glee rpf| A matter of instants
They’re back filming and it’s tiring and exciting at the same time- as always. Darren enjoys singing, erasing everything that surrounds him and focusing simply on the music, on the way his body responds to it.
It’s soothing, but it’s not enough to calm the burning that has settled low in his stomach months ago and that has become more intense since he came back to LA and saw Chris after weeks spent apart.
There are times when his skin seems to prickle with the energy of it, there are moments when he has to remind to himself that he isn’t supposed to stare at Chris as he goes through his dance routines, that when Chris leans forward and presses soft kisses at the corner of his mouth it’s Kurt kissing Blaine.
One evening they end up filming until 11 pm; he stumbles out of the studios tired eyed and light headed. Chris walks by his side, hair slightly out of place, and Darren knows that the way the sight makes him feel has nothing to do with tiredness.
It’s a matter of instants. One second they are standing in front of his car and the following one Darren is hugging Chris, his nose hidden against the curve of his neck.
He barely hears what Chris is saying over the rumbling sound of blood in his ears.
“D-Darren? As much as I appreciate the affection…are you alright?”
And Darren wishes he could answer honestly, because there’s no way he can be alright keeping everything inside, pushing away the desire to hold Chris close over and over. He knows he can’t voice any of that, though, and it hurts- a persistent ache right behind his heart.
It’s a matter of instants. He takes a deep breath and pulls back enough to look at Chris- his eyes wide and beautiful in the light of the streetlamps. When Chris flashes him a small and shy smile Darren knows that he has lost.
Chris’ sharp intake of breath as Darren presses their lips together sounds almost deafening.
Maybe it’s silly, but Darren can’t help thinking that kissing Chris- kissing him for real, without characters and scripts in between them- is like falling over the edge, towards something big and unknown. When Chris starts to answer the kiss, moving his lips softly, Darren snakes his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. Their tongues meet and it feels perfectly right; something warm and heavy settles right behind his sternum.
It’s a matter of instants. They pull apart and stare at each other; Chris seems a creature from some far away universe, panting slightly and with his eyes big as moons.
*
Chris swallows. He is positively sure that he has never felt like this, as if things aren’t real; it’s worse than sleepwalking and yet it’s oddly perfect- to stand there, gulping down air and staring right into Darren’s eyes.
His heart keeps slamming against his ribcage and Chris doesn’t know what he is supposed to do. He wants to kiss Darren again, to keep kissing him until the end of days, but he is scared. After months spent trying to push away whatever was born between them- that odd mixture or affection and need and attraction- to finally know what it feels like to let it all out scares the hell out of him. Because he knows that after this there’s no way he could push everything back in. He knows he has to say something, anything, but he opens his mouth and nothing comes out. There are too many things to say and too many that is better to keep for himself.
Darren leans forward until the tips of their noses are brushing. The simple feeling of Darren’s warm breath over his lips makes Chris’ skin prickle. He wishes he could be brave enough to close the small gap between them, to taste Darren once more. But he isn’t brave- what he feels is simply too much and he can’t ask Darren to accept it. He lowers his gaze and takes a step back.
When Darren’s hand comes up to grab his wrist he only manages to whisper a “sorry” before turning on his heels and running to his car.
*
Darren stands there, his hand still midair. For an instant he wonders if he has dreamt it all, but the pale ghost of Chris’ lips against his own is still there.
He passes a hand through his hair, tugging at it slightly to anchor himself to reality. He forces himself to stay still and not to run after Chris, because he has no right to do so.
Hours later he lies in his bed but sleep won’t come. His thoughts keep going back to those instants when everything seemed to have found the right balance. He tries not to think that maybe Chris doesn’t feel the same, that maybe he has misinterpreted everything.
When he finally falls asleep is Chris’ big and chocked eyes that he dreams about.
TBC
It’s soothing, but it’s not enough to calm the burning that has settled low in his stomach months ago and that has become more intense since he came back to LA and saw Chris after weeks spent apart.
There are times when his skin seems to prickle with the energy of it, there are moments when he has to remind to himself that he isn’t supposed to stare at Chris as he goes through his dance routines, that when Chris leans forward and presses soft kisses at the corner of his mouth it’s Kurt kissing Blaine.
One evening they end up filming until 11 pm; he stumbles out of the studios tired eyed and light headed. Chris walks by his side, hair slightly out of place, and Darren knows that the way the sight makes him feel has nothing to do with tiredness.
It’s a matter of instants. One second they are standing in front of his car and the following one Darren is hugging Chris, his nose hidden against the curve of his neck.
He barely hears what Chris is saying over the rumbling sound of blood in his ears.
“D-Darren? As much as I appreciate the affection…are you alright?”
And Darren wishes he could answer honestly, because there’s no way he can be alright keeping everything inside, pushing away the desire to hold Chris close over and over. He knows he can’t voice any of that, though, and it hurts- a persistent ache right behind his heart.
It’s a matter of instants. He takes a deep breath and pulls back enough to look at Chris- his eyes wide and beautiful in the light of the streetlamps. When Chris flashes him a small and shy smile Darren knows that he has lost.
Chris’ sharp intake of breath as Darren presses their lips together sounds almost deafening.
Maybe it’s silly, but Darren can’t help thinking that kissing Chris- kissing him for real, without characters and scripts in between them- is like falling over the edge, towards something big and unknown. When Chris starts to answer the kiss, moving his lips softly, Darren snakes his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. Their tongues meet and it feels perfectly right; something warm and heavy settles right behind his sternum.
It’s a matter of instants. They pull apart and stare at each other; Chris seems a creature from some far away universe, panting slightly and with his eyes big as moons.
*
Chris swallows. He is positively sure that he has never felt like this, as if things aren’t real; it’s worse than sleepwalking and yet it’s oddly perfect- to stand there, gulping down air and staring right into Darren’s eyes.
His heart keeps slamming against his ribcage and Chris doesn’t know what he is supposed to do. He wants to kiss Darren again, to keep kissing him until the end of days, but he is scared. After months spent trying to push away whatever was born between them- that odd mixture or affection and need and attraction- to finally know what it feels like to let it all out scares the hell out of him. Because he knows that after this there’s no way he could push everything back in. He knows he has to say something, anything, but he opens his mouth and nothing comes out. There are too many things to say and too many that is better to keep for himself.
Darren leans forward until the tips of their noses are brushing. The simple feeling of Darren’s warm breath over his lips makes Chris’ skin prickle. He wishes he could be brave enough to close the small gap between them, to taste Darren once more. But he isn’t brave- what he feels is simply too much and he can’t ask Darren to accept it. He lowers his gaze and takes a step back.
When Darren’s hand comes up to grab his wrist he only manages to whisper a “sorry” before turning on his heels and running to his car.
*
Darren stands there, his hand still midair. For an instant he wonders if he has dreamt it all, but the pale ghost of Chris’ lips against his own is still there.
He passes a hand through his hair, tugging at it slightly to anchor himself to reality. He forces himself to stay still and not to run after Chris, because he has no right to do so.
Hours later he lies in his bed but sleep won’t come. His thoughts keep going back to those instants when everything seemed to have found the right balance. He tries not to think that maybe Chris doesn’t feel the same, that maybe he has misinterpreted everything.
When he finally falls asleep is Chris’ big and chocked eyes that he dreams about.
TBC