Silent Sunshine Part Four
Title: Silent Sunshine
Pairing(s): Harvey/Steve Rogers, Harvey/OC, Harvey/OC/Steve
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 13,178
Warning(s): Sex, character death
Summary: He can’t move past it. It hurts too much. But maybe, just maybe, he can start. (Crossover with movie-verse Captain America)
January, 1944
Harvey wasn’t sure where Steve had picked up this team of jokers, but he was grateful for it. It meant he wasn’t the weirdest person on the squad.
Of course, they were all soldiers. All trained and ready to go, eager to fight and die for the cause. Harvey wasn’t like that, not really. Sure, he believed in America and defeating HYDRA and winning the war. But he wasn’t a soldier. He wasn’t going with this squad in order to win.
He was going to stay with Steve.
And once they got on the ground, it was actually pretty exciting. Harvey was no longer behind the front lines, no longer hiding behind the poise of a performer. He was out there, being a hero along with Captain America, collecting medals he could give to Charlie. Sure, it was hard. Sure, it meant being in constant danger. But he was with his Captain, and that was good enough.
The first night on the ground, Harvey waited a respectable amount of time to ensure the others were asleep before he went to Steve. The captain was still awake, looking over a map and muttering to himself.
“You should be more careful,” Steve whispered as Harvey slipped inside. “These boys are pretty light sleepers.”
Harvey grinned. “I trust them,” he said. “And who’s to say anything untoward is happening? I could just be asking for battle instructions.”
Steve gave Harvey a pointed look. “Why would you be getting instructions at midnight?” he asked, standing and going to Harvey so they could speak quieter.
“Never know,” Harvey said. “We’ve got a lot of odd ducks on this squad.”
“And what will they think when we come out of the same tent in the morning?”
“Does it matter?” Harvey kissed Steve quickly. “They already suspect. They asked a lot of questions when you chose a singer for your elite commando squad.”
“They asked a lot of questions about my guys in general,” Steve pointed out. “I’m not sleeping with all of them.”
“Still doesn’t matter,” Harvey said. “They know you, Steve, and they’ll follow you no matter what. So what’s it matter if I slip over here now and again?”
Steve looked away. “It…it’s not just that, Harvey.” He sat down on the cot. “Look…I like you. And I like…that thing we do together. But…I’ve been looking around back in London and…”
Harvey grinned. “Agent Carter?” he said.
Steve nodded. “I’m sorry…I don’t want to hurt you…or Maria, but…”
Harvey grabbed a chair and sat down in front of him. “Steve, look at me,” he said quietly. Steve looked up. “You’re not tied to me. I’ve got no claim over you. And I never meant for you to think I did. If you wanna go after Carter, do it.” He grinned wider. “Hell, if she wasn’t so stuck on you, I would’ve already seduced her.”
Steve smiled wanly. “Okay,” he said. “When…when we get back, I’m going after her.”
“Good,” Harvey said. He stood to leave. “But remember, you’re always welcome to my house…or tent.”
Steve’s smile grew. “Duly noted,” he said softly as Harvey exited the tent.
*
It wasn’t awkward at all. They still fought together, still destroyed HYDRA bases and took down HYDRA troops. Steve seemed happy, leading a team and fighting to save the world. He made no mention of the conversation he and Harvey had shared, though Harvey noticed that Steve had placed a small picture of Agent Carter in his compass.
Harvey didn’t mind. If anything, it amused him to see Steve actively chasing skirt, even when she was hundreds of miles away. It gave the captain something to live for, something to fight for. Motivation to keep taking down HYDRA troops.
And as the weeks became months, it became natural, just being friends again. It wasn’t like there was time for anything else, anyway. They were always on the move, always keeping one step ahead of the Red Skull, always planning and running and blowing things up. Anything else would have been a distraction.
No, it wasn’t awkward at all.
*
October, 1944
Zola was on that train. Which meant Steve was going down there with two of the others. Before they set out, Steve picked his guys-James Barnes, who was nothing like the Bucky Charlie admired so much, and Gabe Jones, who was smarter than almost everyone else on the team. The rest were to stay behind in case things went badly.
