Dont Give Up - YouFoundMe!Verse - Chapter 6/7
Title: Don't Give Up
Author: rupie88
Pairing: Jensen/Jared and others.
Verse: YouFoundMe!Verse
Summary: Jared's had it tough and its even tougher out on his own, especially when you carry a few emotional scars from your past.
Warning: I would say graphic Suicide attempt, emotional abuse, swearing, mentions of past physical violence and schmoop.
Rating: PG 13 for this chapter.
Disclaimer: Its all lies people
Beta: Thanks to deanbear25 for the incredible beta work, I'm pretty sure I didn't make the job easy. *hugs* And I fiddled with this chapter after so any mistakes are my own.
A/N Title stolen from
Previous: Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Interlude - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5
Don’t give up
You still have us
Don’t give up now
We’re proud of who you are
Don’t give up
You know its never been easy
Don’t give up
‘Cause I believe there’s a place
There’s a place where we belong
Don't Give Up - Shannon Noll & Natalie Bassingthwaite
When Jared woke up he immediately looked up at the warmth that was surrounding him. He smiled a little when everything came back to him, the incident and the talk with Jensen. It felt so good having everything out in the open. He was so sick and tired of hiding and running all the time. He was scared that Jensen would judge him for his flaws and hate him. Well if his parents and the whole town did why wouldn’t Jensen.
Jared knew when Jensen woke; he felt arms stiffen around him, drawing him in closer.
“Mornin’ Jen”
“Mornin’ babe, how’d you sleep?” Jensen mumbled into Jared’s neck.
“Best sleep I’ve had in a long time”
Jensen tightened his hold on Jared’s and tried to snuggle deeper into his neck. “S’time is it?”
Jared looked at the bed side clock, “A little after seven”
“I need to ring Ma and Chad.”
“They know?” Jared asked quietly.
Jensen moved around and looked Jared in the eyes. “Of course, they are your family.”
“Family?”
Jensen sighed. “Listen Jay, I know its not going to be easy. We are asking you to change everything you know, everything you were taught to believe, but we meant it when we say we all love you and are not going anywhere”
Jared breathed out, “Thanks Jen.”
“Now that’s sorted I’m gonna go ring the family and grab us some breakfast because God I’m starving.”
Jensen slowly untangled his body from Jared’s before he gradually made his way over to the door.
“You sure you’re doing ok?” Jensen asked looking back, his hand on the handle.
“For the first time honestly, yeah I am” Jared said smiling.
***
Jensen quickly made his way through the hospital front doors, the chilly air hitting his face instantly. He made his way around a corner and down a path towards a seated area with a play equipment for children to play on. He pulled out his phone before switching it back on.
He sat on the bench seat for a moment, allowing his thoughts and feelings to just wash over him and letting everything just catch up. Images of Jared lying in a pool of blood, his lifeless body not responding to Jensen made his eyes water but the images of Jared finally opening up to him made his chest feel a little bit tighter. It took a lot of courage for Jared to open up to him like that. It took a lot of trust to be so open and vulnerable and he loved Jared that much more for finally trusting him. Jensen had never had to trust anyone except his family, never really tried but with Jared is was so easy. So for Jared to finally trust Jensen in return made everything so much easier.
Jensen was pulled out of his thoughts when his phone began vibrating in his hand, he new instantly who it was without even having to look at the caller ID.
Jensen sighed before pressing send and putting the phone to his ear.
“Hi Ma”
“Well?” She asked impatiently
“He woke up last night and we talked about everything and we’re ok now. The doctor said that he has sustained no permanent injury to his arms or fingers; he’ll get full use of his arm again. If the doctor gives him the all clear they’ll send someone round for a psych evaluation and then if that all goes ok he’ll be discharged later today.”
Ma sighed and the sniffed a little. Jensen knew exactly what his mother was trying to hide on the other end of the line.
