Lost And Found, YouFoundMe!Verse, Chapter 3/7
Title: Lost And Found
Author: rupie88
Pairing: Jensen/Jared and others.
Verse: YouFoundMe!Verse
Summary: Jared's had it tough and its even tougher out on his own, especially when you carry a few emotional scars from your past.
Warning: I would say graphic Suicide attempt, emotional abuse, swearing, mentions of past physical violence and schmoop.
Rating: Pg - 13 for this chapter.
Disclaimer: Its all lies people
Beta: Thanks to incompletework2for the incredible beta work, I'm pretty sure I didn't make the job easy. *hugs*
A/N Title obviously stolen from Kasey Chambers.
Previous: Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Interlude
But I am still here
There's nowhere else to go
Yeah I am still here
There's no-one else to hold
And I can't fly I'm not that strong
Yeah I am still here
And you're still gone
Lost And Found - Kasey Chambers
As much as Jensen tried he just couldn't do it. He couldn't pretend he didn't want to kiss and touch his best friend. It was one of those easier said then done things. Their relationship was strained, both making excuses for not seeing each other. Jensen just didn't know how to face Jared and not get hard. But it wasn't just looking at Jared, it was talking to Jared, thinking about, just Jared in general. He had never felt like this with anyone ever. It was like lust but there was this yearning for more, this need to wake up next to him every morning. It hurt, he felt like he had broke in two.
Jared couldn't do it either, he wanted to try, wanted to fight it but it was too hard. How could someone love you when you couldn't even look at yourself in the mirror? How do you tell your best friend that the reason you have no family is because their ashamed of you? How do you tell your best friend who you are in love with the truth without breaking his heart and just pushing him away? It was easier just to stay away from him, resist the need to spill your guts and chase him away for good. It may hurt like a bitch but he'd rather be alone then drag somebody down with him.
Jared never asked to be gay; if he could he would be straight as an arrow. He'd never had a gay relationship and he didn't really want to start now. It just proved to everyone that they were right in the fact that he was a no good, worthless, heap of shit. Being somebody's friend who didn't know the truth was hard, but being someone's friend who didn't know the truth and wanted to kiss and touch you was so much harder.
That was why being Chad's friend was easy. He was straight and he knew the truth. He didn't want anything from Jared except his friendship but Jensen obviously wanted more and Jared wasn't so sure he was ready to be so giving and open about himself.
In the end it didn't take long for their friendship to break. Jared asked for more shifts at work and Jensen got another part time job. Soon their lives were separate from one another and the boys didn't try to fix it. Jared obviously didn't want Jensen so Jensen tried not to want Jared. Jared wasn't ready to trust Jensen and Jensen didn't have the energy to fight a losing battle. He wasn't ready to loose his mind trying to save someone who wasn't ready to be saved. When ever they ran into each other is was mostly awkward conversation, not even looking each other in the eye.
When Jared and Jensen would run into each other they'd promise to catch up but neither followed through. Jensen took up running and Chad got Jared a fake ID. They were traveling in different worlds and neither one of them knew how they missed the change. They were both not the same people they were before. Jared was too busy trying to hide behind all these walls and Jensen was doing everything he could to just not think about it.
They even stopped walking home together at the end of their shifts. It was weird to be walking home alone. Everything was quiet except for the sound of footsteps and the neighborhood just doing its own thing.
Jensen finally had enough when he saw Jared leave his flat one evening, he was obviously going to a club, dressed up to a tee. Jensen was now doing morning and evening runs. It helped him relieve all his stress and helped him relax. He always ran the same route morning and night and the only thing different about tonight was Jared hitting the clubs for the third time this week. Jensen didn't know what to think but he just hoped that that guy from work was looking after him; the one Jared was always talking about when they use to hang out.
***
When Jensen was running along his route in the morning he had his earphones blaring some classic rock and he actually had slept for more than two hours straight last night. As he ran up Jared's street he noticed that someone was leaving Jared's flat at six in the morning. He noticed the person straight away; it was that guy from work. As he got closer he saw that his hair was sticking in every direction, he was still buttoning up his shirt and that was when he noticed them, the bite marks all along his chest and collarbone.
If this guy was the reason why Jared had turned him down why didn't he just say so?
He didn't want to think about it so he just put his head down, turned up Led Zeppelin and kept on running.
He didn't see Jared for another two days, Jensen was heading to work and Jared was leaving.
"Hey Jared."
"Hi Jen, how are you?" Jared said smiling.
