(no subject)
So much has been happening in my life lately and I haven't written about any of it, so it's all just festering in my mind and eating away at me. It's time to lay it all out again.
Chance and I got married. We did it. We did the thing and now we're adults in a big adult relationship that's legally recognized and we have rights regarding each other.
I was too anxious about planning it to really enjoy the day of our wedding. I was a stressed out ball of anxiety and I feel really bad that I didn't enjoy my wedding day very much. I loved the ceremony, I loved making my vows to Chance and I loved receiving his and feeling truly united and as one. I loved that part that didn't involve me having to interact with people other than Chance, really. The ceremony was beautiful, Chance was just stunning. I have never in my life seen another human that possessed such intensely intricate beauty as he does. He is a breathing, walking, interactive artpiece that I will spend my whole life marveling at and celebrating. He cried when he read his vows to me, I could see the vulnerability growing in his eyes until it spilled down his cheeks; a little river of reverant love. The depth of emotion in that moment was vast, I'd have stayed in it forever, and it felt like I did. Time seemed to stop for us then.
Some things went wrong though, for example my dress wasn't properly altered so it didn't look great on me, the rings were forgotten at home, and I was having anxiety attacks before I had to walk out of my little alcove to meet Chance at the altar.
After the ceremony we had the reception, which was really just a party at my apartment, but due to all the built up anxieties I'd been having I did not enjoy myself very much at all. I was distraught and spent most of the time crying in my room alone. I tried to socialize a little bit but my heart wasn't in it and my mind was racing, everything felt too intense to deal with. So I drank too much and fell asleep instead. I almost regret it, but I know that I needed to be alone after the ceremony but the reception still had to happen. It went as well as it could have with how little time we gave ourselves to plan it, and everyone else seemed to have a great time, so I'm glad of that.
A couple of weeks before the wedding my Nana died, which played a pretty huge part in my brain problems, and continues to do so. We knew it was coming and I got to say goodbye, but it's still awful and tragic. She taught me how to cook my favorite meals, she taught me how to sew, she played a huge hand in raisin me and was always looking out for me when I was a kid. I keep thinking of little things, memories, and how I should call her only to remember that I can't call her and she won't answer. It's too late for that now. I should have called her more.
Last week I got fired from my job. That was the cherry on top of the shit sundae that has been my mental health lately. I felt like I was safe in my job. I felt like I was great at it, all my coworkers loved me, I got amazing scores for my monitor reviews. I had just gotten a raise. Unfortunately, there was a combination computer glitch, and then me being an idiot thing and instead of suspending me like it says in the handbook, they decided to move forward with termination instead. I think I'm still processing what it even means for me to be unemployed with no hope of captioning in my future. Not with Captel anyway, but they're the only company that captions calls, so, yeah. It was such a huge rejection and my self-esteem has taken a major hit. I'm unsure of myself in so much more than I was a week ago.
I'm proud of myself for how I've handled it though. I didn't break down. I did cry, but when I got home I called my best friend and he came over, we got shitty drunk, and laid out plans for how I'm going to get through this and why it will be okay. I have applied for unemployment, which I should begin receiving on the 22nd. I started camming again last night and was very impressed with how well I did. My friend recommended me to his boss for a short data entry gig, which would only be a couple of days but it's something. I get food stamps. I can pay my bills. I can continue to pay my bills. Losing this job will not make me lose my stability. I will NOT be homeless again. I would never let that happen and Chance would never let that happen. I will not lose contact with my daughter. I will still see her. She will still have christmas, just not as lavishly as I was planning for.
Things will be okay.
I just have to keep accepting what the universe is giving me, I have to take it and transform it into something more palatable for myself until I am utterly joyful in what I have.
//.stardust
[Eat the pain. Send it back to the void as love.]
Chance and I got married. We did it. We did the thing and now we're adults in a big adult relationship that's legally recognized and we have rights regarding each other.
I was too anxious about planning it to really enjoy the day of our wedding. I was a stressed out ball of anxiety and I feel really bad that I didn't enjoy my wedding day very much. I loved the ceremony, I loved making my vows to Chance and I loved receiving his and feeling truly united and as one. I loved that part that didn't involve me having to interact with people other than Chance, really. The ceremony was beautiful, Chance was just stunning. I have never in my life seen another human that possessed such intensely intricate beauty as he does. He is a breathing, walking, interactive artpiece that I will spend my whole life marveling at and celebrating. He cried when he read his vows to me, I could see the vulnerability growing in his eyes until it spilled down his cheeks; a little river of reverant love. The depth of emotion in that moment was vast, I'd have stayed in it forever, and it felt like I did. Time seemed to stop for us then.
Some things went wrong though, for example my dress wasn't properly altered so it didn't look great on me, the rings were forgotten at home, and I was having anxiety attacks before I had to walk out of my little alcove to meet Chance at the altar.
After the ceremony we had the reception, which was really just a party at my apartment, but due to all the built up anxieties I'd been having I did not enjoy myself very much at all. I was distraught and spent most of the time crying in my room alone. I tried to socialize a little bit but my heart wasn't in it and my mind was racing, everything felt too intense to deal with. So I drank too much and fell asleep instead. I almost regret it, but I know that I needed to be alone after the ceremony but the reception still had to happen. It went as well as it could have with how little time we gave ourselves to plan it, and everyone else seemed to have a great time, so I'm glad of that.
A couple of weeks before the wedding my Nana died, which played a pretty huge part in my brain problems, and continues to do so. We knew it was coming and I got to say goodbye, but it's still awful and tragic. She taught me how to cook my favorite meals, she taught me how to sew, she played a huge hand in raisin me and was always looking out for me when I was a kid. I keep thinking of little things, memories, and how I should call her only to remember that I can't call her and she won't answer. It's too late for that now. I should have called her more.
Last week I got fired from my job. That was the cherry on top of the shit sundae that has been my mental health lately. I felt like I was safe in my job. I felt like I was great at it, all my coworkers loved me, I got amazing scores for my monitor reviews. I had just gotten a raise. Unfortunately, there was a combination computer glitch, and then me being an idiot thing and instead of suspending me like it says in the handbook, they decided to move forward with termination instead. I think I'm still processing what it even means for me to be unemployed with no hope of captioning in my future. Not with Captel anyway, but they're the only company that captions calls, so, yeah. It was such a huge rejection and my self-esteem has taken a major hit. I'm unsure of myself in so much more than I was a week ago.
I'm proud of myself for how I've handled it though. I didn't break down. I did cry, but when I got home I called my best friend and he came over, we got shitty drunk, and laid out plans for how I'm going to get through this and why it will be okay. I have applied for unemployment, which I should begin receiving on the 22nd. I started camming again last night and was very impressed with how well I did. My friend recommended me to his boss for a short data entry gig, which would only be a couple of days but it's something. I get food stamps. I can pay my bills. I can continue to pay my bills. Losing this job will not make me lose my stability. I will NOT be homeless again. I would never let that happen and Chance would never let that happen. I will not lose contact with my daughter. I will still see her. She will still have christmas, just not as lavishly as I was planning for.
Things will be okay.
I just have to keep accepting what the universe is giving me, I have to take it and transform it into something more palatable for myself until I am utterly joyful in what I have.
//.stardust
[Eat the pain. Send it back to the void as love.]