(no subject)
I have a partner who wants to be supportive, but isn't.
Or more, I have a partner who has no idea what is happening with my body, my hormones, or my emotions no matter how openly I try to discuss what is going on.
I told him I'd thrown up at work, and even though he is my ride home [we work at the same place, same shift], he willingly worked an extra 40 minutes when it wasn't even a little bit necessary and wasn't asked to or anything. His supervisor actually offered to take over the call for him because his shift was over and he was like, "Nah".
And he thought it was perfectly okay because like, I wasn't on the clock and I had a whole bathroom with 7 different STALLS for me to vomit in.
I feel uncared for and I feel selfish for feeling that way.
I feel like because he doesn't experience any physical ramifications of this pregnancy he can just brush it off and not take seriously the shit I'm going through.
I feel like a physical and emotional wreck and I don't know how to deal with anything and I need someone else to care for and coddle me because fuck, this is a serious thing.
Every plan I've made for myself for the next couple of months are cancelled. Gone. I can't do anything. I was going to get a bike on Friday and start riding to and from work. Haha, nope. I have to have an abortion instead and put all of my mental and worldly resources towards that. I was going to take my proof of residency to the college and talk to a financial aid advisor and get things in order to start school this spring. I can't even trust how my mental state is going to be after this to hope I'll be okay enough to attend college. Ha. No matter what I do I have put my life on hold for awhile. And by "no matter what I do" I mean, I don't have a choice really and aborting is my only valid option and how do I even process that?
I need to go to therapy and try to cope with this shit, but that's not an option either because I can barely afford basic life let alone the deluxe version with a therapist. I'll have insurance through my job in 3 months but that's far the fuck away and what if I don't stay sane enough to manage full time at my job and not get fired for being a fucking wreck all the time? I applied for medicaid, but to get approved I have to stay pregnant long enough for it to be proven by the government and how am I supposed to start attempting to get over this when it's not even over yet?
I still have splitting cells inside me daring to become a person.
//.Stardust
[Say what you will. I am the kill. The only thing that keeps you really, truly safe from being real]