“That’s excellent news. Mac and Josh will be so happy bout that. Are you going to ring Chad or do you want me too?”
“Nah I’ll ring him and let him know what’s going on.”
“Ok hon, give me a ring later and let me know what’s going on ok?”
“Of course Ma, Cya.”
“Bye.”
By the time Jensen had rung Chad and gave him an update, brought their breakfast and made it back towards the room it was nearly an hour later.
As he walked up the corridor and noticed that the door to Jared room was now closed and there were voices coming from within. They weren’t doctors and the voices were only getting louder.
Jensen could only catch bits and pieces of the muffled conversation walking up the corridor but it was still loud enough for him to catch but and pieces coming through the door.
Jensen listened through the door as the other person talked to Jared.
“Money your costing us.”
“You fault”
“Disgusting”
That was it, no one deserved to be called that so Jensen took a quick breath before he opened the door.
When he did he found Jared hunched in a ball on his bed with quiet tears streaking his cheeks a shimmery sliver.
The man was standing at the end of Jared’s bed pointing his finger at Jared and shaking his head. He was quite tall and his grey suit was obviously too small on him. Jensen also noticed one show looked shined but the other wasn’t. He was quite tall and had a strong accent on him, clearly not from around here. They both stopped talking and looked at Jensen when he made his presence known
“If you don’t mind we are having a private discussion here” the man spat out bitterly.
Jensen took another step towards Jared’s bed side. “Actually I kind of do and If you don’t mind I’d like you to leave, your not welcome here.” Jensen said calmly.
“This is family business boy.”
“First of all he ain’t your family and don’t call me boy.”
“Don’t start wi-”
“You are not welcome in here so leave before I call security. I don’t care who you or what business you have with Jared but I don’t ever want to see you around him again. You and where ever you came from are to have nothing to do with him from now on, got it?”
The man headed towards the door with his hand on the handle he turned back to Jared. “Jared when you’ve had enough of all this childish behavior you call me and we’ll get you fixed.”
Once he left they both sat in silence. Jensen wanted to ask who it was but he didn’t want to push Jared to far. In the end the silence was deafening so Jensen did the only thing he could, he broke it.
“Jay who was that?”
Jared rubbed his hand though his hair before finally looking Jensen in the eyes. “That was my Uncle Pete. There was some kind of mistake and my parents were called and they were too ‘busy’”, Jared indicated with air quotations, “to come and see me so they send my Uncle and well we got into a fight about my sexuality and then well you know the rest.”
“I’m so sorry Jay. I never wanted you to have to go through all that again, especially without me by your side. But I did the right thing didn’t I, asking him to leave and not come back?” Jensen asked hesitantly.
“Its fine Jen, you got back and you made him leave. I think you did the right thing, I’m sure you did the right thing. It’s just something I’m gonna have to get use to you know, having someone defend my honor and all”.
Jensen let out the breath he didn’t even realize he was holding. “I’m sorry I took so long. Chad wanted to every single detail and wouldn’t give me time to take a breath. I did come back with breakfast though.” Jensen said chuckling awkwardly.
Jared rubbed his hands together enthusiastically. “Thank god I swear I could eat a horse.”
Jensen placed a cup of coffee and a bacon and egg roll in front of Jared. “Glad to see you haven’t lost your appetite”.
Jared started tearing at the wrapper on his roll before taking a bite full.
“Never lose my appetite” he said in between mouthfuls.
Both boys sat and ate there breakfast talking and laughing at one another. When the hospital provided breakfast came along Jared still ate his 2 sausages, one egg and two slices of toast.
Around 10.30 their laughter was silenced by a knock at the door and someone entering.
“Hey Doc” Jared said cheerily
“Looks like someone is doing well this morning.”
Jared smiled at Jensen. “Yeah, I feel great.”
“You up to answering a few questions for me?”
“Sure.”
The doctor walked round to Jared’s bedside and checked his pulse and temperature.
“Any dizziness?”
“No.”
