me, myself, and i
i feel like doing a massive exposé of myself for some reason. i want to write down everything i can think of, get it out of myself and out into the world where others can take me as i am or not. in this sense i'm not doing this just for me, else i'd save it in a file on my computer or handwrite it in a notebook. i want to know that other people have seen this, my self-understanding, to know that somebody has made a note of it even if they make no comment.
that said, i don't know where to start. how about i'll start with some random facts about right here and now...
i'm sitting here with leftover indian food. i love indian food but i'm getting so much of it these days that i'm starting to think i might get sick of it. i don't want to get sick of indian food!
later this afternoon i'm going to take my over-ripened bananas to my friends' house and make banana bread for the party we're having this evening. this family has become an amazing and important part of my life, and i don't know what i would do without them (especially this month, with everybody else gone for winter break)!
aside from undertaking this exposé, i'm bored with my life right now. part of it is that i'm experiencing this winter in a dramatically different way from any other winter. i've written about this previously... i'm somewhat sluggish and lacking energy, and even though i need another job and have ideas for other things that i could be doing, i seem to not have the "get-up-and-go" that i need to get into these things.
in thinking about my boredom this morning, i realized that i do much better at involving myself in things if i have other people around to experience those things with or talk about them afterward. it's a very immediate sort of thing, though. if the people are far away it doesn't work, even if i can talk to them about it right away. i've always known that i want to be surrounded by a community of loving, caring people. i've always known that i'm not a loner. but i never realized before just how profoundly affected i am by even just the number of people who are directly acting in and affecting my life, not to mention how closely i relate to those people, and in what ways. i think that this means that my challenge is to find a group of real-life people (obviously 'net communication isn't going to do it for me, for example) who share similar primary values and interests with me. i've met lots of interesting people in my life, and many of those people i've come to care deeply about, but while they do share many of my values and interests, they have others that take priority. i don't know anybody else right now who wants to go live in the woods or on a small, sustainable, organic farm, for example. that's a priority for me (even if i don't know how to get there from here), but not for anybody else currently involved in my life.
"why i'm infinitely loveable", or, some positive things about me...
i'm cute, i'm good-natured and not easily offended, i'm frank and straightforward, i'm effervescent and exude a wonderful sense of joie de vivre, i'm incredibly loyal and devoted to my friends and family, i have a creative and sensitive intellect, i'm not afraid to be hurt and to take risks, i appreciate how beautiful life is even when it's painful, i'm compassionate and empathetic, i enjoy a sense of mystery about the universe even while i love to know how things work, i love hard work (and someday i will find my passion and will work hard every day of my life for it), i'm generous with my time and energy especially for the purposes of helping others, i have a well-balanced and fairly accurate sense of self-worth and expect/want the same for the people i share my life with, i have a quirky and somewhat off-balance sense of humor
"buyer beware", or, some interesting things about me...
i like my life and relationships to be rich in complexity to the point where i'll often choose the more complicated way of developing relationships or navigating situations, but even while i love the layers of complexity i also love to know exactly what the conditions of that complexity are. i'm always asking questions to make sure that i have up-to-date information about changing situations or other people's thoughts/emotions/expectations. i would prefer my life to be interesting and to be hurt sometimes to a sterile, boring, uncomplicated life (if such a thing is even possible for anybody). in love, i give everything i have and i'm an exquisite mix of resiliant and fragile. i love the challenge of evaluating and responding to each new or changing situation... to say "ok, here is a set of conditions and parameters for my actions... what can i do within these conditions?" being part of my life is to witness and, to some extent depending on your level of involvement, to experience my roller coaster ride of messy emotions and half-baked ideas for "what to do next" or "what to do with my life". i'm constantly thinking about something and sometimes overanalyze situations/people.