Jensen winced at Jared happy appearance, "Pretty good actually."
"That’s good then I suppose."
"Yeah" Jensen said trailing off.
"Listen I know I've been a bit weird ever since that whole drama," Jared said rubbing a hand through his hair.
"Oh you mean me trying to kiss you then you shooting me down?"
"Um…yeah."
"No its fine we all make mistakes but you could of just told me the truth, it would have been fine."
"What do you mean?" Jared actually looked confused but Jensen knew what he saw.
"I know your dating that guy you work with."
Jared cocked his head to the side, thinking for a moment, and then it clicked. “I’m not dating Chad, he's my best friend and besides he's straight."
Jensen sighed in frustration, "You don't have to lie to me Jared. I'm not offended about it, I'm just pissed because I thought I did something stupid. When you turned me down I thought maybe I misread everything and you were actually straight. It made even more sense when you kept your distance. Then I saw you with what's his name… Chad and everything clicked. All you had to do was say you’re seeing someone."
Now Jared was getting frustrated. "Jensen listen to me, I'm only going to say this once and once only. I'm not dating Chad because a) he's straight and b) he's my only friend so I would never go and wreck a friendship like that ever. Also since you seem so damn interested what's it matter if I'm gay? You already want nothing to do with me so why's it matter?"
"You really know how to put me in my place don't you? I've had enough of this bullshit ok so when you work out what you want from me you let me know. I just don't get you, I get all these mixed signals from you and I don't know what you want from me. I really like you but it just doesn't seem to matter, I've tried to work it out but you won't let me because you have some 'psycho delusional paranoia self hate thing' going on. It kinda hurts because I thought we were at least friends but obviously I misread that too. You know where to find me when you work it out ok. I can only wait so long but don't let me wait forever. I honestly don't know if I can." Jensen couldn’t understand how he read everything so wrong; he just needed to get out of there before he said something he'd regret later.
Jensen turned and walked away, he couldn't turn knowing that he'd see Jared physically upset would make him go weak at the knees. Jared just needed to work out if he wanted to be saved.
"Jen wait." Jared's pleas were heard on deaf ears. Jared watched Jensen walk away not looking back once. He let the tears roll down his cheeks. He could have told him, should have told him but it was too late now, he had finally destroyed everything he ever wanted.
Chapter 4
Author: rupie88
Pairing: Jensen/Jared and others.
Verse: YouFoundMe!Verse
Summary: Jared's had it tough and its even tougher out on his own, especially when you carry a few emotional scars from your past.
Warning: I would say graphic Suicide attempt, emotional abuse, swearing, mentions of past physical violence and schmoop.
Rating: Pg - 13 for this chapter.
Disclaimer: Its all lies people
Beta: Thanks to incompletework2for the incredible beta work, I'm pretty sure I didn't make the job easy. *hugs*
A/N Title obviously stolen from Kasey Chambers.
Previous: Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Interlude
But I am still here
There's nowhere else to go
Yeah I am still here
There's no-one else to hold
And I can't fly I'm not that strong
Yeah I am still here
And you're still gone
Lost And Found - Kasey Chambers
As much as Jensen tried he just couldn't do it. He couldn't pretend he didn't want to kiss and touch his best friend. It was one of those easier said then done things. Their relationship was strained, both making excuses for not seeing each other. Jensen just didn't know how to face Jared and not get hard. But it wasn't just looking at Jared, it was talking to Jared, thinking about, just Jared in general. He had never felt like this with anyone ever. It was like lust but there was this yearning for more, this need to wake up next to him every morning. It hurt, he felt like he had broke in two.
Jared couldn't do it either, he wanted to try, wanted to fight it but it was too hard. How could someone love you when you couldn't even look at yourself in the mirror? How do you tell your best friend that the reason you have no family is because their ashamed of you? How do you tell your best friend who you are in love with the truth without breaking his heart and just pushing him away? It was easier just to stay away from him, resist the need to spill your guts and chase him away for good. It may hurt like a bitch but he'd rather be alone then drag somebody down with him.
Jared never asked to be gay; if he could he would be straight as an arrow. He'd never had a gay relationship and he didn't really want to start now. It just proved to everyone that they were right in the fact that he was a no good, worthless, heap of shit. Being somebody's friend who didn't know the truth was hard, but being someone's friend who didn't know the truth and wanted to kiss and touch you was so much harder.
That was why being Chad's friend was easy. He was straight and he knew the truth. He didn't want anything from Jared except his friendship but Jensen obviously wanted more and Jared wasn't so sure he was ready to be so giving and open about himself.