“Any blurred vision?”
“No”
“Any pain any where at all?”
“No.”
“Is anywhere on you body feel tingly, like pins and needles?”
“No.”
“How do your fingers feel?
“My fingers and my arm feel fine. I can move them both with out any pain. They don’t feel numb or anything.”
The doctor chuckled. “That answers about my next few questions. I’m not here to pass judgment on what you did or why you did it but Jared I would like you to know that you are very lucky. You hit no tendons or anything major that will affect the use of you arm. I’ll make an appointment for a psych consult which should be around this afternoon sometime.”
“Thank you Doc. I appreciate all the help.”
“Your more then welcome Jared but I’ll tell you something my Father told me when I was a boy. You can’t be helped until you want to be helped” and with that he quietly closed the door behind him.
Jared started at the door for a moment. “I want to get better you know, I want to be helped” Jared whispered.
“I know Jay and I’ll help you every step of the way.” Jensen said placing a soft kiss to his temple.
***
The psychiatrist came around a little after two. Jensen told Jared he would be just outside if he needed anything and left Jared and the doctor alone.
“Hi Jared my names Doctor Sera Gamble but you can call me Sera if you wish, what ever is most comfortable for you.”
“Sera will do.” Jared mumbled.
“Well Jared I’m just going to ask you a few questions, talk about why you did what you did. I’ll be assessing you on whether or not I think you have a serious issue that needs to be properly diagnosed ok. I’m not here to make you feel like the worse person in the world, I just want to understand.”
Her words made Jared feel a bit better. He was worried that someone was going to walk in here pass judgment on him and say he’s a nut case who needs to be locked up.
“Now Jared you live by yourself, is that right?”
“Yeah I have now for about a year now.”
“Was it your choice?”
Jared sighed “It was a choice that was forced on me by my parents.”
“Because you are gay?”
“Yeah.” Jared watched as she started writing on her clip board, slightly worried about what she was writing.
“If you had a choice would you be straight or gay?
“I don’t know straight most probably”
“But what about Jensen?”
“If I was never gay in the first place then I’d never have been kicked out of home and I’d never have met Jensen”
“But you acknowledge that you’re gay?” Sara asked.
“Yeah I’ve known I was gay since I was 13.
Jared heard her take a breath. “That’s a young age to come to such a conclusion”
“I knew for sure I was gay just a few weeks before my 15th birthday but I noticed I was different when I was 13.” Jared sighed, he really didn’t want to go through all of this again but he didn’t really want to be stuck in a suit in some kind of home.
“Why would you choose to be straight?”
“Because then I’d have my family, I’d be normal.”
“So you think being gay isn’t normal and what about Jensen’s love?”
Jared thought a moment before answering the question. “My family and friends would think I’m normal and with Jen it’s a different kind of love”
“If your family decided they wanted you to come back home what would you do?”
“Depends on whether they were happy with me being with Jen?”
“And if there not?”
“Then I suppose no I wouldn’t go back?”
“So you would choose Jensen’s over your parents love?”
“I guess but if my parents love me then they would accept me for me. I shouldn’t have to come home on conditions. So yeah I’d choose Jensen over them, besides if they want me to be happy then they would see that Jen makes me happy.”
“Ok I see now.” She said as she continued to write on her clip board.
“See what?”
“Ok Jared, you’re confused which is understandable. You’re stuck in this middle where you want to be happy and true to who you are but you also want your parent’s approval and love. You want to find this balance in between but you know it’s impossible. You were brought up in this world were different is wrong and people are to be judged on them. People see you being gay as a weakness and something to be ashamed of. Deep down you know that you’re nothing to be embarrassed about but you want your parent’s approval so bad that you would choose their own happiness over yours. You have never been able to accept who you are because no one else would accept it.”
“Excuse me but what is all this going to prove, I’m not sure how this is going to help you understand that I didn’t want to die.”
Sera sighed “Why are you here?”