Things went very badly.
True, the mission succeeded. True, only one man was lost-the only man they had lost in ten months of fighting. But the man they lost…
Harvey didn’t know if Steve would be able to take it. Steve had risked his life for Bucky, had gone behind enemy lines just to save him. Having him be the only man that they had lost in all this time wouldn’t help anything.
Sure enough, after turning Zola in to Colonel Phillips late that night, Steve didn’t even bother to go back to his own room, instead choosing to follow Harvey into the barracks. No one said a word about it. Harvey locked the door behind them and gently led Steve over to the bed.
They lay down together. Steve wrapped his arms around Harvey’s neck and leaned on his chest like a frightened child. Harvey wound one arm around Steve’s waist, the other petting his hair gently.
“I never thought I’d actually lose him,” Steve whispered. “I never thought he’d leave me.”
“I know,” Harvey said.
“I don’t know what to do…Harvey, he’s always been there. He took care of me, he protected me back before…before I was Captain America. He followed me willingly, even though he knows how weak I really am. He’s been my best friend since we were kids…what am I supposed to do without him?”
“I don’t know,” Harvey said. “Guys die in war all the time. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do to carry on.”
“He shouldn’t have died,” Steve said. “I should have been faster. I should have caught him. I shouldn’t have taken him out there…”
“Stop,” Harvey said firmly. “He knew the risk when we went out there. We all did…we all do. You couldn’t have done anything to save him…not even Captain America can fly through the air to save someone from falling. And if you hadn’t taken him, who would you have taken? Who among our boys could you really stand to lose?”
Steve sniffed a bit, tears coursing down his face and soaking Harvey’s shirt. Harvey didn’t say anything more, just holding Steve close to him. After a few minutes, though, Harvey began to sing.
“Toora, loora, loora
Toora, loora, li
Toora, loora, loora
Hush, now, don't you cry
Ah,
Toora, loora, loora
Toora, loora, li
Toora, loora, loora
It's an Irish lullaby..”
*
Harvey didn’t know what Carter said to Steve, but it seemed to do a lot more good than he had. And for that, he was grateful. While Steve wasn’t happy, per se, he was at least functioning, and Carter seemed to have rekindled his determination to defeat the Red Skull by whatever means necessary.
And while Harvey hadn’t been close to Bucky, he couldn’t help but agree that kicking down HYDRA’s front door and annihilating everyone inside was an attractive prospect.
Or it would have been had Steve not told Harvey that he wasn’t going.
“What do you mean, I’m not going?” Harvey asked indignantly. “I told you, Steve-I go wherever you go.”
Steve shook his head. “Not this time,” he said. “Not after…I don’t wanna lose you, Harvey. Not like I lost him.”
Harvey glared. “What about Carter? I heard she’s going in. Don’t you want to protect her, too?”
“She’s a trained soldier,” Steve pointed out. “You aren’t. Besides, have you ever tried to convince Peggy not to do something she really wants to do?”
“Have you ever tried to stop me?” Harvey asked. “You might not like it, Captain, but I’m one of your Howling Commandos. I have every right to be in that battle.”
“This isn’t about your right, Harvey,” Steve said. “It’s about your safety. I’d feel much better if you stayed at the base…run messages or help Stark or something.”
Harvey laughed bitterly. “So that’s how it is,” he said. “I’m still just a singer. Just another piece of baggage in your catalogue of considerations. You’d never trust me to get your back because I’m not a big hero.”
“What?” Steve said. “No, Harvey, it’s not like that at all!”
“Then how is it?” Harvey asked. “I’ve been out there with you for the last ten months! I’ve done everything you asked, kept up with all of you in spite of my lack of training, put up with all your on-and-off bull with me, and now you’re telling me it wasn’t good enough? I hiked through those mountains and ate your ration food and killed people and blew everything up, and that doesn’t earn me a place at your side? What do I have to do to prove myself, fall off a train?”