"don't apply if you're not interested in the following", or, some quirks of my world-view...
i believe that western civilization is self-destructive and has been and is currently killing the planet. my ideal lifestyle will involve some kind of farming or "living close to the land" in the northeast of the us of a. the trend of globalization make me feel icky in my stomach and i'm a firm believer in (re-)localization of life for all people, everywhere. i believe that it is possible to communicate with other living beings, one's immediate landbase, the planet, the universe, and those spiritual forces which are beyond our complete understanding.
well... i ran out of steam, but i think this is great for starters.
that said, i don't know where to start. how about i'll start with some random facts about right here and now...
i'm sitting here with leftover indian food. i love indian food but i'm getting so much of it these days that i'm starting to think i might get sick of it. i don't want to get sick of indian food!
later this afternoon i'm going to take my over-ripened bananas to my friends' house and make banana bread for the party we're having this evening. this family has become an amazing and important part of my life, and i don't know what i would do without them (especially this month, with everybody else gone for winter break)!
aside from undertaking this exposé, i'm bored with my life right now. part of it is that i'm experiencing this winter in a dramatically different way from any other winter. i've written about this previously... i'm somewhat sluggish and lacking energy, and even though i need another job and have ideas for other things that i could be doing, i seem to not have the "get-up-and-go" that i need to get into these things.
in thinking about my boredom this morning, i realized that i do much better at involving myself in things if i have other people around to experience those things with or talk about them afterward. it's a very immediate sort of thing, though. if the people are far away it doesn't work, even if i can talk to them about it right away. i've always known that i want to be surrounded by a community of loving, caring people. i've always known that i'm not a loner. but i never realized before just how profoundly affected i am by even just the number of people who are directly acting in and affecting my life, not to mention how closely i relate to those people, and in what ways. i think that this means that my challenge is to find a group of real-life people (obviously 'net communication isn't going to do it for me, for example) who share similar primary values and interests with me. i've met lots of interesting people in my life, and many of those people i've come to care deeply about, but while they do share many of my values and interests, they have others that take priority. i don't know anybody else right now who wants to go live in the woods or on a small, sustainable, organic farm, for example. that's a priority for me (even if i don't know how to get there from here), but not for anybody else currently involved in my life.
"why i'm infinitely loveable", or, some positive things about me...
i'm cute, i'm good-natured and not easily offended, i'm frank and straightforward, i'm effervescent and exude a wonderful sense of joie de vivre, i'm incredibly loyal and devoted to my friends and family, i have a creative and sensitive intellect, i'm not afraid to be hurt and to take risks, i appreciate how beautiful life is even when it's painful, i'm compassionate and empathetic, i enjoy a sense of mystery about the universe even while i love to know how things work, i love hard work (and someday i will find my passion and will work hard every day of my life for it), i'm generous with my time and energy especially for the purposes of helping others, i have a well-balanced and fairly accurate sense of self-worth and expect/want the same for the people i share my life with, i have a quirky and somewhat off-balance sense of humor
"buyer beware", or, some interesting things about me...
i like my life and relationships to be rich in complexity to the point where i'll often choose the more complicated way of developing relationships or navigating situations, but even while i love the layers of complexity i also love to know exactly what the conditions of that complexity are. i'm always asking questions to make sure that i have up-to-date information about changing situations or other people's thoughts/emotions/expectations. i would prefer my life to be interesting and to be hurt sometimes to a sterile, boring, uncomplicated life (if such a thing is even possible for anybody). in love, i give everything i have and i'm an exquisite mix of resiliant and fragile. i love the challenge of evaluating and responding to each new or changing situation... to say "ok, here is a set of conditions and parameters for my actions... what can i do within these conditions?" being part of my life is to witness and, to some extent depending on your level of involvement, to experience my roller coaster ride of messy emotions and half-baked ideas for "what to do next" or "what to do with my life". i'm constantly thinking about something and sometimes overanalyze situations/people.
"don't apply if you're not interested in the following", or, some quirks of my world-view...
i believe that western civilization is self-destructive and has been and is currently killing the planet. my ideal lifestyle will involve some kind of farming or "living close to the land" in the northeast of the us of a. the trend of globalization make me feel icky in my stomach and i'm a firm believer in (re-)localization of life for all people, everywhere. i believe that it is possible to communicate with other living beings, one's immediate landbase, the planet, the universe, and those spiritual forces which are beyond our complete understanding.
well... i ran out of steam, but i think this is great for starters.