“I’m here because I cut my wrist, because I was tired, angry and I hated how Jensen had so much hold over me. I just wanted it all to go away for everything to disappear.” Jared had started yelling now.
“But why Jared? What pushed you to cut your wrist?”
“Jensen hated me and I was angry because it was my fault. And I couldn’t handle losing someone else I love because I’m such stupid person.” Jared’s fists clenched and unclenched by his sides.
“What if Chad said he hated you, would you still try to commit suicide?”
“I don’t know, maybe not I’d probably just leave town.
“So you’d runaway again?”
“It’s easier that way. After the fight I didn’t intend to go inside and kill myself. I didn’t even think about it until the glass broke and it looked like the best thing for everybody concerned.”
“How was it the best way for everybody?”
“My Parents would never have an embarrassment for a son and Jensen and Chad wouldn’t have to put up with my crap.”
“Jared I honestly believe that you didn’t intend to harm yourself, you were desperate, looking for a way out and you honestly thought this was the only option. Because you have been alone most of your childhood you’ve been brought up to deal with issues on your own and to share them is a burden.
Jared knew she was right; there was a point to actually talking her. “Deep down I knew I could trust Jensen but I just couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. I had this little bit out doubt and that meant I couldn’t even consider telling him the truth.”
“Does he know now?” Sera asked smiling.
Jared grinned. “Yeah I told him everything.”
“And yet he’s still at your bedside.” She said it like ‘see I told you so’ which made Jared smiled inwardly.
“I know I was an idiot and didn’t need to put everyone through all this when if I had just told Jensen the truth we would be ok.”
“That may be right but what’s done is done and you can’t change the past.”
“But it hurts so bad.”
“The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. Make changes in your life, let Jensen in, try and trust him. Most of all change because you want to not because it would make everyone else happy.”
“Thanks Sera.”
“It’s my job but you’re a good kid that’s just had a bad run.”
Jared looked at Sera nervously “So what happens now?”
“Well I pass my recommendation to your doctor and then he takes it from there.”
“Wha… what is your recommendation?”
“I recommend that you and Jensen go to counseling together. I don’t think you are depressed or need any type of medication you just need to learn to talk about things and to trust people. Even if you choose not to go to counseling with Jensen I recommend that you at least have one on one sessions. I do not believe you a suicidal risk or have any intent on inflicting self harm.”
Tears rolled down Jared’s cheeks at hearing those words. It was such a relief and a weight of his shoulders.
“Thank you Sera, I really appreciate all you’ve done and everything.”
Sera gathered her things and made her way to the door, she looked back at Jared and said “I wish you all my best Jared, good luck.” She closed the door behind her and room was silent.
Jensen entered a few moments later. “Jared your family is here to see you”.
For the first time Jared’s breath didn’t hitch, he didn’t panic slightly because he knew his real family is visiting.
Jensen, Ma, Chad, Mac and Josh all piled into the room, instantly filling all the empty holes.
Ma was by his bedside within moments of entering the room smothering him in a hug.
“You scared us, I thought we may have lost you but I thank my lucky stars your still here.”
Jared broke immediately, his eyes overflowed with salty liquid and all he could do was hug Ma tighter.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what to do.”
Ma just shook him and held him a little closer until his body stopped shaking. Once Jared had his moment with Ma they all took it in turns hugging him and whispering in his ear.
Jensen who was now perched beside Jared on the bed spoke first.
“So what the doc say?”
“She said that she’ll be making the recommendation that I go to counseling with you” Jared looked at Jensen “and she said she doesn’t think I should be on any medication or anything. She believes that my incident was just a one of and that I’m not suicidal.”
“Jay that’s excellent news. If you want me too I’ll got counseling with you. Remember what ever it takes; we will all be there for you.” Jensen said entwining Jared’s fingers with his.
“I know” Jared said softly, squeezing Jensen’s hand.
Chapter 7 + Epilogue