Do you really want to hurt me?
Just in case you've ever wanted to cause me great emotional distress, but weren't entirely sure of exactly how to do it, I've prepared this handy-dandy primer for Hurting Your Seanan. Because everyone should know how!
1. Take it public before you take it private.
If you have a problem, don't bother to tell me about it in a private forum. Sure, it may seem like common courtesy to call me and say 'you really hurt my feelings yesterday', but won't it be more fun to just tell the world what a bitch I am? The only way it could be better is if you had someone waiting to take a picture of me when I saw your scathing critique of my very existence posted for the world to see -- nice!
2. Tell everyone we know, but don't tell me.
I hate gossip, and as a consequence, I will almost never confront people about things I heard only second-hand; traditionally, it's caused me more problems than it's managed to resolve. So if you want some real fun, why not tell all our mutual friends that I'm a whore, and watch me try to cope with their reactions, all while looking increasingly unable to handle what's going on around me? Better still, make it a real discussion, so that anyone who tells me about it will be able to add '...but don't tell I told you!'. Slap me and cause an ethical dilemma at the same time!
3. Assume malice wherever possible.
It doesn't matter that every human being on the planet makes mistakes, drops balls, and forgets things; I, of course, have to be perfect, and that means that any time I make a mistake or drop a ball that has anything to do with you, it's entirely because I'm trying to hurt you. The benefit of the doubt just doesn't have any place in a situation this cut and dried.
4. Walk away without a word.
Since it's plain that I'm focusing so much of my energy on persecuting you, the best way to strike back just might be walking off without a word. I will, of course, notice immediately, and that means that my failure to chase after you is, again, pure malice, rather than 'working on seventy things and extremely distracted, which means that I probably won't realize that you've stopped talking to me for at least six weeks, and possibly six months or more'. There's no possible way that I'll realize it six months down the line and wind up sitting here baffled, hurt, and unsure of how to reopen lines of communication that I hadn't known were cut in the first place.
5. When all else fails, freeze me out.
If I contact you, email you, call you, or otherwise try to say 'hey, what's up?', there's no possible chance that it's me trying to find out whether or not we're having a problem without being offensively aggressive about it -- after all, once you start assuming malice whenever possible, that just doesn't make sense. So freeze me out. It's fun! Just remember that anyone heartless enough to do whatever it is I did in the first place can't possibly have human emotions, and do your worst.
If you follow these five simple steps, you can prove once again that the old adage about the sticks and stones is pure bullshit. Medical insurance may remove the bruises from those sticks and stones, but your words?
Your words will always hurt me.
1. Take it public before you take it private.
If you have a problem, don't bother to tell me about it in a private forum. Sure, it may seem like common courtesy to call me and say 'you really hurt my feelings yesterday', but won't it be more fun to just tell the world what a bitch I am? The only way it could be better is if you had someone waiting to take a picture of me when I saw your scathing critique of my very existence posted for the world to see -- nice!
2. Tell everyone we know, but don't tell me.
I hate gossip, and as a consequence, I will almost never confront people about things I heard only second-hand; traditionally, it's caused me more problems than it's managed to resolve. So if you want some real fun, why not tell all our mutual friends that I'm a whore, and watch me try to cope with their reactions, all while looking increasingly unable to handle what's going on around me? Better still, make it a real discussion, so that anyone who tells me about it will be able to add '...but don't tell I told you!'. Slap me and cause an ethical dilemma at the same time!
3. Assume malice wherever possible.
It doesn't matter that every human being on the planet makes mistakes, drops balls, and forgets things; I, of course, have to be perfect, and that means that any time I make a mistake or drop a ball that has anything to do with you, it's entirely because I'm trying to hurt you. The benefit of the doubt just doesn't have any place in a situation this cut and dried.
4. Walk away without a word.
Since it's plain that I'm focusing so much of my energy on persecuting you, the best way to strike back just might be walking off without a word. I will, of course, notice immediately, and that means that my failure to chase after you is, again, pure malice, rather than 'working on seventy things and extremely distracted, which means that I probably won't realize that you've stopped talking to me for at least six weeks, and possibly six months or more'. There's no possible way that I'll realize it six months down the line and wind up sitting here baffled, hurt, and unsure of how to reopen lines of communication that I hadn't known were cut in the first place.
5. When all else fails, freeze me out.
If I contact you, email you, call you, or otherwise try to say 'hey, what's up?', there's no possible chance that it's me trying to find out whether or not we're having a problem without being offensively aggressive about it -- after all, once you start assuming malice whenever possible, that just doesn't make sense. So freeze me out. It's fun! Just remember that anyone heartless enough to do whatever it is I did in the first place can't possibly have human emotions, and do your worst.
If you follow these five simple steps, you can prove once again that the old adage about the sticks and stones is pure bullshit. Medical insurance may remove the bruises from those sticks and stones, but your words?
Your words will always hurt me.