In the end it didn't take long for their friendship to break. Jared asked for more shifts at work and Jensen got another part time job. Soon their lives were separate from one another and the boys didn't try to fix it. Jared obviously didn't want Jensen so Jensen tried not to want Jared. Jared wasn't ready to trust Jensen and Jensen didn't have the energy to fight a losing battle. He wasn't ready to loose his mind trying to save someone who wasn't ready to be saved. When ever they ran into each other is was mostly awkward conversation, not even looking each other in the eye.
When Jared and Jensen would run into each other they'd promise to catch up but neither followed through. Jensen took up running and Chad got Jared a fake ID. They were traveling in different worlds and neither one of them knew how they missed the change. They were both not the same people they were before. Jared was too busy trying to hide behind all these walls and Jensen was doing everything he could to just not think about it.
They even stopped walking home together at the end of their shifts. It was weird to be walking home alone. Everything was quiet except for the sound of footsteps and the neighborhood just doing its own thing.
Jensen finally had enough when he saw Jared leave his flat one evening, he was obviously going to a club, dressed up to a tee. Jensen was now doing morning and evening runs. It helped him relieve all his stress and helped him relax. He always ran the same route morning and night and the only thing different about tonight was Jared hitting the clubs for the third time this week. Jensen didn't know what to think but he just hoped that that guy from work was looking after him; the one Jared was always talking about when they use to hang out.
***
When Jensen was running along his route in the morning he had his earphones blaring some classic rock and he actually had slept for more than two hours straight last night. As he ran up Jared's street he noticed that someone was leaving Jared's flat at six in the morning. He noticed the person straight away; it was that guy from work. As he got closer he saw that his hair was sticking in every direction, he was still buttoning up his shirt and that was when he noticed them, the bite marks all along his chest and collarbone.
If this guy was the reason why Jared had turned him down why didn't he just say so?
He didn't want to think about it so he just put his head down, turned up Led Zeppelin and kept on running.
He didn't see Jared for another two days, Jensen was heading to work and Jared was leaving.
"Hey Jared."
"Hi Jen, how are you?" Jared said smiling.
Jensen winced at Jared happy appearance, "Pretty good actually."
"That’s good then I suppose."
"Yeah" Jensen said trailing off.
"Listen I know I've been a bit weird ever since that whole drama," Jared said rubbing a hand through his hair.
"Oh you mean me trying to kiss you then you shooting me down?"
"Um…yeah."
"No its fine we all make mistakes but you could of just told me the truth, it would have been fine."
"What do you mean?" Jared actually looked confused but Jensen knew what he saw.
"I know your dating that guy you work with."
Jared cocked his head to the side, thinking for a moment, and then it clicked. “I’m not dating Chad, he's my best friend and besides he's straight."
Jensen sighed in frustration, "You don't have to lie to me Jared. I'm not offended about it, I'm just pissed because I thought I did something stupid. When you turned me down I thought maybe I misread everything and you were actually straight. It made even more sense when you kept your distance. Then I saw you with what's his name… Chad and everything clicked. All you had to do was say you’re seeing someone."
Now Jared was getting frustrated. "Jensen listen to me, I'm only going to say this once and once only. I'm not dating Chad because a) he's straight and b) he's my only friend so I would never go and wreck a friendship like that ever. Also since you seem so damn interested what's it matter if I'm gay? You already want nothing to do with me so why's it matter?"
"You really know how to put me in my place don't you? I've had enough of this bullshit ok so when you work out what you want from me you let me know. I just don't get you, I get all these mixed signals from you and I don't know what you want from me. I really like you but it just doesn't seem to matter, I've tried to work it out but you won't let me because you have some 'psycho delusional paranoia self hate thing' going on. It kinda hurts because I thought we were at least friends but obviously I misread that too. You know where to find me when you work it out ok. I can only wait so long but don't let me wait forever. I honestly don't know if I can." Jensen couldn’t understand how he read everything so wrong; he just needed to get out of there before he said something he'd regret later.
Jensen turned and walked away, he couldn't turn knowing that he'd see Jared physically upset would make him go weak at the knees. Jared just needed to work out if he wanted to be saved.
"Jen wait." Jared's pleas were heard on deaf ears. Jared watched Jensen walk away not looking back once. He let the tears roll down his cheeks. He could have told him, should have told him but it was too late now, he had finally destroyed everything he ever wanted.
Chapter 4