I'm going to have to kill my beloved Rob. He is one of my dear, dear friends; I love him more than I love almost everyone else in his height range; he must die.
And this is why he has to die.
I'm not sure whether I'm appalled or incredibly flattered. I think flattered; I'd probably go with 'appalled' if it weren't for the unfortunate (sort of) fact that pretty much everything he says there is true.
With friends like these, who needs stand-up comics?