a bad case of nesting instinct (kinda)
i'm so tired of drifting through time, if not through space. this life of part-time-work-to-pay-the-rent-and-buy-food seems so pointless and dead-end. if i don't manage to get an internship for next summer, i don't have any clue what i'll be doing beyond march or maybe april. if i do get an internship, i don't know what i'll be doing beyond next fall. i need a plan, but even more than that, i need a stable home base of operations.
the majority of moments in my life when i've been most myself without even thinking about it are related to farming in some way or another. my most vibrant daydreams for the future have included farming. furthermore, i definitely know that i'm going to stay in the northeast, and i really can't envision myself living and working anywhere other than here, this land that my parents "own" and where i spent the majority of my childhood, and this community i've been surrounded by for so long. i won't say that i've learned more about this place since leaving, but i definitely have a different perspective on it now. i may not fit in here, but i'm comfortable enough here to carve out a place for me. i may not know everything i'd like to know, and i may not be able to learn it all in this exact location, but around here i know where to start looking for answers. i know who to go to with my questions, and if they don't know the answers they can help me find them. my dreams are so grounded in a specific place... and i have a deep longing to be in this place, working every single day to build my dreams from the ground up (literally and figuratively in so many ways). i know i'll need to go elsewhere to learn many things, be it to college to take specific courses or even to get a degree, or to other farms to get hands-on experience... but i want this to be the place i return to, the place i bring my knowledge back to, the place and people i affect with my knowledge. furthermore, and i think i'm mature enough and independent enough to admit this to myself and to say it out loud, i still need and want to be supported by my parents in some key ways. i need a mentor of some type, for sure, but for some reason i'm visualizing my mom specifically in that role. i need somebody who is going to do their own thing but who is also interested in my thing. i need somebody to ask me every day what i've done/learned to bring myself closer to living my dreams. i need to be able to say, "well, today i was reading about soil ph and i learned that lime affects the acidity of the soil" (ok, so i already knew that, but you get the idea), i need to be able to talk about what i've learned. i also need to practice implementing what i've learned before i'm turned loose on some innocent, unsuspecting plot of land, which is why i'll have to go elsewhere for internships and to work on other farms. i know i'm accountable to myself, but that doesn't feel like enough some days. i need somebody else to reflect that accountability, to remind me of my obligations to myself. it's not that i want to be accountable to my mom for how much i'm learning and how hard i'm working, but i need encouragment to keep going and to stay on track.
the majority of moments in my life when i've been most myself without even thinking about it are related to farming in some way or another. my most vibrant daydreams for the future have included farming. furthermore, i definitely know that i'm going to stay in the northeast, and i really can't envision myself living and working anywhere other than here, this land that my parents "own" and where i spent the majority of my childhood, and this community i've been surrounded by for so long. i won't say that i've learned more about this place since leaving, but i definitely have a different perspective on it now. i may not fit in here, but i'm comfortable enough here to carve out a place for me. i may not know everything i'd like to know, and i may not be able to learn it all in this exact location, but around here i know where to start looking for answers. i know who to go to with my questions, and if they don't know the answers they can help me find them. my dreams are so grounded in a specific place... and i have a deep longing to be in this place, working every single day to build my dreams from the ground up (literally and figuratively in so many ways). i know i'll need to go elsewhere to learn many things, be it to college to take specific courses or even to get a degree, or to other farms to get hands-on experience... but i want this to be the place i return to, the place i bring my knowledge back to, the place and people i affect with my knowledge. furthermore, and i think i'm mature enough and independent enough to admit this to myself and to say it out loud, i still need and want to be supported by my parents in some key ways. i need a mentor of some type, for sure, but for some reason i'm visualizing my mom specifically in that role. i need somebody who is going to do their own thing but who is also interested in my thing. i need somebody to ask me every day what i've done/learned to bring myself closer to living my dreams. i need to be able to say, "well, today i was reading about soil ph and i learned that lime affects the acidity of the soil" (ok, so i already knew that, but you get the idea), i need to be able to talk about what i've learned. i also need to practice implementing what i've learned before i'm turned loose on some innocent, unsuspecting plot of land, which is why i'll have to go elsewhere for internships and to work on other farms. i know i'm accountable to myself, but that doesn't feel like enough some days. i need somebody else to reflect that accountability, to remind me of my obligations to myself. it's not that i want to be accountable to my mom for how much i'm learning and how hard i'm working, but i need encouragment to keep going and to stay on track.