and goals with, someone whose goals I can support who can also support mine, someone to be physically intimate with, someone even to have children with. I'd like to have someone to grow old with. But, if God told me today that I wasn't to be married, that my whole life would be about serving him, I would be more than ok with that. See, there are a lot of things now that give my life joy that don't involve AJ. And, I can imagine my life having a lot of things that give me joy that don't involve a husband either.
While talking with Laurie last night I figured out something else. I don't get infatuated with guys very easily. Oh sure, I get little crushes and things like that, but I don't lose my head. And Laurie told me that's an advantage because I am able to think clearly in relationships and evaluate things.
Well it's time for me to go. Evaluate this and tell me what you think. People's two cents (and more) are welcome.
I talked to my friend Laurie (I can use her full name here because she's not from celebrate recovery and doesn't go there) last night and I asked her a bunch of questions about how her and Matt met and how she knew he was the one and stuff like that. She confirmed some things that I have been feeling such as being unsure, but she also told me that I need to look at the track record of the guy I'm thinking about (not just AJ but any guy) not the potential, and I need to let a friendship develop. I think that's what's been missing in my relationship with AJ. We met and then that first day we started dating, then he starts talking about marriage with me and saying he's received a confirmation from God (kind of like the thing with Peter back in '04).
I don't know if anyone is really ready for marriage when it happens, or if you have to get yourself ready for marriage or what not, but if I look at myself now I can definately say I am not ready. I still want to go to college, I want to do AmeriCorps, I want to get out of debt, I want to get out of Job Corps first. I'm not really sure of myself and what my life goals are, and I don't want to align myself with someone for life until I am sure about that. I also have all these things I want to do that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing if I were married (nothing immoral, I just want to be totally committed to my husband when I get married, and it's hard to do that when you have a bunch of things going on that don't involve him). I told AJ this and more and he says he wants all these things too, but I think he is just speaking out of infatuation.
I know that two years ago when I went on my last Hearts 4 OK mission trip I said that God told me I was to be single for life. I really thought God was talking to me and that it was a message from God. Looking back I think I was talking out of a hardened heart towards men. I was also speaking out of distaste because I saw a lot of people being flirtatious on that mission trip and I felt that was wrong. When I go on mission trips (as few as I have been on) I don't go to look at the guys, I go to do the work I am supposed to do.
To this day, I still don't know if God wants me to be single or not. Speaking out of a less hardened heart, I can honestly say I would like to be married someday. I would like to have someone to share my life and goals with, someone whose goals I can support who can also support mine, someone to be physically intimate with, someone even to have children with. I'd like to have someone to grow old with. But, if God told me today that I wasn't to be married, that my whole life would be about serving him, I would be more than ok with that. See, there are a lot of things now that give my life joy that don't involve AJ. And, I can imagine my life having a lot of things that give me joy that don't involve a husband either.
While talking with Laurie last night I figured out something else. I don't get infatuated with guys very easily. Oh sure, I get little crushes and things like that, but I don't lose my head. And Laurie told me that's an advantage because I am able to think clearly in relationships and evaluate things.
Well it's time for me to go. Evaluate this and tell me what you think. People's two cents (and more) are welcome.