Steve whirled around, fury in his eyes. “Don’t you DARE use that against me!” he snapped. “I’m doing this because I love you, you stupid jerk! Because I don’t want you to get hurt! Because I want you to get home to Maria and Charlie and have a good life with them! But you wouldn’t get that, would you? You just do what you want with no regard to other people’s feelings.”
Harvey stared at him. “How can you say that?” he asked. “How can you say you love me and then not let me stay with you? How can you say I don’t think about others when I’ve helped your sorry ass out ever since you got to Europe?”
Steve glared at Harvey. “You’re staying on base, Finevoice,” he said in a voice that defied contradiction. “That’s an order.”
“I ain’t a soldier,” Harvey said.
“You’re on my squad,” Steve snapped. “That makes you a soldier. And soldiers follow orders.” With that, he turned on his heel and marched off.
*
The radio call came hours later. Carter sounded panicked and Harvey desperately wanted to hear what was said, but Colonel Phillips ordered him out of the room with the others to give the two a bit of privacy. Harvey couldn’t help but stand next to the door, desperate to hear anything that would tell him if Steve was all right.
Of course he wasn’t all right. If he were, Phillips wouldn’t have made everyone else leave. Steve was going to die.
Steve was going to die…
He wasn’t coming back.
As the conversation devolved into static and Carter’s frantic calls of Steve’s name, Harvey turned and ran back to the barracks. He couldn’t take it. Steve, lost in the ocean, frozen to death…they’d never see each other again, never apologize for what they said, never make anything right between them…
No one bothered him. At some point, somebody brought him some food, but Harvey didn’t even bother to look who. He didn’t eat. He just stared at the wall, his last conversation with Steve replaying in his mind.
Why had they said those things? Why couldn’t Steve have let Harvey go along with them? Maybe he could have stopped him, could have saved him, somehow…
It didn’t matter now. Steve was gone and Harvey was alone in a cold and distant country with no marketable skills. They may have destroyed HYDRA, but they had lost.
They had lost because Captain America was dead.
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Pairing(s): Harvey/Steve Rogers, Harvey/OC, Harvey/OC/Steve
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 13,178
Warning(s): Sex, character death
Summary: He can’t move past it. It hurts too much. But maybe, just maybe, he can start. (Crossover with movie-verse Captain America)
January, 1944
Harvey wasn’t sure where Steve had picked up this team of jokers, but he was grateful for it. It meant he wasn’t the weirdest person on the squad.
Of course, they were all soldiers. All trained and ready to go, eager to fight and die for the cause. Harvey wasn’t like that, not really. Sure, he believed in America and defeating HYDRA and winning the war. But he wasn’t a soldier. He wasn’t going with this squad in order to win.
He was going to stay with Steve.
And once they got on the ground, it was actually pretty exciting. Harvey was no longer behind the front lines, no longer hiding behind the poise of a performer. He was out there, being a hero along with Captain America, collecting medals he could give to Charlie. Sure, it was hard. Sure, it meant being in constant danger. But he was with his Captain, and that was good enough.
The first night on the ground, Harvey waited a respectable amount of time to ensure the others were asleep before he went to Steve. The captain was still awake, looking over a map and muttering to himself.
“You should be more careful,” Steve whispered as Harvey slipped inside. “These boys are pretty light sleepers.”
Harvey grinned. “I trust them,” he said. “And who’s to say anything untoward is happening? I could just be asking for battle instructions.”
Steve gave Harvey a pointed look. “Why would you be getting instructions at midnight?” he asked, standing and going to Harvey so they could speak quieter.
“Never know,” Harvey said. “We’ve got a lot of odd ducks on this squad.”
“And what will they think when we come out of the same tent in the morning?”
“Does it matter?” Harvey kissed Steve quickly. “They already suspect. They asked a lot of questions when you chose a singer for your elite commando squad.”
“They asked a lot of questions about my guys in general,” Steve pointed out. “I’m not sleeping with all of them.”
“Still doesn’t matter,” Harvey said. “They know you, Steve, and they’ll follow you no matter what. So what’s it matter if I slip over here now and again?”
Steve looked away. “It…it’s not just that, Harvey.” He sat down on the cot. “Look…I like you. And I like…that thing we do together. But…I’ve been looking around back in London and…”
Harvey grinned. “Agent Carter?” he said.
Steve nodded. “I’m sorry…I don’t want to hurt you…or Maria, but…”
Harvey grabbed a chair and sat down in front of him. “Steve, look at me,” he said quietly. Steve looked up. “You’re not tied to me. I’ve got no claim over you. And I never meant for you to think I did. If you wanna go after Carter, do it.” He grinned wider. “Hell, if she wasn’t so stuck on you, I would’ve already seduced her.”
Steve smiled wanly. “Okay,” he said. “When…when we get back, I’m going after her.”
“Good,” Harvey said. He stood to leave. “But remember, you’re always welcome to my house…or tent.”
Steve’s smile grew. “Duly noted,” he said softly as Harvey exited the tent.
*
It wasn’t awkward at all. They still fought together, still destroyed HYDRA bases and took down HYDRA troops. Steve seemed happy, leading a team and fighting to save the world. He made no mention of the conversation he and Harvey had shared, though Harvey noticed that Steve had placed a small picture of Agent Carter in his compass.
Harvey didn’t mind. If anything, it amused him to see Steve actively chasing skirt, even when she was hundreds of miles away. It gave the captain something to live for, something to fight for. Motivation to keep taking down HYDRA troops.
And as the weeks became months, it became natural, just being friends again. It wasn’t like there was time for anything else, anyway. They were always on the move, always keeping one step ahead of the Red Skull, always planning and running and blowing things up. Anything else would have been a distraction.
No, it wasn’t awkward at all.
*
October, 1944
Zola was on that train. Which meant Steve was going down there with two of the others. Before they set out, Steve picked his guys-James Barnes, who was nothing like the Bucky Charlie admired so much, and Gabe Jones, who was smarter than almost everyone else on the team. The rest were to stay behind in case things went badly.
Things went very badly.
True, the mission succeeded. True, only one man was lost-the only man they had lost in ten months of fighting. But the man they lost…
Harvey didn’t know if Steve would be able to take it. Steve had risked his life for Bucky, had gone behind enemy lines just to save him. Having him be the only man that they had lost in all this time wouldn’t help anything.
Sure enough, after turning Zola in to Colonel Phillips late that night, Steve didn’t even bother to go back to his own room, instead choosing to follow Harvey into the barracks. No one said a word about it. Harvey locked the door behind them and gently led Steve over to the bed.
They lay down together. Steve wrapped his arms around Harvey’s neck and leaned on his chest like a frightened child. Harvey wound one arm around Steve’s waist, the other petting his hair gently.
“I never thought I’d actually lose him,” Steve whispered. “I never thought he’d leave me.”
“I know,” Harvey said.
“I don’t know what to do…Harvey, he’s always been there. He took care of me, he protected me back before…before I was Captain America. He followed me willingly, even though he knows how weak I really am. He’s been my best friend since we were kids…what am I supposed to do without him?”
“I don’t know,” Harvey said. “Guys die in war all the time. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do to carry on.”
“He shouldn’t have died,” Steve said. “I should have been faster. I should have caught him. I shouldn’t have taken him out there…”
“Stop,” Harvey said firmly. “He knew the risk when we went out there. We all did…we all do. You couldn’t have done anything to save him…not even Captain America can fly through the air to save someone from falling. And if you hadn’t taken him, who would you have taken? Who among our boys could you really stand to lose?”
Steve sniffed a bit, tears coursing down his face and soaking Harvey’s shirt. Harvey didn’t say anything more, just holding Steve close to him. After a few minutes, though, Harvey began to sing.
“Toora, loora, loora
Toora, loora, li
Toora, loora, loora
Hush, now, don't you cry
Ah,
Toora, loora, loora
Toora, loora, li
Toora, loora, loora
It's an Irish lullaby..”
*
Harvey didn’t know what Carter said to Steve, but it seemed to do a lot more good than he had. And for that, he was grateful. While Steve wasn’t happy, per se, he was at least functioning, and Carter seemed to have rekindled his determination to defeat the Red Skull by whatever means necessary.
And while Harvey hadn’t been close to Bucky, he couldn’t help but agree that kicking down HYDRA’s front door and annihilating everyone inside was an attractive prospect.
Or it would have been had Steve not told Harvey that he wasn’t going.
“What do you mean, I’m not going?” Harvey asked indignantly. “I told you, Steve-I go wherever you go.”
Steve shook his head. “Not this time,” he said. “Not after…I don’t wanna lose you, Harvey. Not like I lost him.”
Harvey glared. “What about Carter? I heard she’s going in. Don’t you want to protect her, too?”
“She’s a trained soldier,” Steve pointed out. “You aren’t. Besides, have you ever tried to convince Peggy not to do something she really wants to do?”
“Have you ever tried to stop me?” Harvey asked. “You might not like it, Captain, but I’m one of your Howling Commandos. I have every right to be in that battle.”
“This isn’t about your right, Harvey,” Steve said. “It’s about your safety. I’d feel much better if you stayed at the base…run messages or help Stark or something.”
Harvey laughed bitterly. “So that’s how it is,” he said. “I’m still just a singer. Just another piece of baggage in your catalogue of considerations. You’d never trust me to get your back because I’m not a big hero.”
“What?” Steve said. “No, Harvey, it’s not like that at all!”
“Then how is it?” Harvey asked. “I’ve been out there with you for the last ten months! I’ve done everything you asked, kept up with all of you in spite of my lack of training, put up with all your on-and-off bull with me, and now you’re telling me it wasn’t good enough? I hiked through those mountains and ate your ration food and killed people and blew everything up, and that doesn’t earn me a place at your side? What do I have to do to prove myself, fall off a train?”
Steve whirled around, fury in his eyes. “Don’t you DARE use that against me!” he snapped. “I’m doing this because I love you, you stupid jerk! Because I don’t want you to get hurt! Because I want you to get home to Maria and Charlie and have a good life with them! But you wouldn’t get that, would you? You just do what you want with no regard to other people’s feelings.”
Harvey stared at him. “How can you say that?” he asked. “How can you say you love me and then not let me stay with you? How can you say I don’t think about others when I’ve helped your sorry ass out ever since you got to Europe?”
Steve glared at Harvey. “You’re staying on base, Finevoice,” he said in a voice that defied contradiction. “That’s an order.”
“I ain’t a soldier,” Harvey said.
“You’re on my squad,” Steve snapped. “That makes you a soldier. And soldiers follow orders.” With that, he turned on his heel and marched off.
*
The radio call came hours later. Carter sounded panicked and Harvey desperately wanted to hear what was said, but Colonel Phillips ordered him out of the room with the others to give the two a bit of privacy. Harvey couldn’t help but stand next to the door, desperate to hear anything that would tell him if Steve was all right.
Of course he wasn’t all right. If he were, Phillips wouldn’t have made everyone else leave. Steve was going to die.
Steve was going to die…
He wasn’t coming back.
As the conversation devolved into static and Carter’s frantic calls of Steve’s name, Harvey turned and ran back to the barracks. He couldn’t take it. Steve, lost in the ocean, frozen to death…they’d never see each other again, never apologize for what they said, never make anything right between them…
No one bothered him. At some point, somebody brought him some food, but Harvey didn’t even bother to look who. He didn’t eat. He just stared at the wall, his last conversation with Steve replaying in his mind.
Why had they said those things? Why couldn’t Steve have let Harvey go along with them? Maybe he could have stopped him, could have saved him, somehow…
It didn’t matter now. Steve was gone and Harvey was alone in a cold and distant country with no marketable skills. They may have destroyed HYDRA, but they had lost.
They had lost because Captain America was dead.
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